33. Travis

travis

. . .

C ass had her therapy appointment yesterday and shared most of their conversation with me. I had no idea she was going through this; she’s hidden behind a mask for so long. The fact that she’s willing to open up and tell me everything has my heart swelling. I love her more than I thought I could love anyone, and I’m glad she’s getting the help she needs. It only further confirms that as messy as this is between us, she’s still the perfect woman for me.

Pulling up to the office building for my own therapy appointment, I’m more nervous than when I was psyching myself up to propose to Cass. Once I’m parked, I take three long, deep breaths, then head inside.

At first glance, it reminds me of a waiting room for an auto shop. The walls are blank and light gray, and each table is filled with magazines that are older than I am. The flooring is sealed concrete which is equally curious. I do a double take at the list of therapists on the wall—I am indeed in the right place.

I approach the reception desk to check in. “Name?” she asks curtly .

Well, this is going great…

“Travis Harrison.”

After confirming my birthday and address, she asks me to take a seat to fill out a questionnaire. I did it online, but apparently forgot to press save. I breeze through it, since none of my family members have experienced heart conditions, or any of the other twenty-eight listed options. It isn’t until I get to the question about suicidal ideation that my heart is stuck in my throat. I’ve never considered harming myself per se, but there were two instances in my life that I would’ve been okay with falling asleep and not waking up—when Blaze died, and my birthday ten years ago. Cassidy was there for me both times.

I lie on the form, checking “no,” and hand the form back to the desk. Ten minutes pass and my name is called. I step into another sterile room with gray walls and take a seat on the chaise. Laying my head back, I tease, “All right, Doc, are you going to fix me?”

He sees no humor in it, sitting in an armchair next to me. “No, Travis. You’re going to fix yourself, if there’s anything to fix. Personally, I prefer the term ‘heal.’”

It’s going to be a long hour.

“So, where do we start?”

“Where would you like to start?” he counters.

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “My girlfriend is going through a hard time and her best friend convinced her to go to therapy. I thought it would be a good idea if I did the same.”

“Then, let’s start there. She’s important enough to you that you’ve taken this step. Would you like to tell me a little about her? ”

“This will be easier than I thought.” I chuckle to myself. “Her name is Cassidy. She’s my best friend’s older sister. We all grew up together, and because their birthdays are less than a year apart, we were in the same grade. I always had feelings for her, but because she’s Caleb’s sister, I never acted on them. I did the opposite, actually. I fucked around in high school and most of my twenties, sleeping with half of Sapphire Lake. I couldn’t have Cass, so I suppose it was a mild tantrum.” I laugh to myself. “Okay, a massive one.”

I blow out a long breath and continue, “About ten years ago, I was having a hard time. Caleb was in the Navy and I’d alienated so many people. I felt alone. On my birthday, I went to a bar to drink away my sorrows, and Cass was there. We spent the night together, but didn’t have sex. It was a first for me. Well, we made a marriage pact—in ten years, if we’re not married, we marry each other. I held onto the hope that she wouldn’t get married, but I was too late.”

“I see.”

I do my best to not laugh after Cass told me she hated how her therapist said it. “She was engaged, and I may or may not have done everything I could to break them up. I know, I know, I’m an asshole, but it was always supposed to be Cassidy and me. They eventually broke up, and we’ve been together since.”

“Do you see any issue with your actions?”

“Should I? I’m well aware it was selfish. It was worth it.”

He writes something down on his tablet. As he sets down the stylus, he asks, “You mentioned it was always supposed to be the two of you. Why did you wait ten years? Why not propose after two, or even one?”

I close my eyes, hating the answer. “I was scared. ”

“Of what?”

“Cass. What if she had said no?”

He nods thoughtfully. “What if she had said yes?”

“Fuck, that would’ve been scarier. Back then, I don’t think I was ready to love anyone.”

“Have you ever loved someone, other than your family and Cassidy?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Have you experienced a broken heart before? Hurt after a break up?”

“Only once.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I huff a small laugh. “It was Cass. On her birthday, I had the ring and was ready to collect on our decade-old promise. Her boyfriend beat me to it. I felt… rejected. Even though she didn’t know about it. It sounds stupid saying it out loud.”

“Nothing you say or feel in this room is stupid, Travis. Perhaps embarrassed is a better word for it? Were you going to ask her to marry you because of the pact you made, or because you loved her?”

“Both,” I answer honestly. “I felt hopeless, but seeing as they weren’t married, I had time. I had to try.”

“While you can’t change the past, knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently?”

“I would’ve asked her out ten years ago, told her how I felt. I missed a decade with the woman I was always supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I want that time back.”

“Does she know how you feel now? ”

“Yes.” I can’t help my smile. “I never thought I could love someone the way I love her. She’s messy and chaotic, full of love and light.” My smile falls. “Until the accident.”

I tell him about the fire and how Cassidy and I have been home for the past two weeks. It hurts to admit I didn’t try harder to get her the help she needs, while Ingrid snapped her fingers and had an appointment scheduled. Though, it may not have gone as I hoped if I pushed her, it could’ve backfired on me. I want to be that person for her, her rock. Maybe people need more than one person to lean on? I have Cay and Cassidy. I also have my dad, Pop, and even Ingrid.

As we wrap up the session, he asks that I come twice a month and suggests couples therapy. Walking away, I’ve never felt lighter. I consider myself an open book but telling everything to a stranger it feels as if a weight has lifted off me.

One thing’s for certain, I’m marrying Cassidy. As soon as she’s in a better place mentally and physically, I’m asking her to be my wife.