12. Dylan

Chapter 12

Dylan

I 'm shaking, barely able to hold myself together. Ford's arms around me are comforting, but it does nothing to stop the hurt in my chest. Jacob's words cut deeper than I expected. How can he not see that this is real for me? That what I feel for Matthew isn't wrong? It's not some dirty taboo thing.

I pull away from Ford, needing space to think, to breathe. My mind is in chaos, emotions and thoughts crashing into each other. Jacob has always understood me, saw me for who I am. But now… now, it feels like he's treating me like a stranger.

How can he be so upset about this? How can he not see that Matthew is more than my soon-to-be stepbrother to me. The fact that Ford can accept it so easily makes Jacob's resistance even more painful. Ford's cool about it, understanding in a way that makes me feel like maybe, just maybe, this could work. But Jacob…

I can't lose him. The thought of it makes my stomach churn, a sickening dread that tightens around my heart. But can I really push aside my feelings for Matthew? Can I pretend they don't exist just to make Jacob happy? If I do that, won't I just end up resenting him? Won't I end up hating myself for not being true to what I feel?

I glance at Ford, his eyes soft and full of understanding. He doesn't see Matthew as a threat, doesn't feel like he's losing a part of me to him. He's confident in what we have, in what I feel for him. But Jacob… he's so wrapped up in what people will think that he can't see past it to what really matters.

Why is Ford so different? Why can he accept this when Jacob can't? Is it because Ford has always been more open-minded—more willing to embrace the unconventional? Or is it because he trusts me more, trusts that my feelings for Matthew won't change what I feel for him?

I wipe at my cheeks, the tears falling uncontrollably now. This isn't what I wanted. I never wanted to hurt Jacob, to cause him pain. But I can't ignore what I feel for Matthew or pretend that it doesn't exist.

I take a deep breath to steady myself, trying to find the right words. But they don't come. All I can think about is how Jacob looked at me, his eyes filled with disbelief and hurt. I know he loves me. And while I know he says he's just trying to protect me, it feels more like he's trying to protect himself.

My heart aches for him, for the boy who has loved me since we were kids, and dreamed of a future with me. But that future… it's not as simple as it once was. It's not just him and me anymore.

I open my eyes, staring at the ground, my vision blurred with tears. I'm so lost in my thoughts, so caught up in the what-ifs and maybes, that I don't even notice they're no long sitting beside me until Ford steps in front of me, his hand gently resting on my shoulder.

His voice cuts through my thoughts, soft and steady. "Dylan, you don't have to make a decision right now. We'll figure this out together, okay?"

I do have to make a decision, but it's not just about Matthew. It's about Jacob, Ford, everything I've ever known, and everything I'm terrified of losing.

Jacob steps up beside him, his hands gently cupping my cheeks, grounding me. His eyes search mine, full of fear and love, and it breaks my heart to see him like this. "I don't want to hurt you, Pickle," he whispers. "This is a lot for me, too. I barely survived when I thought you chose Ford over me. Now we share, and I love it. But he's my best friend. I don't know Matthew, except that he's been a dick to you."

Ford speaks up through gritted teeth. "He explained that to Kitty, and if she forgives him, we have to as well. It's not our place to hold a grudge if she doesn't."

They're both right in their own ways, but that doesn't make this any easier. "Relationships change in college," Jacob says, his voice quieter now, almost resigned. "In a few short months, that's where we're headed. What if adding someone else to this relationship at the same time we all move to CSU fucks it up?"

"What if it makes it better?" Ford counters, his eyes locked on Jacob's, challenging him.

"Jacob, why don't you trust me?" I ask, my voice trembling with the weight of everything unsaid.

His eyes widen in surprise, and he shakes his head. "I do. Why would you think I don't?"

"Because I'm telling you, there's room for you, Ford, and Matthew. But all you can focus on is that you might get pushed out. So, you're calling me a liar?" My voice cracks, and I hate the way it sounds, but I can't stop the hurt from pouring out.

"That's not—" he starts, but I cut him off, needing him to understand.

"Not verbatim, but it's what you're insinuating. There might not be room for the three of you, but you wouldn't be the one to leave. What we have is strong. This thing with Matthew might not work out. He might turn out to be a prick. That's on him, not you. What we have will stay the same."

The words spill out of me in a rush, raw and unfiltered. I don't know if they'll make a difference, but I can't hold them in any longer. The thought of losing Jacob—of losing what we have—terrifies me, but denying this part of myself, of pretending that my feelings for Matthew don't exist, is just as terrifying.

Jacob sucks in a breath, blowing it out slowly, like he's trying to calm the storm raging inside him. "I'll try," he finally says, his voice shaky but determined. "But we take things slow. No orgies or sex with him and us. We can hang out and stuff, but that's it at first. What you two do together alone is up to you. But we keep everything out in the open."

"No secrets," I agree, my voice barely a whisper.

"No secrets," he repeats, like a vow.

"I love you, Jacob," I say, my heart in my throat. "I always have, and I always will."

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Pickle," he murmurs, his forehead resting against mine. "I just can't stand the thought of losing you again."

"I know," I whisper back.

For a moment, we just stand there, holding on to each other like we're the only things keeping each other afloat. I know this isn't the end of the conversation—there's still so much we need to figure out, so much that needs to be said. But for now, for this moment, I just need to be here with him, to feel his arms around me, to remember why we're fighting so hard to make this work.

Because I love him and Ford. And maybe—just maybe—there's a way to make room for Matthew too.