Chapter 10

"M arry you?" I ask taking a step back. "Rafe…we've known each other for a month!"

"I know it's insane but it's all right here Amelia. This connection between us," he adds, and I can't deny I don't know what he's talking about because I feel it too. "I don't want to lose this because I know how rare it is. I know how difficult it is for a real relationship to work but we can do it. We can become a family."

"Tell me this Rafe, if I didn't know sign language would you be so willing to push this…us, this hard?" I question because this is truly insane.

"I want to say yes but I can't say I'd be doing this right now, no. Maggie is the best thing that's ever come my way and I will do anything to keep her safe but…this is right Ame. I know it is."

"If you're so willing to do anything for her why risk asking me to marry you Rafe? You don't know me, not enough to put me in the same house as your daughter day in and day out."

"That's where you're wrong baby," he says pulling me back towards him. He cups my face and stares all the way into my soul, I know because I feel it completely. "You wouldn't have stayed if you weren't ready for this. You would have found someone else to come help out until we were better. Don't tell me you couldn't have because I know how resourceful you can be, Ame. You didn't though…you stayed and slept beside me for two nights. You kept my daughter safe and right now you're trying to figure out how to sabotage this because you're scared to admit that you feel everything you do."

"No I'm not Rafe. I swear I'm not. I just…I'm not ready."

"For what? The next step in our relationship? A full commitment or to be a mother?"

"Both? I-I'm…I don't do this okay," I sigh because telling this gorgeous, amazing and well-versed man that I'm a virgin is not something that is easy to do.

"You don't do what exactly Ame? Let someone close to you. I know baby. You don't let anyone in and I'm begging you, let me and Maggie love you. Let us show you that we're what you need."

My heart literally stopped when he mentioned the word love. It's impossible for him to know how much it scared the crap out of me. Not even the fathers' group and their perverted signing scared me the way hearing that word come out of his mouth did and he wasn't even saying that he was in love with me.

"Baby…say something," he pleads but there's nothing to say as I bolt from the room, racing to the living room to grab my bag then slip out the front door before he could stop me.

There's one good thing about all of the traffic in New York…plenty of taxis to hop into at a moment's notice and thankfully, I found one. I was shaking by the time we got to my apartment, and I rushed inside, locking the door behind me as I ran towards the bathroom and was sick. Now whether it was from the things Rafe had said or the flu I don't know. It was impossible in that moment to tell.

I flip on the shower and get in, standing beneath the warm spray as I let my mind go blank. I couldn't begin to think right now. Rafe's words were sliding through my brain and the knowledge that I was head over heels for him was right there with it but there was no way I was ready for any of this. I mean how could I possibly go from not wanting a relationship of any sort to meeting Rafe and in less than a month of being with him, having him ask me to marry him?

It was completely and utterly insane.

I'm insane because the man is everything that I've ever wanted but yet I'm still pushing him away, running away, and I don't know why. I want exactly what Rafe was offering—a home, marriage, commitment, kids…but the idea of actually having it all is terrifying.

I stay under the water until it starts to cool and then get out, wrapping myself up in a large towel as I head to the living room to put on some music. It usually gets me out of my head and that's what I need right now. I need something to end the constant stream of questions that is flowing through me. The whys of what I'm doing…that's what's bugging me the most.

Why…it's the one word that kids use to annoy the crap out of adults and parents.

It's the word that is used to learn and for me it's the word that I don't have an answer to for anything anymore. I want them but I'm afraid of finding them…that much I do know because if I find the answer and it's something more than what I already suspect I don't know how I'll react.

I like knowing what to expect…and then it becomes a bit clearer. You can't know what to expect when you give your heart to someone. You don't know if it's going to last. You don't know if they'll feel the same way. The unknown is what terrifies me. I mean look at my life. I did and stayed with what I knew…school and the club. I knew exactly how to handle it all but love…how do you possibly handle love?

You can't control it. You can't reason with it. You can't beat the crap out of it if it doesn't listen to you. It has all of the control, and you have none. That's why it scares me, and that's why I can't begin to take a chance on it. It's why I've sabotaged every relationship I've had…I can't stand not being in control. Risking myself for something that I don't know will work out is not a part of me. I don't take risks lightly and love is the biggest gamble there is. When it goes wrong, it causes way too much pain and grief, and I won't risk feeling so out of control ever again.

"Amelia…" I hear coming from the other side of the door along with the knocking and my heart stops again. I can't believe he's here. I'm not ready to face him yet.

"Amelia, I know you're here," Rafe calls out. "Baby…please just come to the door."

I want to resist but the concern in his voice has me walking to the door and opening it. He doesn't look good, and I feel bad for him coming all the way over here when he's been sick.

"Rafe…come in," I sigh realizing that I'm still wearing my towel.

"Baby, why did you run out?" he asks turning around to look at me.

His intake of breath showed that he'd noticed my attire and the look that slipped across his face was enough to send a shiver through me.

"I can't do this Rafe. I'm sorry."

"Ame…I really want to have a discussion with you about this but you're wearing a towel and I only have so much power over my control."

"I'll be right back," I state heading into my bedroom to slip into a tank top and shorts adding my robe for extra protection. I head back to the living room and find him pacing between the windows and couch.

"Rafe…"

He turns towards me, and the desire is still there. It takes everything I have to control myself, stop from moving over to him, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him until we head directly to the bedroom. If we do that, I'll never forgive myself and this will only get worse.

"Amelia," he says crossing over to me. He pulls me towards him and my breath stalls. He has to feel it because he lifts his hands towards my face, cups it gently and then lowers his mouth to mine.

The second they connect, I'm lost. There's no more trying to fight or figure out what is going on. I'm simply with him in this moment and it is amazing. The way I feel when I'm with him is wonderful but the second we're apart it all starts making me worry that if I give in, I'll lose it.

"Amelia, baby, what is it? What is scaring you so much about this…us?" he asks bringing me down onto the couch beside him.

"Nothing," I lie. "I'm simply not ready for this type of commitment. Rafe, it's one thing for it to be just you and me but with Maggie…"

"What about her? You are a natural mother Amelia. I saw it in the little bit of time you spent with her this morning. I get that I pushed baby," he adds pausing to lift my chin forcing me to look directly at him and not away out the window. "If you want to go slow still, we can but I can't let you run away. I can't let you sabotage this."

"Why?" I ask knowing I shouldn't but I am.

"Because I need you Amelia, I need you in my life. I want you in my life, in Maggie's…if you run, I'm just going to have to follow you."

"Why can't you accept that I'm not ready for this and let me be?" I demand, trying to stop from giving in to what I'm sure is bound to break my heart.

"Because you are, I know you are Ame. You are amazing but you refuse to believe I can want this, don't you?" he asks seeing far too much for me still. "Why can't you just let go of that need to control what happens and let us find the magic?"

How can he possibly know what I've barely begun to acknowledge?

"Ame, baby, please talk to me."

"You're not hearing me Rafe. I'm not ready for any of this. Me and you, you and Maggie…I'm sorry but I can't."

"You can you just won't," he argues getting up, staring down at me. "What the hell happened to make you have to be in charge of everything Amelia? Why can't you simply take a chance with me? You and me…this is right, baby."

"How can it be when the idea of being with you makes me want to run?" I counter knowing I need to get him out of here before I force myself to deal with the fear.

"It's normal to be scared Ame," he says so gently that my heart aches and tears clog my throat. "I'm scared of how much I feel for you Amelia, but I know I want to try. I've been through a nightmare marriage and divorce, thought I'd never face anything harder than all of that, but this…not knowing if you'll stay is the worst thing I've ever had to confront. Learning about Maggie is nothing compared to the possibility of waking up and finding you gone."

"I'm not going anywhere," I state with a sigh. "I just can't do this."

"What part of it? The part where I asked you to marry me or any of this?"

"I'm twenty-three Rafe. I'm not old enough to be a wife or a stepmother to an eight-year-old. I think it'd be best if we just ended this whole thing right now."

"What happened to not going anywhere?" he asks, and I know I'm sending out so many mixed signals that it's not funny, but I can't help it. I can't begin to take this step because I can't deal with a broken heart. Because the truth is, I'm not that strong.

That's my final truth. All of this is just another persona. I have no clue what I'm doing or who I really am.

All right, that's not true, I do know who I am but it's not easy to admit.

The club helped me discover her but working at the club also made me very aware of how many men stray. I'm not strong enough to deal with that happening because the one time that I truly did let someone get close to me, they died, and it was the worst pain I've ever felt, and I never want to risk it again.

"Amelia, would you please just tell me what it is? We take one-step forward and you run ten back and I need to know why. Is it me? You're not sure of my feelings for you?" he asks when I just sit there unable to speak.

"I don't know alright? I just can't do this," I state, not about to delve into any of my past.

"Can't or won't?"

"Both maybe?"

"Do you have any idea how maddening you are baby?" he groans half with amusement and the rest annoyance. "Do you know how much I want to pull you over onto my lap and kiss you until you simply give in?"

No, but it's exactly what I want , I muse though I can't say that to him. I want him to so badly that it's all I can think about now. The fear that my heart's going to break is nothing compared to the feelings coursing through me, feelings that I have to control before I do something I regret.

"Amelia, stop looking at me like that baby," he whispers, and I don't know what he's talking about. How am I looking at him? It apparently doesn't matter because he pulls me up against him and lowers his lips to mine, making time, breathing, and common-sense stop.

His hands slide inside my robe and begin to trace lines up and down my sides getting closer and closer to my chest and I'm lost. I shrug out of the robe and allow myself to be pulled onto his lap, turning until I straddle him, and his hands begin to push my body to experience new sensations.

Before I know it, my tank top is being pushed over my head and for the first time my breasts are exposed to a man's gaze but for the oddest reason I'm not scared anymore. I'm not embarrassed and as his hands caress my skin, his lips searching for the pulse point on my neck before travelling lower, I give in to everything. All tension leaves my body and I'm pliant in his arms even as mine grip at his shoulders as I try to stop the urge to touch him.

"Amelia, baby," he whispers against my skin as he pauses. "This isn't the way it's supposed to happen. I don't want you staying with me just because of this."

"Isn't it always about the sex?" I ask wanting him to say no so badly that I can't stop it.

"Not with you Ame. You mean so much to me and you have no idea what it does to me to hear you say that you're not ready for this to go anywhere but yet you're here in my arms returning everything I'm giving you."

"You don't want to?" I ask hearing the note in his voice that sounds like he doesn't want this.

"I want to more than I should, but I can't. Not if it's the only thing you're willing to give me Ame. I want it all baby. I want you and your heart. I get working in a club the way you have you've seen all sorts of men do stupid things, but I will never be one of them."

"Rafe…" I sigh lowering my head to rest against his chest. He holds me running his hands up and down my bare back and I wonder how I can possibly feel so at ease with him like this and at the same time be so scared to just tell him.

"I'm not going anywhere Ame. If you run, I'm just going to come find you because you not being in my life is not a possibility."

"Can we please slow down though?" I plead.

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning…the marriage and love talk. It terrifies me Rafe because I know I'm falling for you despite every instinct telling me not to. This isn't easy for me."

"I know it isn't Amelia. That's why I'm here though, because if we left it up to just you, we'd never go anywhere with this."

"You don't get it Rafe. I…have never been with a guy like this," I finally get out, but I can't look at him while doing it.

"Like what Ame?"

"This…you and me, together like this is not something I do at all."

He lifts my chin looking at me intently and his eyes are asking the question his lips aren't able to form yet. "Are you saying you're…no. That's not possible."

"I'm still a virgin Rafe," I blurt out with a flush.

"Ah baby, how? Not that I'm upset about it because you being with me like this while knowing that…it means the world to me. You mean the world to me."

"Rafe…"

"Don't push me away baby. Please don't," he whispers against my forehead when I lower my head again. "I get it, all of it now. I swear I won't rush you on this again. Just don't run. Let us figure this out together."

"You mean it? You want to stay even though…"

"I want to stay forever Amelia but you're not ready for that, so I'll wait until you are."

I know I shouldn't do it. I shouldn't lift my chin and kiss him, but I do, and I put everything into that kiss because I can't lie about this. I can't hide the way I respond to him and that kiss.

His response to me makes my heart melt and I stopped fighting the last remainder of my brain that's saying to run and never look back. It gives me the strength to face whatever future comes our way and I'm ready to see what it is.