17. WILLOW

I’ve always been used to having endless amounts of time to myself but being alone in Dean’s house feels so different compared to when I was in my room at my dad”s.

I used to spend hours worrying about what my dad thought of me and never gave myself time to think about my future. When I wasn’t at school I spent my time studying or drawing.

There were times when I thought ending my life would be better than feeling like the worthless trash he told me I was but in the end I knew that if I killed myself then he really would win.

I wanted out and I got that but when I was sitting on that bus, my heart hammering with a mix of fear and excitement, I still couldn’t picture a future for myself. All I saw was me stepping off the bus and getting to the hostel. My grand plan was to find the first job that would hire me and make enough to have my own place. After that, I didn’t have a clue.

Being here with Dean, I know my options are limited but somehow they feel so much more open than they ever have before. I’m sure that whatever I asked for he’d get it for me so I’ve been spending the morning thinking about what I want to do with my life.

It’s not like I can go outside freely, well not right now. I’m still holding out for the future and hoping that with enough time he might loosen my leash a bit more.

Maybe I am just falling for my captor but I’m starting to feel like that may not be such a bad thing.

Spending time just watching movies with him or cooking together has been nice and it’s made me feel normal.

I’m thinking that I could try my hand at painting or writing whilst I’m here, maybe even sewing. Actually, maybe not. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at a needle and thread the same way again.

There are so many options and I don’t know where to start but I do know that I want to have a purpose. One that’s not just being his.

I think back to when I would spend countless hours reading manga and sketching out my own panels for storyboards. I thought I was pretty good at it but I could be being biased, it’s not like anyone else saw my sketches.

That seems like a good enough place to start.

I find a pad of paper in Dean’s office and take it to the sofa to start writing down a list of my future prospects. Since I’ve got nothing else to do I add lists of everything I’d need to try out each hobby and even number them for how much I’d like to try them.

I’m wondering if I could attend an online college of some kind when I hear a loud buzz that makes me drop the pen and paper.

“Hey, got a delivery…,” a man’s voice calls from what sounds like the front door. My heart hammers so fast that blood rushes to my ears and drowns out whatever else the man says.

I’m frozen to the spot, unsure of what the hell I’m supposed to do. Dean never said someone was coming here or that I had to answer the door.

The buzz sounds again and I get to my feet and rush to the front door.

There’s a small panel to the side with a couple buttons and a speaker that I’ve not paid any mind to before. “Hello?” The voice says again, they sound fairly young, maybe a guy in his twenties.

I should ignore it and go hide upstairs until they’ve gone but before I can decide on what to do my finger’s pressing a button and my voice is saying, “hello?”

“Oh hey, I need a signature for your package.”

Package?Right, it must be something that we ordered the other day.

“I—um, can you just leave it outside the gate?” I say trying to keep my voice steady but every word that comes out of my mouth makes me feel like this guy knows every secret I’m hiding.

I’ve not spoken to anyone other than Dean in days, weeks? Crap, I have no idea how long I’ve even been here. It could be months for all I know.

“Sorry, miss, it needs to be signed for and there’s not exactly anywhere for me to put it that’s not out in the open. If it goes missing it’ll be my fault.”

“I can’t come out!” I say too quickly and clasp a hand over my mouth.

He’s going to know everything I’ve done here with Dean. If I say anything else he’ll know there’s something wrong and he’ll go to the police. That should be a good thing. But what if Dean’s back before the police come? What would he do to me if he thought I tried to get away, again?

I’ve just spent the morning planning out my future with him and now I’m thinking of leaving him. I can’t do that. He needs me.

“Please, just leave it out there. The gate’s, umm, broken. It won’t be fixed until later today so you’ll have to leave it or come back another time.”

There’s a long pause of silence. My chest heaves with each labored breath and I feel like I’m about to start hyperventilating if this guy doesn’t just leave already. I keep a hand held tightly to my mouth so I don’t give my panic away.

Then I hear the man sigh and he finally says, “fine, I’ll just leave it here. Next time, give an update if you’re not actually available.” I can practically hear him rolling his eyes through the speaker and there’s another pause like he’s waiting for me to thank him but I can’t breathe another word.

The quiet hum of the outside world cuts off completely and I finally take a breath. He’s gone but if he really left the package out there then Dean will see it as soon as he gets home. I can’t lie to him about talking to the guy, what if he finds out somehow?

Whatever’s been growing between us would be shattered and he’d never trust me again. I’d be locked up or worse. He might just decide to get rid of me for good.

The door’s locked and there’s nothing I can do except wait for Dean to come home and think of exactly what I should say to him.

As soon as I hear Dean’s car outside I’m on my feet and heading to the front door.

I wait a few paces back as it opens and he walks in. Part of me wants to run to him, another wants to push past him and run out of that door before it closes. Seems I can do neither as my feet stay firmly planted to the spot.

I’ve never greeted him like this before, whenever he’s out I usually hole myself up in the bedroom or venture down to the kitchen or the main room. So it’s no surprise that my presence makes his expression turn suspicious on me.

“Dean, I—,” I choke out but everything I planned to say is lost on my tongue as I’m faced with his actual presence.

Just the height of him alone and the way his eyes are always watching me makes me take a step back like I’ve done something wrong. I’m not sure if I have.

I look behind him as he kicks the door shut with his boot but I don’t see any boxes. Did the guy not leave it out there after all? If not then I’ve really put my foot in it by standing here with a clearly guilty conscience.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Concern creases his features and I open my mouth to speak again but nothing comes out. “Willow,” he says slowly as he steps towards me, like I’m a skittish animal about to run. His gaze searches the house around us looking for what could be wrong.

“I’m sorry!” I blurt out as he places his hands on my upper arms, his fingers tighten around them but not enough to hurt.

I wish he’d dig them in deeper.

Why do I feel like I deserve to be punished for this?

“I didn’t know what to do! There was a man talking and I answered but I didn’t tell him anything. I know I shouldn’t have even spoken to him in the first place but I panicked and I didn’t know when you’d be back and you never told me what I was supposed to do…” I start to sob and I pull away from Dean, running my fingers through my hair, digging them in to my scalp. I can feel myself panicking and I don’t know how to stop.

“Willow, baby, I need you to slow down.” He wraps his arms around me and pushes my head into his chest with his large hand, his long fingers massage my scalp sending warm tingles down my spine. “Just take a breath. You can do that for me.”

I nod and breathe deep as I press my forehead into his chest. He smells warm and musky and just so freaking good. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until now.

His whole house has his scent but it’s not the same as having the real thing right under my nose.

I don’t realize he’s moved me out of the entranceway until I feel the soft cushions of the sofa beneath me.

“I need you to start again for me,” he says, pinching my chin softly so I’m looking at him and I nod in his grasp. “Was there someone in the house?”

“No, they were on the intercom with a delivery and I answered.” Tension evaporates from his shoulders and he tilts his head back slightly as he lets out a breath. Then he nods, motioning for me to continue. “I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. He needed me to open the gate but obviously I didn’t know how, I couldn’t even get out the front door–not that I tried! I wanted him to go away, I told him the gate wasn’t working and he had to leave the package out there. Honestly, Dean, I didn’t say anything about you or try to…” get help, I want to say, but if those words leave my lips then he’ll think I want to leave.

“I believe you. It’s okay. I’m sorry he scared you.” Dean takes hold of my hands and I realize my whole body is trembling. The marks on my stomach throb as a reminder of what happened last time I left through the front door.

“I thought you’d be angry. I wasn’t sure what you would do.”

His lips part for a second before he purses them and his expression hardens but his touch on my hands is still soft as he runs his thumbs over my knuckles in slow soothing motions.

Some of the fear and tension I’ve been holding tight all day starts to fade as I focus on his touch.

“Did he not even leave them out there?” I ask, suddenly feeling pissed off that the guy couldn’t be bothered to listen to me.

Dean scoffs out a small laugh, “he did. They’re in the car.”

I slouch back into the sofa and sigh as I run my hands over my face. Was this really a huge overreaction on my end? It’s not like I can just ask Dean what he would do to me if I did try to get someone to call for help. I’m certain I wouldn’t even want the answer.

Things have been different lately. He’s been kind and tender, he’s not been forcing me to do anything but my reaction today shows me how I’ve not moved past the fear I originally had for him. I don’t think it ever really left.

He has made it abundantly clear what he’s capable of doing to me if I step out of line, the problem is he’s the only one that knows where the line is.

“I like to think I can trust you, Willow. You’ve not done anything to show me I shouldn’t. Not since this,” he lifts my shirt up and his fingers skate along the ridges of his name. Anytime he looks at it he gets a possessive glimmer in his eye.

“What’s this?” He leans down and picks up the pad of paper I dropped earlier. Out of nowhere, I start to feel embarrassed about the whole thing and I try to take it back from him but he pins me back with one huge palm whilst he holds it out of reach with the other.

“It’s nothing. I was just bored earlier.”

Dean’s quiet as his eyes scan down the page then he looks at me, his brow creased and I brace myself for the rejection that’s about to come.

“What is all this? Why did you want to hide it from me?”

“It’s just some ideas of things I could do.” I dig my nails into my palm to try to center myself and stop the room from spinning.

All of a sudden it feels like the world’s collapsing in on me and any illusions I built up about what my life could be are getting lost in the wreckage.

“I can get you anything you want, baby, if you need me to buy you things for a hobby or if there’s just something you’d like you don’t need to be scared to ask me.” There's a trace of pain to his voice like he’s hurt that I didn’t think I could share this with him.

“They’re not just hobbies,” I say quietly. “I—I can’t spend my whole life just waiting for you to come home. I’ve never really had anything in particular I wanted to do with my life. What was the point when I didn’t even know what a normal future was meant to look like? I never had a life before but I want one now.”

“Willow–,”

“I’m not saying I want one without you, I’m just saying I need to have something for myself. You have your job, I want something as well.”

“And this is where you want to start?”

I nod.

“I’ll see what I can do.”