Chapter Three

“What the fuck was that?” Vexen growled at me as he followed me out of the arrival chamber on the bottom floor of the citadel.

“Exactly! What the fuck was that? You're friends with those assholes?” I turned to face him.

Vex glanced around, saw that ta few wraith lords were passing through the entry hall, and grabbed my hand. “Not here.” He led me to the stairs and up two flights in silence to his bedroom on the third floor. I would have gotten my hopes up if he hadn't looked so fierce.

As soon as the door was shut behind us, Vexen said, “Why did you threaten my people?”

“I didn't threaten them!” I gaped at him. Then I blinked. “Not entirely. Just a little. Because they were threatening us!”

“They're my clan. They wouldn't have hurt me, and you—”

“And I what?” I snarled at him. “What, Vex? And I would have survived an attack because I'm immortal now?”

“No.” He went still. “I mean, yes, of course, you're immortal. But they never would have gotten the chance to hurt you, Ember. You know how powerful you are. They don't.”

“Why do you think I was showing them what I can do? I was trying to warn them off.”

“You were only antagonizing them.”

“Oh, so I should have done nothing? It's all right that they wanted to hurt me because I could have defended myself?”

“No, it's not all right, but I brought you there, into their territory. That alone was seen as a threat.”

“Yeah, you took me there.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “So, if you understand them so well, why did you do that?”

“Because I wasn't going to introduce you to anyone.”

My arms fell to my sides. “You were going to hide me?”

“Ember, I'm not embarrassed of you,” Vex said. “But I know they aren't ready to see me with a human.”

“And still, you took me there.”

He waved an arm helplessly. “It's my home. I wanted you to see it. It's where I go to be most comfortable. That's where I wrote a lot of the letters I gave you. I built that house myself and much of the furniture in it. I'm sorry if I wanted to share that with you, but not share you with them.”

I sighed. “Vexen, that's sweet, and I love that you wanted that. But it hurt to hear you call me a friend.”

“I knew how Rahu would react. But I still told him.”

“Eventually. Sort of. You said you were waiting for me to love you. You know that's not how relationships work, right?”

“Our relationship is unusual. It has to be.”

I just stared at him.

“You didn't have to intimidate them like that,” he finally said.

“They surrounded us. Their intentions were clear. I could have done a lot worse. Instead, I protected us. I made it so that we could fade instead of fight. I thought you'd appreciate that.”

“I do. But I would have appreciated your trust even more.”

“What do you mean? I trust you.”

“If you trusted me, you would have let me handle my clan in my way. But you let your pride get the better of you.”

“No, I . . .” I trailed off, replaying the scene in my mind. “Yeah, maybe. Rahu was just such an asshole about humans.”

“The Corrupted dragged his little sister out of his arms and tore her apart, Ember,” Vex said softly.

“Holy shit!” I exclaimed.

“I know you've seen terrible things, and I know some of them have been done to people you love, but I don't think you really understand what the immortal races go through. I think you're prejudiced in your own way.”

“Prejudiced?! Are you fucking kidding me? I'm human. All of you are prejudiced against me.”

“That alone tells me how prejudiced you are. You live in a citadel full of men who are immortal and decidedly not prejudiced against you.”

“Only because they're touched by the Goddess, and so they trust her decision.”

Vexen's eyes narrowed. “What?”

“Oh, come on, Vex!” I huffed. “You know some of these guys would be just as against me as your clan, if not for the Goddess. A lot of them were at first. Fuck, even Xae didn't like me. And I do get it, by the way. I know humans aren't the only ones who suffer in the war. My people are the weapons, but everyone else is the target. Weapons get used more often, but targets get hit.” I grimaced. “Except when Death decides to change things. Now everyone gets hit.”

“If you understand that, why couldn't you understand Rahu? Why couldn't you just be quiet and let me deal with him?”

“Be quiet,” I murmured. “Huh. Yeah, maybe I was too proud.” I looked off to the side as my chest clenched. It was moments like this when I really missed Ara. He understood me better than anyone. “Maybe I was too showy.” I waved my hand limply. “All this power must be getting to my head. I'm supposed to be the fucking savior of the world, but Goddess forbid I be too proud about it.”

“Ember,” Vex growled.

“No. I'm tired, Vexen.” I turned toward the door and opened it.

As soon as I opened it, it was shut again. Vexen's palm laid flat against the wood—a strong warrior's hand but without blemish. Because immortals only scar when they're children. Would he ever truly understand me?

“I don't want to fight with you anymore. So, please remove your hand,” I said.

“Ember, damn it!” Vex spun me around. “Make a fucking decision. Are you a martyr or a hero?”

“Excuse me?” I felt my chest go cold. This man had such wondrous words inside him and the talent to string them together in powerful ways. He could take me to the sky with his words. And, as I had just discovered, he could also crush me.

“You heard me. Yes, there's a lot on your shoulders, but the Goddess has given you a lot too. You are the only immortal human on the planet. That alone is a great gift. But you also have her magic and blessing. You have all of us to support you. You have magic, Ember. So, are you going to focus on the negatives or are you going to embrace the positives?”

“You know, that argument is old. I've had it with myself nearly every day since this has begun.” I pushed him back, suddenly furious, and pointed at him. “And I don't fucking need you to bring it up. I know I should focus on the good. And believe me, I know there's a lot of good in my life. But no one, not even you, Mr. Enlightened, can be positive every second of every day. Because we all have these things called feelings!”

“Ember,” Vexen's tone softened.

“NO!” I pointed at him again, this time at his face. “You should have let me walk away, Vex. You want to get to know me better? Here's your first lesson; if I try to leave an argument, let me. Because you may be good with words, but I can get fucking vicious and brutally honest when I'm angry. And you have made me really fucking angry!”

“Ember, calm down.”

“Oh, for fuck's sake! When has that ever worked for you? You don't tell someone to calm down. That just makes them angrier. So, fucker, listen up. I've got a lot. I'm thankful for all of it. I'm so fucking grateful for my life here and the men who love me. And I get to have more. Maybe even you.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Maybe not, with the way you're fucking up. But whatever. Things are good. They're also fucking horrendous. I have four wraith lord lovers, but all I can think about is the Corrupter. The man I lost to Death. Still alive, but Death's nonetheless. All I can see when I wake up is Aranren's face. His beautiful eyes staring at me with love after he asked you to fucking behead him. All I can think about is how much he sacrificed to get me free. And how he's trapped now because of it. How he suffers more than anyone else. Every second of every day. And do you know how I know he suffers, Vex?”

“No,” Vex whispered.

“Because Aranren failed in one other thing—he didn't break our bond completely. He thinned it. Oh, did he weaken it. But there's still a thread holding us together. If I focus really hard, I can feel him. His love, his fear, and his despair.”

“Oh, Goddess,” Vexen whispered. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“How could I tell you that when you complain every time we're together that I'm not ready to love you? You imply it's because of him, and you know what? You're right. I'm haunted by Ara. I can't move past him. I never will. Once I give my heart, there's no taking it back. Sure, it regenerates and there's more for me to give, but it's not usually so traumatic. I've never lost someone like this.”

“I know. I understand.”

“No, you fucking don't!” I snarled. Then I tossed his words back at him, “If you understood, you wouldn't hold back from me. You'd know that I need you to get past this. That I'm fucking drowning and no one sees it. You say I have to choose. That I either focus on the good or the bad. A martyr or a hero. Well, I'm fucking trying to be a hero, Vex! But I can't do it alone. That's the point of my bonding magic.”

“Ember, I—”

“No. I don't care what you're going to say, Vex. I don't care if it's some kind of Tiger wisdom or even an apology. I don't want your words right now. I just want to leave. Don't try to stop me again.”

Vexen nodded and hung his head.

I opened the door and left, feeling strangely satisfied. I know it's fucked up, but getting that shit off my chest felt good. I got angry and then I let it out. Maybe my other lovers were right about sticking around to finish our arguments. It could get vicious, but the viciousness could lead to healing.

I glanced back at Vexen's door.

For me at least.