Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Clara was looking at me as I sighed and rubbed my eyes.

“What’s wrong? You’ve looked sad today,” she said as I reorganized the shoe display for the third time. It still didn’t look right. It made more sense to have the taller winter boots at the top than at the bottom, but the whole thing still looked off.

“Nothing,” I told her, hearing the weariness in my tone and reminding myself I was a bad liar. I had slept awful last night, worse than the nights the bats had terrorized me. But instead of taking the day off like I’d originally requested, I had decided to come in and not leave her shorthanded instead.

She had to have heard the BS too from the expression she made that was all concern. Part of me expected her to let it go, but she didn’t. “You know you can tell me whatever’s bothering you, right?” she asked, slowly and carefully, trying not to tread on my toes but obviously concerned enough to risk it.

And that’s why I set the shoes down and looked at her and then sighed so deeply, I didn’t know how I still had air left in my lungs afterward. “I fucked up, Clara.”

She came around the counter, walking right past Jackie, who was renting some tubes out to a family, and walked over to squat beside me, her hand resting between my shoulder blades. “If you tell me, I can try to help. Or I can just listen.”

Love and tenderness filled my entire soul, so much of it that it almost made up for the ache I’d been feeling since last night, and I found myself hugging her close for a second before pulling back and saying, “You’re such a good person. I hope you know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but even more for your friendship.”

It was her turn to hug me back. “It goes both ways, you know. You’ve been the best thing to happen to me in a long time, and we’re all so glad you’re here.”

Wasn’t that nearly word for word what Rhodes had said once?

When he was talking to me.

When he wasn’t ignoring my text messages like he had that morning. All I’d wanted was to talk to him, to explain better. I still hadn’t gotten a reply though.

I sniffled, then she sniffled, and I told her the truth. “I hadn’t told Rhodes or Amos about Kaden, and they found out last night. I feel terrible, and they’re so mad at me.” What I didn’t say was that they hadn’t even tried to stop me when we’d gotten back, and I went into their house to grab my things and go back to the garage apartment.

Her eyes had widened with every word out of my mouth but somehow circled back so that she ended up grimacing but making a thoughtful expression at the same time. “But you didn’t tell them about him because you’re embarrassed about it.” I wasn’t positive even she knew about how I’d written his songs. Jackie did because she’d overheard comments Yuki had made, but Clara had never brought up anything about it. Had Jackie told her? Had she put it together? I had no clue.

So I nodded and told her as quickly as possible about it, stressing mostly on how I hadn’t written anything new in nearly two years and how I hadn’t brought it up because I wouldn’t be able to help Am with his music in that way anymore.

She tilted her head to the side, and her expression wasn’t sad, but it was close. “You know, I get why they’d be upset, but at the same time, I understand why you didn’t want to tell them too. If I were in your shoes, I don’t know that I would either. At the same time, I always thought it was pretty cool you knew him in the first place, that you were together.”

I shrugged.

“But you told them about him in general, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, just never the specifics.” I blew out a breath and shook my head. “They wouldn’t even look at me, Clara. I know I kind of deserve it, but it really hurt my feelings. They found out because we stopped at this gas station and two of Kaden’s band members happened to stop at the same one and they tried to apologize for turning their backs on me. It was so dumb, and I feel like crap. The only reason I waited so long to tell them was because I wanted them to like me for me. And they did. And now it backfired.”

“I’m sure they are upset. He’s . . . Kaden Jones, Aurora. I saw him on a commercial last night. I think my jaw dropped when he had that first big hit and I realized you were together.”

I grunted, knowing exactly what song it was. “What the Heart Wants.” I’d written it when I was sixteen and I’d missed my life in Colorado so much still.

Clara reached over and grabbed my hand. “They’ll get over it. Those two love you. I don’t think they know how to function without you anymore. Give them some time.” I must have made a face because she laughed. “Why don’t you come over tonight? Stay with us? Dad was upset you didn’t come over Christmas Eve even though it wasn’t like anybody was able to go anywhere because of the snow.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, not wanting to picture myself sitting in the garage apartment all by myself for hours. Not with this feeling in my soul.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

I nodded at her. “Okay. I will. I’ll go get my things and then come over. Do you want me to bring anything?”

“Just you,” she answered. “Don’t beat yourself up too much. Nobody who knows you would ever believe you’d do something malicious.” Clara paused. “Unless they really asked for it.”

That was the first time I smiled all day.

My heart kept on feeling pretty heavy, despite Clara’s assurance I’d be forgiven.

I knew it was my fault. My pride had kicked the shit out of me, and that was the most frustrating part, that I couldn’t blame anybody else.

And my heart kept on hurting even more as I turned into the driveway and saw the ruts in the snow from wide tires. Because I knew what it meant. Rhodes was home.

As in, he’d literally just gotten home too. Seconds before me.

I knew that because I found him getting out of his truck as I pulled into the area that he’d plowed around my car Christmas morning when he’d dug us all out of the snow since the forecast hadn’t called for much more.

Reluctant hope kind of sprouted inside of me as I put my car into park and reached to grab my bag. But just as quickly as its little roots had sprouted, they shriveled up. He didn’t look at me. Not once as he slammed his door closed and stubbornly kept his attention straight ahead, refusing to focus down . . . or on me. I waited in my car, watching, hoping and praying he’d turn around and just . . . glance over.

But that wasn’t what happened.

I swallowed.

He didn’t need to do anything he didn’t want to.

He was mad at me, and I just had to live with it. Clara was right. He would eventually forgive me. I hoped. Amos, I wasn’t so sure about but . . . we’d figure it out. I hoped too. I really did owe them time at least to accept it and hopefully see things from my perspective . . . even if this was just about exactly what I’d wanted to avoid.

Up the stairs I went.

I put some things into my duffel bag for tonight and tomorrow morning. I knew it was a little immature, but I hadn’t put the jacket that Rhodes had bought me on that morning, instead using my thinner one, and I left it where it was on top of the mattress. And yeah, I hadn’t worn the boots either, and I left them on the side of the bed too.

They could be mad, but I could have my feelings hurt too, right? I was tired of people just . . . not talking to me anymore. Just letting me leave. It sucked, plain and simple. Maybe I’d gotten over a lot of things over the last year and a half, but the betrayal of not just the Joneses but my “friends” too stung the hardest.

So yes, chances were I was being extra sensitive, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. There were only so many emotions you could talk yourself out of, and this ache wasn’t one of them.

Finally ready to leave, I clutched my keys as I circled toward my car and tossed my bag in the back. I happened to look up toward the deck and found Amos standing there, watching me through the window. I lifted my hand and ducked into the car. I didn’t wait for him to greet me back; I couldn’t handle having him blatantly ignore me.

Then I left.