Chapter 42

Forty-Two

CADIEUX HOUSE, LONDON - JUNE 30, 1816

CELINE

The familiar, comforting sensation of fingers running through my hair breached my nightmare. The scent of citrus and William and home came second, soothing my racing heart. My hand rose and fell on his shirt-clad chest with each shallow breath—his ribs still plagued him then. He hummed some wordless tune low in his chest, probably some bawdy soldier's tune for all that I recognized.

"Know you're awake, love."

With a dramatic sigh, I abandoned my feigned sleep. He was a beautiful sight. Bruised and battered, eye swollen nearly shut, my beloved cheekbone blackened beyond recognition, but he was alive. So alive. His working eye was clearer this morning, less hazed with pain. Today it was the color I imagined the sea to be on a sunny day in autumn, little sparkles dancing off the surface when the sun hit the waves. Oh, and there was my beloved, adoring crinkle, restored to its former glory.

"You all right? Sounded like you were having a bad dream."

"I am now."

"Yes?" His smile was pleased, no pretended misunderstanding.

"I thought I lost you."

"Oh, love. I'm far too stubborn for the likes of Bates."

"So it would seem."

"What do you suppose my chances are of making my escape today? You and I should talk, and Kit's bedroom is not the ideal place."

"Well, that depends. Your apartment is…"

"It's gone?"

"No, but there was damage. It's mostly to the office. However… I would very much like you back with me."

"Not going to send me packing again?"

I shook my head fiercely and he chuckled before clutching his side.

"Stop being funny, love. Hurts."

I pressed a kiss to my fingers before pressing them to his lips. Just then, the bird at the windowsill gave a chirp of irritation. I suppose I did reserve that for Gabriel's headstone.

"Hush, you."

"I presume the bird is coming too?"

"The bird is coming."

"I don't suppose you can get him to stop biting me."

"After what he did to my attacker, I think you're lucky with a nip. But I'll try."

"Right, can you press-gang Kit into helping me ready? We'll talk when we get home."

"Home." Oh, that was a lovely thought. A beautiful, wonderful thought that I didn't deserve to have but he seemed willing to encourage anyway.

The mile or so journey home was long and painful. Though William made a valiant effort to hide his winces every time the carriage jerked, I felt each one.

When he was finally settled safely in my bed, the tightness in my spine lessened. I fluffed the pillow he was resting on, desperate for some sort of useful occupation.

"Don't know what the fussing is about, 'm perfectly well."

"You could have died. Give me a little leave to fuss." I perched on the edge of the bed beside his prone form.

"I just?—"

"Will, I already held the man I loved in my arms while he passed once. For too long I thought I might have to do it again. And it would have destroyed me. So if it's all the same to you, I'm going to fret over you for a while now."

"Love?"

"Yes?"

"No—I mean yes, of course, but it was a question. You love me?"

And oh, there it was. That awed look he wore so well, the one that made my heart flutter. His jaw dropped slightly, eyes—eye—crinkled. It was a sunny morning blue just now. The worst of the swelling was beginning to recede on the other one, and I could see the barest flash of blue beneath the puffy upper lid.

"I told you so, last night."

"Thought I might have dreamt that. I was concussed, you know… Were you there with me?" The way he said it, the soft hope flowing through every word. It was a sharp reminder of just how badly I hurt him.

"I was," I whispered. I slipped my hand in his, interlacing our fingers, clasping them tight. He stared at them a moment longer. This man… He had no guard, no guile. Every thought was plain as day, right in his eyes. Even when only one was open.

Slowly, he tightened his fingers over mine and brushed his thumb across the back of my hand. Even now, days after he last held a quill, his nails were stained with ink. The sight made me smile—my Will.

He swallowed, his throat bobbing as he considered his words. "What does that mean?"

"It means… I love you. I'm in love with you. I fought it every step of the way. I thought I wasn't strong enough, brave enough to bear the risk." I broke off, swallowing the lump in my throat.

I turned to our hands. It was easier to get this part out without the agonizing wonder in his gaze.

"When Gabriel died, a part of me died too. Or I thought it had. But you found it. You dug into my soul and you found it, brought it into the light, made it yours. You did it so slowly, I missed the signs. You made me want to live again, love again. You showed me that I am capable of it.

"I knew you loved me. You told me—every second sentence, you told me." He huffed a quiet laugh. "I… I was so scared that I was going to be hurt again. And I was terrified that I was going to hurt you. That I would break you when you found out I wasn't capable of loving you as you deserved.

"You're so courageous, Will. You jump into everything with your whole heart. I knew it even that day in Kent, all those years ago. The way you loved Adriane, it was all over your face and in every move you made. And it was the same way with me. But I couldn't match that. At least, I didn't think so.

"So at the first test, I ran. I ran because I was a coward, and I thought I was broken. But it turns out, I was just bruised…"

"Love…"

"Will, when I thought you had died or that you wouldn't make it…" I broke off, my voice finally cracking under the pressure of holding back the tears. They fell swiftly, silently, landing on my skirts. "It wasn't any less agonizing for having run. It was worse. Because you would have passed thinking I didn't love you. And that was the thing that was unendurable."

When I finally turned back to meet his eye, his expression was, for perhaps the first time, unreadable. Forging ahead, I continued.

"So, it means… whatever you want it to mean. I love you. I want to be with you. In whatever capacity you'll have me. But I know I was cruel. And I'm an awful lot of trouble. So if you're not ready for that… Well, I'll keep fussing after you while you're trapped here until you fall in love with me again. And I'll feign acceptance of your decision for now."

"Celine, love. You think there's a man with his senses anywhere who could hear a speech like that, from a woman like you, and do anything but fall at your feet?"

"So you—" He cut me off, grabbing the back of my neck with his free hand fisting in my hair and pulling me to him.

I hadn't known it was possible to convey that depth of feeling with nothing more than lips brushing against lips. Even now, William kissed with his whole being. It wasn't particularly involved, no tongues or teeth—he was too injured for more. But there was tenderness, feeling, love behind every touch. And it was addicting, I wanted more, more, more, always, forever.

Eventually, his ribs protested and he fell back with a curse.

"So, yes?"

"Yes, love."

With a delighted smile fighting its way onto my lips, matching his contented one, I curled into his side once again.

"Does this mean we're courting?" I asked.

"This means I would marry you tomorrow, but I'm still a touch frightened that asking will run you off."

That had me popping off the bed, hovering over him again. Though there was mirth in his smile, his eye showed no hint of it.

"I'm not running off. But tomorrow seems impractical. It takes longer than that to get to Scotland."

"What?"

"Also, I don't think your ribs will allow you in a carriage for that long."

"You want to marry me?"

"Not tomorrow, as I said, since that's impossible. But by the time the bans have been read, you should be mostly healed."

"You're serious?"

"Yes. Were you not?"

"No, I am!"

"I do have one request."

"Anything."

"When the time comes, you let me die first?"

He cupped my chin thoughtfully, lovingly. "Many, many years from now, you may die first. A century, perhaps?"

"A century sounds wonderful." He kissed me again and I silently cursed his injuries. I settled back against his uninjured side once more while he thumbed through my hair.

"You never did tell me the whole story, you said someone threatened me?"