Seven

When Penny and I exit Denfeld Hall, it's midmorning and the sky is a brilliant, unreal blue. I gulp down air as if I haven't taken a proper breath in hours.

Penny laughs, apparently picking up on my discomfort if not its cause. "If you think it's claustrophobic now, just wait," she says. "Thank God for the woods. Have you hiked any of the trails around campus?"

"Not yet," I say.

"Good, I'll be your trail guide," she says with a quick smile.

I follow her down a gravel path away from the house, nearly losing my footing a few times on the steep incline. Then the path turns from gravel to dust and we're in the woods.

Cicadas rattle and scream, and the wind moans in the treetops, making branches rub together. It sounds exactly like that weird call I got the day Meredith died. The call I got when I was in her room too.

I shiver for the second time this morning, but I keep going.

Penny and I walk in a surprisingly comfortable silence for several minutes before she speaks. "I love the woods here," she says. "They remind me of home."

"Where are you from?"

"Pennsylvania. It looks a lot like this. Green hills and forests. Penn's woods." She smiles. "It's how I got my name. My dad works in forestry. He wanted to name me Penn, but my mom insisted on adding the y." She laughs. "He calls me Penn anyway."

"So you're super outdoorsy?" I venture. She doesn't quite fit the bill with her wool and corduroy. I'm not sure what to make of her. Out here in direct sunlight I can see her clothes are well-worn, fraying in places. She might be dapper, but she isn't rich. Plus, Wren said Penny was a first-gen student like me.

"I grew up hiking with my parents, camping in the woods with my friends. It's all there was to do there really, out in the middle of nowhere, three hours from an actual city."

"I've never been camping," I admit. "I'm kind of scared of nature."

"Ah, nature is the least of our problems," Penny says, "and we're its worst nightmare."

"I don't know," I say. "I'm from Florida. You should see the size of our roaches."

Penny laughs.

After a few quiet moments, she pauses on the trail and uses the end of her cane to point something out on a nearby tree. It's a small brown bug, desiccated-looking.

"Cicada exoskeleton," she explains.

"Isn't it late in the year for them to still be making such a racket?" I ask, looking up at the trees, as if I could spot the cicadas in the branches.

"It is," she agrees. "But this was a brood year, and there were just so many of them. Plus, the weather hasn't been too cold yet. It's going to turn soon though, and then they'll all be gone. The woods will be so quiet."

"It's strange how they stay underground for so long," I say. "All this life under our feet, waiting for some signal from the universe to come out and live."

"Nothing stays buried forever," Penny murmurs.

I shiver yet again, though I can't put my finger on why. I decide to change the subject. "What are you studying?" I ask. "I feel like everyone in Magni Viri is in the humanities."

"You'd be surprised. Jordan is a biology major; he's interested in cancer research. Azar is into robotics. Me, I came here to study bats."

"Bats?" I ask with a delighted laugh. It's about the last thing in the world I thought she'd say.

"Yeah, I came for Dr. Coppola. She was doing some of the most important bat research in the US. But she died over the summer. Heart attack."

"Oh my gosh," I say. "I'm so sorry."

Penny shrugs. "It was too late to change schools, at least for this year. I would transfer somewhere else, but Magni Viri... Well, I won't get another financial aid deal like this. So I'm going to have to make the best of it."

I'm about to ask how she got into bats, but then she sighs.

"I'm tired today, so we'd better head back."

"Sure, that's all right," I say. Suddenly, I can see the weariness all over her—the tightness at her eyes, the ginger way she moves. It's not the same kind of tiredness I've seen in the other MV students today. I think she's in pain.

"I hear Magni Viri parties hard on Sunday nights," I say, unsure of what to focus on.

She flinches. "Yeah, it's a wild night." She bites her lip and doesn't say anything else for a while. Then she suddenly brightens. "There's a bat cave nearby. I kept seeing them all come whooshing over the tops of the trees, so I hunted it down. They're the ones Dr. Coppola studied. Brown bats. Really cute little guys. Remind me to bring you back to show you another day."

I'm not sure I want to go near a bat cave, but I say I will. Penny lapses into a moody silence, and I don't mind the quiet. This has been one of the most overwhelming days of my life. I feel like I'm full to the brim with sensations. What I need is a quiet room and a pen in my hand, to get some of these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I feel a thin flicker of excitement run through me. For the first time since I got to Corbin, I actually have time for that.

But when we make it back to campus, it's already lunchtime. Penny and I collect Wren, who is still going hard at the piano, and wait for them to go change into proper clothes. Then the three of us walk to the cafeteria. Jordan, Azar, and Neil are already at a table in the corner, deep in conversation. They stop talking as soon as I set my tray down, and I'm reminded forcefully of my recent disastrous attempt at conversation with Britney and Bobby at the lit club reading.

But Wren comes to my rescue. "Everyone, this is Tara," they say proudly, as if I'm a project they made in art class.

"Hi," I say, my cheeks flaming as the three of them stare at me. I can't help but think about the last time I came face-to-face with Azar and Neil. How angry he was at me, as if I were somehow to blame for Meredith's death. How distraught they both were. And now I'm taking their friend's seat at the table. It's excruciating.

I want to run, but I force myself to act normally. I remind myself that it's not my fault that Meredith died. It's not my fault that I'm here and she isn't. Dr. O'Connor said I deserve to be here. If things had gone differently, I might have been sitting at this table all along.

Jordan gives me a small, kind smile, his dark brown eyes radiating warmth. "Welcome to Magni Viri. I'm Jordan Flanagan."

"Thanks," I say, deeply relieved. I slide into the seat across from him, next to Azar.

Azar nods at me. "Nice to officially meet you, Tara. I'm Azar Davani. This is Neil Byrd."

Across the table, Neil glowers at me. Azar must kick him in the shin because he winces and lets out a begrudging hello before returning morosely to his roasted chicken.

"Nice to meet all of you," I say. I don't know whether I should clear the air about Meredith or pretend she never existed and make mundane conversation. I decide to do neither, tucking into my bowl of potato soup instead.

I half expect them to grill me about myself, but instead Jordan tells us all about a study on jumping spiders that he read in an old issue of Science, and he and Penny start going back and forth about the problem-solving abilities of invertebrates. Azar cuts in with a cryptic remark about slime mold solving mazes, and soon they're arguing forcefully about nonhuman intelligence. I follow the conversation but only barely. When I look over at Wren, they're totally zoned out, staring at the ceiling, their own bowl of soup forgotten.

I nudge Wren's shoulder. "Aren't you hungry?"

They startle. "Oh. Yes. Thank you." Wren eats the rest of the soup quickly, as if afraid to get distracted again before their belly is full. "It's good today," they say around a mouthful.

"Want some ice cream?" I ask. "I'm getting some."

"Ooh," Wren says, letting their spoon clatter in the bowl. I laugh as they drag me off to the soft-serve machines. When we return with sprinkle-covered swirled cones, Penny gives me an approving smile. This is what she meant about being a good roommate to Wren, I realize. Making sure Wren eats and spends some occasional time in the world the rest of us inhabit. I like the idea of having someone to care for. A quiet part of me does wonder if I just miss taking care of Mom, or maybe I miss being needed.

But I feel like Wren is someone who will take care of me too. They've already gone out of their way to make me feel welcome here, and they let me prattle on for ages about my experiences at Corbin without interrupting or downplaying my feelings. It won't be like it was with Mom, always one-sided and exhausting. Quigg said Magni Viri takes care of its own. So far that seems to be true, even if Neil has been sullenly avoiding my gaze since I sat down.

"So Quigg told me y'all party pretty hard on Sunday nights, which kind of surprised me," I say, my curiosity to know more about Magni Viri finally winning out over my shyness.

Azar laughs and exchanges a loaded look with Jordan. "You thought we'd all be a bunch of school-obsessed nerds?"

I laugh too. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Well, I mean you weren't wrong, but Magni Viri can be pretty high pressure. Even the biggest nerds need to let off steam," Azar says carefully. "So that's what the Sunday night parties are for... at least in part."

Neil huffs out a laugh. "You'd make a good diplomat, Azar."

"Why's that?" I ask, looking between them.

But Neil only raises his eyebrows at Azar, some silent conversation happening between them. Azar shakes her head at him.

"If I'm honest, I expected you all to be a little scarier," I admit, when it's clear she won't be answering my last question.

"What do you mean?" Penny asks with a laugh.

"Well, you know the rumors about Magni Viri. Students think you're all, like, Satan worshippers performing blood sacrifices under the full moon. People say that Magni Viri is more secret society than academic society."

The entire table goes wide-eyed and silent. My smile dies.

"Sorry, I didn't mean..." I trail off uncertainly as the others eye one another.

Are they mad? Surprised? Did they really not know what people say about Magni Viri?

"It's not like that," Azar finally says, her voice brusque.

"I know—of course—it's just..."

I look helplessly at Wren, who is biting their lip and staring off into space. Penny meets my eyes, but her expression is conflicted.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have brought up stupid rumors. Forget it," I finally say, weirded out by everyone's reactions. I'd expected them to laugh it off or joke about it. But this intense quiet is unnerving.

Jordan clears his throat and is about to say something when Neil interrupts. "So, Tara, O'Connor told us you're a writer," he says, his attention fully on me for the first time.

"I want to be, yeah," I say cautiously, unsure why he's deigning to speak to me now, especially after I made things so awkward. Does he remember me from the lit club reading? I hope he has no memory of my disastrous performance, but that's probably too much to wish for.

Neil leans toward Azar and mutters something too low for me to hear. Is he telling her about my shitty flash fiction piece?

"Neil," Azar says warningly.

"What is it?" I ask, confused and wary.

Neil smiles waspishly, reminding me suddenly and horribly of Helena. "I said O'Connor couldn't have chosen a more perfect member."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, he means nothing," Azar says, shooting eye daggers at Neil. Everyone else looks uncomfortable and embarrassed, afraid to say anything. Heat rushes to my cheeks.

"What have you written?" Neil asks me, eyebrows raised in mock interest.

I shift uneasily in my seat. "A few short stories. Part of a novel." I decide not to share about how I lost my confidence a quarter of the way through the novel and gave up. That was over the summer, before I came here.

"I suppose you have a really important perspective as a... what are you? A Floridian? Though something tells me you'll be writing like Flannery O'Connor in no time."

"Neil," Jordan says, an angry edge to his voice.

"Give it a rest," Penny says, sounding weary.

I look around the table, unable to understand what's happening. What Neil is trying to say. Why everyone else is suddenly acting so cagey and on edge. Like there's something they all know but won't say to me. Even Wren looks like a deer caught in headlights. I open my mouth and then close it again. I feel sure I'm the butt of a joke somehow. And I'm not going to sit here and endure it any longer.

"I've got work to do," I say, standing up from the table. "It was really nice to meet all of you. Thanks for the warm welcome." I walk away, still holding my ice cream cone, which has started to drip over my fingers. My face burns with anger and embarrassment, and tears stand in my eyes.

I toss my ice cream in the trash can outside the dining hall and wipe my sticky fingers on my jeans. I almost take the path back toward my old dorm but remember at the last second that I live in Denfeld now and veer off toward the north side of campus. It's a long walk, and I have class in an hour, so I hurry.

Gradually, I become aware of someone calling my name. I turn, expecting Wren or Penny, but it's Azar. She jogs behind me, her shoulder-length hair swaying around her chin, her form like a runner's, even in high-rise trousers and an oxford shirt buttoned to the throat.

"Hey," she says, "thanks for stopping. I wanted to say I'm sorry about Neil. He can be kind of an asshole sometimes. But he's worse now because of Meredith. He was in love with her, you know. It's really hard to see you here in her place."

"I'm not trying to take her place," I say tightly.

"But you are," Azar says. "You have to take her place; I get that. I'm just saying that it's hard for Neil. It's hard for me too. I loved her too. She was..." Azar shakes her head. "Meredith was mesmerizing, magnetic. It's almost impossible to believe she's really gone."

"I'm sorry," I say. "I really am. Meredith was— I didn't know her, but I know what you mean. She was kind of mesmerizing. And really talented."

"Give Neil some time. He'll come around to you, I promise," Azar says.

"I'm not sure I want him to. He seems like a snob."

"Oh, he's a horrible snob," Azar says with a laugh. "But he's a good friend. He's very loyal... even after you're... well..." The word dead hangs in the air a moment, unspoken. But then Azar cocks her head at me. "Look, you're going to encounter a lot of strong personalities in Denfeld. Magni Viri is basically the House of the Self-Absorbed. We're all tortured and misunderstood wannabe geniuses." She grins. "Try not to take it personally, okay? I swear it's not about you."

"Feels like it is," I say, still off-kilter. "Feels like dealing with my roommate all over again."

"That bitch Helena? We will literally go jump her for you. You get that, right?"

I laugh, shocked. But then I shake my head. "I feel like he was trying to tell me I'm some redneck idiot who doesn't deserve to be in Magni Viri. Is it because of what I said about the rumors? I didn't actually believe them."

Azar's brow crinkles with surprise. "What? No way. He didn't mean it like that. I swear. He wasn't really even talking about you. It was... something else."

When I give her a skeptical look, she keeps talking.

"I know you've had a hard time since you got to Corbin. But we're all dealing with shit. We've all got things that put us at a disadvantage, that make life harder. Like, I'm Persian, okay? I was born in the US; my parents were raised in the US. But the way some of these people act when they find out I'm Iranian American." She shakes her head and laughs. "And I'm a lesbian!"

"I figured," I say with a small smile. I gesture at her paisley-patterned button-down.

She squints at my cuffed jeans and boots. "Bisexual?"

This time I laugh outright. "Yeah."

She grins. "See, you can drop the chip on your shoulder when you're with us. And I mean that in the nicest possible way."

"Neil really wasn't ragging on me for being poor or something?"

"No, not at all."

I put my face in my hands, embarrassed to have misjudged the situation so badly. "I feel so lost all the time," I admit. "Like everyone else knows how everything works, what everything means, and I'm always struggling to catch up. And now I have to figure out Magni Viri on top of it. Not that I'm not thrilled to be here," I add.

"Jordan feels like that about college too," Azar says. "I'll tell you what I tell him. Just ask me and don't be embarrassed. My parents are both academics, so I know this culture inside and out. I'm happy to help."

"Thanks," I say.

"Anytime," Azar says. "And I'll talk to Neil. He'll be nicer next time, I promise."

"Okay. I gotta go get my stuff and head to class," I say. "See you at dinner?"

"You bet," Azar says.

I hurry away, thinking over what she said. Can I truly let my defenses down with them? Will they really accept me? Azar said everyone in Magni Viri has something that makes college harder. Maybe that's why the students are so close, why they stick together. Because they understand vulnerability and the need to belong.

But even if I misread what Neil was saying, there's definitely something they're all hiding from me. They all looked so freaked when I mentioned the rumors about Magni Viri.

And it seemed like Neil was trying to tell me something no one else wanted him to say. Maybe I'll eventually be fully a part of their world, but I'm not yet.

Magni Viri is still keeping its secrets.