51. Justice?

fifty-one

Justice?

*ELDEN*

I believed I would get a good portion of sleep but with the exhaustion settling in, I can feel something else too. It begins with a pulsating headache, just lightly, before step by step spreading through my whole body.

“Elden?” Flora asks, alarmed, waking from her sleep. “Elden!”

I grab her hand while I convulse in pain. I want to say something, but it’s like I am caught underwater. I try to struggle and swim upwards, but it’s in vain.

“Don’t fight it,” Flora whispers, repeating her words from before when I felt myself losing my mind. She takes my hand, and for a moment, I can feel the presence of her wolf.

Celeste?

Your father renounced his title, and it went to you, she says. This is the power you are receiving.

Hearing her words makes me remember what Samuel had once told me about. I just didn’t expect it to be like that. It’s like a test from the goddess to all royal lycans when they gain their alpha rank, to see if they are worthy of the gifts and powers they will receive from her.

Her blessed children, as we are called.

I am not feeling blessed now, though. I get why it has to happen, but it’s not a simple task.

We knew this would happen , we are prepared , I mutter to myself, hoping Regis will hear it too. I can’t connect with him right now, he has to go through this on his own, as I do.

We knew.

We are prepared.

I allow the water to swamp over me and drag me down into the spiral of my mind, not fighting it anymore. Instead, I have to fight everything else that’s been hounding my mind. Once in the deepest void of my mind, I am forced to face my grief and anger at having lost my mother, and the way I lost her. I am reminded, yet again, of how unfairly my father treated us, my relationship to Samuel which was much more tense before. I feel inadequate and weak, and unworthy again.

Almost like back when I was a child.

No, it’s different now. I am not alone.

I might not feel deserving of everything in my life, but it’s perfectly human to have doubts.

I spend hours caught in my mind, but with every passing minute, it gets less and less excruciating, until I find myself completely calm. Step by step my bond to Regis returns, making me whole again.

Sometimes I feel like I am weak, but I know it’s okay. Every person has their doubts at times. It doesn’t mean that I am weak.

I am not weak.

“…Elden?” Flora’s voice reaches me, making me blink my eyes open. My head is resting in her lap. She has a towel in her hands, using it to dry the sweat off my forehead. “You are back with me!” she exclaims.

I smile. “I am fine,” I say, needing a moment to take in the many sensations I feel now. It’s my pack members, with whom I have formed a new bond as their alpha. Voices swirl around me. They must have heard the news, too, because I can feel their surprise and joy. Some even reach out to me to voice their happiness. “How long was I out of it?”

“Almost the whole night,” Flora says with a frown. “I was so worried. You were exhausted before, and you needed some sleep. Then… that happened.”

“I have a wild idea,” I say. “How about we take a shower, and then go back to sleep. Let’s not care how long we sleep for once”

“Can we do that?” she asks hopefully.

Instead of an answer, I sit up, tugging her with me out of the bed and scooping her up in my arms. Flora laughs and wraps her arms around my neck. A smirk curls her lips. “How about we tire ourselves out a little further, so that it’s worth it to sleep through the day?”

I don’t need her to repeat her invitation. The moment I feel the water of the shower coming down on us and washing the sweat off our bodies, I scoop her up again and press her against the wall of the shower. She is in the perfect position for me to bury my head between her breasts and suck at her nipples. Her fingers grip my wet hair, holding on to me while she moans my name. I am still reeling so much from receiving my full alpha powers and feeling my new position in this pack, that I am almost high on all the sensations.

It's all becoming a blur, but eventually, Flora and I drop into our bed, completely exhausted. My back has barely met the mattress when I find myself drifting into a deep sleep. The best sleep I’ve had in a long while.

We wake up hours later when the sun is already high in the sky. The air is warm, indicating that summer is swiftly approaching. Flora decides to spend the afternoon helping Emilia with the preparations for the Alpha and Luna Ceremony.

Meanwhile, I meet with Samuel.

By now, the whole pack knows about the involvement of my father in Flora’s abduction. To them, it’s a disgrace to say the least. Before that he was already disliked, but now he has lost all respect and credibility.

For me, the contrary happens, my show of power has earned me even more respect. I am a young alpha, and not all of the pack members were initially on board with me taking over so soon, although they knew there was no other option. But now, it feels like I have proven myself to them. I can clearly feel it through my alpha bond to the pack.

There is still so much chaos to sort through, so many documents and organizational issues, but I am slowly getting a feel for it. Vincent and Calvin have been a great help, so has Flora, who has started taking over her own tasks.

“He is going to leave tomorrow,” Samuel says when we wrap up our final meeting before the ceremony. “Your father, I mean. We will have him escorted to the Council before your inauguration ceremony. Geneva and I think it’s better if he is away.”

“Oh,” I say, not sure what kind of answer Samuel expects from me. “Good.”

Samuel wavers obviously before he lets out a sigh. “Do you want to see him?”

“Not really,” I admit.

“That’s alright,” he informs me. “I just wanted you to have the option. So, you could decide for yourself.”

I consider his words before I nod. “Thank you,” I say.

“You’ve grown up a lot,” he says. “Probably a lot faster than you should have. But I believe you will become a formidable alpha.”

“I will try to give it my all,” I promise.

After the meeting, his words still linger with me. I am not sure what I want to do, I just know that I don’t want to have any regrets. As if on autopilot, I find myself walking to the infirmary. The warriors in front of my father’s room greet me respectfully, before one of them opens the door for me. I step inside, my eyes instantly catching my father’s frame. He is lying in his hospital bed, still looking pale and tired.

I let my gaze wander down his arms, noticing the scars I left there. It’s a reminder for future training with my warrior to be particularly cautious. Maybe Regis and I will even have control over it to a point. We were angry, but maybe I can control it by controlling my emotions.

Dad looks at me for a moment. “You look like her,” he says shortly.

“I know,” I say.

“You have always been more like her,” he adds. “Everything about you. The way you look, but also you. You were always too kind.”

“That’s not the insult you think it is,” I point out. “Why did you marry her?” I ask.

“What?” He looks at me in surprise.

“Why did you choose to take her as your mate, when you never wanted her or the pack?”

“I liked the idea back then,” he says.

“And the power,” I add. “The reputation. But not the work and responsibility.” I pause. “Do you have anything to say to me?”

Again, he looks at me and for a moment, I can see a hint of vulnerability in his eyes, but he just turns his head away.

“Yeah,” I say quietly. “Me neither.”

There is the old familiar sting to my chest, at having verification of what I mean to him, again.

It’s sad.

But I am okay.

Deep inside, I have always known that he never loved me. I knew he didn’t want me, or my mother. He just needed an heir, and unlike my half-brother in Paris, I am a legitimate heir to him, especially by having royal blood and the support of the Council. I was just a tool. On an emotional level it all didn’t matter for him. For a while, I hoped he would have a minimum amount of respect in him. Just a bit. A tiny part that didn’t look down on me. A tiny part that might love me.

Maybe there indeed is a tiny part in him that regrets what has happened judging by the guilty expression on his face. But it’s only a short moment and soon his face is hard and devoid of emotions again.

I have stopped trying to tell myself that it doesn’t matter to me, because I know it does. It hurts that my father doesn’t love or care for me, and it makes me angry. I want some sort of closure I will never get, and justice for my mother, which she will never receive because she passed away so long ago. She won’t be able to start anew like Emilia or my father’s fated mate. All of my mother’s chances, her whole future, were ripped from her. I thought winning over my father would feel like I also brought justice to my mom, but I don’t feel like I did. All I can do is honor her by becoming a much better alpha, mate and father.

I have stopped battling my doubts, fears, and feelings.

Maybe that's the first step to finally making peace with my past.