Chapter 24

Chapter 24

"I'll pack some food for you—for the journey," Tara said as she placed a plate of eggs on the table for breakfast.

John and Kyle were sitting opposite one another. John had been quiet that morning, coming into the house just as Tara had come down from upstairs. He seemed deep in thought—hardly surprising, given the revelation of the previous evening.

"That's good of you, Tara. I'll be back before nightfall. I just want to see John on his way, that's all," Kyle said, glancing at John, who nodded.

"I'll have to go to the mercantile, but it won't take me long," Tara said.

She was trying to distract herself from her feelings, keeping busy, else she knew she would simply burst into tears.

"You don't have to go to any trouble," John said, glancing up at her, but Tara shook her head.

"Oh, it's no trouble. No trouble at all," she replied, forcing a smile to her face.

Having placed the pan of sausages she was cooking on the table, Tara hurried to get ready. She put on her shawl and bonnet before heading out into the snow and making her way toward the mercantile. There were tears in her eyes, and she brushed them away, trying not to think about the inevitable heartbreak to come.

In just a few hours, John would leave, and that would be that. The happiness they had shared would be gone, and despite his words to the contrary, Tara knew he would forget her. Theirs had been a moment in time, destined to pass into memory.

And I've got my own life to lead, she told herself, for she knew she had been neglecting her duties at the clinic, not giving her all to the vocation she professed.

As she approached the mercantile, Tara reminded herself of the importance of what she had achieved—she was strong and willfully independent, and she didn't need Kyle, or anyone else, to validate her. She was about to enter the store when a shout behind her caused her to turn. It was Gina, accompanied by Randy, and the two of them were hurrying toward her.

"Tara, wait. I've got something important to tell you," Gina said, breathless as she and Randy hurried onto the boards outside the mercantile.

"What's happened?" Tara asked, for they both looked excited.

"My brother's just had a visit from two bounty hunters. They're looking for a man called Skeeter Layton. He's the one behind the robberies. They've happened elsewhere, too. I wanted to tell you because… well, I think Thomas is feeling bad about his suspicions over John," Gina said.

Tara raised her eyebrows. "And so he should. He had no reason to suspect John. None at all."

"I know, and that's why it's important John knows about it. Was he upset?" Gina asked.

"Wouldn't you be? Anyway, it doesn't matter now. He's not going to be here long enough for any more rumors to spread," Tara replied. She explained how Kyle had returned the night before, bringing with him the memory they had been searching for.

"But that's good news, isn't it?" Gina said, though she looked doubtfully at Tara as she spoke.

"I suppose so… he's going back to Helena today. Kyle's going to ride with him for a few hours along the trail," Tara replied.

She could feel her emotions welling up inside her, and she was trying not to cry. Turning away, she bit her lip as the sob rose in her throat.

"Oh, Tara… you poor thing," Gina said, holding out her arms to embrace Tara, who now clung to her and allowed the tears to flow.

Randy stood awkwardly behind, and it was a few moments before Tara could speak again, taking a deep breath as she stepped back from Gina's embrace.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't be feeling like this. It's wrong. John's married, and he's got children, too. He's going back to them, and I'm pleased for him…"

"And what about Kyle?" Gina replied.

Tara shook her head. She felt nothing for Kyle. His presence was overbearing, and she felt fearful as to what he intended their future to be. He had spoken of marriage, and now he intended to live at the homestead, too. It was all too much, and Tara felt overwhelmed.

"I don't know… I don't know what he wants. I don't know what I want, either. Oh, it's all so complicated," Tara said, shaking her head.

Gina took Tara's hands in hers, gripping them firmly, and she looked at her with a stern expression.

"Now, listen to me, Tara. You're to do what you want to do. Not what anyone else wants. If you don't want to marry Kyle, you tell him. Do you understand?" she said, and Tara nodded.

"I know… but it's not as easy as that, is it? I invited him here. He's come all the way from Chicago. What am I supposed to do? Send him away with nothing but a disappointment?"

Her heart was torn, her mind confused. She was in love with an impossibility, and the alternative wasn't one she had any desire for. But this was a mess of her own making—of boundaries crossed and feelings gone unchecked. In a short while, Tara would be forced to say goodbye to the man she had fallen in love with—another woman's man, who, through no fault of his own, had developed feelings for her, too.

Since Kyle's revelation, Tara had thought a great deal about who this other woman might be—what was she like? Were the two of them similar?

"You can't marry a man you don't love, Tara. You'll be miserable for the rest of your life," Gina said.

Tara knew she was right, but as for doing something about it…

"I'd better go, Gina. I've got to get some things from the mercantile—for their journey. Is your brother out looking for this man—Skeeter Layton?"

Gina nodded. "He's got the deputies mobilized, and they're sending ahead to Helena for backup. He's not like most outlaws, though. The bounty hunters say he's a gentleman of sorts—charming, but cunning and manipulative. He could be hiding in plain sight," she said.

Tara shuddered. She had been horrified by the robbery, as had any decent person in Freemont, and though the community had rallied to help, fear of further crimes was rife.

"I just hope he's soon caught," she replied.

"So do I. We'll let you get on. I just wanted to tell you—and tell John, too. I don't want him leaving Freemont with a bad impression of us. Thomas would apologize himself, I'm sure," Gina said, and Tara nodded.

"I'll tell him. Perhaps we could meet tomorrow. I'm going to need your help if I'm to… well, whatever happens," Tara said, and with the arrangements made, Gina and Randy hurried off toward the lockup.

Tara sighed, feeling foolish for her sudden outburst of emotion. She had no choice but to accept the fact John was leaving. There was nothing she could do about it, and she was mindful of Doctor Reardon's warnings against attachment. She had failed to heed them, and now she was paying the price for her foolishness.

I shouldn't have gotten so involved, she admonished herself as she made her way around the mercantile, picking up things for John's journey.

She wanted to give him some way of remembering her, and her eye now fell on a notepad, similar to the one that John had made his sketches of her in. Slipping it into her basket, she wondered if he would keep the drawings he had made of her, and now she resolved to ask him to do one final picture of her before he left—a tangible thing he could treasure, even as everything else they had shared would only be a distant memory.

***

"It's an easy enough trail to Helena, though the snow can make it difficult in places. You can't go wrong, though—just don't stray off the path," Kyle said.

The two men had been preparing for their journey. John's leg, though still sore, was healed enough to allow him to ride. It would be an awkward procedure to get into the saddle, however, and he was not looking forward to the rough trail ahead.

They were standing in the parlor and only had the horses to saddle and the food to pack once Tara returned from the mercantile. But John was feeling reluctant. He did not want to leave, though it seemed he had no choice but to do so.

"I could stay a while longer in Freemont—perhaps until the snow clears," John said, but Kyle shook his head.

"Think of your wife. She must be beside herself. And your children, too. Don't they deserve to have their father back?" Kyle said. "You've been gone a long time. I'd say it's likely you'd gone east on business and told them you'd be back before winter set in. It could be months since you last saw them. Why delay?"

"It just seems a shame to leave so close to Christmas," John replied.

He knew he had no right to remain at the homestead. Kyle was friendly enough, but it was clear he wanted John gone. But the thought of leaving was painful—it filled him with dread. He could remember nothing about a wife and children, or a life in Helena. It was all hearsay—there was no memory—and to return to such a life without knowing anything about it was a terrifying prospect.

"But think how it'll be when you walk through that door. It'll be the best Christmas present they could imagine. It's all they'll be dreaming of," Kyle said.

John nodded. What else could he say? He could hardly tell Kyle he dreaded the thought of returning to Helena and to the life he had apparently lived there. The previous night, he had lain on his bed in the straw in the outbuildings, trying desperately to remember something to make sense of what Kyle was telling him.

He had thought over those memories he knew for certain—writing the letters, drinking coffee, singing hymns. But none of the things he remembered for certain fitted with the idea of a wife and children in Helena.

John might as well have been getting on a boat bound for Europe as riding the trail to Helena. Both places were strange to him, and he wondered how he would ever fit in. But as worried as he was about going to a place he knew nothing of, he also feared leaving the familiar behind. Freemont had become his home, but it was Tara he would miss the most.

She meant everything to him—she was his savior, and he had fallen in love with her, even as they had both held back from expressing those feelings that only seemed to grow stronger with every passing moment they shared.

"But it's not what I'm dreaming of," John replied.

Kyle smiled, reaching out and placing his hand on John's shoulder. "You'll feel different once you're there. I know you will."

John knew he was trying to reassure him, and that he had no right to feel as he did. But there was something else, too—a feeling John had about Kyle, one he didn't entirely like. Tara was obviously not expecting Kyle to return, and John now wondered what life would be like for her with him once they had parted ways.

"And what about you and Tara?" John asked.

Kyle continued to smile, though it was an unpleasant smile, as though there was more behind it than the words he now spoke.

"What about us? We'll be happy. I'm grateful to you for helping her while I was away. But now I'm back, we'll manage the homestead just fine."

"It must be nice to have such certainty," John said.

"Tara and I spent months writing to one another. I knew everything about her before I even met her, and she could say the same about me, too," Kyle said, still with that same unpleasant smile on his face.

John nodded. It wasn't his business to tell Kyle the truth, but he felt certain he knew how Tara felt about Kyle, and it was not as Kyle himself thought. She had believed he would not return, and it had seemed to John as though she was glad of the fact—relieved, even. But what would happen when he had left was for the two of them, and not him.

Whatever happened, John knew he would never forget Tara, or the happy times they had shared together. He loved her, and he couldn't simply force himself not to do so because of circumstances beyond his control. Whatever lay in his past, this was his present, and it pained him to think he was powerless to prevent the inevitable heartbreak they would both feel on parting.

"You're a lucky man," John said, and Kyle slapped him heartily on the back.

"I know I am. But so are you. You've got a wife and children, and a job to go back to. It's a ready-made life. I've had to struggle for everything in my own life. I think I deserve a bit of luck now, don't you?"

John nodded. He couldn't do anything but agree, even as he wondered just what Kyle meant by speaking of his own struggles. But it wouldn't be long before Tara returned from the mercantile, so John went out to the outbuilding to finish packing his things.

Tara had offered to lend him Stanley for the ride, and he would send the horse back to Freemont from Helena with the mail rider. Now, he packed his meager possessions into a saddlebag, pausing as he came to the notepad containing the precious drawings of Tara.

I won't ever forget her, he told himself as he flicked through the drawings, smiling at the face looking back at him.

It broke his heart to know they would soon be parting ways. John had precious few memories to cling to, but Tara was at very heart of those, and there she would remain. Holding up his favorite drawing of her, he brought her lips to his, closing his eyes and imagining it really was Tara he was holding. A tear rolled down his cheek, and he sighed, reminding himself none of this was ever really meant to be.

But it was wonderful while it lasted, he told himself, closing the notepad and knowing it was now time to leave this memory behind.