Chapter 31

Chapter 31

Valentina

You can’t force feelings to exist any more than you can force them to go away.

My study group get-together tonight was fun, and I was glad I’d decided to stop sulking long enough to go after all.

Allison hadn’t been able to find a full-time, tenure-track position, so she took a job as a district-wide permanent sub. Basically, she played sit-down-and-shut-up for six, forty-two-minute periods a day. She wasn’t thrilled, but supposedly an Italian teacher in her district was retiring at the end of the year, and she’d have a foot in the door for that. Desiree had taken a three-month maternity leave replacement. It seemed Mark and I had been lucky to get full-time spots with benefits for the year.

I’d taken the train to the restaurant so I could have a glass of wine or two, and after dinner, Mark offered to give me a lift home. My house was pretty much on his way, so it felt weird to say no.

When we pulled up in front of my house, he put the car into park and turned to face me. “Tonight was fun. I’m glad you decided to come.”

I smiled. “Me, too.”

He caught my gaze. “So…things with you and young blood ended?

I swallowed. “Yeah.”

Mark’s nodded. “You seemed happy with him.”

“I was.”

He nodded and looked away for a minute. “If things don’t work out with him, I’d love to take you out…as friends…or more.”

It seemed like an odd way to phrase it…if things don’t work out with him…after I’d just acknowledged we broke up. Mark saw the confusion on my face.

He lifted his chin toward my house. “Not sure he got the memo you broke up.”

I didn’t understand, but turned to look where Mark had been motioning. My heart skipped a beat.

Oh my God.

Ford.

He was sitting on my front porch in the dark.

“I…I…wasn’t expecting him.”

“I can see that. Are you going to be okay?”

Physically, yes. Mentally, probably not. “Umm…yeah…sure.”

I wanted to get out of the car, but I couldn’t seem to figure out how to move.

Luckily, Mark was a gentleman. While I sat there staring at the man sitting in front of my house, he got out and walked around to the passenger side and opened my door. Extending a hand, he helped me out of the car. Though my feet still didn’t move.

Mark smiled sadly. “I’d give you a kiss on the cheek, but I have a feeling that might get my teeth knocked out. So I’m going to just say goodnight. Do you want me to walk you to the door?”

“Ummm… No. I’m good.” I took a few hesitant steps and turned back. “Mark?”

He looked up.

“Thank you for being such a good friend.”

He gave a resigned nod. “Anytime, Val. Anytime.”

Somehow I managed to put one foot in front of the other while Mark pulled away. Ford stood when I got to the steps.

“Hey.” His voice was raspy, and he looked a little disheveled, but God, he was so damn handsome. Any waning emotions I felt over losing him came barreling back. My pulse started to race full speed ahead just being near him, yet my mind was screaming Run the other way! He had such an intense, magnetic pull over me that it was like fighting gravity.

“What are you doing here?”

He looked down, and I thought it was an act of shame. Oh my God. Is this a booty call?

“Can we…go inside?”

My emotions were jumping all over the place. One minute I felt hope and warmth, and the next I was angry and cold.

I walked up the stairs, brushing past him. “Go to a bar, Ford. I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding someone to go home with for the night.”

“What? No.” He reached out and grabbed my arm. “That’s…that’s not why I’m here.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I meant, could we go inside to talk?”

I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but sincerity. And maybe a little fear. I nodded. “Okay. Come on in.”

My keys jingled in my hand, shaking as I dug them out of my purse and opened the lock. Ford followed me in.

I pointed to the living room. “Just give me a minute. I’ll be right out.”

I took off my coat and hung it up, then headed straight to the bathroom. I needed a minute to get my head screwed on straight. Though five solid minutes didn’t even begin to do that, so I went back out just as discombobulated as I’d been when I walked in.

“Do you want something to drink?” I certainly needed something.

Ford shook his head. “No, thanks.”

I went to the kitchen and poured a very full glass of wine.

“Your house is really nice. I like the lampshades.”

That made me smile. He’d picked the one thing Ryan hated most. “Thank you. I forgot you’ve never been here.”

Ford was sitting on the chair, so I took a seat across from him on the couch. His elbows were on his knees, and his head was in his hands. I’d initially thought the disheveled look was because he was drunk, but now I could see it was stress.

“Is everything okay?”

He shook his head. “No.”

Oh God. I felt that freeze of panic. “Is Bella okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah, yeah. She’s fine. Everyone is fine.”

“Okay…”

He continued to stare down at the floor for the longest time before looking up into my eyes. “Actually, that’s a lie. Everyone isn’t fine. I’m a fucking disaster.”

I set my wine on the table. “What’s going on? You’re making me nervous.”

He shook his head. “I’m sorry.” After a minute, he got up and moved to the couch next to me. He took one of my hands in his.

I attempted to hide the jolt his touch sent through my body by staring down at our joined hands.

Eventually, Ford put two fingers under my chin and lifted so our eyes met. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Just say whatever is on your mind.”

The two fingers he’d used to lift my chin were still resting beneath it. His thumb reached up and stroked my cheek, tenderly. “I’ve missed you so much.”

I closed my eyes. I wanted to hear those words more than anything, but I was afraid to believe they meant more than they did. The last month had been so hard, and I didn’t want to go backwards.

Ford squeezed my hand. “When I went to Chicago, I found out my father had been having an affair.”

“What? How?”

“It’s a long story, but basically, the real estate agent mentioned a few things that didn’t add up—like meeting my mom a few times when I knew she’d never been to Chicago.” He shrugged. “I followed a trail and wound up face to face with a woman my father had been with for years.”

My forehead wrinkled. “But that doesn’t make any sense. Your parents were the happiest people I knew. They were so in love.”

He nodded and let out a hefty sigh. ‘That’s what I thought, too. But apparently, my father had some sort of midlife crisis—thought he was missing out on something better since he didn’t know what else was out there. He’d been with my mom since high school.”

We fell silent. I needed to let what he’d said sink in. It seemed unimaginable that either of his happy parents had cheated. But I suppose some people would have said the same thing about my marriage.

“Are you sure?”

He shrugged. “She admitted it. It went on for years.”

While the news was mind-blowing, I had to wonder why he hadn’t told me before now. Of course Ryan had been home when Ford returned from his trip, but we’d spent that last night together and had plenty of time to talk.

Then it hit me, the words he’d used. Things started to click into place.

My dad thought he was missing out on something better since he didn’t know what else was out there. They’d been together since high school.

I’d been telling Ford all summer how I needed to experience life because I didn’t know what else was out there. Finding out about his father must’ve made him think the same thing would happen between us if we didn’t separate.

I looked up into his sad eyes. “I didn’t want things to end. I tried to tell you that on our last night together.”

He nodded. “I know. But I thought that was how it had to be. Thought maybe next summer…after you’d had some time.”

“You wanted me to date until next summer?”

He scoffed. “Fuck, no. But I thought that was the way it had to be…what was best for you.”

I shook my head, afraid to ask the question. “And now? Do you still think that’s the way it has to be?”

“It probably should be.” He paused for a long time and then looked so deeply into my eyes, I felt him inside of me. “But I’m so damn in love with you, I just can’t.”

Tears filled my eyes. “You love me?”

“I loved you almost from the beginning. It just took me a while to admit it to myself because you were so sure we shouldn’t be together.”

“I was afraid to get hurt again. I thought if we physically stayed apart, my heart wouldn’t get broken. But being physically separated doesn’t mean your heart can let go.”

Ford took a deep breath in and seemed to brace himself. “Are you and Mark…together?”

I shook my head. “No. Not at all. I went to dinner with him, Allison, and Desiree. He just gave me a ride home.”

“And the guy the other night?”

“What guy?”

“The one Eve posted on Instagram?”

“That’s her weekend manager. It was taken a year or two ago on his birthday, and we’d just sung to him after the restaurant closed. He’s happily married with four daughters. I don’t even know why she posted it the other day. It was so random.”

Ford let out a long whoosh of air and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’ve been a wreck ever since you reactivated your Match.com profile.”

I furrowed my brow. “I didn’t reactivate my profile.”

“No?”

“I haven’t signed on since before the summer.”

It hit me that I wasn’t the only one with access to that account. Eve had set it up. A reactivated profile, posting a picture of me on Instagram smiling while sitting next to another man…something told me those weren’t a coincidence. I started to laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“You, jealous.”

His brows rose. “You think me going out of my mind is funny?”

“I do. It serves you right for dumping me. I’m thinking I should go out on a few dates and post a pictorial on Instagram just for you.”

Ford’s jaw clenched, but he also had to work to hide a smirk. He leaned forward, bent me over his shoulder, and lifted, flipping me onto my back in some stealth move.

Hovering over me, he pushed a stray hair from my face. “Can we pick up where we left off?”

“You mean sneaking around like teenagers and hiding from my son and your sister?”

He rubbed his nose with mine. “No, I mean falling more in love.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think I can, Ford.”

His face dropped, and the pain in his eyes was truly real. I couldn’t hurt him like that, even after what he’d put me through.

Reaching up, I stroked his cheek. “I can’t because I’m not sure it’s possible to fall more in love with you.”

His chin dropped to his chest, and he let out a deep, low chuckle. “You’re going to make me pay for a long time, aren’t you?”

I grinned. “Oh yeah.”

Ford pressed his lips to mine. A warmth that had been missing since the summer immediately spread through my body. God, I’d missed him so much.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I should have never walked away. I thought if I let you go, if you came back, you would be mine for good.”

“When someone is already inside of you, you can’t just let go of their heart. The only way to disconnect is to break it.”

“Yeah. I know that now. Do you remember when you asked me if it was possible to have the right feelings at the wrong time?”

I nodded. “I was terrified back then.”

“We both were, just at different times. The truth is, you can never have the right feelings at the wrong time, because there is never a wrong time for the right person.”

I looked into his eyes. “Let’s stop running away from each other.”

Ford rested his forehead to mine. “I freaking love you, Valentina. I love how you have no rhythm, but it doesn’t stop you from dancing. I love how you sneeze when you’re nervous and still try to hide that you are. I love the little sound you make when you come, and that you give yourself so completely to me that you don’t even know you make it. I love that you went back to school and want to go after all the things you didn’t get to do. But most of all, I love you because I have to…I can’t not love you. I tried, and it’s physically impossible.”

“God, Ford. I love you, too. And I want the whole world to know it. Including my son.”

“Good. I’ll give you a hand in passing out the message.” He took hold of my waist, and suddenly I was in the air and plopped back down on his lap, straddling him. “I’ll start by telling the guy who dropped you off.”