29

29

We all went to Charlotte for Noah’s funeral. Maddie got permission from his parents for us to attend, but confessed to me that she was worried about Noah’s family being hostile to us. I wouldn’t have blamed them.

But they seemed genuinely pleased that we were there, and his mom even invited us to their house after the service. His brother and sister wanted to hear stories about the team, and they didn’t seem surprised when I told them that Noah was the best one and we all assumed he’d been added to keep the rest of us alive. Apparently, he’d been famous at his high school for taking down football players twice his size in combat class.

I stood in the doorway of the kitchen, listening as Priya told the crowd gathered around the table about Noah saving her on one of our first assignments. I turned to the living room, where the news was playing on a television no one was really paying attention to. It was muted, but the subtitles were on.

“The president of MDG was arrested today, along with several others, in connection with their scrab creation program,” the man said to his two guests. “And Julian Montgomery has denied any knowledge of MDG creating the scrabs. He was Roman Mitchell’s protégé in the security division, and it’s been revealed that Mitchell was fully aware of the program. Do we believe Julian?”

“I really don’t know at this point,” a blond woman said. “I’m honestly still trying to figure out why he released the scrabs in Dallas. He was from a good family, he had a good education, he basically had everything going for him. What causes someone like that to turn around and suddenly stage a violent attack against a bunch of innocent people? It’s mind-boggling.”

“I can’t imagine,” Maddie said, and I turned to see her standing on the other side of the door frame, eyes on the television. “Completely shocking. Who could have seen it coming?” She rolled her eyes. “By the way, I just heard from Victor that he’s been bombarded with requests for you to go on these shows and talk about Julian. Do you want him to send them to you?”

“No,” I said, turning away from the television. Behind Maddie, I could see Edan standing in the kitchen, and I smiled as our eyes met. “I’m done talking about Julian.”

---

After the funeral, we all went back to New York with Maddie. Partly because none of us really knew where else to go, but mostly because we just didn’t want to split up yet. Noah’s death had left a huge hole, and it felt like sticking together was the only way to fill it. It wasn’t working, but at least we had one another for a while.

I woke up the morning of our seventh day back in New York to the steady sound of Edan’s breathing. He was asleep next to me, rolled over on his side, his back to me. We’d gone to our original, separate rooms for about thirty minutes our first night back. My bed hadn’t been touched since.

I had to resist the urge to reach out and trace my fingers down his spine, or over the tattoo on his shoulder. I didn’t like to wake him up, but it was hard not to touch his skin when it was so close.

His phone chimed and he stirred, reaching for it and missing the nightstand completely.

I laughed softly and reached past him, turning off the alarm. He rolled over and pulled me against him. I slid my arm around his waist and pressed a kiss to his neck as I settled into his arms.

“Did you sleep OK?” I asked. “Why did you set an alarm?”

“Better than yesterday,” he said. “And I have that doctor’s appointment this morning.”

“That’s right.” Edan was running low on his anxiety meds, and his doctor was in the UK.

When Maddie’s mom heard that, she made him a whole slew of appointments, including with a sleep therapist, a profession I’d never even heard of.

He slipped his hand into my shirt, pressing his palm to the bare skin of my back. “I may have set it a little earlier than necessary.”

I smiled against his neck.

---

I sat on Edan’s bed later, watching as he finished lacing up his shoes. I was dressed too, my hair still wet from the shower.

“I think I need to talk to Maddie today,” I said.

He straightened, grabbing his wallet off the nightstand. “Yes, you do.” He walked over to me, leaning down to press a kiss to my lips. I caught his belt loops, keeping him in place.

“I will. I’m going to.”

He slid both his hands onto my neck. “She’s going to understand.”

“I hope so,” I said, tilting my chin up to kiss him again. I smiled as he pulled away.

“I’ll be back in a couple hours,” he said.

I watched as he walked out of the room, and then left to find Maddie. She was in the dining room off the kitchen, her laptop in front of her. She’d started working in earnest yesterday, and had been talking about going to Germany in the next two weeks.

I slid into the seat next to her. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked.

“Sure.” She glanced up from her laptop, doing a double take when she saw my expression. She slowly closed the computer. “Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong.” I turned so I was facing her. “But we need to talk about Germany.”

“I’ve actually got a pretty good group together,” she said quickly. “And your plans for recruitment and training are amazing, so I think we’ll get a lot of new people once we put the word out. Plus, Scarlett said Brian will invest if we do the rebuilding teams.”

“She told me. And that’s great. But I’m not going to Germany.”

She swallowed, but she didn’t look surprised.

“Not if you go in the next two weeks,” I said. “We don’t have the numbers yet. And Noah was going to be a huge part of the new training, wasn’t he? Even with the show?”

She blinked back tears. “Yes.”

“We can’t jump back in right now. We don’t have the people, and we don’t have the resources. You haven’t even found housing for everyone yet. Or a gym. We haven’t even started figuring out how to make rebuilding teams and where to put them.”

“I can’t just abandon all the work Grayson did. He believed in it, and I believe in it, and I just want to keep it going.” She took in a shaky breath.

“I believe in it too, and we can keep it going. In fact, I think we have a much better chance of keeping the teams together if we take a step back and restructure everything. And I really want to help you do that. But I won’t go to Germany in two weeks.”

She let out a long sigh and wiped a tear away. “Dammit, Clara, you know I won’t go without you.”

“Yeah, I know.” I put my hand over hers and smiled. “You know what I’m really good at?”

“What?”

“Staying alive. And I know that if I follow you to Germany, and we build teams with so few people, with most of the experienced recruits gone, there’s a really good chance that we’re all going to die. So, I’m saving myself. And you.”

She blew out a long breath, and then tried for a smile. “OK. We’ll wait.”

“Good.”

“You’re very bossy today, you know that?”

“You rubbed off on me.”

“I really am a great influence on you.” She let go of my hand and turned in her chair, looking at me seriously. “You have to promise me something, though.”

“What?”

“You’re staying here. You and Edan aren’t moving out.”

I hesitated, because Edan and I had definitely discussed moving out. We had money saved, and neither of us was comfortable living off Maddie and her mom indefinitely.

“We can’t stay here forever,” I said. “And isn’t your mom selling this place?”

“Eventually, but not right now. She’s waiting a bit.”

“Because of us?”

“And financial reasons, or real estate reasons, or something.” She waved her hand dismissively. “Doesn’t matter. Even if we did move someplace else, you’d come with us. I’m not taking no for an answer. My mom is super serious about it.”

I shifted in my seat. “Edan wouldn’t stay here before with Grayson because he doesn’t like taking advantage of people and—”

“OK, first of all, it is not taking advantage to accept an invitation to stay with a friend,” she interrupted. “Second of all, Edan will stay this time because you’re here and he’s not going anywhere without you.”

I smiled, heat blooming across my cheeks.

“And I am counting on you to help me rebuild the new teams,” she said. “So, you have to stay.”

“I can still help you build the teams if I’m living somewhere else.”

“That’s true. Let me be clear. I want you to stay because you’re my best friend and I love you and I want you to stay.”

A lump formed in my throat, and I had to blink back tears. “OK,” I said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Thank you, Maddie.” I scooted forward in my chair, pulling her into a hug. “And I love you too.”

She wrapped her arms tightly around my waist. “I know.”

---

The next evening, Edan and I made dinner for everyone. Hannah and Victor came over, and everyone gathered in the large dining room to eat enchiladas. I emailed Mom for her recipe. They actually looked pretty good, considering Edan and I tore so many tortillas we had to send Dorsey out to buy more.

After we told everyone that we were putting off Germany indefinitely, they started talking about going home for a bit. Laila and Priya would probably leave in the next couple days, and tonight’s dinner felt like a goodbye. For now, anyway.

Victor was playing his favorite video on his phone when I walked in with a huge bowl of rice. It was the one of Maddie doing an interview in Dallas, after a reporter had found us outside the hospital. He’d asked if she ever could have guessed that Julian was capable of doing something like this.

“We told you assholes repeatedly that he was violent and dangerous, and none of you would listen,” she’d said. “Don’t act all fucking surprised now.”

People really should have known better than to put Maddie on live television at this point.

Edan brought in the salad and then slid into the chair next to me, throwing his arm around the back of it. Priya shoveled enchiladas onto everyone’s plates and continued her campaign to try and get us all to come to Birmingham. Apparently, all her friends wanted to meet us.

“Alabama is not as bad as you’ve heard,” she said.

“I’m skeptical,” Maddie said, then laughed and dodged Priya trying to smack her shoulder.

I leaned into Edan, and he turned to press a kiss to my temple. We were staying put in New York for a while. Here, with Maddie and her mom. And Dorsey and Patrick, for now, though they were already talking about meeting Connor and a few of the other guys from the UK teams somewhere in Europe. Maddie said it could be helpful to have them there, available to scout possible locations for training and housing.

I didn’t really have a plan, beyond helping Maddie put together new teams. And enrolling in high school equivalency classes, which Nicole had already looked into for me.

It was a strange feeling, just existing for a while. I’d told my therapist that I felt out of sorts, almost restless, and she’d said I’d gotten so used to living in a constant state of fear that normal life didn’t feel quite right.

I thought sometimes about that night I joined the St. John’s team. Laurence staring at me through smoke, the painting of Texas burning in the barrel. My choice could have gone either way, honestly. I was on the edge of just shrugging and saying “fine,” to his offer to stay and going back inside.

I tried to imagine how life would have unfolded if I hadn’t gone—summer school, and then senior year, and then there was just a giant blank. I had no idea what I would have done.

I didn’t think I would have stayed, though. The St. John teams were the first really good excuse that came along, but there would have been others. I was smarter than I gave myself credit for, and if it hadn’t been fighting scrabs, I would have found another way to escape, eventually.

Patrick went for a separate helping of enchiladas, declaring them the best he’d ever had. I smiled at him.

I didn’t know if I would have ended up with friends like them if I hadn’t joined, though. There was something special about a friend who helped you pull scrab guts out of your hair.

My therapist had asked me yesterday if I had any goals, anything I was going to do to combat the restless feeling I was experiencing. I told her that the only thing I really wanted was to keep the friends I’d made. To not let Laurence drift away. To confide in Maddie, even when it made me uncomfortable. To always let Edan know how much he meant to me.

To learn how to actually live a life, not just survive it. That was my goal.