Chapter Seventeen

August 9, 1817

Landover Manor

Bedfordshire, England

G igi lay on her side and trained her gaze on the open window where a gentle summer breeze flirted with the lace-edged curtains. The heat had broken a couple of days ago when a storm had blown through, leaving the area drenched in sunshine and comfortable temperatures.

It had been three days since the scare over her missing charges, three days since that last, intense coupling with the vicar, three days since she'd packed her belongings and moved back to the manor house. She had failed as a governess, of that there was no doubt.

All she had for her time at the vicarage were wonderful memories and intense heartbreak.

And she'd failed at everything else too.

For the past two days, she'd kept to her bedchamber and spent copious hours crying. All three sisters had attempted to come in and talk with her, but she sent them away saying she wasn't ready. Then her mother had assumed that she was no doubt repenting at leisure where she'd jumped into hasty scandal. To which Gigi had politely asked her to leave her alone as well.

Did she regret her past? Her escapades? Her flirting? Her scandals?

She had a slight smile. No, she did not. They'd brought perspective and experiences, taught her about life. Showed her what she wanted and didn't want for herself.

Yet she remained alone, only this time, she wasn't an innocent, and if her couplings with Thomas resulted in a child, life would shift and change once more. Until her menses came or didn't, she waited in a sort of nether world, not able to move forward and no longer able to go backward. If she did fall pregnant, what recourse would she have? Her parents would be devastated, and the gossip would destroy what was left of her father's name and legacy, if any. It would hasten the decline of their health, and by association, the reputations of her younger sisters would be tarnished, stealing away their futures.

It was something she couldn't think about just now lest she open herself up to fresh heartbreak.

One thing was certain, love didn't care what the head wanted. Position and coin no longer mattered. Her heart wanted something—someone—who was unattainable. No number of intentions and good acts mattered. Not according to the Church, that was. And apparently they didn't matter to the vicar, for after her impassioned speech the day the girls went missing, he hadn't come to seek her out.

There was just… nothing. Almost as if what transpired between them never existed.

Another round of tears prickled the backs of her eyelids. How could he not care?

A knock at her door yanked her from her tortured musings. Quickly, she dabbed at the tears with her handkerchief but didn't move from her position. "Come in." She still didn't feel like talking about her time as a governess.

When the door opened, Emmaline came in. As the youngest of all the Hasting sisters, she still possessed a childlike hope in happy endings and a belief in fairy-story magic. In fact, she was around the same age as Miss Partridge.

The woman whom Thomas had already asked to pay his addresses to.

"How are you feeling this afternoon, Gigi?" The cadence of her sister's voice was lovely and pleasing. It was a pity that she'd been so traumatized by the fire that she very rarely left the manor house. "Any better?"

"Not really."

A soft sigh came from her sister. "I'm sorry to hear that." When Emmaline moved around the bed, she perched on the side of the bed near Gigi's feet. "Perhaps you should go outside and breathe the fresh air. Feel the sun on your face. It might lift your spirits."

"I would really rather not, but thank you." The last thing she wanted to find was new hope. "I have enough sun and the breeze here."

"That is not the same." Emmaline peered into Gigi's face and smiled. "If I go outside with you, will you come? Just into the back gardens. Mama said one of the neighbors repaired the fountain recently, so the water is constantly moving now and no longer brackish."

"I'm glad to hear that." The fountain in the gardens had always been one of her favorite places on the estate, but it hadn't worked for years of late, and Papa didn't have the funds to engage a tradesman.

Emmaline nodded. She gathered her long blonde hair, twisted it into a knot, and then secured it with a long hair pin she'd pulled from God only knew where.

Then she frowned. "Wait. Why would you voluntarily leave the house? You have never once wished to do that since you were adopted into the family."

"I know." Her sister ducked her head. A faint blush stained her cheeks. "But if I have a chance to make you feel better, I will do it… even if it frightens me."

The sacrifice tightened Gigi's chest. That was exactly how love should work, making someone happy no matter what. With a gasp, she maneuvered herself into a sitting position. "You would do that for me?"

"Yes." Though there was apprehension in her eyes, Emmaline nodded. "The gardens are supposed to be beautiful right now, and Mama often goes out there to weed and trim when her mind is troubled." She shrugged. "I remember how you enjoyed spending time there."

"Oh, dearest, it's a lovely sentiment, but you don't need to do this for me." Taking in a deep breath, Gigi let is slowly ease out. Again, she glanced out the window. "Perhaps I should visit the gardens. A walk might be just the thing to lift me out of the doldrums."

"You should change into a prettier dress, then."

"Why?" She frowned. "I won't see anyone, and neither will I visit with the neighbors."

"When a lady puts on a pretty dress, she will instantly feel better." So saying, her sister bounded off the bed and moved over to the armoire across the room. When she swung open the doors, she smiled. "You must wear this one. It's so summery and cheerful."

Gigi huffed when her sister held up the garment. Made of a cream silk blend and lined with lace at the bodice, it had a robe-like garment of sky-blue silk, also lined with lace. "I don't remember the last time I wore that." It had been new a couple of years ago before Papa somehow lost all his coin. "Besides, it is a gown, more suitable for dinner or a rout than a walk in one's personal gardens."

"Then it's all the more important to put it on now, else it will be wasted. And it doesn't matter the occasion." Emmaline draped the gown over her arm. "Come. I'll act as your maid and will even help with your hair."

"Such a lot of fuss for nothing." Yet the idea of cleaning herself up and returning to some semblance of normalcy appealed to her.

A half hour later, Gigi had donned the gown. Emmaline had twisted her hair up into a simple but glamorous updo then somehow convinced her to don opera-length gloves. It wasn't necessary, yet she did it to humor her sister.

"Now, lightly pinch your cheeks and bite your lips to encourage the color to circulate." Emmaline smiled. "It simply won't do to have you looking like death. You might cause the flowers to wilt."

"Do stop." Gigi chuckled, but she did it anyway. Then she allowed her sister to link arms with her and they went downstairs and ultimately outside to stroll the paths of the rear gardens, moving slowly toward the small clearing at the center where the fountain rested.

The closer they came, the more she became aware of a ruckus that sounded like the irritated honking of geese as well as childish giggles. "What in the world is that?"

Emmaline's hand trembled on Gigi's arm. "I would have no idea."

Poor thing. No doubt she was terrified they would meet someone by accident, and she would be forced to socialize. Then there was a string of curses mixed with commands in a masculine voice that she recognized, and she gasped. "Thomas." A shiver went down her spine. She glanced at her sister. "You tricked me."

"You wouldn't have come down if I'd said he was here." She dug her fingers into Gigi's arm. "I saw him from one of the windows upstairs and knew instantly he was here to talk with you." She smiled and happiness twinkled in her eyes. "He brought his nieces, so that has to mean something."

Then they reached the clearing. Gigi came to a halt and dug in her heels, refusing to go forward any farther. The soft tinkling of the water in the fountain helped to calm the racing of her heart, but seeing Thomas trying to herd the same pair of geese that lived at the pond into the fountain's pool had her trying without success to stifle her laughter.

"Oh, dear Lord, he even brought a swan." In fact, that regal bird was already floating happily in the pool, yet it was all too evident the bird was far too large for the space.

"It's romantic, don't you think?"

"I…" She didn't have a chance to make up her mind, for the geese chose that moment to spy her, and with honks of recognition, they quick waddled around Thomas and advanced in her direction. "What should I do?"

"Go see what the vicar wants," Emmaline said in a low voice. She gave Gigi a tiny push. "And look at him, Gigi. He's gorgeous." Amusement threaded through her voice. "When he's not clinging to tradition or properness, he's magnificent."

"That he is," she agreed in a barely audible whisper. "But why is he here at all? And with waterfowl?"

Her sister giggled and gave Gigi's shoulder a prod. "Best go talk to him. Perhaps he's examined the depths of his heart and is prepared to offer it to you."

"Oh, dear." Her stomach muscles tightened. "He didn't need to do that." Yet a kernel of hope bloomed in her chest, and with a sigh, she moved slowly toward the fountain even as the two geese met her and provided an escort. Then she only had eyes for the vicar, and she openly peered at him. "Good heavens, he hasn't shaved this morning." The shadow of black whiskers clung to his jaw and chin… and it was one of the most erotic pictures she'd ever seen. Wisps of heat curled through her lower belly. What would that friction feel like against her skin?

Emmaline followed softly behind her. "Perhaps he will propose," she whispered.

Oh, no! A wave of cold panic rose in her chest. "I don't know about that. We are far too different…" Life was constantly in flux and changing, and it terrified her of where she would end up in that mess. "We won't suit."

Wouldn't they? But now… seeing him again, having him here felt… right.

What if I'm wrong?

"At least listen to him. He's so handsome, and that grin!" When Emmaline came into Gigi's line of sight, she winked. "Love isn't supposed to be easy, and shouldn't a man need to show you the depths of his regard with a bit of groveling? And when you are honest with yourself, you love him, so let him have his say. He is trying."

"Right." Gigi nodded. She waved to the little girls, who sat with composure and smiles on the lip of the fountain. How had he encouraged them not to run amok? Slowly walked toward Thomas's position while drawing a deep, calming breath into her lungs and letting it ease out in an effort to calm her frantic heartbeat. The soft honks from the geese gave her confidence, and she absently stroked one of the goosey heads. When the swan saw her, it trumpeted, which set off peals of laughter from the girls.

"Hullo, Thomas." Her nerves felt strung too tight while flutters skated through her belly. Indeed, that grin of his made her want to toss everything to the wind and kiss him.

But she wouldn't, at least not in front of the girls.

"Good afternoon, Geneieve." The pleasing timber of his voice awoke butterflies in her belly. "I trust you don't mind that I've paid you a call or that I brought some of your favorite people—"

"And geese!" Penny said as an interruption.

"I like the swan," Lily added. She put a hand into the water in an apparent effort to attract the white bird, who completely ignored her.

"Uh, I don't mind, I suppose." What a ninny she was! Despite their time apart, despite the words they'd each said the last time they'd talked, despite her own doubts and fears, despite his adherence to the things that kept them apart, she wanted this man with a fierceness that prowled her insides and tried to steal her breath.

He raked his gaze up and down her person with all the leisure of a caress, and it made her tremble. "You are quite beautiful today, and the gown only adds to that."

"Thank you. I like that you've left your somber suit behind." Gigi wanted to scream in frustration, for these polite niceties weren't needed, yet as Emmaline had said, he was making an effort. The buff-colored breeches hugged his lean legs and the boots had been recently shined. His fine lawn shirt had been topped with an ivory satin waistcoat embroidered with green vines as well as a jacket in blue superfine that made his eyes a clear gray. "What are you doing here, and why have you coerced the waterfowl into this garden?"

From somewhere behind her, Emmaline giggled, and when Gigi glanced over her shoulder, her sister ducked behind a grouping of decorative trees.

"I wished to talk with you, to make a speech, and I didn't think you'd toss me out if I brought the girls and the geese."

"And the swan!" Lily was quick to remind him. Only then did she notice that both girls held flowers in their laps.

"Indeed." The grin he flashed had the power to weaken her knees. "Will you grant me a few minutes of your time?"

"Oh, I…" She pressed a hand to her middle where the need to retch made itself known. "I suppose." A tremble moved down her spine. Would he truly propose?

"Good." When he glanced at the girls, they both nodded vigorously. "Right, then I'll come to it straightaway before my nerve gives out." The vicar dropped to one knee. "When I asked you to be my nieces' governess three weeks ago, I had no idea how much you would change all our lives."

"Well, that is to be expected when I am hardly the proper type. Perhaps it was silly of me to think I would ever be a good fit as a governess."

"Nonsense. In fact, I truly believe more women should be like you."

"Oh?" She could hardly breathe, and she held a gloved hand to her throat.

"And in that time, you have surprised me, you have nurtured the girls as if they were your own, you have held your own against the gossips, have annoyed me several times, shattered my heart…"

"Ah." Well, that wasn't romantic. Gigi bit her bottom lip as one of the geese sat down in the grass near her feet. "Is that all you would say? When last we spoke, that conversation and what occurred just before it was quite charged."

"Yes." Thomas shook his head. "I mean, no." He blew out a breath and gave her a wry smile. "There is so much more." He took one of her hands in his, and tiny little sensations danced up her arm, but when the other goose took exception to his possession with a loud honk and an aggressive posture, Thomas quickly released her. "It would seem you have made an impression on them as well, and they consider you one of themselves."

Gigi uttered a snort of laughter. Even the girls laughed. "Some geese have impeccably good taste."

"Yes, well, I quite agree on that count. You are a remarkable woman." He paused with a frown as if sorting through his speech in his mind.

"While I thank you for that, nothing has truly changed between us, Thomas," she said in a low voice. "I am not a suitable woman for you or your life."

"I have given that quite a bit of thought ever since you left. Hell, I've even petitioned God on my knees for more hours than I care to admit, asking Him to help me make sense of the confusion I feel and everything I have experienced since you came into my life."

"And what were you left with?"

"More of the same." He blew out a breath. "So I appealed to the only people I knew had the power to sort me out."

"Who?"

"The girls." He shot them a grin, and they waved back, though she suspected if he didn't get on with it that Lily would tumble accidentally on purpose into the fountain's pool. "They helped me to realize that being a lovely person can come in all forms and manners, and that I would only find stodgy, boring people in the congregation."

Oh, dear. Gigi bit her bottom lip to keep from laughing. Perhaps too much of her had rubbed off on them. "Well, they aren't wrong."

"No, they aren't, and I also took your words under advisement while I couldn't sleep these past three nights." Need warred with affection in the stormy gray depths of his eyes.

"I haven't been able to sleep either… because I am continually haunted by memories of you."

"Oh?" The hope on his face left her weak at the knees.

"Yes." She nodded. "But please continue. No doubt the girls are growing restless, and the male goose might rush at you." If he chose to ask her to remain in his life, he would need to do better than that. Too many hurtful words and assumptions on his part had made her feel ashamed of being who she was. "What of Miss Partridge?"

"I told her in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested, that my heart belongs unequivocally to another."

"It does." It wasn't a question.

"Absolutely, and I no longer have the strength to fight that realization or deny the feelings." Risking the ire of the goose, Thomas renewed his hold on her hand. "Despite myself, despite my position in the Church, I have become overwhelmed by you. I am afraid if I continue this unorthodox and quite scandalous courtship of you, I will eventually lose myself in you—in us—and I will forget my calling quite gleefully because you simply amaze me."

More flutters danced through her lower belly, for those were lovely words indeed. "Yet you said before I wasn't the type of woman you needed by your side."

"I did say that." He nodded and glanced once more at his nieces. Penny urged him to get on with it in a hand gesture while Lily had her slippers off and her skirts hiked up as she waded in the pool. "However, upon further reflection, I was horribly wrong."

"You were?" her hand shook in his. "How so?"

"Goodness and faithfulness come from a person's soul, not by how many times they attend a church service or what current gossip says about them." He tugged on the knot of his cravat with his free hand. "Children and animals are the best judges of someone's character, and you have that in spades, Gigi. I was a nodcock not to see it sooner, and I'm embarrassed that I let pressure from the Church and someone else's dictates lead me on the path away from you."

Her heart trembled. "Thomas—"

"Wait. I am not finished." His Adam's apple bobbed with a hard swallow. "I'm not perfect; I have flaws and am working on conquering."

"So do I," she said as tears filled her eyes. "But don't you think the imperfections are something that will keep the mystery alive? Something we can work on overcoming together?" Assuming he did intend to ask for her hand after all.

"Of course." He nodded. "There will undoubtedly be days where we'll fight and stay cross at one another. But I can also promise you happy days and plenty of blue skies. A lifetime of devotion." His shrug pulled the jacket tight across his chest. "And if this decision means that I'll lose this position, so be it. I shouldn't wish to be the leader of such a judgment filled congregation anyway."

The fact he would put his living in jeopardy for her yet again astounded her. A few tears fell to her cheeks. "I couldn't ask that of you."

"I'm giving the decision freely." The wonderful man brought her hand to his lips and kissed the gloved back. "Ah, Gigi, you humble me. Without prompting, you gave of yourself and supported me. You encourage me with your words and actions, with your caring and nurturing. I want all of that and more with you." When his voice broke, her hand trembled. "Above that, I wish to have the right to give everything that I am to you, for I simply cannot live without you."

"You are not without your own sterling moments, you know," she said quietly. "I adore how protective you are, how diplomatic you have had to be, how you infuse such heartfelt feeling into your sermons, how you care for your nieces, and have never once complained about anything… except my behavior."

Faint ruddy color climbed his neck above his cravat. "I apologize for that. It was the sin of judgment, and I had no right."

"I fear I will fail you, damage everything you've worked toward."

"Then we will work through the difficulties. As a team, and if that riles up some folks, then this isn't the place I need to be." He cleared his throat. "Nothing else matters except that we are together."

Penny let out a loud yawn worthy of a Drury Lane stage. "Get on with it, Uncle Thomas. Ask your question already so we can go swimming."

"Right." When he chuckled, Gigi did too, for the little girl's words broke the tension and centered their emotions. "All of that to arrive at the point. Geneieve Hasting, I love you. Plain and simple, I've thrown my hat over the windmill for you, and I can assure you these feelings go well beyond lust and desire." He winked, because the girls couldn't see him. "I want to expand the connection we share, want to revel in it for the rest of my life, so can you see it in your heart to make me the happiest of men?"

Before she could answer, he cleared his throat, and the girls came running over. Penny put something into his free hand.

He held up a ring made from a daisy and its stem, just like the ones she'd taught the girls how to make days ago. "Will you marry me and be my wife?"

"And be our new mama?" Lily asked with her customary enthusiasm, as she held out a wildflower wreath. "I asked our Mama. She just wants us to be happy, and it made me warm in my belly."

"Oh." Another wave of tears filled her eyes. Was there ever a more romantic, heartfelt speech or proposal? Her hand shook in his as she met his hopeful gaze. "I love you too." She gave into a soft laugh. "I love you girls as well, but I rather hoped I wouldn't turn into a watering pot again. I have been crying since the fete, it seems."

"Such is life, sweeting." Thomas grinned. He tugged on the fingers of her left-hand glove. "Emotions are part of us, and life is sometimes messy. You taught me that."

"Yes, it is." She nodded, and when he had trouble with the glove, she wrenched it from her hand. "I never knew that falling in love would be such an emotional affair, nor that it would be yet another change that has the potential to be terrifying."

"It's understandable, but change is also a part of life. If there wasn't change…"

"…there would be no butterflies." Penny rolled her eyes heavenward. She huffed as she looked at Gigi. "So, will you marry Uncle Thomas? He said your family lives in a big house, and I want to see it."

"I would very much like to marry him, but…" Focusing her attention him once more, she sighed. "I have my own flaws and I'm certainly not perfect."

"You don't need to be. I love you as you are."

She swallowed around the ball of emotions in her throat. "I refuse to be put on a pedestal for you to admire or treat me like a goddess. And I certainly will not mold myself into some sort of dull creature merely because you think that is what a vicar's wife should be. I am my own person who knows her own mind."

"I completely understand, and I've learned that lesson well." His hand holding the daisy ring trembled.

Gigi nodded. "Changing who I am to suit your life would be much like caging one of these geese." For that matter, how the devil had he transported the birds? "I'm not a proper ton woman, and never will be, and I suspect I'm not a proper church lady either."

"Which is one of the reasons I adore you." He squeezed her fingers. "I've become accustomed to you and the way you've sent my life tip over tail. Besides, I would imagine once you're wed, most of your scandalous exploits will come to an end." He winked again. "Remember, I said most ."

"Oh, Thomas." Another veil of tears pooled in her eyes. "I'll make mistakes."

"As will I."

"It's how we learn," she added in a barely there whisper.

"Jesus wasn't perfect either, love. He would be appalled to even think that anyone tried to hold themselves to an impossible standard." A sigh escaped him. "I'm learning that also because of you, which makes me wonder why I ever went to seminary." When he once more gave her that specific grin that threatened to turn her insides into mush, she sighed.

After another volley of tears, she had no choice except to blow her nose on the handkerchief he offered. "Pardon me. That's hardly romantic."

"Now that all the preliminaries are out of the way, will you marry me, Geneieve? Life won't be nearly as exciting without you in it."

"Yes, of course I will, and I'll be happy to do so." After he stood and slipped the daisy ring onto her finger, and she took the flower crown from Lily and put it onto her head, Gigi threw herself into his arms. In a low whisper intended only for his ears, she added, "I'm marrying you because I need you and everything you are, not because your congregation demanded that you wed. I'll try my best to be everything you want in a wife, but at the end of the day, I need you—the man—and I am only me. Everything else is merely window dressing."

"Those are the best words I've heard in quite a while." Despite Penny and Lily looking on, or perhaps because they were, he gently kissed her. When she curled her hands into his lapels and a surprised moan escaped her, he claimed her lips with more authority that had heated pleasure pinwheeling through her chest.

Oh, she couldn't wait until they shared a bit of privacy!

Eventually, common sense returned. Gigi pushed him slightly away before she became drunk on him. "I look forward to years of discovering the man you truly are behind the image of the vicar."

"Haven't I done enough to show you that already?"

As she laughed, it was as if everyone moved at once. The girls rushed over to hug her while Thomas stood looking on with a shocked expression. The male goose honked and nipped at his buttock while the swan flapped its impressive wings. Behind them, she heard Emmaline's giggle, but when she glanced over her shoulder, her sister had beat a hasty retreat back to the house.

Gigi let all her worries fade as she was held within the knot of her ready-made family, and when Thomas's arms came around her as well, she sighed. No, life wasn't perfect, and neither did it need to be in order to enjoy it. Theirs might be an impossible match, but it was right for them, and it was exciting to think about where they would end up in the future.

As long as they had love in one hand and faith in the other, change wasn't so frightening… and perhaps God already knew that.