Chapter Fifteen

I should never have kissed her.

The regret was almost entirely overpowering and Arthur let out a sigh of frustration, dropping his head and rubbing one hand over his eyes. Last night, he had been too much in his cups to let his senses take over fully and, therefore, had made the most ridiculous mistake. Despite the fact he had been rather merry, he still remembered everything that had been shared between them, every word he had said and every response she had given. He recalled the tenderness of her touch, the softness of her hand in his and the way she had smiled up into his eyes. He remembered how he had felt when he had kissed her, the sweetness of her lips pressed against his and how he had been so overcome with emotion, with desire and singular happiness, he had wanted to do nothing more than to crush her to himself.

Foolishness.

"You do not look to be in particularly good spirits this morning."

Looking up, Arthur grimaced at the seemingly ever-joyful expression upon Captain Harrington's face. "Good morning, Harrington. Alas, I fear that I cannot always be as cheerful as you, despite my very best intentions."

"Ah but that is because I have much to be cheerful about, much as you do." Captain Harrington arched an eyebrow. "Or is it that you are entirely displeased with all I have said to you of late and you now have decided you and I shall no longer be friends?"

This brought a faint glimmer of a smile to Arthur's face, despite his own frustrations. "No, I think we are just as good friends as we ever were."

"That is because you have decided that I am correct in everything I said to you."

Arthur snorted and rolled his eyes.

"You see, you will not deny me!" Captain Harrington chuckled and walked back to the door, holding it open. "Will you come to breakfast? Or will we stand here and argue a little longer over the fact that everything I told you about your future and your bride was entirely correct and you only wish you had followed my advice more quickly than this?"

Again, Arthur smiled and though his friend opened the door wider, he shook his head. "I – I do not think I will join you all for breakfast."

This had Captain Harrington shutting the door tightly rather than removing himself from it. "And why not?"

"It is for no particular reason!" Arthur exclaimed, turning away entirely so he might look out of the window for fear that what he had done would be written all over his face for his friend to see. "I am simply desirous of my own company."

"I do not believe that for a moment." Captain Harrington walked across the room to join Arthur, despite his statement that he sought his own company. "What is this about? Is it to do with Miss Townsend?"

Something must have flickered in Arthur's eyes or his lip must have curled in one particular way for Captain Harrington immediately gasped and grabbed Arthur's arm, shaking him slightly. "Please tell me you did not injure her with harsh words!"

"I did no such thing." Irritated, Arthur jerked his arm out of Captain Harrington's grip. "I spoke honestly, as you suggested. I asked her what she thought of me."

Captain Harrington waited, eyebrows lifted.

"She said she was most upset at Lady Clara's words and certainly did not think of me in the same way," Arthur continued, his gaze returning to the view from the window. "She was rather upset, I think."

"You think?"

Seeing that he was not about to escape Captain Harrington's questions, Arthur let out a groan of frustration and dropped his head to one hand. "Please, Harrington, desist with the questions."

"Tell me what happened," his friend insisted. "You will feel better for it."

Sighing, Arthur lifted his head. "I had imbibed a little too much brandy. I spoke too freely. I… I acted without thought."

Captain Harrington frowned. "You upset her in some way."

"I did."

"If you did not speak harshly to her, then what… ?" Captain Harrington trailed off, his eyes suddenly widening. "You embraced her?"

Arthur groaned aloud, his eyes closing. "I did worse. I kissed her!"

When he opened his eyes – and much to his frustration – Captain Harrington was grinning so broadly, his eyes were dancing.

"You do not think this as foolish an endeavour as I do, I see." Arthur shook his head. "That does not surprise me."

Captain Harrington laughed aloud. "That is because it is the most wonderful thing! You finally acknowledged that you have some affection for the lady."

"You do not understand the severity of this! I cannot permit myself to feel anything! It is much too foolish. I asked Miss Townsend what she thought of me, what her true opinion was and even though she gave it, I found myself struggling to believe it."

"That is not her fault."

Arthur winced. "No, it is not but all the same, it would be wise of me to refrain, to pull back and to keep myself at a distance from her. After all, I am not her choice, I am not the gentleman she would have sought out had she had every chance to choose her husband for herself. I cannot pretend that I am deserving of such a creature, even if I could bring myself to trust her words."

Captain Harrington's smile twisted into a dark, heavy frown. "You are a foolish man, Crestwood."

Rather surprised, Arthur looked across at his friend. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that you are a fool," came the reply. "Here is a young lady who seeks to know you better, to grow in intimacy with you and your only response is to draw even further back? You tell yourself you cannot trust her words all because another lady broke your heart and in doing so, you punish both yourself and Miss Townsend – and that is hardly fair!" With a grunt of frustration, Captain Harrington turned on his heel and stomped across the room, back towards the door. "And you say that you do not deserve her – then in that regard, I might agree with you! You are so determined to keep her back from you that you do not deserve the happiness that might be yours! The happiness you might share with her! Do you know how many gentlemen and how many ladies would wish for such a joy as you have been offered at this moment? Do you understand how much of a fool you are for hauling yourself as far from it as you can? I do not think you do, my friend, else you would be hurrying to Miss Townsend's side and apologising for whatever you did last evening that upset her. Now do gain some courage and come to breakfast. Look Miss Townsend in the eye and consider what happiness you can bring to her future rather than thinking only of yourself."

With that, he walked from the room and slammed the door shut behind him.

Arthur could barely breathe. His friend had never once spoken to him in such a way and the shock of it reverberated right through him. It stole the air from his lungs, sent heat writhing through his veins and try as he might, he could not help but feel a hot, heavy wave of shame begin to pour down over him. Was this what he had needed to hear? His mother, sister and the Captain had always been sympathetic in their support of him, though in the last few months, there had come a little more sternness from his mother, though Isabella remained as sweet as ever. Now Captain Harrington was sending sharp daggers in his direction… but was it something he deserved? Had he become so lost in himself that it was much too easy for him to not even think of what Miss Townsend might require or even desire from him?

Turning back, he looked out of the window again, only to see none other than the very young lady he had been thinking of walking through the grounds. Was she returning from an early morning walk? Or was she thinking about stepping out before breakfast?

"I should not hide myself from her," he muttered aloud, absently rubbing at one side of his face as he considered joining her. His fingers touched at his scars and he frowned, worry rising up within him.

And then he recalled how she had settled her hand against his cheek. How she had smiled at him as her fingers had felt the very same scars he now traced. Miss Townsend had not jerked back. She had not yanked her hand away and then stared at him, horrified. Instead, she had simply smiled – and he had caught her palm with a kiss before she pulled it away. In that moment, he had felt himself soften towards her, felt his heart yearn for something more, something profound and thereafter, had let that desire grow so strong, he had been able to do nothing other than kiss her.

I cannot hide from that now, he told himself silently, making his way across the room even though his heart beat furiously. I must face it. I must speak with her. Wincing inwardly, he recalled how he had stepped away from her, how he had pulled away so quickly when his heart had cried out for the sheer joy he was experiencing in that one, soft kiss. It had been a feeling most unexpected and something he was entirely unused to – and it had terrified him. Pulling back, pulling away had been the only thing he had been able to do, whilst calling himself a fool at the very same time. Making his way to the front door of the house, Arthur found himself wondering if that had been Miss Townsend's very first experience of a kiss… and if it was, then what a dreadful experience it must have been for her! To have her so enveloped, so tight in his arms only to be released, to be almost thrown backwards as he called himself a fool repeatedly must have torn her with both confusion and upset – and then he had quit the room afterwards! He had walked out without saying another word to her.

Arthur's shame grew with every step he took and he lowered his head, feeling the heavy weight of Captain Harrington's words on his shoulders. He had only been thinking of himself but to admit that, to find a new way to consider things meant considering everything differently, and Arthur was not quite sure how to begin.

"Lord Crestwood, good morning."

Lifting his head, Arthur swallowed hard as Miss Townsend walked towards him. The morning sun danced across her brown hair, sending flickers of gold and copper into every strand and her green eyes were more vivid than he had ever seen them. There was faint color in her cheeks though Arthur did not know whether that came from the morning air or from being in his company .

"Good morning, Miss Townsend. I saw you out walking and thought to join you."

Her eyebrows lifted. "You did?"

"I – I think we must discuss last evening."

Her color heightened. "What is it that you wish to discuss, Lord Crestwood? We shared a kiss. I do not think there is anything too profound in that."

The tension in his throat clawed at him. "I would agree with you. However, I – "

"I am surprised at your agreement, given that you tore yourself from me, told me that you were foolish to have kissed me – me, who is to be your bride – and then walked from the room without so much as another glance in my direction." Her chin quivered and Arthur's heart tore at the sight of gentle tears in her eyes. "I do not understand what took place within you, Crestwood. I am aware that you were a little… overcome with brandy but you were still in your senses. You understood what I was saying and I understood you. For the first time, I felt as though our connection was growing, strengthening. But then you broke it apart, shattering it completely when you discarded me."

"I understand that you are pained by my actions. I do not quite know how to explain myself but I should like to tell you that I am sorry." Arthur inclined his head but did not reach out to take her hand, though his heart urged him to do so. "I should not have kissed you."

"No, you should have done!" Her loud exclamation surprised him though sparkling tears fell from her eyes to her cheeks. "We are to be wed, Crestwood! I am to be your wife and I am to bear your children, should we be blessed with any. How can you tell me that you ought not to have kissed me? Do you not understand the suffering that comes with your disregard of me? Can you not see the pain and tears at my very soul when you call yourself a fool for kissing me?"

Arthur closed his eyes and reaching out, waited for her to take his hands. There came nothing but silence for some minutes and he did not yet open his eyes, finding the tears on her cheeks and the sadness in her eyes almost too much to bear. When, finally, her fingers touched his, he let out a ragged breath of relief, and finally looked at her again.

"I have not only had Captain Harrington rail at me but now I have you also," he said, with something of a wry smile. "But I deserve it, Abigail. I know that I do." Letting out another breath, he shook his head, relieved that her tears had stopped. "There is so much confusion within my heart and mind, so much doubt and uncertainty and none of it ought to be placed upon your shoulders. I told myself that our engagement ought to be just as a business transaction for I did not expect – and did not want – to be drawn to you. I have been fighting it. When you spoke up for me at the ball, when you broke down Lady Templeton's intentions of joining us at the house party, my admiration was unable to be withheld. Our dance brought feelings to the fore that I wanted to remove from myself at once, for fear that my heart would be injured again."

"Because of Lady Clara."

Arthur nodded. "I have much to learn, Abigail. I am sorry that I injured your heart. I am sorry that I called myself a fool and removed myself from you so abruptly." With a deep breath, he squeezed her fingers. "Might you give me time to find my way? This is not something I think I can step back from any longer. I cannot continue to build this wall up between us but I need time to understand how to take it down, piece by piece." Searching her face, he let hope begin to build in his heart as her expression softened, a small smile at her lips. "Could you give me that, Abigail?"

"Of course I can." The pressure on his hands was returned as yet another tear fell to her cheek, though she brushed it away quickly enough. "I am sure that –"

The sound of a rumbling carriage had them both turning as one, though Arthur found himself more than a little irritated at the interruption. Confused as to who would have taken the carriage out so early in the morning, he led Miss Townsend away the path so they would not be knocked over by the carriage.

"Who is it?" she asked, as the carriage passed them and then came to a slow stop at the steps to the front door. "Were you expecting more guests?"

"No, not as yet. The ball is not until this evening and – "

"Oh, Lord Crestwood, how glad I am to see you!"

The loud voice of Lady Templeton ran out towards them both and Arthur frowned immediately, offering his arm to Miss Townsend so she might take it before they moved forward together. "The ball is not until this evening, Lady Templeton. Might you have mistaken the time?"

The lady laughed, just as Lady Clara stepped out of the carriage, coming to stand next to her mother though she did not look at him. Instead, she kept her head lowered, her gaze fixing to the ground though Lady Templeton beamed at him as though she had every right to have appeared at the house early.

"We were due to stay at a nearby inn but they did not have space to keep our horses for the rest of the day," Lady Templeton said as Arthur exchanged a glance with Miss Townsend, seeing the sharp glint in her eye and understanding it to be doubt – doubt that Lady Templeton was telling even a word of truth. "My daughter was resigned for us returning to London but I assured her that you would have no difficulty in our presence for the few short hours until the ball." Lady Templeton smiled warmly but Arthur did not return it. It would be more than a few ‘short hours' until the ball which Lady Templeton clearly knew, but she had come here deliberately. Surely this could not be another ploy to push Lady Clara back into his life? He had already made things quite clear in that regard and it was foolish of Lady Templeton to be attempting to change what was already firmly fixed.

"I am truly sorry, Lord Crestwood, Miss Townsend." Lady Clara barely lifted her gaze enough for Arthur to catch her eye though he was pleased that she acknowledged Miss Townsend's presence. Her mother had not done so. "I did try to think of an alternative but – "

"Alas, there was none," Lady Templeton interrupted, with a broad smile and waving one hand about so as to dismiss her daughter's words. "And so, here we are, hoping that you will have kindness enough to welcome us in."

What was there for him to do? Arthur glanced to Miss Townsend who gave him nothing but a small, wry smile and with a sigh, Arthur held out one hand to the door. "I will have a footman sent to bring anything you may wish to take inside."

"Well, we shall need a room, will we not?" Lady Templeton laughed aloud as though Arthur was being foolish in some way by forgetting to offer them a room. "We have gowns for this evening and will require a space to prepare."

Miss Townsend's fingers tightened on his arm and Arthur bit back the sharp retort which had come firing to his lips. Instead, he took in a deep breath and nodded. "Of course. I will have that prepared at once."

Without another word, he made his way directly to the door of the house, taking Miss Townsend with him and thereafter, speaking quickly to one of the footmen.

"I am terribly sorry," he murmured, as the footman was dispatched to help the ladies with their things. "I did not think for a moment that she would be as bold as this."

"There is nothing for you to apologise for," Miss Townsend replied, quietly. "It is not as though you arranged for this to take place."

He managed a small smile. "Certainly, I did not! Had it been my choice, I would have refused them entry to the house!"

This made Miss Townsend laugh and despite his frustration, Arthur could not help but smile. This was what Miss Townsend brought about him, what she offered him – a lightness, a happiness and a delight which he could not garner from anyone else. Not even the presence of Lady Templeton and Lady Clara seemed to dampen it and, as he walked with her, back towards the dining room, Arthur's smile grew all the more, settling into his features as he looked down into Miss Townsend's eyes .

He had meant every word he said to her, had spoken with true sincerity and her response, her willingness to wait for him, to give him the time he required was more than Arthur felt as though he deserved. He would do everything in his power to make his character one of openness, of gentleness and of kindness rather than clinging to the darkness and shadow he had known for so long. What Miss Townsend offered him was both terrifying and wonderful in equal measure and he was determined to cling to it, to draw near to and no one, not even Lady Templeton or Lady Clara, would prevent him from doing so.