Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

Dearest Rafe,

I have decided to visit my home in Penporth for a few days. I am certain you have realized I have been unsettled. I regret that I could not confide in you about the wounds in my heart, but I hope that with some time apart, I will gain the clarity I need to move forward.

I realize that I was the most unlikely choice to be your countess. I know that marrying me went against your logic, your position in society, and everything you have been taught. I have been trying to be the proper countess—someone you would like and admire—but in doing so, I have been slowly drowning in sadness.

I explained to the girls that I was visiting Penporth for a while and will be home soon. I assured them that you and their grandmother would take care of them until I returned.

Your countess.

J ulia rode into Penporth, the familiar sight of her childhood home coming into view after five long days riding and overnight at inns. The ache in her muscles was a distant companion to the deeper ache in her heart. She had ridden hard, determined to escape the unhappiness wrapped around her like a shroud, but with each passing mile, the clarity she sought had begun to emerge.

As she rode, memories of her life with Rafe flooded her mind. She recalled every moment they had shared—the way he laughed, the quiet consideration in his eyes when he made love to her, how he sometimes joined her during the girls' lessons, and the freedom he allowed her to be herself. In those moments, she had felt the most alive, the most herself.

In her attempt to be the perfect countess, to fit into the mold that she believed Rafe wanted, she had begun to smother the very essence of who she was. And now, riding through the familiar streets of Penporth, she realized the tragic mistake she had made. She missed Rafe with an intensity that startled her. The thought of him—his laughter, his touch, the way he allowed her to be free—filled her with a longing that was impossible to ignore.

It was then that she understood the truth she had been avoiding. She couldn't pretend to be someone she wasn't. That was not the way to win her husband's love, nor was it the life she wanted to lead. She could be the perfect countess when needed, but within her home, especially in her husband's arms, she needed to be herself—the woman who laughed loudly, wasn't afraid to get her hands dirty and found joy in life's simple pleasures.

I should have shared my pain and fear with you, Rafe, not run from you .

Julia felt a bittersweet pang of nostalgia as the old stone house she grew up in came into view. This was where she had spent her childhood, where she had dreamed of love and adventure. As she reined in her horse in front of the house, a sense of peace washed over her. She knew what she needed to do. She needed to go back to Rafe, to be honest with him, to show him who she truly was, and to trust that it would be enough. She wouldn't try to fit into a mold that didn't belong to her.

She would be the woman he had married, not out of obligation, but because he saw something in her that he couldn't resist.

For me, he was not logical but acted with his heart; that must have meant something .

Taking a deep breath, she dismounted, her decision made. She would spend a few days here, gathering her thoughts, and then she would return to Rafe and fight for the life they could have together.

Julia greeted their housekeeper, who hugged her tightly. She laughed and said, "Are James and Sarah here?"

"Oh, Miss Julia, yes. They were out riding earlier, and I cannot say if they have returned."

"I will check the library," she said warmly.

Julia walked down the hallway and entered the library, her steps soft on the plush carpet as she approached the heavy drape blocking the evening sun. A loud noise startled her as she lifted her hand to pull it back. She turned quickly, her heart leaping as the door burst open.

" Rafe? " she gasped, blinking in disbelief.

Her husband stood in the doorway, looking like he had not slept in days. His normally composed appearance was disheveled, his dark hair tousled, and his eyes filled with an intensity she had never seen before.

"How … how are you here?" she stammered, her voice trembling with shock.

"Is that what you have to say?" he snapped, his tone raw with emotion. "You left! You only left a blasted one-page letter. I saddled my stallion and rode after you the moment I saw it. Why did you leave me?"

A wounded edge to his voice made Julia's heart twist painfully. She couldn't hold back the truth any longer.

"I'm shattered at the thought that you didn't choose me," she admitted, her voice cracking. "You agree with your mother, don't you? If not for our compromise, you would have avoided me because I was unsuitable in every way to be your countess. I tried to be the perfect countess, the one you would be proud of, but I lasted only four bloody days. And when I couldn't keep up the pretense, it gutted me because it meant if I wasn't your choice and couldn't keep pretending; how could you ever love me? How can you love me?"

The pain she had buried for days now poured out, raw and unfiltered. Tears welled in her eyes as she finally gave voice to the fears that had been consuming her.

Within moments, Rafe crossed the room, dragging her against his chest. "Julia, I did choose you," he said urgently, his hands trembling as they cupped her face. "I could have walked away and left you to the ashes of your ruin, but I didn't—"

"Your honor made you marry me," she cried, her fist thudding against his chest in frustration.

"No, my hunger made me choose you!" Rafe interrupted, his voice rough with desperation. "The fact that I couldn't stop thinking of you made me choose you. Even in my sleep, I could hear your laughter and see the way you tilt your head, the mischievous glint in your eyes. That your kiss erased all others from my memory made me choose you. And the hunger … the longing I feel to have you in my arms made me damn well choose you!"

Julia stared at him, her mind reeling, unable to process the words that spilled from his lips.

"I went to London searching for a mother for my girls … and a countess," he continued, his voice low and intense. "But I never thought about finding a partner, a lover, a friend. And you—by God, you're all those things to me. I'm damn ashamed that I never showed you how much you mean to me. Somehow, I thought the many times we made love conveyed the depth of my feelings—"

A rough clearing of a throat interrupted his words, and Julia's eyes widened in surprise.

A low voice drawled from the shadows, "I suspect I am not needed for the rest of this conversation."

Julia blinked, her shock turning to mortification as she noticed her brother James sitting in a shadowy corner of the room.

"James!" she cried, her cheeks flaming with embarrassment, wrenching from Rafe's embrace. Oh, no, Rafe just mentioned how often they made love. Her cheeks burned hotter.

Her brother chuckled, standing and lifting his hands in surrender. "I will leave you two to it," he said with a grin, dipping his head in a small bow before slipping out of the room.

A seething silence lingered after his departure, and Julia fought the urge to dash into Rafe's arms. Instead, she met his gaze, her voice soft but filled with pain she could no longer hide.

"You hurt me," she whispered, her heart pounding so forcefully against her ribs that it made breathing difficult. "It felt like a blade cutting through my heart when you said you didn't want to fall in love with me."

"I was a damn fool," Rafe said hoarsely, his eyes closing as if the admission pained him. "Please … forgive me."

The sincerity in his voice touched something deep within her, and tears welled in her eyes. "Rafe …"

He leaned in, resting his forehead against hers. "I love you," he confessed, his voice rough with emotion. "I realized I was falling in love with you, and with that realization, my old fears resurfaced."

He reached out, gently placing a hand on her belly. "The thought of losing you like I lost Anna … it would break me. I decided to fight that fear, but that's what I was thinking about when my mother walked into my study. It was why I made such a foolish, asinine comment. I love you, Julia, like I've never loved anyone."

With a choked sob, Julia threw herself against his chest, wrapping her arms around him. "I love you too, Rafe. So very much."

He hugged her tightly, holding her like he never wanted to let go. They stood like that for long moments.

"We must return home soon," Rafe murmured against her hair. "I saw your letter on my desk, grabbed my hat and coat, and rushed out of the house like a madman, calling for my horse. My mother shouted after me, and the girls jumped and screamed that I would find you. Somehow, they knew."

Julia laughed, her shoulders shaking with relief and joy. "Oh, dear."

"I've been in these clothes for days," Rafe admitted with a rueful smile. "I didn't have the presence of mind to pack a valise. I kept thinking you wouldn't come back, that your siblings would hide you from me, and I'd never damn well find you again."

Love and good humor burst inside her heart. "Forgive me for running and not communicating my fears, Rafe. I vow it will never happen again."

He kissed her hard and deeply, then whispered against her mouth, "And I vow I will never let you down again. I will ensure my mother and everyone knows how much I adore you."

She giggled softly, her heart feeling light and free. "That's not necessary. I only need to know it."

He cupped her cheeks and lightly kissed her mouth, yet it conveyed many emotions. Smiling, Julia said, "Let us spend the night and leave tomorrow to return to our girls."

Tugging his arms, she led him to her bedchamber. Rafe removed his clothes and tugged her into his arms. She anticipated he would thoroughly ravish her. Instead, he curved his body around hers and promptly fell asleep. Laughing, she whispered, "I love you." Then rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes.