1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Logan

Vienna, Virginia - June, 1987

I grabbed the cheap six-pack of beer and the pack of smokes I'd just bought at the sales counter and left the store, stepping into the balmy early summer night. Cars filled the main drag in town, driven by teens who'd recently graduated on the hunt for chicks or parties. We had little else to do around here unless you wanted to hang out at the mall, which was closed for the night.

Hunter waited for me in my battered pickup with the windows rolled down since the air conditioning was busted, but once I started driving, the breeze would cool us down.

I'd saved up money for two years for that piece of crap truck, determined not to let Dad pay for it, even though he could afford something better. I just wanted something to call my own with no conditions, and parents always had conditions.

I climbed into the driver's seat, tossed him the beer and cigarettes, and started the truck. The engine, desperate for a new muffler, rumbled to life after the third try, and I drove off.

"Light me one, would you?" I asked.

I glanced at Hunter as he slipped a cigarette between his thin lips and lit it up, cupping it to protect the flame, fingers covered in silver skull rings and chipped black nail polish. He handed me the lit smoke, and I took a drag, exhaling out the window, not wanting to smell like smoke when I got home. My dad and stepmom knew I smoked, but they constantly lectured me about it, and I didn't feel like listening.

Despite being the same height, Hunter and I couldn't have been more different. I was the jock, and he was the punk. He loved theater and art while I was the varsity football quarterback. While it could be fun, I didn't play because I loved the sport or anything. Football was just another mask I wore.

Hunter and I hadn't always been so different, but during our junior year, he shaved his head into a mohawk and dyed his ash-brown hair black. I kept mine shaggy and over my ears.

Tonight, he wore a black paisley button-up, buttoned all the way to the collar, paired with black jeans rolled up at the ankles and Doc Martens , along with black eyeliner around his eyes. I sported my usual worn T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, exposing muscles I'd worked my ass off for, white Nike sneakers, and Levi's that squeezed the hell out of my nuts.

Hunter and I had been best friends since kindergarten, and we'd lived in Vienna, Virginia, our entire lives. My football friends didn't get him or why we were friends at all, but I didn't give a shit. Friends come and go, but he and I were friends for life, no matter how much we'd changed over the years. Hunter was my ride-or-die. He was my brother through and through.

We only graduated a week ago and were headed to Berkeley in the fall to start new lives in a new state.

Living near San Francisco and Oakland would be a massive change from Vienna. Our small town sported two elementary schools, one high school, one grocery store, and one movie theater. While small, we lived just a short drive away from Washington, DC, but still, this would be an epic change that I desperately needed.

"That movie was pretty awesome," he said, smoking his own cigarette as he rummaged around in the shoebox holding my collection of mixed cassette tapes.

"Fucking righteous. I kinda wanna see it again."

"Totally."

"How much longer will it be in the theater?"

He shrugged. "Dunno. Two weeks maybe?"

We'd just left the movie theater after watching Full Metal Jacket —the best Vietnam War movie ever. Now I drove us somewhere to drink, smoke, and talk about life and shit. Sometimes, we didn't talk at all. We could hang in complete silence and not have it get awkward. I didn't talk all that much, anyway.

Once Hunter found the tape he was looking for, he popped it into the cassette player in my car and cranked up the volume until it caused my shitty speakers to vibrate and rattle, wheezing their last breath of life, kind of like my truck every time I started the ignition.

Hüsker Dü's ‘Don't Want to Know if You Are Lonely' filled the car with a heavy beat as I drove toward Wolf Trap Park. There weren't any events going on over there tonight, so we could hang out and drink some beers in peace, surrounded by thick woods, away from traffic and people.

Hunter and I drove in silence while the music played. He tapped his fingers while holding his cigarette on the open window, staring out at the town drifting by. I mouthed the lyrics to the song while tension gripped me as tightly as I held the steering wheel.

He was fucking off tonight. I knew Hunter better than I knew myself, and my gut told me he was about to lay some heavy shit on me I wouldn't like. The negative energy just rolled off him. Even though he wore all black, he was the more upbeat one between us. I hadn't hammered him with questions, knowing he'd tell me when he was ready, despite my impatience.

Ten minutes later, I pulled into the empty parking lot at the park and turned off the engine, plunging us into silence other than the crickets and the swaying trees in the light late spring breeze. I always loved the soothing sound, but tonight, I was too on edge and tightly wound.

With a silent sigh, I climbed out and jumped on the warm hood of the truck. Hunter followed me with the beer and smokes in his arms and sat with me. He handed me a can, and I pulled the tab off, chugging a third of the cheap, bitter beer back before lighting another cigarette.

The night was pleasant and balmy as always, but not bad for this time of year. Stars clustered over the cloudless sky, and the woods twinkled with fireflies, just like the stars above. The world all around me turned to glitter. It did nothing to keep my mood from turning morose, my impatience growing.

"Let's hear it, man," I finally said.

Hunter huffed a laugh. "Fucking mind reader."

"Yeah, well, you can read mine, too, so we're even."

He took another drag and exhaled the smoke without looking at me. "I swear we were brothers in a past life."

"Twins."

A snort escaped him. "Fraternal, no doubt."

"No doubt."

Despite our banter, there was a sense of heaviness and regret in his words. I took a drag of my smoke and bumped my shoulder against his to prod him along.

Hunter picked at his black-painted thumbnail, chipping it off even more than it already was. "Shit, how do I tell you this?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat, sensing what was coming. "Just out with it."

"I, ah, can't go on our trip."

There it is—the sound of the other shoe dropping.

My stomach twisted as the beer turned acidic. Hunter and I had been planning this road trip since we were in middle school, right after my mom died. We'd scrimped and saved every penny we earned from our allowances, mowing yards, working jobs, and birthday money for seven years. It was the very reason I chose such a shitty truck, not wanting to blow everything I'd saved.

The plan had been to leave the last week of July and drive across the entire country to California in three weeks while touring the states in between. By the end of the trip, we'd go to college and start on a new path that would define the rest of our lives, but always together.

It was early June, and I didn't think I'd be able to find anyone to replace him on time. The trip wouldn't be cheap, and I couldn't afford to do it without Hunter, not that Dad would let me go alone. I couldn't do this trip without him. I wouldn't do this trip without him.

I washed down my disappointment with the rest of my beer, settling heavily in my gut. "I'm assuming you have a good reason for ditching me."

"Logan, you know I wouldn't leave you hanging like this if I had a choice."

I nodded and flicked the ashes of my cigarette, the glowing embers quickly cooling before they hit the ground. He was right. Hunter had never let me down without good reason.

"It's a secret. No one knows but the family. Regardless, I'm going to tell you because we're practically brothers. My parents said it was okay to tell you since they love you, too, and they think you should know."

Fuck, this was going to be bad. I looked over at my friend, whose denim-blue eyes were black in the darkness, shimmering as they filled with water.

I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and pulled him against me. These reactions were generally frowned upon for guys, always told to suck it up and ‘be a man' with our pain, but I didn't give a shit. Hunter needed me. "What's happened?"

He wiped his nose with the back of his hand and sniffed. "Mom's dying. I need to be here for her to help Dad and Julia. My sister won't understand. She's too young for this."

I pulled my best friend into a fierce hug, turning myself into a protective shield, as his sobs rang out through the surrounding woods, clinging to me. My eyes watered, not only from Hunter's loss, but from my own. I tried to hold them back, but it was useless. I loved Mrs. McKnight. She became my second mother after mine had been taken from me when I was twelve. My mother's death was the very reason for this trip we'd planned. I wanted to visit all the places she'd dreamed about, but never got the chance to.

Mom had been in a hit-and-run accident. She hadn't been wearing her seatbelt and slammed headfirst into the windshield. Seatbelts weren't a big thing at the time. Hell, Mom used to hold me in the front seat when I was an infant. But ever since her death, Dad made me wear one every time I got into a car.

He wiped his tears on my shirt as he settled down.

"Fuck, Hunt… I'm so damn sorry."

"Me, too. You lost your mom so fast. At least we'll be prepared for losing mine."

"Screw that, man. Like it's any different losing a parent, no matter how fast or slow. Tell me what's going on."

Hunter sat up, wiped his face with his sleeve, and took a sip of beer. "She's got breast cancer, man. They're going to do chemo and shit, remove her breasts, but… it doesn't look good. The cancer's spread. Her chances of survival are low, but she wants to try because she's fucking strong. They caught it too late, said she was too young for breast cancer. Assholes. Anyway, we don't know how long she's got, so I need to be there as much as I can before I leave for college."

"I just saw your parents. Your mom didn't look sick at all."

"Yeah, she hides it. They haven't started treatment yet either… She's going in for surgery next week." He lit another smoke and blew it out as his face morphed into anger. "I don't fucking get it! She's only thirty-nine! It's not fair!"

It wasn't fucking fair. It hadn't been fair when my mother was taken from me so young, either. I'd been angry about the loss for a long time, left to deal with it alone while Dad grieved, too. We'd leaned on each other periodically, but sometimes he withdrew so much that I had to suffer on my own. That was when Hunter and his parents stepped in. They took up the emotional slack that I needed. I wouldn't have survived it without them. I never blamed Dad. He did his best in a horrible situation.

"Can I see her?"

Hunter nodded. "I'll ask."

I rested my hand on his shoulder and gripped him. "I'm so sorry, Hunt. Fuck… I'll cancel everything and be here for you. Screw the trip. This is more important."

"No. Go on. Find someone to go with or go alone. Find a way, Lo. I'll give you my half of the money if I have to. This is a dream of yours, and I'm sorry I won't be with you, but I want you to do this. I need you to do this. You need it as well."

I bent my knees and wrapped an arm around my legs as I stared out into the shimmering evening, breathing in fresh air, wood, and earth. Coming from somewhere were hints of fresh cut grass mingled with Hunter's patchouli and cigarette smoke.

"This was your dream, too. You sure you're going to make it to school?"

"I'm not sure what's going to happen. Dad said I have to go to college no matter what. He doesn't want me giving up my education or putting it on hold. But I don't know, man… I'm terrified that if I leave, she'll die while I'm gone."

I grabbed another beer, opened it, and took a swig. "Makes sense that you'd want to be there for her. Shit, I'd fucking give anything to have been able to tell Mom goodbye, and that I loved her." I looked at my friend wide-eyed. "God, I mean… I don't mean like… fuck. It's all shit, is the point."

"I get it. Cancer just fucking sucks."

We both lay back on the windshield and stared up at the sky, which was indifferent to our losses. What did it matter to them? Most of those stars lived on for millions or billions of years. What did they care about death? And once they died, they got to bring their orbiting world with them, like sacrificing their children.

The smoke I exhaled swirled toward the heavens in a translucent ribbon, trying to reach those stars until it evaporated into nothingness.

"I'll try to be there when we start our first semester," he said. "That's the plan, anyway."

"It's okay if you can't."

While I had plenty of friends, only Hunter mattered. I'd be alone without him. He was the only one who knew my secret and why I wore all those masks.

I'd told him I was gay one night during a sleepover right before I turned thirteen. Being in the closet was a lonely life. People didn't like queers, especially after AIDS had broken out. The pandemic had been all over the news for years, pushing me deeper into the closet. At least I had a friend I could tell my deepest secrets to, and he'd never judge.

It was hard to hide my true self, but I did what I could by playing football, building my muscles, and shaving every few days instead of every day to make me look more like a man. I dated a couple of girls, but I refused to fuck them, so they never lasted long because I didn't want them questioning, but it was enough to show that I wasn't into men. No one I knew questioned my sexuality.

Shit, I could barely kiss those girls. We didn't do more than a peck on the lips. I just couldn't bring myself to deepen the kiss, like each time I betrayed a part of myself. A little bit of me broke off with every hug, kiss, or flirtation with a girl.

At least in college, no one would give a fuck if I didn't date girls. Or so I hoped. I'd read about a pretty famous gay bar in Oakland I could go to should the need arise or to get some sexual experience with a man that I sorely lacked.

Hunter had also been there for me when my dad remarried, and I ended up with a stepbrother. I'd been so fucking angry Dad found someone to replace Mom. She'd been dead barely two years before he found a new wife. What made everything worse was that I didn't hate my stepmother. She was too fucking nice, so I took my frustrations out on my stepbrother. I needed a punching bag, and he became it.

Let's just say I'd been difficult in my early teens.

Hunter and I lay on the truck, still looking up at the sky, saying nothing for a while. The night grew heavy with loss. Loss from my past and his soon-to-be loss.

"I'm here for whenever you need me, Hunt," I finally said.

"I know, man."

He opened another beer and chugged all the brew down. After he burped, he looked at me. "We still hittin' Will Spencer's party tomorrow night? Everyone's gonna be there."

"Yeah, I guess. You up for it?"

"Definitely. I need a distraction, not to mention your crush will probably be going. That's always entertaining."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "So? I live with the fucking douchebag. I see him every day."

"Yeah, but he'll be distracted. You can pine for him from afar when everyone's too busy or drunk to notice."

"Meanwhile, he'll be sucking face with fucking Lauren. It doesn't matter because it'll never happen, anyway, so how I feel about him is pointless, man. Once I'm off to college, he'll be out of sight, out of mind. I can't fucking wait."

Hunter laughed, washing away the heaviness from earlier. "Dude, I've never seen anything like it… this weird hate-love thing you got going on for Nick."

No shit. I'd been attracted to Nick since he bulked up at age sixteen. Now, at nineteen, he was fucking stunning with his dark chocolate eyes and olive skin. Yet I hated him for coming into my life, which I eventually got over… sort of. Then I hated him because I was attracted to him. I hated not being able to have what I wanted. It was easier to fester with resentment than with want. I never said I was rational. Once I found someone new, Nick would be forgotten.

There'd been other boys at school I found hot, but I just couldn't go there. It was easier to block them out than it was Nick.

Hunter sat up, hopped off the truck, and put his smoke out on the asphalt. "Let's bounce. I'm hungry for some McDonald's ."

I jumped off the hood, too, and climbed into my truck. "Sounds good."