28. Declan

Chapter twenty-eight

Declan

" G ood morning?" Kels? raised one brow and watched me as I practically skipped into the kitchen.

I reached around her, wrapping her in a hug, and planted a kiss on her cheek.

"It is a good morning, isn't it?"

órla looked up from where she'd been preening on the counter near my mother. "He's creeping me out. Make it stop. Where is the sullen, skulking Declan I know and love?"

"I don't skulk," I said, flashing her a grin, and I took my seat at the table.

"She has a point," Kels? said. "You are, how should I say it, extra happy this morning. Care to share why?"

I'd spent the entire morning thinking about Ayden, replaying the dream I'd planted in his head and all the things he had done to me—the things we'd done together. It was strange that our first time cementing our bond would be through a magical channel where he was asleep and I was focused on a sparkling blue mist. Still, that it happened at all made my heart soar.

Thinking about Ayden made everything soar.

"You dreamed about him, didn't you?" órla asked. "Was it one of those dreams where you twist and turn all night, tangling your feet in your blanket, until everything gets all sticky?"

"órla!" Kels? chided, her face turning a deep crimson.

"It happens more often that you would think. I've often wondered if Declan had sprung a leak or something."

"That's quite enough," Kels? said, blinking her eyes as though willing a mental image out of her mind. "Son, is there anything you would like to tell me? Anyone we should discuss?"

My grin broadened. "You already know about Ayden. I told you about him a while ago."

"Yes, you did, but this is the first time you have positively beamed since we reunited. I believe there is more you are not telling us."

A wave of teenage giddiness wafted through me .

"Mother, you would love him. He's so handsome. His hair is the color of the sun just before it vanishes over the sea, and his eyes are bluer than the water beneath."

"Oh, Spirits, I think I might be sick." órla mimicked bending over and retching.

"Tease all you like. Nothing will ruin my mood today," I proclaimed. "On top of everything, I'm here with you two. We're actually together."

órla fluttered over to land near me.

My gaze lifted to Kels?, and my smile broadened. I reached over and scratched órla's feathery head, then took my mother's hand.

"I have a mother ," I whispered with wonder in my voice. "I have a beautiful, strong, amazing mother who loves me, who taught me, who thinks I'm something special."

"Declan?" She placed her other hand on top of mine.

"Let me get this out. It's important." I looked down to gather myself, then back into her eyes. "I was so lost, and I didn't even know it. I mean, I knew deep down but couldn't admit it. So, I ran from Atikus, and Keelan, and everybody who ever cared about me. When I joined the Rangers, I kept running, grabbing any assignment that kept me far away from people. I hid in the woods, wandering day and night, never going anywhere. I thought I was numb to it all, but the pain was unbearable."

I paused, struggling with how much to say .

"I'd been in the mountains for months. I don't remember what happened, but something reminded me of Keelan and our life in the guild. Memories flooded back, so many memories I'd thought locked away, one after another. I couldn't make them stop. Keelan was in every one of them, watching . . . judging . He was everything I dreamed of becoming but knew I could never be. In those memories, he stared down and shook his head at his useless, lost brother."

Pain welled as I recalled dark days.

"I just wanted it all to stop. The pain, the glares, the feeling of being unworthy of . . . anything. I wanted to never feel again, because feeling meant pain."

I blinked away tears swelling in my eyes.

"A pair of other Rangers came to relieve me later that day. They found me in a pool of my own blood in the station, a knife on the wooden floor beside me."

Kels? gasped, then scooted her chair around so she could be closer.

"One of the men had some basic Healing skills and sealed my wrists. He even managed to erase the scars. Still, it took weeks for my body to recover its strength. I remember staring up at the ceiling in the infirmary wondering why the Spirits wouldn't just let me go, let me have peace. I was so lost."

I closed my eyes and let memories flow through me .

"They sent me back out, I think, because they didn't know what else to do with me. I wanted to go. I wanted to be alone, to run away again. The trees . . . didn't stare."

Kels? squeezed my hands.

"After a fortnight, I was relieved and returned to Grove's Pass. I was assigned a troop of cadets. It was supposed to be some form of recognition, but I was too blinded by my pain to see clearly. I was so angry, so resentful. The last thing I wanted to do was mother a bunch of baby chicks. But . . . I think having others to care for, to shape and mold, gave me a purpose, something I hadn't even known I lacked or needed."

I released Kels?'s hands and grabbed my glass, desperate to soothe my suddenly parched throat.

"That is when you met Ayden?" she asked.

I nodded, taking another reassuring sip. The warmth that flowed through me felt stronger than mere wine as I thought about my Ayden.

"I've never been in love, not before him." My smile returned, even brighter than before. "He is such a good man. He's kind and funny . . . and he's so patient."

"He has to be to put up with you," órla chirped.

Kels? opened her mouth, probably to reprimand her, but I reached down and stroked her feathers. "You're right, especially back then. If he'd been a less patient man, he would have run long before we could have even known each other."

"He sounds wonderful," Kels? said.

I nodded, and my eyes brightened with another memory.

"Then Keelan showed up. He actually showed up. I couldn't believe it was him when he walked through the door, but there's no mistaking his mountainous frame. Never in a million years would I have seen that coming. It felt so good to see him and Atikus, that crazy old man. In that first moment, when I looked into Kee's eyes, I realized how much I'd missed them and hadn't even known it.

"But I was such an idiot. They tried to talk to me. They saw through my mask and didn't buy the smiles I offered. They wanted to help, but I was too wrapped up in my own . . . whatever . . . to show them anything but contempt and bitterness. At that point, I hadn't realized what Ayden meant to me. Maybe I had, but I hadn't accepted it. I'm not sure.

"I don't know what came over me, but I said awful things to them, even to Atikus. He has never been anything but kind and caring, and I treated him like my enemy. And then they were gone. I watched them walk away, disappear into the woods. I've dreamed that moment a hundred times, desperate that it wouldn't be my last with them."

I stared at the table, unable to meet her eyes.

My tears fell freely .

"Then my path led me to órla—and here, to you." I smiled at the little owl, then my mother. "I don't know why I'm telling you all this, but I think . . . I just need to."

"Son, go on. I want to hear." Her voice was soft as she took my hands once more.

"Being with you, it's changed me. I can feel it deep inside, and I'm not talking about the magic. I mean, you changed me. I see how you look at me, and I've tried to challenge your stare, make it something other than what it is, but I finally understand that nothing will ever change what I see in your eyes."

"What do you see?" she whispered.

"The purest, most boundless love. I never knew a love like yours could exist, much less come my way."

She raised my hands and pressed them to her quivering lips. "I love you more than anything, Declan. Please know that."

I nodded, then pressed on.

"It's more than that, more than just love. I could see it before, but it took me a long time to understand it."

"What?"

"Pride . . . and confidence, I guess. I've never had either of those things for myself. I put on an act and pretended, but inside I was always afraid, always doubting. But you've always been proud . . . of me . Before you even knew me, when I first got here, those feelings . . . Sometimes I still can't believe it's real. It's overwhelming.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you . . . for believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself, for lifting me up and never judging . . . and for loving me so fully and unconditionally. Thank you. " My voice broke on the last words.

Kels? did the only thing a mother could do in such a moment.

She stood and wrapped her son in her arms, and we wept until neither of us had any tears left to shed.

I clung to her, a desperate man gripping the edges of a life raft amid a raging sea—but in that moment, I knew I wasn't desperate, or lost, not anymore.

Then I heard the strangest sound.

Coughing?

Tiny, squeaky . . . coughing?

"Uh . . . hello? Can a sister owl get some hugging, too? I mean, what does a mystical, magical being have to do to get some lovin' in this place?"

And just like that, laughter replaced tears.