44. Colt

44

COLT

I paced back and forth across the living room, checking through the front windows every third or so pass. It was almost eleven now, and Ridley had been in that damn van recording for hours. I could still see the light on in the vehicle, knew she was still at work, but I couldn’t help worrying.

That worry grated. Ridley had been doing this for years. She was perfectly capable of covering a story without it wrecking her.

But I knew this one was different. That it was taking more than a piece of her. It was taking countless pieces.

And I hated that. Wanted there to be something I could do to help, to soothe her. But I wasn’t sure there was. The most I could do was help her to weave together the strands we’d uncovered.

I knew when this episode went up, her tip line would be flooded with new strands to investigate. I just hoped there’d be ones of value amidst all the attention seekers out there. Ones that might help us find the answers we both so desperately needed.

But as I stood at my front window, staring out into the dark, I suddenly wasn’t so sure it was worth the price. A month ago, I would’ve given anything to give Emerson the peace she needed, the knowledge she was safe, that her monster was behind bars. Now I hesitated. Paused at the idea of causing Ridley pain to ease Emerson’s.

Because Ridley had become so much more than simply a wild flash of color and energy, throwing my life into chaos. She thought we needed to find the monster to get any real healing, but just her presence was healing me. I was starting to see things through new eyes because of her outlook on life.

I also knew that if I tried to clip Ridley’s wings, she’d never forgive me. I had to let her fight the battle in her way. I could just be there to stand beside her and tend her wounds in the aftermath.

The light in the van went out, and I braced myself, my muscles winding so tight they felt as if they might snap. I didn’t move from the window, couldn’t have even if I’d tried. I watched as Ridley climbed out of her van, locking the door behind her. She started down the path toward the house but then stopped midway.

Ridley tipped her head back and stared at the sky. The moonlight cast her in a silvery glow that exposed all the scars of the wounds I knew she’d just reopened. All for the sake of helping to end a monster’s reign.

I wanted to run out there and beg her to stop. To wrap her in my arms and shield her from all this agony and suffering. But I knew I couldn’t.

So I watched.

I watched as Ridley closed her eyes and sucked in a breath. As she pulled in strength and fortified her shields.

God, there was so much beauty in that strength, but also in that pain, because that was what made her so damned strong.

Ridley tipped her head back down and stared at my front door for a long moment before starting toward the cabin. I hated that moment of hesitation, but I understood it just the same. Because we were both trying to hold ourselves back from whatever this had become. It was so much more than enemies with benefits or whatever other ridiculous term she’d coined. And I was done pretending otherwise.

I moved from the window, crossing to the front door and opening it. The light overhead cast Ridley in a warm glow as she approached. “Did I make it in time for curfew, Law Man?”

I ignored her quip and pulled her into my arms. I didn’t say a word, simply held her and let her know I was there.

Ridley’s body shuddered against me, and for a moment I thought she might let that shell break. Crack enough to truly let me in. But just as quickly as she wavered, those walls were reinforced. She kissed the underside of my jaw and slid out of my hold. “I’m exhausted. Can I fill you in on everything in the morning? The episode should be up then too.”

Annoyance flickered through me as I locked the door and set the alarm, some part of me wanting to smash through every wall Ridley erected between us. “Chaos,” I started.

She turned halfway down the hall. “Please, Colt. Just give me tonight to get my head on straight.”

Pain burned through me, but it was the pleading that did me in. “Okay.”

Then I watched as she disappeared into the guest room and shut the door. The snick of the latch echoed in the silence, sounding more like a gunshot than the closing of the door. The noise rang in my ears as I forced myself to walk past her door and into my own room.

But sleep didn’t find me. I stared at my ceiling for hours, listening to Bowser’s snores from his bed in the corner. It was because of those ridiculously loud snores that I wasn’t sure what I was hearing at first.

The sound teased my ears, resembling some sort of animal in distress. Then it got louder. Whimpering. Not animal but human.

I was on my feet before I could consider the wisdom of it, moving from my room to Ridley’s, the sound only getting louder until a cry pierced the air. I didn’t stop to knock, simply threw the door to her room open.

Ridley tossed and turned under the covers as if she were battling some sort of invisible demon. And maybe she was. I dropped to the bed, my hands landing gently on her shoulders. “Ridley.”

She batted at me, striking out as if I were an attacker.

“It’s okay. It’s just me. You’re having a bad dream.”

Ridley didn’t wake, too caught up in the throes of unconsciousness.

I squeezed her shoulders a little harder. “You’re safe. Come back to me, Chaos.”

Her eyes flew open, and she blinked a few times. The moment Ridley registered it was me, she threw herself at me. I caught her with an oomph as she shook against me.

The sobs came then, racking her body. Nothing about them was gentle, each one more violent than the one before.

I cursed as I slid onto the bed, keeping hold of Ridley as I did so. I cradled her to my chest, rocking her. My hand trailed up and down her spine. “Let it out. You’re safe now. It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” The words were barely discernible through her cries.

“Tell me.” It was a command but also a plea, to give me a piece of her pain to hold awhile.

It took her a couple of tries before she could get the words out, but finally the sobs eased enough. “It’s always the same,” she whispered. “Avery’s in the middle of the lake. I can’t see her, but I know she’s there. She’s screaming for me. But I’m stuck in the shallows. It’s like there’s quicksand holding me there. I’m fighting and fighting, but it just makes it worse.”

“Fuck,” I rasped, holding her tighter to me.

“I can never get to her.” Ridley’s tears fell against my bare chest, soaking the skin there as I stroked her back.

“How hard you fight is a mark of how much you love her.”

Ridley’s head tipped back a fraction, her gaze colliding with mine. “But it’s never enough.”

I brushed the blond strands away from her face. “Maybe you just need a little help.”

Her brow furrowed in confusion.

“A little help to get out of that quicksand, to get beyond the shallows. But you have to take the hand that’s reaching out.”

A fresh wave of tears filled Ridley’s eyes. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” I whispered. “But I’m right here waiting.”

She didn’t look away, just lay there, her chest rising and falling in ragged breaths. Then her hand moved, sliding down my arm until her fingers linked with mine. I closed my hand around hers, soaking in the feel, the gift that was her taking hold.

My lips ghosted across Ridley’s temple. “Sleep. I’m right here. Not going anywhere.”

Her gaze jerked to mine again. “What about the no-sleeping-in-the-same-bed rule?”

I chuckled, the sound moving from my chest to hers. “Haven’t you figured it out yet, Chaos? You’ve had me breaking all the rules since the day I met you.”