Chapter 34

THIRTY-FOUR

On Friday, Joanna finally got to meet Eliza's social worker.

She'd been in to ITU early again, enjoying the quiet before the other parents arrived. It was better to be here than sitting at home alone.

Sally had called this morning to see how things were going. Joanna had recounted Annabelle's threats after Charlotte's funeral and Sally's anger had matched her own. Today, after three attempts, she'd got her to open up about how things were going at her end, too.

‘Apparently, without me there for the last few days, Harry managed to make an omelette for his breakfast, take the dog out for a walk on his own and make his own way to the shop at the corner – with a list – to buy bread and cheese and a sack load of chocolate that is more than I'd allow him in a month.'

She couldn't discern from Sally's tone how she felt about that. ‘Well, that's good, isn't it?'

She'd practically growled before responding. ‘It's good for Graham. More evidence for his campaign to move Harry out of the house.'

Her anger made it sound like he was dumping the boy on the side of the motorway. ‘Oh, Sally. It's not like that, is it? Graham loves Harry. He wants the best for you. For all of you.'

‘It doesn't feel like that. It feels like he's made up his mind, persuaded Harry that living on his own will be the biggest adventure yet and I'm the bad guy because I just want us to take a breath and think about this before we go steaming ahead.'

‘Oh, love. I know it's hard, but we don't get to hold on to them forever.'

‘I'm not asking for forever. I know that he needs independence but…oh, it doesn't matter.'

‘What? Don't tiptoe around me for goodness' sake. We're best friends, Sally. It doesn't matter what's going on with me, I want to be there for you. Like you always are for me.'

‘I know that, but it's beyond tactless for me to be talking about this when you've just lost Charlotte.'

‘Just tell me how you're feeling.'

She sighed. ‘Okay. I know that we have to let our children go at some point. But it's so much more complicated when they have special needs. The fear is…well, it's paralysing. The world isn't a kind place to the vulnerable.'

They'd been friends since before their children were born. Joanna knew the hurdles and obstacles Sally and Graham had had to overcome on Harry's behalf. ‘I know it's been tough.'

‘And I know that Graham is a great dad. He is. But he's on the train to London at seven in the morning and not home until seven at night. That's not his fault but it means that it's been me who's had to be Harry's voice for so long. I've had to fight the system, fight for school places, fight for his right to have what other people take for granted. I don't know how to step back. I don't know how to let him try it on his own.'

‘But he won't be on his own. You'll still be there. You'll still be his safety net and he knows that.'

‘I'm really scared, Jo.'

Sally was always so strong, so competent. Sometimes they were the people who needed support the most. ‘Of course you are. But you're not doing this on your own.'

There were several sniffs at the other end of the line before Sally replied. ‘Thank you. And you're not on your own, either. Me and Graham are here. Whatever you need.'

Knowing that Sally was there was a huge support, but she couldn't ask her to come right now when she had so much going on herself. Sally needed time to come around to the idea of trusting Harry with himself. And that was hard for any parent.

She'd had a lesson in trust that morning herself. She'd just got back from five minutes with a coffee in the parent room when the machine above Eliza's bed started beeping. Loudly. The number on the screen, which showed her oxygen sats, started to drop from 96 to 95. 94. 93. And still the beep continued. Joanna whirled around to see Jenny glance over at the monitor but continue to give medication to the baby in the far corner.

There was always at least one nurse present on the ward – it was mandatory – but Joanna knew there were other nurses in the vicinity. Why was no one coming? The monitor dropped to 92. ‘Jenny? You have to come. Something's wrong. Can't you hear the beeps?'

Jenny finished what she was doing and strolled over, but she merely watched Eliza. ‘Are you okay, precious?'

Why wasn't she doing anything? The beep from the machine was drilling a hole in Joanna's brain. ‘Can't you help her?'

And then, all of sudden, the machine climbed back up – 93. 94. 95. 96.

Jenny smiled. ‘There you go, clever girl.'

Joanna's lungs were on fire. She wasn't sure if she'd actually breathed for the last few moments. ‘How did you know she was going to be okay?'

‘You need to look at the baby, not the monitor. She needs a chance to sort these things out for herself. Look at her. She did it. Just trust her. If she needs help, we'll know. You can leave that to us.'

She smiled and returned to the other baby. Joanna slid her hand into the crib and stroked Eliza's arm. ‘Please don't scare me like that again.'

Trusting your child – or your grandchild – was easier said than done.

She'd barely recovered from her worry when the social worker arrived to speak to the nurse on the ward. When she came over to meet Eliza, Joanna introduced herself. ‘Hello, I'm Joanna. I'm Charlotte's mum. Eliza's grandmother.'

The social worker was around Joanna's age and wearing navy trousers and a floral top that could do with an iron. When she smiled, the corners of her eyes turned downwards with the weight of the lines around them. Joanna felt tired just looking at her. But her smile was warm. ‘Nice to meet you. I'm Pippa Downes. I'm the case worker assigned to your grandaughter.'

Joanna tried not to flinch at the term ‘case worker' with its associations of neglect. ‘I've been with the baby every day since she was born. I want to look after her. I want her to come to live with me as soon as she's well.'

Pippa rubbed at her right eye. ‘Unfortunately, it's not as straightforward as that. Once I've spoken to the staff here, shall we sit in the parents' room for ten minutes and I can explain it all to you?'

Joanna wanted to stay with Eliza after her scare, but she needed to keep her eye on the bigger picture. ‘Yes. That would be great, thank you.'

The parents' room was pretty bare and functional. Six wooden armchairs arranged around a low coffee table and a mini kitchen, which was really just a kettle, a sink and a random assortment of mugs. Joanna hadn't spent much time in here, but Pippa seemed to be at home. Joanna didn't want to think of all the reasons she would've had to visit premature babies here.

Joanna felt like she should offer her something. ‘Do you want a coffee or tea?'

Pippa grimaced. ‘No thanks. I'd rather drink my own bathwater than that stuff. I'll treat myself to a Costa when I leave later. How much do you already know about how this all works?'

Pippa explained everything clearly, but it was effectively a repeat of what she'd been told by her solicitor. In the absence of anyone with parental responsibility for the child, she would have to speak to all those who wished to apply for special guardianship and then write a report with her recommendations.

Joanna really only had one question. What did she have to do to make sure that Eliza didn't end up in care? ‘What kind of things will you be looking at? How will you decide? How long does it take?'

Pippa held up her hands. ‘It won't just be me that decides. Anyone who wants to look after the child will need to have a report made on them. Police checks take the longest.'

Police checks? ‘What will they be?'

‘Well, we'll need to make sure you don't have a criminal record.'

She smiled at Joanna as if that was outside the realms of belief. She knew she was clean in that department, but she wasn't so sure about Freddie or Annabelle. ‘So that would definitely rule someone out of it?'

The social worker faltered for a moment. ‘Like I say, it would all form part of a report.'

Joanna fished her phone from her bag and opened the notes app to keep a list of these. ‘What else?'

‘Finances.'

That was more of a worry. She thought about the calls from the bank. ‘What level of…income would you need?'

‘That's not a question I can answer. But in all these areas, we just need to make sure that baby is being looked after in the best possible environment.' Pippa softened her voice. ‘She's already lost her mother. We need to make sure that she is with a family who can provide everything she needs.'

A family. That made it sound as if they were already considering sending her away. ‘But I'm her family. I'm her grandmother.'

Pippa stood to get back to the ward. ‘It's still very early days. This will be a long process. At the moment, I'm just here to check on her. We need to get the birth registered.' Her voice softened. ‘Do you know if your daughter had a name picked out for her?'

Joanna got up, too, seeing again Freddie's face in that room at the crematorium. ‘Eliza. She wanted to call her Eliza.'

‘Then that's what we'll go with for now. I'll be checking in regularly to see how Eliza is doing. Obviously, we'll need to know the level of care she'll need, too.'

Joanna frowned. ‘What do you mean, level of care?'

Pippa glanced at her watch. ‘Well, she's a very premature baby. Sometimes there are complications later on. We'll need to make sure she's placed with someone who can best look after her.'

Complications? Placed? Joanna's mouth was so dry, it was difficult to swallow. She should've made a cup of that dishwater coffee. ‘But the doctors have said that Eliza is fine. That she just needs time to grow.'

Pippa's smile was that of a professional who just wanted to leave and get to their next case. ‘That's great. Hopefully, it'll stay that way. As I'm sure you know, there are other parties who may apply for guardianship, but I'll keep you notified and speak to you soon.'

Once Pippa had gone, Joanna sank back down onto the chair, thankful that no one else needed to be in here right now. Grief for the past and worry for the future were competing for room in her head. Even though her solicitor had warned her that there was no guarantee she would be chosen as Eliza's guardian, she had hoped that – once she met the social worker – they would see that she was the obvious choice. In the absence of a mother or father, who better to look after a child than her maternal grandmother?

But there were no guarantees in any of this. DC Lineham couldn't guarantee that Freddie would be prosecuted for Charlotte's death, or that he'd even done it. Joanna couldn't guarantee that she would be found financially stable enough to look after Eliza. And, from the look on the social worker's face and her scare with Eliza this afternoon, her continued health wasn't even a guarantee.

She needed to think. What did she have to do?

There were three phone calls that she needed to make.

One. To her solicitor to make sure that she was ready to apply for Eliza's guardianship.

Two. To an estate agent to put the house on the market and sell it. Her history, her memories there were totally unimportant – all she needed was a house good enough for the baby.

And three. To Rachael to ask if she or Lucy had any idea where to find this friend of Freddie's. The elusive Dominic. She had a scratch of a suspicion that he might be the key to finding out whether Freddie had hurt Charlotte or not. And the answer to that question was the key to all the others.