10

10

Maddie, Edan, and I arrived in New York in the late afternoon. We’d spent a week in London before leaving for New York. A good number of recruits went home, others decided to travel around Europe, and some just kind of disappeared. Maddie found someone to manage the hostel for the recruits who were staying. All of team seven had elected to go home for the holidays, and they’d left earlier in the week.

Maddie’s mom was waiting for us in baggage claim, and Maddie broke into a run when she spotted her and threw her arms around Nicole’s neck.

Maddie wiped away tears when they pulled apart, and her mom wrapped an arm around her as she turned to face us. If I’d seen my mom again right then, I definitely wouldn’t have cried. She probably wouldn’t either. The whole interaction would have been awkward and uncomfortable, with a hefty amount of guilty thrown in for good measure.

Nicole’s eyes lit up when she spotted Edan, and she stepped away from Maddie, holding her arms out. “Edan.”

He stepped forward and hugged her briefly. She patted his cheek and said something I couldn’t hear. When she pulled away, she smiled at me.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you in person, Clara,” she said.

“It’s nice to meet you too.” I sounded as nervous as I was, and I quickly lowered my gaze to the floor. Maddie’s mom seemed kind and calm and completely different than either of my parents, but I was still apprehensive about spending several weeks with her. I hadn’t had to deal with any parents—mine or other people’s—for more than six months. I wasn’t sure what to expect.

We followed Nicole to the baggage carousel, and I spotted the words St. John Teams on a television playing the news as we walked. A lot of the news outlets were reporting that teams were done for good.

Nicole led us outside after we got our bags, to a waiting car. A driver helped us load our luggage.

“Edan, why don’t you sit up front?” Nicole said, putting a hand on his back as she pointed to the passenger’s seat.

“Thank you,” he said, smiling at her.

I climbed into the car and took a seat next to Maddie, who sat in the middle. We rode for over an hour through stop-and-go traffic.

Part of me already missed London. I’d found some time to take long walks before we left—sometimes alone and sometimes with Edan. I’d grown attached to the city, despite the constant drizzle and relentless scrab attacks. I knew it was for the best that we take a break, but I was still sad to say goodbye to the first city that had ever felt like home.

Edan never brought up the night in his bed on our walks, so I didn’t either. The air between us felt different now, but I was probably just imagining it. Maybe it hadn’t even been a big deal to him.

That thought wasn’t all that comforting, actually.

We turned onto a narrow tree-lined street. New York reminded me of London a little, except without all the scrab destruction. I hadn’t realized how accustomed I’d grown to all the scrab warning signs until I was in a city without them.

“You’ve never been to New York, right, Clara?” Nicole asked as the driver hauled our bags out of the car.

I shook my head. “No.”

Maddie and her mom headed to the door, and Edan and I followed.

“This is a weird way to see New York for the first time,” he whispered, amused, and I didn’t have to ask what he meant. I was pretty sure that if I’d come to New York alone, I never would have ended up in this part of the city.

I stepped inside, my eyes going wide. The floors were shiny white marble, a curved staircase to my left led up to the second level.

Nicole led us through a dining room with an impressive chandelier and a colorful flower arrangement on the center of the table.

“You’re free to wander wherever you’d like,” she said, walking through the dining room and into a very large, very clean kitchen. “Except the sixth floor. That’s the master suite.”

The sixth floor? Sixth?

“I had a couple rooms made up for you guys,” Nicole said. “Why don’t you show them, Maddie?”

“Come on,” Maddie said, heading to the stairs. “I’ll give you guys the tour.”

She led us past the second floor, where there was a living room and a “formal” dining room. It seemed weird to have a dining room so far away from the kitchen, but I guess you could get wild when you had more than one dining room in your house.

The third floor had a media room and two bedrooms, and Maddie opened one door, and then the other. They were right next to each other.

“These are your rooms,” she said. “They both have their own bathroom, so you guys are free to pick whichever you like.”

Edan and I looked at each other. “Whichever one you don’t want,” he said.

“This one is fine,” I said, patting the door frame of the closest room.

We dropped our bags, and Maddie led us to the fourth floor, which was a giant library. Plush burgundy chairs and a couch sat below tall bookshelves, and lamps on the end tables cast a soft glow over the room. “And this is where we lose Edan,” she said with smile. He was gazing up at the books.

“I’ve always loved this room,” he said softly.

“I don’t think Mom wants us to go into Gray’s room, OK?” Maddie said to him.

He nodded, glancing at her. “OK.”

“Where is that?” I asked, because I didn’t want to wander into Grayson’s room by mistake and make Nicole angry.

“Next floor up, with my room. Come on, I’ll show you.” Maddie gestured for me to follow her.

We walked upstairs, and she pointed to a closed door. “That’s Grayson’s room.” She walked to the room opposite and led me into a massive bedroom. It was pristine, with cream-colored carpet that I surely would have ruined. She had a four-poster bed with sheer white drapes, the kind I’d only seen in movies. There was a large vanity, a desk, and a dresser with a small speaker atop it.

Unlike our room back in London, she’d actually decorated this one. There was a framed poster of a movie called Jennifer’s Body, which I’d never even heard of, much less seen. There was a bulletin board with lots of stuff tacked to it—invitations to school dances, a flyer for a fundraiser, some concert tickets. There was a digital photo frame on the desk, which was playing a parade of photos with people I didn’t recognize.

I felt out of place suddenly. I’d known that I wouldn’t feel entirely comfortable in Maddie’s world, a world marked by massive wealth and a kind, supportive family, but I hadn’t thought about everything else. She’d had friends here. She didn’t talk to most of them regularly outside of social media, but perhaps she would reconnect with them now that they were in the same city again. I felt weirdly jealous about it.

“Your house is amazing,” I said, not quite meeting her gaze.

“We’re selling it,” she said, sitting down on her bed. “Next year sometime.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s just the two of us now, and I’m not even here anymore, so, you know, it’s kind of ridiculous. Plus, it’s always been too much for Mom. It was my grandparents’ originally, on my dad’s side. My mom never would have chosen this.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just . . .” She cocked an eyebrow. “I know it must seem ridiculous to you. You don’t have to pretend.”

“It’s not ridiculous. It’s just big.” It was actually kind of ridiculous. The St. Johns only had two children. Only four people had lived in this giant house, in a city that was known for having limited space. And I couldn’t imagine what it was like now for Maddie’s mom, alone in this quiet mansion. No wonder she wanted to sell it.

I sat down next to her on the bed. “It’s really nice of your mom to let us stay here. I’ve always thought your mom seems pretty great in general, actually.”

She avoided my gaze. “Uh . . . yeah, she is.”

“Why do you say it like that? She’s not great?” I felt a sudden familiar tightness in my chest.

“No, she really is. It’s just seemed kind of rude to advertise that. Like I was bragging.” She fiddled with the edge of her comforter. “I’m sorry, but your mom sounds like the worst, and I didn’t want to be all, like, ‘Guess what, my mom is super great and we get along so well!’”

I laughed, some of the tension in my chest loosening.

“Sorry I said your mom’s the worst.”

“That’s all right.”

“It’s true, though.”

“I think it’s nice that you get along with your mom. Especially since you lost your dad and your brother.”

She smiled at me. “Thanks. So you don’t think I’m a horrible rich asshole?”

“Why would I think that?”

She gestured at nothing in particular. “The ridiculous house.”

“No. I think you’re a lovely rich asshole.”

“I’ll take it.” She hopped up. “Do you want to see the pool?”

“Jesus Christ, you have a pool?”

---

I found Nicole in the kitchen later that afternoon, inspecting the contents of her pantry. Edan was in the library reading a book, and Maddie had disappeared into Grayson’s old bedroom. I was trying to stay awake long enough to get on New York time.

I lingered awkwardly in the doorway for a moment, waiting for her to notice me, but her gaze stayed fixed on the pantry. I considered fleeing back to the safety of my room.

No. I was going to be nice to Maddie’s mom, because Maddie loved her and I could learn how to interact with my friends’ parents.

“Do you need help?” I finally asked. I sounded nervous again. “Maddie said you were making dinner.”

She turned and smiled at me. “Yes, actually. Do you want to chop some vegetables?”

“Sure.” I walked to the sink to wash my hands, and she pulled out a cutting board and knife for me. She put several carrots, bell peppers, and potatoes on the counter.

“Maddie tells me that you’re a much better cook than she is.”

“That’s a really low bar,” I said.

“It is,” she said with a laugh. She pointed at the vegetables. “Just chop them into one-inch chunks. I’m going to roast them.”

“OK.”

“Did your mom teach you?” she asked. “To cook?”

“Yeah, I helped her sometimes.” I’d take the knife from Mom, alarmed by her frantic chopping pace, and she’d smile and thank me for helping. I can always count on you, mija, she’d say. It wasn’t true then, and it wasn’t true now.

I cleared my throat. “She taught me to make a few things—tamales, mole, her mom’s version of arroz con pollo. I think she wanted me to know at least a little of her culture, since she didn’t teach me Spanish and I’ve only been to Mexico once.”

“She’s from Mexico?”

“Yes. She came to the US when she was a kid.”

“Why didn’t she teach you Spanish?”

“My dad doesn’t speak it.”

“Ah.” The brief glance up at me and the lack of further questions told me that Maddie had shared a few things about my parents with her.

“Do you have grandparents who are still alive?” she asked, eyes on the garlic she was mincing.

“No. Well, my dad’s mom is still alive, I think, but they haven’t spoken in years. My mom’s parents died before I was born.”

“That’s too bad,” she said softly. “Maddie knows her grandparents—my parents—well. We’re going to go see them day after tomorrow.”

“That’s great,” I said.

“Gregor’s parents are both gone, unfortunately. Though . . .” Her lips twitched.

“What?”

“They didn’t like me at all. It made holidays very uncomfortable.”

“Why didn’t they like you?”

“They thought I was a gold digger. I didn’t come from money like him.”

I looked up at her in surprise. I’d assumed she’d grown up like Maddie—filthy rich parents, private schools, some fancy college where she’d met Maddie’s dad.

“My parents weren’t poor,” she said. “We were solidly middle class, but that might as well have been dirt-poor to the St. Johns. They were old school—they had a few girls in mind that they’d decided were appropriate, and they thought they’d be able to control Greg and make him marry one of them.”

“I guess that didn’t work out so well for them.”

She laughed. “No one controlled Greg. Gray and Maddie inherited that trait, unfortunately.” Her smile faded, and she closed her eyes, taking in a long, shaky breath.

“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice nearly a whisper. “About Grayson.”

She opened her eyes, but didn’t say anything.

“I really liked him,” I continued. “And I feel . . .”

“Responsible?” she guessed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Yes.” I gulped, alarmed that she’d guessed correctly. Maybe she blamed me too.

“So does Maddie. So does Edan. So do I. Julian . . .” She trailed off, gaze distant. “That little shithead. I should have put my foot down about him years ago.”

I almost laughed, and she smiled a little at my expression.

“I never liked Julian. He was an entitled little shit, but so were most of Maddie and Gray’s friends. Greg said that I didn’t understand what it was like to grow up with”—she gestured around the kitchen—“all of this. He said they’d grow out of it, be nicer adults. But Gray and Maddie weren’t like that.” She laughed. “Most of the time, anyway.” She picked up her knife. “But Julian was horrible. He was so angry all the time, and always taking it out on whoever was closest. I blame myself for not pushing harder to get him out of Gray and Maddie’s life.”

“You couldn’t have known that he would . . .” I couldn’t finish the sentence. The image of Maddie sitting over Grayson’s dead body flashed through my brain.

“In my experience, men who can’t control their anger in small situations tend to be the most dangerous when the big situation comes,” she said, holding my gaze.

“Yes,” I said.

“But that’s not something you should blame yourself for, OK? You were not responsible for Julian’s anger, even if you were the one he was mad at.”

“I know, but . . .” Tears pricked my eyes. “Keeping an angry guy calm is what I’m supposed to be good at. I’ve done it my whole life. I went back to Julian because I thought I could handle him, and I couldn’t. As soon as he got mad at me, I froze and I got scared, and I should have been able to handle it. I should have.” I had to put the knife down because I couldn’t see through my tears.

“Clara, honey, no one could have handled Julian. It was not your responsibility to stop him or to calm him down. You did what Grayson wanted you to do—stop the shipments. He’d be proud of you.”

“Thanks,” I said, wiping my eyes.

“I’ve asked Maddie to let the police handle Julian, but she doesn’t seem too keen on that idea.”

“I’m not sure that any of us have faith in the police after Julian got off scot-free.”

“Just because they haven’t charged anyone yet doesn’t mean they’re not building a case.” She sounded as if she was trying to convince herself as much as me.

“Maybe,” I said skeptically.

“But I know that Maddie will do what she wants. She isn’t the most forgiving girl in the best of circumstances, much less now. If I force her to let this go and Julian never pays for what he did, I think it might eat her alive.”

“I think so too,” I said softly.

“Just be careful, OK?” she asked. “Take care of each other.”

I smiled at her, realizing suddenly that my nerves had passed at some point during our conversation. “We will. I promise.”

---

I fell asleep quickly that night in my giant, plush bed, and woke at three A.M., groggy and disoriented. I tossed and turned for a while, until I heard the sound of footsteps outside my room. I sat up, listening as they faded. Edan.

I slid out of bed, grabbing a sweatshirt and pulling my hair into a ponytail. I opened the door to find the media room dark and deserted. I quietly walked up the stairs to the next floor.

The library was dark except for the lamp next to one of the couches. Edan sat on the end, absentmindedly tugging the zipper of his hoodie up and down with one hand, and holding a book with the other.

He looked up and smiled as I drew closer. “Hey. Can’t sleep?”

I shook my head and lowered onto the other end of the couch. “It’s morning in London.”

He put his book face-down on the cushion next to him. “And it’s too quiet.”

I cocked my head in question.

“You don’t think so?” He leaned his head back, looking up at the ceiling. “I’ve never slept in a place this quiet. There isn’t even any street noise. No snoring roommate.”

“Does Dorsey snore?”

“A little. Plus, there was always someone in the hall or honking outside or something noisy. Here it’s, like . . . unnaturally quiet.”

It was, now that I thought about it. It hadn’t been this quiet at night since I left home.

Actually, it hadn’t been this quiet ever since I left home, night or day. I realized suddenly that I’d never been this alone with Edan, unless you counted the time we were kidnapped and locked in a room together. Even our nights on the balcony weren’t really private—recruits would often spot us and wave from the street. A drunk guy did a dance for us once.

Even that night I’d spent in his bed, I knew Dorsey would return at any time. Or a recruit would come looking for us.

Here, we could have all the privacy we wanted. My bedroom door locked. And suddenly my excuses for keeping Edan at a distance felt like just that—excuses. I could have scooted over on the couch and leaned into him just to see how he reacted. The thought was terrifying.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and pressed myself harder into the armrest instead.

“Did you let your friends know you’re in town?” I asked, after a silence that had stretched out for too long. I didn’t know if I was imagining it, but it seemed like those types of silences were becoming more common between us.

“Yeah. I’m going to meet up with them day after tomorrow, I think.” He looked down at his phone, on the cushion beside him. “And I realized too late that I maybe shouldn’t have posted that picture to Instagram.”

“Which one? The one from today?” He’d posted a picture of the skyline from the roof of the house, with just the caption NYC.

“My mom messaged me as soon as I posted it, asking to meet up. She said she was staying with a boyfriend in the Bronx and would be happy to come to me.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing. I didn’t respond.”

“Did you change your mind? Do you want to see her?”

He leaned back with a sigh. “No. I’m positive that she just wants something from me. Money, probably. She’s mentioned Maddie in a few of her messages. Asked me if I was dating her.” He scrunched up his face in an expression that was either thoughtful or grossed out.

“What is that look?” I asked with a laugh. “Don’t pretend to be disgusted at the prospect of dating Maddie. I have eyes.”

He chuckled. “No, of course not. Not disgusted. Terrified, maybe.”

I bit back a laugh.

“No, I was thinking about Grayson,” he said quietly, his lips turning up as he spoke. “He actually tried to set the two of us up once. Did Maddie tell you that?”

I nodded. Maddie had told me early in our friendship, back when she kept telling me that Edan liked me. There had still been a bit of awkwardness to our relationship because of Julian, and I was pretty sure she’d wanted me to know that it wouldn’t happen again with Edan. I couldn’t imagine any guy coming between us now.

“Yes,” I said. “She didn’t tell me the whole story, she just said Grayson was the worst matchmaker of all time.”

“God, he really was. He told me that he thought I was a good guy because I’d never hit on Maddie the three brief times I’d met her. I was like, ‘Low bar, Grayson.’ But I guess all his friends hit on her and he was good friends with Julian, so . . .”

We both winced.

“Anyway, he invites me to his birthday party, and Maddie’s there, of course,” Edan continued. “He corners us both, says something about how great I am, and then practically runs away. It’s so obviously a setup, and we both just stand there, staring at each other awkwardly. She tries to be polite—actually, now that I know her, she was making a huge effort to be nice. I’m kind of surprised she didn’t just roll her eyes and walk away. But it all immediately goes downhill. She asks how I know Grayson, and then looks like a deer in headlights when I tell her I was staying at the homeless shelter where he volunteers. It’s so obvious that she has no idea what to say to that.” He laughed. “She sort of recovers and asks where I go to school, and I’m like, well, I dropped out. And she gets this expression on her face, like she thinks someone is playing a joke on her. We’re surrounded by all these people who go to fancy private schools and attend Ivy League colleges, and her brother just set her up with the high school dropout who is crashing on friends’ couches.”

I cover my face with my hands. “Oh no.”

“At that point, there’s no way for it to get more awkward, so I say I’m going to find the restroom, and I just leave the party. But I guess she sees me ducking out, because she follows me onto the street.”

I drop my hands from my face. “She did?”

“Yeah. She apologizes and says she didn’t mean to be an asshole and tells me to come back inside. She says to give her my number and we can go out sometime. And I’m like, ‘Uh . . . I’m actually seeing someone.’ Grayson had neglected to ask me about that.”

I threw my head back with a laugh.

“At that point, the polite version of Maddie totally fades away and she’s like, ‘Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m going to kill Grayson.’ She grabs my hand, drags me back inside, and makes me come with her while she yells at Grayson about never setting her up with his friends. He sheepishly agrees, Maddie apologizes to me again, and the rest of the party was incredibly awkward.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Later I found out that she’d just broken up with Julian and Grayson thought that I was the exact opposite of Julian, and therefore a good choice. Which, honestly, I’ve always taken as a compliment.”

“It certainly is.”

“But Maddie always avoided me after that. In fact, we didn’t interact much until we were put on the team together. Grayson really was the worst matchmaker of all time. He made it so we both felt too awkward to speak to each other again for, like, a year.” His smile faded, and he looked down at his hands. He cleared his throat. “Anyway, I think my mom thinks that I’ve hooked up with a rich family, and that’s the only reason she’s contacting me. I considered going to stay with my friends in Queens instead just because I didn’t want her thinking I was mooching off the St. Johns.”

“No,” I said quickly. Too quickly. He looked up at me, clearly surprised. “You can’t leave me alone with the rich people.” I smiled to try and sell the lie. I wouldn’t have minded being there with just Maddie and her mom at all. I just didn’t want him to go.

He returned the smile.

I held his gaze for a beat too long, and silence settled between us again. I quickly looked away, clearing my throat.

“Uh, I should try to go to sleep.” I stood, glancing at him.

He reached for his book, his gaze downcast. “Yeah, I probably should soon too.”

But he didn’t get up, and part of me wished that he would. Part of me wanted to go upstairs together and climb into one of our beds. I wanted to feel his arms around me and bury my head in his chest and listen to his heartbeat.

Of course, things were this awkward between us because we’d done that once. I couldn’t imagine what would happen if we slept in the same bed a second time. We’d probably never look at each other again.

Or sleeping in the same bed would turn into kissing in the same bed and then I would surely ruin our friendship entirely.

I turned and headed to the stairs, not looking back at him as I went. “Good night, Edan.”