Chapter 21

TWENTY-ONE

Joanna ran through the corridors, her breath tearing through her body. Either side of her, a sea of faces turned to watch her go. Her legs wobbled beneath her but she needed to get there, she needed to get to her baby.

When she got closer to Charlotte's ward, she saw Sally pacing the corridor. Sally opened her mouth to speak but Joanna didn't have time. She pushed open the doors into the ward and kept going. Nausea threatened. She wanted to bend and empty the contents of her stomach onto the floor. But she kept going, kept going. Rushing, running, stumbling. Legs faltering, hands shaking, breath coming in short jagged bursts. Charlotte? Did she call that aloud? Charlotte, I'm coming. Mummy's coming. Wait for me. Wait. I'm coming. I'm coming.

Rounding a corner, a medication trolley caught her hip a glancing blow and the pain shot through her. Still, she didn't stop. It was nothing to the pain lying in wait for her in that hospital room.

But when she got there, the room was empty.

She caught a nurse on his way to another bed. ‘Where is she? Where have they taken Charlotte?'

Recognition dawned on his face as he realised who she was. ‘They had to take her down to surgery. Do you want me to find someone to talk to you?'

No, she wanted to go to her daughter, but what choice did she have? ‘Yes. Quickly. Please be quick. Yes.'

As soon as he'd left the room, she bent double, hands on her thighs. Her vision blurred as the blood rushed to her head. Why had she left the room? Was this the last time she could see her daughter?

A nurse she knew came back with the first nurse. ‘Joanna? I didn't expect you to get here this fast.'

Joanna's heart was beating so loudly in her ears and her breath was coming so quickly that it was difficult to talk. ‘I was nearby. Where is she? Can I see her?'

The nurse nodded to the first nurse as if to excuse him leaving. ‘Shall we sit down?'

No. She didn't want to sit down. ‘Can I go to her?'

The nurse's face was full of sympathy. ‘Not right now. Please, sit down before I have to find a bed for you.'

Reluctantly, she sank onto the chair she was offered, her legs like jelly on a paper plate. ‘Where is she?'

The nurse sat opposite her and leaned forwards. ‘The baby's heart rate dropped. It was an emergency. They're performing the C-section now.'

She felt sick. Not nauseous. She put a hand over her mouth for fear that she might actually throw up on the floor right here.

The nurse continued. ‘The plan was always to keep the baby in the womb as long as it was continuing to thrive. The doctor thinks that we've got to the point where the baby has a better chance outside of the womb.'

A better chance? Chance? ‘Does he think the baby will be okay?'

The nurse reached out and took the hand that was clutching at the fabric of her dress. ‘The baby is nearly twenty-nine weeks. Charlotte has given them a great start.'

A sobbed escaped from under the hand over Joanna's mouth. ‘How long will it take?'

‘I can't give you an exact time. But it should be soon.'

‘And will we know straight away if the baby is okay?'

‘As soon as we know anything, we'll tell you.'

And then the question that she didn't want to ask. ‘And what about Charlotte? What will happen to her?'

The nurse looked at her carefully, as if judging how much she could take. ‘You know that Charlotte has gone. That her brain injury meant she can no longer support her own life.'

She knew that's what the doctors had said. But they didn't know her daughter. Didn't know the tiny hope in Joanna's heart that Charlotte would prove them wrong. ‘But what will they do once the baby is delivered? Will they take away her life support?'

The nurse swallowed. Joanna didn't envy her the conversations like this that she must have to have on a regular basis. ‘No. They will bring her back to the ward and then you'll be able to say goodbye.'

Joanna couldn't look at her any longer. She needed to be alone. ‘Where can I wait?'

‘Wherever is best for you. We'll call you as soon as they're out of surgery. You can use our relatives' room or?—'

Joanna shook her head. She didn't want to go in a room like that ever again. ‘No. My friend is outside. We'll find somewhere. But you promise you'll call me? As soon as they're out?'

The nurse nodded. ‘I promise.'

Sally was waiting for her outside the ward. ‘I'm sorry. I didn't know whether to follow you in or stay out here. What's happening?'

Having to say it out loud made it all the more real. ‘They've taken her down to theatre. The baby. They need to…'

Her voice dissolved into sobs. She couldn't say it. Thankfully, she didn't need to. Sally took her into her arms and held her as she cried.

Holding her tight, Sally spoke into her hair. ‘The baby is nearly twenty-nine weeks. Most babies are okay if they're born at twenty-nine weeks. I've been reading about it.'

But it wasn't the baby that Joanna was thinking about. There was her other, secret hope, that Charlotte would shock them all and wake up. It didn't matter what anyone told her, she'd wouldn't give up hoping until there was no hope left. If she didn't hope, she would fall back down into the abyss. And – this time – she might not be able to climb out again.

Sally gave her another squeeze then held her at arms' length and looked deep into her eyes. ‘Come on, let's go and wash our faces and then let me buy you a coffee while we wait.'

‘You were going to go home and see Graham. You need to sort everything out.'

‘I'll call Graham in a while. He'll be fine.'

All the way to the coffee shop, they walked in silence. Neither of them knew what to say. Passing a trio of young nurses, two of them laughing at whatever the third was saying, Joanna wanted to tell them to make the most of every minute of life.

At this time of day, the coffee shop was full of visitors and patients and hospital staff on their break or at the end of a shift. She couldn't bear to sit among them staring into space. She pointed out the one free table to Sally. ‘You go and sit down. I'll get the drinks. It'll give me something to do.'

The air was full of voices and rattling crockery, the hiss of the coffee machine and the call of the barista delivering the drinks to those waiting. For once, she wasn't bothered about the long queue, which snaked almost to the entrance. In fact, she would happily let people in front of her, and stay in that line forever. Because, all the time she was here, Charlotte was still in the world, the baby was okay and she didn't have to face a life without her in it.

She was two people behind the person being served when her phone rang in her hand. It was a hospital number. With a trembling finger, she pressed the screen to take the call.