10. Tovan

10

TOVAN

I t’s the third sol since I made camp just outside Donna’s homestead. Rising, I blink at the first rays of light signaling dawn.

Sitting up, I stretch out muscles stiff from sleeping on the hard ground. As I do, I become aware of a persistent ache in my chest. It’s not physical, not entirely. It’s more like a longing. A pull towards the lodge across the pasture, towards Donna.

Is this what it means to be separated from your kahl ? This constant awareness, this unrelenting need to be near them? If so, staying away from Donna is going to be even harder than I thought. When my core-rhythm sings, it will be near impossible.

I must be prepared for when that happens. I’ve already notified Arnak. If I don’t check in with him each sol, he is to come out here to find me. Just in case. The last thing I want to do is go mad with need and hurt the one creature that’s been slowly folding my existence around them.

And Donna has no clue about this. I’m not sure just how much she knows or how much the other Kari have told her about the rut. She is already so wary of me, she will for sure reject the bond once my core-rhythm sings.

It’s almost too much to face.

Pushing to my feet, I crawl from the structure, my focus going immediately to the lodge. All is quiet. Donna is still resting. All through the dark cycle, the faint glow of her light pierced through the darkness and I wondered what she might have been doing. This sol, I promised myself I’d find those zimi berries she seems to like so much. I know I saw an untouched bush nearby.

As I set off to find zimi berries in the surrounding area, I feel a glimmer of hope for the first time since my disastrous confession. She hasn’t said a word to me. But she hasn’t turned me away either. It won’t be easy, but I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge. And Donna…she’s worth any hardship.

The constant glaring in my direction has softened, replaced by curious glances when she looks toward my camp. Her shoulders aren’t as tense when she’s working in the fields, and once, I could have sworn I saw the ghost of a smile tugging at her lips as she discovered the freshly cut grass-feed I left for her animals.

It’s not much, but it’s progress. Slow and steady, like the coming of dawn after a long dark cycle.

I pause to pluck a handful of ripe zimi berries from a nearby bush, their sweet scent reminding me of Donna’s natural fragrance. Everything about this planet seems to echo her presence, from the rich soil beneath my feet to the vibrant sky above.

I have to hurry and I do so now. Gathering the berries and returning to the homestead. Climbing over the perimeter fence, I leave my offering by her door and hope for the best.

It’s a delicate balance, this. One I’m still learning to navigate. But with each passing sol, I feel more attuned to Donna’s rhythms, to the ebb and flow of her moods and needs.

Last sol, I noticed her struggling with a particularly stubborn patch of weeds near the outbuilding. It took every ounce of self- control not to rush in and help. Instead, I waited until she retired for the dark cycle, then spent half my sleeping time carefully clearing the area and preparing it for new plantings.

It’s the least I can do until she decides to let me in. Till we can at least talk about this. She’s my kahl , after all. My true mate. And even if she doesn’t know it yet, even if she never accepts it, she will always be mine.

I glance at her door before I force myself away and back to my camp. Is she still asleep? Or has she awakened, perhaps scrubbing herself in a warm bath before she faces the dawn.

The image of Donna washing sends an unexpected wave of heat through my body, and I shake my head to clear it. I head back to my camp before I do something stupid like linger too long and she finds me here outside her lodge. The last thing I want to do is erase my progress.

Hors pass and nothing. Sitting in my shelter, even my scales itch with the need to move about. To do something . But I must wait. Donna will come out soon.

More hors pass, and there’s no sign of her.

As the star begins to rise more fully, I begin to worry. Is she alright? Did something happen to her? The urge to go to the lodge, to seek her out and make sure she’s okay, is almost overwhelming.

But just as I’m about to give in to that urge, I see her. She’s exiting her lodge and is now walking across the field, carrying what looks like a pail of scraps. She looks…tired. Her gaze is downcast. Those fiery eyes that would at least acknowledge my presence don’t even glance my way now and her shoulders are slumped as if carrying a heavy burden.

My core-beat grows sluggish at the sight. Did I do this to her? Is her exhaustion a result of my presence here?

She dumps the scraps for the oogas then turns around.

Only then does she glance my way. “Morning, Tovan. Thanks for the berries.”

My core-beat stops.

Did she…did she just speak to me?

It’s the first direct interaction we’ve had since my confession and I think I might have imagined it. It’s so unexpected that I don’t respond, not realizing I’m standing there like a fool, just staring at her after she spoke to me !

But as I watch her retreating form, something nags at the back of my mind. There was something…off about her this sol.

I take a step forward, then stop myself. I want nothing more than to follow her, to make sure she’s alright, but I know I can’t push too hard. She’s only just acknowledged my presence again and humans, I’m realizing, are gentle things. One wrong move and it’s really over for me.

So I stay where I am, watching as she reaches her lodge and disappears inside. The door closes behind her with a soft thud, and silence descends once more over the homestead.

Silence that suddenly feels oppressive.

I try to busy myself—tending to my small camp, preparing a meal for myself—but my attention keeps drifting back to Donna’s lodge. Something isn’t right. I can feel it in my bones, in the very core of my being.

When another hor passes and there’s still no sign of her, no sound of movement from inside, no glimpse of her through the windows, my scales begin to prickle. It’s unlike her to stay indoors for so long, especially on a sol as fine as this. The grass-feed needs tending, the animals need care. Donna is nothing if not diligent about her responsibilities.

Just as I’m convincing myself that I’m overreacting, that she’s probably just catching up on some much-needed rest, I hear it. A crash from inside the lodge, followed by a pained groan.

My core-beat seizes. Donna.

I don’t hesitate. I drop everything and I’m sprinting across the field, my core-beat turning wild in my chest. All thoughts of respecting boundaries fly out of my head as I bound onto her porch.

“Donna?” I pound on the door. “Are you alright?” There’s no response, just another muffled groan. I try the handle—it’s unlocked. A blessing, because I would have punched my way through the thing otherwise. Taking a deep breath, I push the door open and step inside.

The sight that greets me sends a chill through my body. Donna is on the floor, half-slumped against a toppled seat. Her face is pained, her breathing labored. A sheen of sweat covers her forehead, and her eyes are unfocused.

Oh Gods, no.

I’m at her side in an instant, kneeling beside her, pulling her into my arms. “Donna?” I’ve seen a lot of things. Things that would strike fear into any normal citizen, and none of those things made me shake the way I’m shaking now as I run a claw down my kahl’s jaw. “Can you hear me, lira’an? What happened?”

Donna blinks slowly, her gaze finally focusing on my face. “Tovan?” Her voice is weak, confused. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“I know.” I’m not going to argue about that. She’s right. I shouldn’t be here. She told me explicitly to leave several sols ago. “I heard a sound. You’re not well.” I swallow hard, my claw moving over her jaw again. She’s clammy to the touch. “We need to get you to your sleeping cushion. Where is it?”

I lift my head, briefly scanning the room. It’s a small lodge. Homely. If my core-beat wasn’t stop-starting in my chest, I would have spent more time appreciating the way she’s decorated the interior. There’s a sweet scent in the room though, one that’s not my mate in my arms, and I look up to see a table laden with what looks like several different…I don’t know what they are, but they look like food.

She tries to push herself up, but her arms tremble with the effort. She’s weak. “You’re not taking me to my bedroom.”

I could grunt a laugh, but it won’t come. Even in this situation, she’s indignant. She doesn’t want me here. It should hurt, will probably hurt later when I return to my camp and have time to think about it, but right now, looking down at my mate in pain and not knowing why, has erased everything else from my mind.

Without further hesitation, I scoop her up into my arms. The fullness of her body against mine pushes the heat of her body even through my scales. For a moment, she tenses in my grip, and I fear she’ll push me away. But almost as if her body’s needed this for a while, a sigh causes her to relax, her head resting against my chest.

I head to the room I assume holds her sleeping cushion. It’s not. It’s the washroom. That only leaves one other door in this small lodge, and I head there instead. It’s a small sleeping cushion. If I shared it with her, it would force her to press against me each dark cycle with nowhere else to go. I push the thought away as I lay her down, but as I start to pull away, Donna grabs my wrist. Electricity sparks at the spot, spreading through my entire being.

“Why are you here?” she whispers. “I told you to leave.”

“I know.” My voice is soft, much softer than it ever has been. “And I will, as soon as I know you’re alright. But right now, you need help. Please, let me help you.”

She looks at me for a long moment, those eyes, despite the weakness in them, studying me. “You smell like dirt.”

I blink at her. The unexpected utterance has me speechless. Again, on another occasion, I would laugh. I can’t now.

“You don’t have to stay,” she continues. “It’s just low blood sugar. I forgot to eat. Been too busy trying to figure out how to make the damn bluebread perfect.” She takes a moment to rub her eyes as her mouth opens in a yawn. “It’s nothing serious.”

“You didn’t eat?” While I’ve been snacking on meal squares, my mate was going hungry?

She shakes her head, trying to rise. “No.”

A growl rumbles in my throat before I can stop it. “Stay here. I’ll make you something to eat.”

Turning, I head out the door, my mind a whirlwind of thoughts. But before I can leave, Donna’s voice reaches me. “Tovan, you’re not supposed to be here.”

I stop, looking at her over my shoulder. “I know.”

There’s a flash of something in her eyes but it isn’t anger. It’s something else. Before she can force me away again, I head out of the room to the meal preparation area.

My kahl needs food, and I will provide it. The fact that I’ve only ever prepared meals for myself, and rarely, is a minor detail I choose to ignore.

Surveying the room, I take in the various utensils and appliances. I have similar ones in my nestkan but have never had to use them. Meal squares are easy to buy and fulfill basic nutrition. It’s what most Kari like me live on. I could go out to my camp, grab a few, but Donna needs a proper meal. So, I push aside my uncertainty and focus on the task at hand.

First, I need something to prepare the meal in. My eyes land on a large cooking pot, and I grab it. Water seems like a good start, so I fill the pot and place it on the heating element. Now for ingredients.

I rummage through the storage units, pulling out anything that looks remotely edible. Dried root vegetables of various shapes and colors find their way into my arms, along with some dried herbs and a package of what I think might be grain.

Returning to the pot, I dump everything in. The water splashes over the sides, and I hastily wipe it away. Now what? Heat, of course. I fiddle with the controls until I hear a satisfying hum and see a faint glow beneath the pot.

As the concoction begins to bubble, I realize I should probably be stirring it. I grab a long-handled utensil and begin to mix, sending more water sloshing over the sides. Okay, slower, softer. The smell that rises from the pot is…interesting. Not necessarily bad, but certainly unique.

After what feels like an eternity, I decide the food must be ready. I ladle a generous portion into a bowl and grab a small curved utensil that will be perfect to scoop mouthfuls into my mate’s small mouth. Heading back to Donna’s room, I try not to spill the steaming mixture.

Sight of her sends my core-beat into disarray and my skin heats underneath my scales. She’s propped herself up on the sleeping cushion and she is…luscious.

I’m a horrible, disgusting male, because my mate is ill and I should be dead inside. Instead, my shaft is hardening in my trouse.

“Tovan?”

My throat goes dry. “I made you something to eat.”

Donna pushes herself up some more and those mounds on her chest bounce. Look away, Tovan.

“What…exactly is it?”

I pause, realizing I have no idea how to describe my creation. “It’s…a nutritious blend of various ingredients.”

She takes the bowl, her brows raised in what I hope is intrigue rather than disgust. Carefully, she uses the small utensil to bring some of the food to her lips. I hold my breath as she tastes it.

For a moment, there’s silence. Then she looks at me.

I don’t expect her soft smile. I truly expect her derision. But no, she’s smiling at me, and oh, does it set my lifeblood on fire. I have pleased her?

“This is…certainly something.”

I feel my scales flush even as I try not to stare at her too hard. “I can try again. If you can’t consume it, I’ll try again or head to town and purchase…” It’s the way she’s looking at me that makes me pause. She’s gone unreadable again and it brings back memories of that sol in the mud. But even if she becomes angry at me, I can’t back down, not this time. “You need to eat, Donna. We can’t have you starving.”

She grunts before gesturing to her body with one of her delicate arms. “Do I look like I’m starving to you?”

There’s a sudden tension in the air, her words carrying a sharp edge that catches me off guard. My eyes involuntarily trace the curves of her body, and even though I’m aware of how inappropriate it is, I can’t look away. Even though I know how frakking inappropriate it is, I can’t stop the hardness still growing in my trouse.

My pupils have narrowed to slits, a visible indicator sign of intent. Of a hunter zeroing in on its prey. And right now, Donna Johnson is the most alluring prey I’ve ever encountered.

“No.” My voice is too low. Much rougher than I intend. “You don’t look like you’re starving at all.”

She grunts again. “Where I come from, some would take offense to that, you know.”

Our eyes lock, and I feel a surge of heat coursing through my body. The air between us seems to crackle with an intensity that wasn’t there before.

“I mean no offense. You look…” How? How does she look? Beautiful? Perfect? Both true, but neither adequate. My eyes trace the generous curves of her body, drinking in every luscious detail. The soft swell of her hips, the fullness of those mounds on her chest, the enticing roundness of her belly—every part of her calls to something raw and deep within me.

Can I tell her that she is captivating? That her fullness speaks of abundance, of life? That it makes me want to worship every inch of her?

My claws itch to reach out and touch her, to explore the plush landscape of what is Donna. I imagine how she would feel beneath my claws—soft, warm, yielding. The thought sends a jolt of heat straight to my shaft. Spend leaks from my tip.

She is irresistible. Her body is a feast and I am starving for a taste.

I see the moment her breath holds. The moment a flicker of something passes through her eyes. It is what pulls me back from wherever I went, places me back in the present as Donna shifts slightly. The movement sends her sweet scent straight into my nostrils and I almost groan as another bead of spend forms at my tip.

Thank the gods my trouse does not reveal this.

“Tovan.” She looks up at me, her voice barely above a whisper. “What are you doing?” For a moment, I freeze. Does she know? Can she scent my arousal? But as she studies me, it’s clear she’s referring to more than just this moment. She’s referring to everything. From the zimi bush to this point.

And I have no solid answer. Only that I’m waiting for a core-rhythm that’s taking too long to sing.

“I’m not sure,” I admit, not bothering to disguise the huskiness in my tone. “But I know that when I look at you, every point in my existence begins to align.”

The tension between us is palpable, a living thing that seems to pulse in the small space separating our bodies. I can almost hear the rapid thrum of her core-beat, or maybe it’s mine. Everything else fades away—the room, the food, our past disagreements. All that exists is this moment, this heated, charged connection between us.

But Donna stiffens. “Tovan…”

“I know. I’m not supposed to be here.”

Donna stares at me. “Then why are you?”

My throat tightens and I ease back, putting some space between us because I don’t trust myself not to reach out and touch her. “I couldn’t leave.”

She takes the time to put some of the food into her mouth before her gaze slides to me again. “Are you some kind of creep or something?”

“Creep?” I tilt my head, unsure what she means. “I didn’t mean to creep by the border of your farm. I…was out of options. I want to give you space but…I couldn’t be far away.”

She hums tone in her throat. “Because I’m your kahl .”

My gaze shoots up and I feel like a fool for being so easy to read.

“I can’t be your kahl , okay. It’s evident you think so, because you’ve been sleeping in the field next door like a psychopath. But it’s about time we talk about this. I thought you were joking, trying to get under my skirt. Clearly, that’s not the case here.”

My throat tightens some more, making my words sound like gravel. “Why would I joke about such a thing?”

Donna shrugs, her gaze meeting mine before she looks down at the food and takes another mouthful. “You’re a man.”

Silence descends between us as I replay those words in my mind. A man? Does she mean a male? She didn’t believe me because I’m a male? It all makes sense now. Everything she said that day.

“Someone hurt you. Some male .”

Frakk, what is it with me when it comes to this female? It is like I no longer have control.

Donna grunts, huffing a dry laugh through her nose. “You could say so. I wouldn’t call them real men. Boys maybe. There’s a big difference.”

The growl that rumbles in my throat vibrates the air between us. Enough that Donna looks up, her eyes wide with shock.

“Who?”

She stares at me for a long moment, and that something flickers in her eyes again. “Why do you care? It doesn’t matter. It was in the past. Why do you even care about me?”

I take a deep breath, trying to calm the rage that’s building inside me at the thought of someone hurting this soft, beautiful female before me. My claws flex involuntarily, and I have to force myself to relax.

“Why do I care?” I repeat, my voice low and intense despite my efforts to soften it. “Because you’re my kahl . Whether or not you accept it, that’s what you are to me. And it’s not something I can change or control.”

I take a step closer, my eyes never leaving hers. “I care because every time I look at you, I feel like I’m seeing the stars for the first time. I care because your smile makes my core-beat go faster than any battle ever has. I care because the thought of you in pain makes me want to tear apart whoever caused it.”

Donna’s eyes widen even more, and I see a mix of emotions flashing across her face—surprise, confusion, and something else I can’t quite name.

“You don’t even know me,” she whispers, but there’s a tremor in her voice that wasn’t there before.

“Then let me.” I take a step closer. “Let me know you, Donna Johnson. Let me show you that I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here because…I…I can’t imagine being anywhere else.”

I’m close enough now that I can feel the heat radiating from her body.

“So that thing in the bush? The wound in your foot…all of this was just so you could get to this point?”

For a moment, her question confuses me, but then it all becomes clear.

“No. That injury was very real. You were singing and your voice…it’s strong, Donna, beautiful. Richer than any melody I’ve ever heard. It disrupted my scanner and I hid the moment I saw you. I didn’t mean to. It was foolish. And that’s when…” I sigh. “That’s when I got caught in the trap.”

I expect her to tell me it’s all a lie. It sounds like a tale I made up. But she doesn’t. She’s silent as she watches me. Assesses me.

“But you’re healed now,” she finally says, and I realize with a jolt that she’d still been worried about me, even though she’s been pretending not to be. Another dose of warmth goes through me.

“I’m healed now.”

“How is that possible?” Her throat moves but it’s the only movement she does. She’s utterly still, watching me, a predator assessing its prey. And just like that, the power dynamic shifts, the hunter becoming the hunted. A thrill goes through me.

“We Kari are blessed with a few things. Healing quickly is one of them.”

She’s looking at me as if she wants me to continue. She still isn’t moving and she hasn’t even blinked.

“It’s why the Tasqals hunted us down. Experimented on us.” I’m not sure how much she knows or how much I should even say. “We heal quickly, and their race was dying of a scourge. And our…” I trail off. Just how much should I tell her? What if saying all this will turn her away from me even more?

I have nothing to offer this female. No planet to return to. No kin to create a family unit. All I can offer her is myself.

But she is either more perceptive than I thought or she is one of the few that can read Kari emotions, because Donna sets the utensil down in the bowl as she watches me.

Her voice is soft when she speaks. “They hurt you too? Experimented on you?”

I look away. She’s struck a wound there without even knowing it. “No.” My admission is almost too quiet. “They didn’t experiment on me.”

“What experiments?”

I take in a deep breath, remembering scenes of males we’d rescued, the horrors they’d told. “Caged. Tied up. Forced to…forced to release spend. They, the Tasqals, had trouble bearing young. They believed that because we Kari are virile, they could synthesize whatever makes us so. It didn’t work. Many suffered.” Including the Korruk brothers that she knows so well. I’m sure they bear the scars.

“But you…”

Here it comes. I take in another breath, steeling myself. “I was a fighter pilot. I fought from the skies, not on the ground.” There’s a sudden rush of shame that goes through me, a sudden rush of unworthiness. My claws clench at my sides. “Many of my people bear the scars of what the Tasqals did to them. They endured unimaginable horrors, fought battles I can barely comprehend. And I…” My voice trails off, and I force myself to look back at Donna. Her eyes are soft, concerned, and it makes my core ache.

“I have no scars to show. No visible marks of what our people went through. I was up there, in the stars, while others suffered below. I tried to help, to fight back, to protect our people. But I know it wasn’t enough.”

I don’t know why the words pour out of me now, things I’ve never admitted to anyone, not even Arnak.

Donna blinks slowly, those eyes seeing deep into my soul. “It sounds to me like you did the best you could with what you had,” she says. Her voice is a gentle balm against the harshness of my self-recrimination. “And sometimes, honey, that’s all any of us can do.”

There it is again. That goodness that dwells within this female. The one that only confirms to me that I’ve found my home.

For a few moments, I watch as she moves, a heavy sigh making her shoulders rise and fall as she consumes a few more mouthfuls of the food I made.

“I know you’re afraid.” Gods, I can’t shut up. “I’m not asking for everything. I’m not asking for anything at all. I’m just asking for a chance. A chance to prove myself to you, to show you that this isn’t some grand scheme. You truly are my kahl .”

Donna pauses, looking down into the bowl before her.

“I’m fifty-one years old, Tovan Kamesh. I don’t have time for games.”

“I do not do this in jest.”

She looks up at me then. “And what if I can’t give you what you want, hmm?”

I reach out slowly, giving her time to pull away if she wants to. When she doesn’t, I gently cup her face in my claw, electricity shooting up my scales at the contact. “All I want is you, Donna. Just as you are. You say I know nothing about you, and you’re right. But I want to know. Your fears, your doubts, your past. I want all of it. Because it’s all part of what makes you my kahl .”

She shifts out of my grasp and it feels like the dawn loses its light. “Your core-rhythm has to awaken for you to have a kahl . I’ve seen it happen, Tovan, and you don’t look like you’re in heat to me.”

The utterance is like a barb. As if she’s deconstructing everything I’ve said and calling out a lie. Of course, she’s seen it happen. She knows the Korruk brothers. Knows their mates. They’re all allies.

Except, I haven’t lied. This is true.

“I know it hasn’t. That is my failure.”

Even now I search within me, hoping it will just spontaneously react. It doesn’t.

“You know, I could do that test New Horizons messaged about. And if you’re wrong…” She says it like it’s a challenge. As if mentioning the test will get me to back down.

“Then you will know I speak the truth.”

She stares at me for a long moment before taking another mouthful of the food.

“You can use my bathroom. You’ve got mud and twigs stuck in your hair and that camp you have out there might be some fancy alien thing I don’t understand but I know you sure as hell don’t have a shower out there. You’re welcome to use my bath if you want.”

I blink, momentarily caught off guard by her sudden shift in tone and the unexpected offer. The bath. Her bath. Is she talking about the washroom? The implications of her words sink in, and I feel a mix of excitement and nervousness coursing through me.

“I…thank you.”

Donna shrugs, but I catch a glimmer of something in her eyes. “It’s just a bath, Tovan. Don’t read too much into it.”

But we both know it’s more than that. It’s a tentative step towards…something. I’m not sure what, but I’m grateful for it all the same.

“I appreciate it,” I almost whisper, in disbelief of my luck and at the same time suddenly swelling with hope. “And the meal? Is it helping?”

She nods, taking another mouthful. “It’s actually not bad. Tastes like alien soul food.”

I have no idea what she means, but food for the soul has to be a good thing. “High praise indeed.”

There’s a moment of awkward silence, and I realize I’m still standing there, staring at her. “I’ll…I’ll go wash then.”

As I turn to go, Donna’s voice stops me. “Tovan?”

I look back at her. “Yes, lira’an?”

She meets my eyes, her expression unreadable once more. “When you’re done…maybe we can talk. Really talk. About all of this.”

I feel another surge of hope in my chest. “I’d like that,” I say softly. “I’d like that a lot.”

Her expression softens. “Don’t make me regret this, Tovan.”

“I swear on my life, I won’t.” And I mean it.