8

8

The final tally showed that fifteen recruits died and over thirty were seriously injured.

I kept thinking about Grayson. Maybe because we hadn’t suffered such a massive loss since that day in Paris. I kept thinking about him sitting on the ground of the cafeteria in the Paris training facility the next day. The sad set of his shoulders. The smile he’d given me when I tried to cheer him up.

I knew better than to try to cheer up Maddie. She returned to the hostel briefly to shower and then left to go to the hospital. I’d offered to go with her, but she said I should stay in case anyone needed anything.

No one needed anything. Everyone had shut themselves away in their rooms. The halls were quiet and deserted.

Edan’s door was open, and I stopped, peering inside. He sat on his bed, phone in hand, freshly showered and dressed in loose black pants and a white T-shirt. The lamp on his bedside table was the only light in the room, casting a warm glow over his bed. Dorsey’s bed was unmade and empty.

“Hey,” I said softly.

He looked up from his phone, one side of his mouth lifting slightly. “Hey.”

“Heard anything about Dorsey?”

“Yeah, he’s still waiting. The hospital is really backed up.”

“I’ll bet.”

He touched his phone, making the screen come to life. “It’s late. What are you doing up?”

“What are you doing up?”

“I’m always up.”

I leaned my head against the door frame. “I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes . . .” I saw a dead recruit on the ground. Heard the sound of scrab claws digging their way through a tunnel. Saw Julian’s worried face.

“I know,” Edan said. He held my gaze for a moment, and then another moment that felt heavier than the first. My stomach clenched in a way that wasn’t at all painful.

He scooted over on his bed, putting a hand in the empty spot beside him. “You could . . . Do you want to stay? I was going to try to sleep, if you want to stay.”

“Yes,” I said immediately. He smiled and then quickly lowered his gaze, pink spots appearing on his cheeks. I didn’t think I’d ever seen Edan blush before.

I stepped inside the room, shutting the door behind me. He pushed down the blankets, and I walked across the room and slipped underneath them. I pulled off my sweatshirt and dropped it on the ground next to the bed, revealing the T-shirt underneath.

Edan reached up and switched the light off, and he disappeared in the darkness. I felt the bed shift as he moved, smelled his soap and shampoo in the air.

It was quiet for a moment, and then I felt his hand very lightly on my waist.

“Do you mind?” he asked quietly, his fingers curling there.

“No,” I whispered. An understatement.

His arm circled my waist, pulling me closer to him. Our legs intertwined, and I closed my eyes briefly as I let my forehead rest against his chest.

I really didn’t mind.

“Edan,” I said softly. I was feeling brave in the dark.

“Yeah?”

“Were you mad that I didn’t tell you about Julian emailing me?”

“No.” When he spoke, I could feel his breath on my hair. “I wasn’t mad at you. I was kind of mad at myself, honestly.”

“Mad at yourself? Why?”

“Because I’ve been such a mess lately that I figured you didn’t feel like you could tell me. Between the not sleeping and all the stuff I’ve told you about the drama with my mom . . . I just felt like I’d failed you or I should have been stronger or . . . something. I don’t know.”

“It’s not that I didn’t think you could handle it,” I said. “I actually just really hate talking about Julian with you. I mean, I hate talking about him in general, but especially with you.”

“Why?” His hand lightly brushed my hair back.

“Because . . .” Because Julian tried to kill him, and Grayson took a bullet for him. Because Edan and Julian had always hated each other. Both things were true, and I could have said them. But they weren’t actually the reason.

“Because I don’t like reminding you that I dated Julian. Because it was a stupid choice, and I could have—” I cut myself off before I said, I could have chosen you instead.

But I thought about it a lot. What would have happened if I’d been in a seat next to him on the flight over to Paris. He definitely wouldn’t have slept, and maybe we would have talked and I wouldn’t have been able to resist that smile. Or those eyes. Maybe we wouldn’t have hated each other when we started training, and I would have stopped lusting over Julian.

“You’re not stupid,” he said. “I’ve never thought you were stupid for dating Julian. I know how kind he was to you at first.”

“I just feel like everything about me has become defined by Julian. Before, it was my dad, and now it’s him, and I just wanted to be me. Especially with you.”

“I’ve never thought of you as being defined by Julian.” He held me a little tighter. “But I know what you mean.”

We were both quiet for several minutes, our chests rising and falling together.

“Do me a favor?” he asked.

“What?”

“Don’t go crawling into any more scrab tunnels. My anxiety can’t handle it.”

I laughed softly. “No promises, but I’ll try.” My hands were clenched into fists, and I slowly unfurled one, letting it rest against his chest. “I should have said something about the new recruits. I knew they weren’t ready, and so many of them died today.”

“Are they ever really ready?”

“No. But it was worse this time.”

“This wasn’t your fault, Clara.”

“I know, I just . . .” I sighed. “More people are going to quit, and we’re already stretched thin.”

“Do you ever think about quitting?”

“No,” I said, surprised. “Do you?”

“I did, after Grayson died. Thought about hopping on a train and going back to France and on to Italy or wherever.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t want to leave the team. Or give up trying to take out MDG.”

“You . . . aren’t thinking about it again, are you?”

“No.” His hand pressed into my back, warm and firm. “I wouldn’t leave you. Any of you.”

“I’m thinking of asking Maddie to take a break, maybe see if she’ll go back to New York for a while so we can regroup. Would you come with us, if I can get her to agree?”

“Yeah, I’d come with you.” His breath was warm against my forehead. “I would go anywhere with you.”

I let out a slow breath, my heart thumping against his. “I don’t want to go anywhere without you, so that works out.”

He chuckled softly, his arms tightening around me. I smiled as I closed my eyes.

---

I woke to the sun streaming in through a crack in the curtains, and the sound of Edan’s deep breathing. I rolled over to see him curled into a ball, head tucked into his chest. Dorsey’s bed was still empty.

I silently slid out of bed and grabbed my sweatshirt, pulling it over my head. I shouldn’t wake Edan, not when he had so much trouble sleeping. That was what I was going to tell myself as I snuck out of his room, anyway.

I crept across the floor and out the door, shutting it quietly behind me.

I should not have gotten in Edan’s bed last night. And cuddled with him. And said that I didn’t want to go anywhere without him, even though it was true. There must have been thirty empty beds in this place, and I had to go climb into his.

I wanted to do it again, if I was being honest. I wished I were still there.

But I’d avoided any possibility of romance with Edan for a reason. For several reasons. I’d needed some time after Julian, but I also didn’t want to always be defined by who I was dating. After I made that video all anyone on social media could talk about was my relationship with Julian and whether I was with Edan now. I wanted to be known as more than just the girl in between Julian and Edan.

I shook the thoughts away. I needed to find Maddie and check to see if there were updates on the recruits. I had more important things to worry about than whether I’d just complicated my friendship with Edan by cuddling him all night.

I grabbed my phone from my room, scrolling through the texts as I walked to the lounge. Maddie was on the couch, phone pressed to her ear and two laptops open in front of her. The look she gave me clearly said she didn’t want to be disturbed. She was probably making calls to families.

I trudged through the empty halls to the kitchen. Dorsey was there, spreading peanut butter on a piece of bread.

He looked up and gave me a tired smile. “Hey.”

“Hey.” I walked in and leaned against the other side of the island. “How are you feeling?”

“Pretty good, actually. They gave me some nice pain meds. I think the doctor felt sorry for us. It was a pretty bad scene at the hospital.”

“I’m sure,” I said softly.

He held out the bag of bread to me. “Do you want some?”

“I’m fine, thanks.”

Patrick appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. “Have you guys seen Maddie?”

“She was in the lounge a minute ago,” I said.

“I just checked, and she wasn’t there.”

“She might be hiding somewhere to make family calls. I wouldn’t go looking for her, honestly.”

“Do you think she’ll care if I take off with Connor for a few hours? I just need to get out of here,” Patrick said. “I figured we probably weren’t going on an assignment today.”

“I’m sure it’s fine,” I said. “I’ll let her know when I see her.”

“Thanks.” He started to walk away, then gripped the edge of the door frame, sticking his head back in and smiling at Dorsey. “I heard you heroically saved Clara’s life, by the way. Nice work.”

“What?” Dorsey gave me an exasperated look. “I did not.”

Patrick was already gone, and I laughed. “Yes you did. And I told everyone.”

He let out a dramatic sigh. “I just acted on instinct and—”

“Dorsey, take the compliment.”

“I will not.” His phone buzzed, and he glanced down at it. “Rude.”

“What?”

“Hazel dumped me.”

My lips parted. “Your girlfriend? Just now?”

“Girlfriend is probably overstating our relationship.” He typed something into his phone. “But yes, just now. She says she’s thinking about quitting the teams and can’t handle the added stress.”

“That really is rude.” The quitting part was unsurprising, though. We were already looking at a wave of dropouts, and this was definitely going to make it worse. In fact, I really couldn’t blame them.

“I told you I have terrible taste in romantic partners.” He finished typing on his phone and set it aside. “I did hit on Patrick once, though. That was a good choice, in my opinion. But he either didn’t notice or very nicely ignored it.”

“Patrick gets hit on a lot, so I’m sure he’s used to it.”

“True.”

“Did you get any sleep?” I asked carefully.

“You mean, did I stop by my room and see you in Edan’s bed? I sure did.” He grinned.

I felt my cheeks go hot. “It was just . . .” Just what? I didn’t know what explanation I was going for.

“Hey, I wasn’t judging. I’ve often wondered why there aren’t more girls in Edan’s bed. He’s an excellent choice.”

“We’re not . . .” I cleared my throat, trying to think of a way to change the subject. “You and Edan became really good friends, huh?”

“Why do you say it all surprised like that? I’m likable. I have friends.”

“Come on, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s nice that you became such good friends. He even calls you Andrew, though I always wondered if that was just to annoy you.”

His lips twitched. “I don’t think he’s trying to annoy me. Maybe he doesn’t like my last name? I don’t know. He just asked me one day if he could call me by my first time. I said sure, you can call me whatever except Drew.”

“Why not Drew?”

“It’s what my parents call me.”

“And you don’t want him to call you that because it’s special to them or because it reminds you of bad things?”

“Uhhh . . .” He looked taken aback. “Wow. No one’s ever asked me that. Both, I guess.”

“Ah.”

Edan walked into the kitchen then, hair still rumpled from sleep. My cheeks went hot again.

“Hey,” Dorsey said. “We were just talking about you. Finally get some sleep?”

“Uh, yeah. Some.” Our eyes met briefly, and he quickly looked down at his phone. “Are you feeling OK?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. And I did not save Clara’s life, by the way.”

One side of Edan’s mouth lifted. “That’s not what I heard.”

Dorsey gave me an exasperated look. “Dammit, Pratt, I have a reputation as a selfish asshole to protect, and you are not helping me out at all here.”

I laughed, and a smile spread across Edan’s face. Maybe we could just pretend last night didn’t happen. Carry on being friends without ruining it by becoming more.

My phone buzzed, and I looked down to see a call from Laurence, which was weird. It was like one in the morning in Dallas.

“I should take this,” I said, and then pointed at Dorsey. “You should be resting, by the way.” I looked at Edan. “Make him rest. His girlfriend just dumped him, so he has nowhere to go anyway.”

“Hey!” Dorsey called as I walked out of the kitchen. I heard Edan laugh.

I pressed the phone to my ear as I walked down the hall. “Hey, Laurence.”

“Hey.” He said the word slowly, almost like he was uncertain.

“Are you OK? It’s late there.”

“I know. Did I wake you up? I was waiting until I thought you’d be up.”

“No, I was up. What’s going on?”

“Julian called me a few hours ago.”

I stopped. “What?”

“He called me a bunch of times, actually. I kept having all these missed calls from a New York number, and when it rang at like ten o’clock at night, I figured I should find out what the hell this person wanted. So I answered it.”

“What did he say?”

“He . . . It was weird. He told me how much he loves you, and he’s just trying to protect you. He said that I’d probably heard some really bad things about him, but he was trying to make it up to you and he wanted my help.”

“Your help?”

“Yeah.”

“Did he say with what?”

“He said that you were in danger. That the teams were a mess, and you were going to get killed. And he said that you were hanging around a bunch of bad people and I needed to step in.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s insulting.”

“Do you know who he’s talking about?”

“Maddie, probably. Maybe Edan too. Neither of them is bad, by the way.”

“Are you and Edan . . . I’m sorry, that’s probably none of my business, is it?”

“I’m not dating Edan.”

“I wasn’t—”

“Or anyone. I’m not dating anyone.”

“I wasn’t judging you. Or Edan.”

“Sure. Just, for the record, I’m not dating anyone.” I closed my eyes, letting out a breath. This was even more awkward than usual. Thanks, Julian.

“How did you respond?” I asked. “When he asked for your help?”

“I told him to go to hell. And I asked how he got my number.”

“What did he say?”

“He just said, ‘I did a little digging.’ I guess it isn’t that hard to find someone’s number, if you really want it, but . . .”

“He might still have access to the forms I filled out when I first joined,” I said with a sigh. “I put your number as my emergency contact.”

“What is wrong with this guy? Have you talked to him lately?”

“Yes. He’s here, in London. I’ve seen him a couple times. I’m sorry that he called you. I really suggest you block his number.”

“It’s not your fault.” He paused. “You don’t think he’s tried to call Mom or Dad, do you?”

“I can’t imagine. He knew my relationship with them. He and Dad might get along, though.”

Laurence let out a humorless laugh. “Sounds like it.”

“Block Julian’s number and let me know if you hear that he tried to contact Mom or Dad, OK? And maybe save a screenshot of all the times he tried to call you.”

“Got it.”

“I’ll talk to you later, OK?”

“Yeah.”

I slipped my phone back into my pocket, an uneasy feeling growing in my chest. It seemed that there was no escaping Julian.