16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Logan

I swear to fucking god... I had no idea how Nick did that. He would just ask a question, and I was like, sure, let me answer that for you with the fullest honesty possible .

Fuck me.

I'd managed to keep my sexuality and my crush on Nick a secret for years, and in a matter of days, Nick knew the full extent of my obsession and insanity. And loving your stepbrother was beyond insane. It didn't matter that we didn't share blood. We had a sister with whom we did share blood. Nick and I were family. There was no way around that, no matter how much I fought it and denied it.

There would never be an ‘ us. ' Stealing his kisses under the guise of practicing was all it would ever be.

I bent down, grabbed a few rocks, and lobbed them into the water one after the other, trying not to assume what Nick was thinking about all this. He hadn't come after me yelling and screaming, so perhaps this could be salvaged… whatever this was. A growing friendship? A truce? Simply being fucking brothers?

"What do you mean you hate the idea of wanting me?"

I winced at his sudden approach and demand. He sounded… angry wasn't the right word. Stressed? Confused?

"Are you really going to make me spell this out?"

"Yes."

I reached all the way back and threw the last rock as far as I could. I heard the splash, but it was too dark out there to see.

I bent down to grab more rocks, but Nick's hand on my arm stopped me. "Sit and talk."

"I don't want to."

"Look, Logan. I realize some of these things we've been talking about are hard, but I deserve to know why you've hated me, especially when the feeling isn't fucking mutual. Fine, I'd found you to be annoying and a dick, but no hate was involved. I'm trying to wrap my head around you hating me because you want me."

With an exaggerated sigh, I sat my ass down near some grass and gathered my legs close to my body. "After you turned sixteen, you really started to fill out and grow taller. You weren't the gangly, annoying new brother anymore. Suddenly, you were growing into a man, and I found myself watching you more and more. You kept growing to be so… beautiful. Then…"

Nick sat next to me, entirely too close. I needed the space, yet at the same time, I needed him closer. "Then what?"

"Hannah came along. God, watching you with her… You were so sweet and gentle, always helping Mia take care of her. I longed for a life like that where I found someone for myself, and we could have a family. Then I'd get so angry because those were things I'd never be able to have. Well, I could find and marry a woman, but then I'd be miserable the rest of my life, and she would be miserable with me, living a lie. I'd never be able to give a wife what she needs. Like I would be someone I wasn't, pretending forever."

Nick said nothing as I mulled over my words. He was probably thinking, too. I'd nearly told him my deepest feelings toward him, that I'd fallen in love with him from afar, but I didn't want to freak him out more than I already had.

"I also saw your future with Lauren: marriage, kids… I had some jealousy, too. But the biggest problem was seeing you and being around you every single fucking day. I crushed on you. Hated you. Was angry with you. Wanted you."

"God, everything makes so much sense now," he said.

I sat up, crossed my legs, and picked at some grass, just needing to lean away from him. When he rested a hand on my back, I jumped, but he didn't remove it.

"Thanks for telling me. It's okay, Logan."

I suddenly scowled at him. "It's not fucking okay. Nothing about this is okay! I shouldn't be having these feelings for my stepbrother."

"I… don't know what to say."

"There's nothing to say. There's nothing to do." I stood and brushed off my ass. "Once I'm in Berkeley and you're in Stanford, you won't be around me day in and day out. I can find someone to fuck around with, I guess. That's going to be my life unless a miracle happens, and people grow more tolerant of gays and allow us to marry and have kids. But I'm not fucking holding my breath."

I started to walk off but stopped.

"Can we just… start over and pretend I never felt this way about you?"

"Yeah. Sure."

He sounded sad, but I didn't know why or what to do about it. Hell, I felt the same.

"I'm going to sleep. Night, Nick," I said, heading toward the tent.

"Night, Logan."

Day 6

The following morning, everything appeared to be as it was before. Nick acted as if I hadn't bared my soul to him once again, laughing and joking around with me.

He sure was taking my confession of my crush on him lightly. I didn't know if I was relieved or disappointed. It was nice to move past everything, but at the same time, I had a sliver of hope that Nick felt the same way. It was fucking ridiculous, but I couldn't help it.

It was hard to be as relaxed as he was, but I did my best. I was over hating him and being angry all the time. It'd never been his fault, but mine. All I could do was try to remedy that and be his friend and brother.

And no more ‘ practice kissing. '

That last kiss in the lake… Jesus . Our first kiss had been drunk and awkward. But the second one? No drinking was involved. I felt everything, inside and out. And for a moment, I thought he felt that, too, though I was probably just projecting as always.

No more.

If we kissed again, I may not be able to turn back. Those couple moments had been perfect, and it would just have to sustain me.

I swallowed my pride, shame, and growing sadness and plastered a smile on my face. "I'm fucking looking forward to seeing Graceland," I said.

"Hell, yeah! Do you have any Elvis music we can listen to?"

My mom had a couple of albums, and I'd recently recorded them on tape for this trip. "Yep. I got a few choice songs I picked out."

"Hey, before we reach Graceland, can we drop off some film? It should be ready by the time we wrap up the tour."

"Yeah, sure."

Thirty minutes later, we were at a photo-developing shop. We dropped off the film and made our way to Graceland.

As we stood in line for the tour, Nick stood close enough to me that I could feel the heat from his skin, and his arm brushed mine. It wouldn't take but a fraction of an inch to snag his hand and curl our fingers together. I desperately tried not to react to him.

We're just brothers. That's it.

He looked at me with those dark brown eyes, the color of coffee untouched by cream, and smiled. My heart always beat faster when he did that or was close… hell, it did that whenever I thought or fantasized about him.

"What?" I asked.

"You need to shave. Don't get me wrong, a beard looks good on you, but it puts mine to shame, and I don't like standing next to you. I swear, I'm missing a spot of hair on my left cheek."

I leaned over and looked, then chuckled. "Yeah, I guess we should shave at some point."

We hadn't shaved at all while on the trip so far because I hadn't brought a mirror. Besides, why bother if we were on vacation and camping, anyway?

I ran a hand through my scruff. It felt scraggly. Perhaps it was time to get rid of it.

"So, why Elvis? I mean, yeah, he's cool and all, but you've been super hyped up for Graceland."

"Mom loved him. She had intended to visit Graceland but never got the chance. Weirdly, it makes me feel less guilty by achieving one of her dreams." Nick frowned, but I rested a hand on his shoulder, unable to ignore the tingles through my fingertips. "Don't look sad. I'm happy to be here doing something I know she'd want me to do. This is a good day for me."

I quickly removed my hand when he smiled. "Okay."

Nick and I took some pictures outside of the house, which had lush landscaping, and everything was in perfect condition. An elderly couple was kind enough to take a picture of both of us. Nick wrapped an arm around my shoulder, and I did the same as we smiled at the camera.

"Mom and Wyatt are going to shit their pants when they see us smiling and hugging in that picture," Nick said after thanking the couple.

I laughed as we headed inside. "You're not wrong."

Nick looked around the house with wide, dark eyes. "So, this is how rock royalty lives," he said.

The house was interesting. I wouldn't have said it was beautiful, but it definitely had a unique vibe. Maybe it had been gorgeous for the period. It had tons of white and royal blue fabrics. Photos of the King and his family hung everywhere. The Jungle Room, where he recorded his music, was hideous but intriguing, with the green shag carpeting not only on the floor but the ceiling as well. But if I had to pick a favorite, it was Elvis' pink Cadillac the most.

No. Scratch that. My favorite part of the tour was watching Nick with a permanent smile on his face and big eyes I could get lost in. He just oozed with excitement that I fed off of.

After the tour, we had an early dinner at a barbecue place and ate way too much. We stumbled out of there, drunk on protein, holding our stomachs as we headed over to grab Nick's photos before the place closed.

He feigned like some damsel in distress with the back of his hand pressed to his forehead. "I'm in a meat coma. Carry me, Logan. I don't think I can go on."

I chuckled. "Then who's going to carry me?"

"Hmm, you have a point. I guess we'll just die together."

"Sure thing, doofus."

He elbowed me in my stuffed gut. "Oof."

"Who are you calling a doofus, doofus?"

Before I could retort, we reached the photo place, and Nick paid for his images with Dad's credit card.

As soon as we stepped out, we found a bench to sit on, and he pulled out all the images in duplicate from the paper sleeve.

I leaned over his shoulder to look at all the pictures he'd taken since we started this trip, trying desperately not to inhale him. I had a camera, too, but Nick was more into it than me, and as I looked at the pictures, he was definitely better at it.

"Oh, here's that buck. Remember? Damn, that photo turned out amazing. He's looking right at us."

"Nice shot."

It was a closeup, and his eyes were as dark as Nick's. He was a stunning creature.

"Thanks."

Every time he went through one photo, he set aside the duplicate. "You can have the extras."

Nick came to a set of images we took of each other at the last lake during sunset. But the closeup I took of him had my heart racing. He looked at the camera with wise yet sassy dark brown eyes and his usual crooked smile, but it was small. It was like he was telling me a story with his face, but I was missing the plot. The picture represented all that I knew about Nick, not from the past years of being stepbrothers, but from the past six days. I'd gotten to know two different Nicks, and this Nick, right here and now, I wanted to know more of.

I desperately wanted to yank the photo out of his hand when he set one aside for me, and the other slid behind the pile he held.

I knew right then the picture would have a permanent home in my wallet when I got to Berkeley, while Nick went on to Stanford.