CHAPTER 13

“Hoax” – Taylor Swift

AS I’M PLANNING MY DAY the next morning, Georgia calls me and within the first fifteen seconds asks, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I tell her. “What do you mean?”

I guess being best friends for almost ten years makes you a mind reader at this point.

“You sound a little down,” she says.

“No I’m happy,” I try to convince. “Real Madrid won yesterday.”

“ Okay , but you also don’t sound too happy about something else,” she points out. “Did something happen with Luca?”

“Why would you just assume it’s about Luca?” I hear silence through the other end of my phone, and sigh at how predictable I keep sounding. “Fine. It’s about him.”

“What happened?”

“The subject of breakups came up, and I told him how I wish I’d experienced heartbreak rather than no love at all. He interrupted me and then basically told me I’ve never experienced any of it and shouldn’t have an opinion.”

“Wait. He said that?” Georgia asks, surprised.

“Yeah, I’m still shocked. Especially by the way he cut me off like that. But I don’t think that’s the worst part. It was the exact way he worded it, and more so how he said it. How he looked at me when he said it…” I trail off. “He did apologize though.”

“Okay, not to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I feel like there’s a lot more that I’d need to know about the conversation to see why he’d say that to you and in the way that you’re saying. Obviously interrupting you wasn’t cool though.”

“It sounded like a dig. Like he was looking down on me almost.”

“I don’t know, you’ve spoken pretty highly of him so far besides your side comments calling him annoying that also led to you continuing to compliment him.”

“He made me feel every insecurity that I have about pretty much most of my life. Even if that’s not what he was trying to do.” Just talking about this out loud is hurting me all over again.

Georgia’s voice softens. “I understand.”

“I know he’s not wrong. I’ve pretty much said similar things about myself to him so far. But when someone else says something to you that you know is true it feels different. It hurts coming from the other person.” I almost choke on my next words. “Especially when you realize you’re starting to like them.”

She pauses, knowing right now is not the best time to delve into my sudden confession. “Maybe you triggered something in him the way that he triggered something in you. Not that that makes it okay. I’m just wondering.”

“I thought the same,” I admit. “But whatever it is he’s not telling me. ”

“You can’t expect him to though,” she reasons.

“Yeah,” I say, “but he knows so much about me now.”

“That doesn’t mean he owes you the same.”

I know she’s right. I just wish things were different. “I know, I’m still hurt by it though,” I reply. “Even if some of it is irrational.”

“I don’t think you getting this upset is irrational, but maybe projecting that onto him isn’t really fair.” After a moment of silence, she asks, “Did he sound sincere? With his apology.”

“Yeah,” I mutter, feeling guilty for how genuine Luca did sound, and how I dismissed it so hastily.

“Well if he tries to again, I’d hear him out,” she recommends.

“Thanks, Georgia,” I say, now wishing I had just spoken with her first.

“No problem. Maybe spend the day alone. Give yourself some space away from both of them.”

Feeling proud of myself for coming to this conclusion before she brought it up, I reply, “I was actually already planning on it.”

_________

I’m not used to doing things alone. Especially not exploring the streets of a city thousands of miles away from home. Yet with every shop that I go to and each pastry that I try, I feel more and more at ease.

When I hear the soothing melody of the Spanish guitar again on the corner by the fountain I’m relaxing by, I almost forget that I still don’t have a dress for the party we’re going to tonight. Turns out that I’m invited to the same one that Enrique and Luca’s friend throws every summer.

I wasn’t aware how fancy it was going to be until Sofia texted me what she’s wearing. After visiting at least five different boutiques, I finally managed to find something to my liking, a silver dress covered in sequins.

As I’m about to head back to the resort, I stumble upon a charming gift shop that’s filled with stationaries, cookbooks, and unique souvenirs. It feels like I’ve been here before though, and that probably has something to do with the fact that it reminds me of those book fairs I was thoroughly obsessed with growing up.

Admiring the shelves filled with bookmarks, beads, journals, among many other pieces of stationary, an older lady sitting behind the register welcomes me with a tender smile. As I wander the shop, I feel her eyes following me. I momentarily wonder if I’ve done something wrong, but each time I look up, she’s giving me the same kind, if not somewhat curious, expression. She then exchanges a few Spanish words with the younger woman standing alongside her.

“She’s wondering if you’re okay,” the younger woman says, and it only takes me a moment to realize her attention is directed toward me.

I’m startled at this observation. Do I really look that tense?

“Yeah, I’m okay,” I say.

I don’t feel as stressed. But she must sense my underlying nerves, so I clarify, “I’m just a little confused about some things going on with these two guys.”

The younger woman whispers to the older lady and then tells me, “She says ‘ Two? Good for you .’” They both chuckle together.

I feel my cheeks immediately blush. “No! It’s not like that.” Although I’m not so sure that I even know what it is myself.

“We’re only teasing,” she clarifies. “She meant that she was supporting the idea.”

Now that I’ve confided in Luca about a ton of things that maybe I shouldn’t have, hearing a woman’s perspective outside of Georgia’s wouldn’t hurt. “How can you tell if a guy likes you?” I ask. “Like, really likes you.”

After a minute of suspense, the younger woman translates, “Her advice is notice how he talks about you. How does he describe your eyes, for example?”

How he describes your eyes? It’s an interesting comment. But it’s also a little unusual.

“I’ve never really heard that before,” I admit with a grin. “Thank you.”

_________

I continue to ponder her words until I get back to my suite, realizing how I should have spent a day by myself sooner. I feel lighter about everything. Calmer , even.

That is, until I get to the lobby hours later, ready to leave for the party, and immediately find Luca.

Shit.

It’s like everything I just said turns obsolete as soon as I see him.

It’s not his grey shirt that resembles the same beguiling shade of the flecks in his eyes. It’s not the fact that his black trousers are slightly looser, making him look even more effortlessly cool than he already does. It’s not even his scent that only grows more consuming the closer I’m walking toward him.

It’s the way his eyes almost sink through mine no matter how far I catch them from. They lure me in, but bring me this fullness that I can’t seem to look away from, even when I’m at my most vulnerable.

It’s fine, I tell myself. I can just admire him from afar .

Once I’m close enough for him to notice me as well, he looks up so smoothly, yet there’s still some nervousness and regret in his eyes. “That’s a nice dress.”

He just has to say shit like that.

And my cheeks have to still flush. “Thanks,” I say.

I’m not sure if Enrique just got here, but when I turn around he’s on his phone, dressed similarly, but with a white shirt instead.

While Luca drives, he and Enrique share a story about one of their friends. It must be funny, considering how they’re both laughing for the majority of the ride there. Yet I’m a bit preoccupied. It dawns on me how the two guys I’m in the car with have consumed my thoughts and feelings for the past week. But in very different ways.

Thankfully, my attention is turned elsewhere when we reach a long and narrow pathway that leads to a variety of impressive villas. And of course the party is literally at a mansion.

I think out loud, “Shit. This place could also be a resort.”

“Wait until you see the backyard,” Enrique says, while he and Luca bring a few paper bags from the trunk.

“Do you need me to carry anything?” I offer.

Luca replies, “No, we’re good. It’s just some drinks.”

It’s a relief how they didn’t need my help since as soon as we get inside I almost trip over my 4-inch heels. Everyone’s attractive. Everyone’s mingling. And everyone’s dressed immaculately, with the most glimmering outfits I’ve probably seen in person. Which is why as I bump into someone every two steps, the clueless expression on my face must only exacerbate, I’m sure.

If I could have gone to a party from The Great Gatsby , this is how grand I’d imagine it to feel like.

Suddenly I feel a little underdressed even in my silver sequin ensemble .

As if it’s not all overwhelming enough, I quite literally gasp when I spot the pool. My attention feels all over the place as I try to take in the glamour surrounding me. Enrique immediately starts introducing me to his friends, while Luca goes to set up the drinks they brought.

Then Enrique offers me a beer, and I eagerly accept. “Thanks.”

After taking a sip, I’m surprised at how much I like the taste, and more importantly as to why it reminds me so much of something else that I’ve had before.

Enrique must read my pleased expression. “It’s ginger beer.”

My eyes light up. “I love ginger beer.”

“Luca brought it. Said you didn’t like drinking that much. Is that true?” He tilts his head a bit quizzically as if wondering why I didn’t tell him this fact.

I should respond to his question. But the first thought that pops into my head is, why did Luca do that? An all too familiar warmth fills my entire body at his gesture.

Trying to avoid the fact that I’m also feeling somewhat embarrassed that Enrique found out about something so silly like this through his friend, I say, “Yeah. I don’t mind it. It’s just not my favorite.” It’s not lost on me that my response to Luca about alcohol was far less sugarcoated.

He takes a sip of his beer, then gives a slight grin. “I was a little worried that you two wouldn’t get along at first, but it seems like you’ve gotten close.”

This is the first time Enrique brings up Luca in a way that could imply that he senses something more than platonic happening between us. But whatever it is, it’s pretty one-sided, and that’s not worth giving up the potential that we still have .

So I shake my head. “I don’t know about that. I barely know anything about him.” Or maybe it seems this way since no matter how much I learn about Luca, I want to know more .

Enrique smiles. But there’s a bit of hesitation in his expression.

When one of his friends comes over, my body language is focused on our conversation, but my mind is annoyingly focused on Luca.

It’s hard to concentrate on anything other than the two women that have his full attention right now. Then I wonder, why is it that there’s always two women with Luca at all times?

One of them is holding onto his shoulder, while the other is so close to his face that they might as well be kissing already.

I remind myself two crucial things: he’s single, and can do whatever he wants.

And jealousy is not cute on you, Jasmine.

The audacity that this man has, though…

Buying me a non-alcoholic beverage, knowing it would make me happy, and then flaunting his sex appeal to other women at the party right in front of my face. I’m more frustrated at myself for getting sucked back into the idea of him when I damn well know it’ll never happen.

This is all probably just the ginger beer talking.

After meeting pretty much most of their friend group, I walk near the ping pong table, and then smile to myself at the sound of the ball clicking and clacking against the hard surface.

My body actually jumps when Luca’s voice vibrates near my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. “What’s so funny?” He’s doing that thing where his lips aren’t even slightly curved, and yet his eyes are still smiling somehow, cascading another shiver across my skin .

I then try to avoid how distracted I am by the top two buttons on his shirt that are now unbuttoned. “Do you know ‘The Ping Pong Song’ by Enrique Iglesias?” I say.

“‘Dímelo?’” he refers to the Spanish title of the song, and my body is humming from hearing his Spanish again.

“Yes!” I confirm. “I love that song.”

“Only you would think of that song right now.” He smiles, while stroking his jaw. “So would you say this is also fate?”

“What else am I supposed to do with all these signs?”

“Stop.”

“Stop?”

“You know. Like a stop sign,” he exaggerates with his hands.

I don’t know why I laugh, but I do. And loudly . “That was one of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard in my entire life.”

He scoffs. “I don’t have time to listen to your poor taste in humor.”

I look into his eyes and tease, “Come to think of it, it’s actually the worst one.”

He bites down on his smile, and walks around the table before picking up a paddle. Without thought, I walk toward the opposite end of the table. I pick up my paddle, while trying not to glare at how firm his grip is now wrapped around the handle.

Luca’s voice reminds me to look back up at him. “I don’t know if I should be playing you.”

Trying to blink through my still fuzzy vision, I push my hair back. “I mean, you’ve done a pretty good job at that so far,” I taunt, wondering where my daring words are coming from without having an actual beer.

He straightens his back. “ What ?”

“What?” I try to play it off, adding, “Can’t handle a bit of trash talk? ”

He smirks, before throwing the first serve, and strongly , as I almost flinch. I surprise myself and successfully throw it back, scoring my first point.

“I think the better question would be, are you sure you want to play me ?” I gloat.

“So now you’re just rephrasing my questions back to me, huh?” he teases.

Feeling warmer, but also wondering if maybe I did just repeat the same question, I throw the ball in the air, but when I go to hit it with my paddle, the ball just falls down.

To be fair, Luca just fucked up my momentum. Of course he then bursts into laugher, looking at me like this is too simple for him.

“Laugh all you want,” I say. “I may not be the best at something the first few, maybe at least 10 times, but when I get good at something, watch out .”

He rests his weight onto the table, and I just know if his sleeves were rolled up a bit more, that his defined veins would probably have made my aim somehow even more atrocious.

Then his eyes grow darker. “I’m already scared.”

There is no reason for him to have said those words that seductively, but here we are .

Cutting our game short, another woman approaches Luca with such a wide grin, and he looks just as excited to see her as well. He glances back at me first and politely says, “Excuse me.”

He just had to have manners on top of everything else. It’s hard not to watch as she cups his face before they enthusiastically exchange kisses on each other’s cheeks. And I swear it feels like they’ve been talking to each other for at least an hour. When it’s probably just been two minutes .

As they say goodbye, I notice a group of people heading toward the front door. I go up to Luca and ask, “Where’s everyone going?”

He asks one of his friends, who I recognize from when we first went surfing together, before he explains to me, “They’re going to this waterfall nearby.”

After giving him a few moments to initiate with no luck, I ask, “ Well? Aren’t we gonna go?”

“You want to go?” he asks with brows slightly raised.

“Yes,” I say casually.

His chest relaxes a little. “Okay,” he agrees skeptically. “Let’s go.”

I glance over at Enrique, who’s beaming with his friends and noticeably drunk now. If his friends come in Luca’s car with us, I wonder if Enrique will sit with me in the back. Maybe I sound irrational, but the idea of being pressed closely against him like this is making me squirm a little.

So I suggest, “Maybe we should just go together then?”

Luca glances at me for a second. “Yeah, we can go together,” he replies apprehensively, while I breathe a sigh of relief at how he must notice the way I’m still anxiously looking at Enrique.

Luca then walks to their group, and when he comes back lets me know how one of their friends who’s sober is going to drive them.

Once we’re in his car, I relax into the comfy seat, but frown when I open my phone. “Ugh. Really?”

“What?” he asks.

“I wanted to play music,” I say. “But I just checked my battery, and I’m probably better off saving it.”

“Here.” Luca hands me his phone. “You can use mine. ”

“Are you sure?” I ask, surprised at his offer. If I were to create a list of things that showcases someone’s vulnerability, I’d assume that sharing music would be pretty high up there.

“Yeah,” he replies, his lips curving into a smirk. “But before you get mad at me, I have Spotify Premium.”

Wondering if he’ll ever forget about my comment about the streaming service, I say, “The only thing I’d get mad at you for is thinking that Spotify is better than Apple Music.” He chuckles, while I search through the app, fascinated by the countless options. Noting our strong mutual interest in music, I voice, “I think you might even have more playlists than me.”

“Why did I have a feeling that that’s the first place you’d go?” he says.

“I think you know how nosy I am by now. But you still gave me the opportunity. Too late to take it back now.”

“My heart’s beating really fast.” And now mine is after hearing him say that. But then he just laughs. “I hope I don’t regret this.”

As I’m about to press shuffle on the playlist I selected, I say, “I love how creative your playlist titles are. Like this one could have easily been ‘nighttime,’ but instead you called it ‘space.’”

“That’s not the space that you’re thinking of,” Luca clarifies. “It’s more like the one you need from another person.”

I snort. “God, you’re so cryptic. It’s hilarious.”

“What?” He glances at me, his cheeks noticeably flushed. “It could be both.”

“Whatever you say,” I reply. Once the opening note of the first song plays, my reaction makes him jolt, now for the second time while he’s driving. “Are you serious?! ‘Creatures in Heaven’ is one of my favorite songs right now. You listen to Glass Animals?”

“I don’t. Which is why they’re on my playlist.” When I roll my eyes, he says, “Yeah, they’re one of my favorite bands. ”

“Thanks to an Apple Music playlist,” I exaggerate, “I revisited their music earlier this year and have been listening to their stuff ever since.”

“Finding new music randomly is the best feeling,” Luca replies, grinning. It’s nice sitting in the passenger seat again, since it means that I can observe his more nuanced features that I otherwise couldn’t without him noticing. As I’m drawn to the small freckles on the side of his neck, I hear him add, “I’ve realized that some of my favorite songs were introduced to me in the strangest ways.”

I guess, “Like the suggested videos that would pop up on the side of the screen, while watching YouTube tutorials at 4 am for a test that you had at 8 am?”

His jaw drops obnoxiously. “How did you know?”

While chuckling, I notice how Laufey’s “From The Start” has started playing and eagerly sit up. “Okay, I love this song.”

He smiles. “You can never go wrong with Laufey.”

“Seriously,” I say. “Do you know how to play any of her songs?”

“Just a few chords of ‘Bewitched,’” he says.

“Ooh ‘Bewitched’ is stunning! I bet it sounds magical on the guitar,” I reply, now desperately wanting to hear him play the melody.

“It was a nice surprise,” he says. “I just think her voice is perfection.” As if his remarks aren’t striking enough, Luca glances over at me as we approach a stop sign with a sparkle lighting up his eyes. “Have you ever fallen in love with someone’s voice while listening to a song? Like just closed your eyes, not even listened to the lyrics or the melodies, just the person’s voice.”

Woah. Where did that come from ?

Everything Luca’s said about relationships hasn’t sounded even remotely romantic so far. But he looks pretty starry-eyed to me right now.

I also strongly resonate with his sentiment, so I admit, “I’ve felt that way when listening to songs, but also just with people’s speaking voices.”

His eyes smile. “It’s interesting how nuanced falling for someone can be like.”

Okay. I’m definitely hallucinating now.

It’s a good thing he’s driving again, since my eyes are probably glued wide open at the moment.

I didn’t think anything else could make me more shocked than I am by him, until my favorite Vance Joy song comes on next. With brows raised, I say, “How are you doing this?”

“Doing what?” He grins amusedly yet cluelessly.

“Compiling all of my favorite songs together,” I explain. “I have a feeling your ‘space’ playlist will be my favorite without even hearing the others.” Although now I want to hear them all. Then grow momentarily sad at the thought of never getting to.

“I remember years ago thinking how this was one of the best ballads I’d ever heard,” Luca shares, “and I still think that to this day.”

“I’m personally not the biggest fan of ballads, but there’s just something about this one that I adore. It’s funny though, my best friend’s name is Georgia,” I add, referring to the title of the track that’s playing. “She really wanted to come to Spain with me, but she’s working.”

His smile drops a bit. “I’m sorry. That’s disappointing. I know trips can be a lot more fun when you go with your friends. Is she the same friend that you mentioned before? ”

He remembers that? Surprised by his memory again, I confirm, “Yes, the same one. She’d love it here. She’s also not the most athletic person like me, but I know she would have really enjoyed all the architecture and food.”

“Does she also think that every little thing is fate?” Luca asks, glancing over for a moment.

I roll my eyes. “Actually, we’re not that similar, which makes sense why she thinks you’re funny.”

Fuck. That last part was supposed to stay in my head.

He tries to bite down on his smirk. “You’ve talked to her about me?”

“I might have mentioned a thing or two,” I say coyly.

He raises his brows. “A thing or two?” I don’t like how arrogantly he asks that.

I also love it.

“I’ve told her about all of you,” I add nonchalantly.

“So she also knows about everyone else’s sense of humor?” he asks, his confidence only building.

“Not sure. You’d have to ask her,” I say, flustered.

Before he has the chance to ask anything else, I look over the rest of the tracks on the same playlist, and choose the song he told me was his recent favorite from Taylor Swift. “I don’t think that I’ve ever listened to ‘Hoax’ in the car at night before,” I admit.

Once Luca parks his car, he turns up the volume, before looking at me with such an expression of curiosity. “Close your eyes, and focus on the piano.”

I listen. And instantly feel like I’m immersed in the actual song.

Too awestruck to articulate a response, he looks at me once I open my eyes. “Everything okay? ”

The glance from his wistful eyes snaps me out of my alternate reality. “Yeah,” I answer. “I just sometimes listen to music and put myself in the other person’s shoes while listening to it.”

His timid expression gives away that he senses what I just implied. That I’m listening to the song from his perspective. I look at him equally as shy, wondering what he’ll think when he realizes that I am .

“Yeah, I know what you’re talking about,” he says, his lashes fluttering. “I do that too.”

For a moment it feels like we’re on a date. Like there’s a string between us, tugging us closer together.

I continue to marvel at the song. “I just noticed how the piano keys sound like little rain droplets turning into crystals.”

Luca shifts his posture toward me subtly, now tilting his face as if he’s finally found the missing piece of the most complex puzzle. “You’re so—”

I interrupt, “Weird?”

“Interesting,” he corrects.

If this was a date , this is when he’d kiss me.

But it’s not. And so I look away before the melancholy grows any stronger.

It’s a good thing their friends also just pulled up in front of us.

Still bemused by the brief shared moment with Luca, Enrique’s growing laughter as we walk to the waterfall sounds a lot more obnoxious than it would have a week ago. Now I don’t know what I find more annoying. Luca showing me exactly what I want but can’t have, or Enrique showing me what I don’t want and barely even have.

Nothing seems to really matter though when you’re walking in heels that are killing your feet through the dark, while feeling insects and rough plants randomly poke at your body .

Luca’s brows scrunch as he looks down at my arms that are now cautiously folded across my stomach. “Are you okay?”

I flinch, and almost get whiplash when an object tickles my shoulder. “No, I’m not. I hate bugs.” Now there’s something on my toes. “Ew.” I stomp my feet and pick up my pace, hoping this magically gets us to the water quicker. “Why did I agree to this?”

“Want me to carry you?” he asks with an amused grin.

I glance at him, my panic growing. “Would you actually?” I don’t care if he’s being sarcastic. This is an emergency.

He laughs. “I was joking, but I mean, if you want?” he says, a shyness appearing in his eyes.

I seriously consider this. But picturing my legs wrapped around him, my arms looped around his neck, feeling his hands hold me steady…I figure it’s better to never feel these things. To never even get a taste of it.

Not a second later, I feel a tickle by my ankle and wiggle my legs so quickly that my shoe might fall off any moment. “Fuck!”

Luca quickly picks me up, so smoothly as if I have the weight of a feather.

I try not to gasp when my hands, by reflex, wrap around his neck. I was right. All those things should have just stayed in my imagination. My chest is close enough to feel his heartbeat, mine now racing when I feel his arms, one hooked under my knees, the other firmly scooped around my back. But when we get to the waterfall a few moments later, a part of me wishes it was miles away.

Luca sets me down, and I almost murmur, “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” he says, the glint in his eyes sending a chill right down my spine.

I find myself needing air, even though we’re outside and have plenty of it. So I try to focus on the water that’s shimmering from the moon’s reflection. That’ll distract me. But then I stop. My heart stops.

It’s not because of the water. It’s the fact that several people have already stripped down completely.

If anyone’s speaking right now, I can’t hear it. All I feel is the ringing that’s started in my ears. I turn to Luca, whose eyes now look expressionless. “What are they doing??” I ask, not-so-slowly turning into a ball of panic.

He blinks, seemingly in disbelief, when I notice him swallow. “I didn’t know they were going to skinny dip,” he tells me quietly.

“What do you mean ‘ you didn’t know ?’ How didn’t you know? These are your friends,” I say, suddenly feeling like an idiot who let him carry me into this mess.

“They’ve never gone before…” He meets my gaze apprehensively. “It didn’t even cross my mind that they would now.”

To add onto everything else, now I feel embarrassed at how my naivety is showing, just from the fact that I didn’t consider that this could be a possibility.

“It’s fine,” Luca adds, while nerves continue to pour into his eyes. “We can just leave.”

We?

Of all times he has to include himself in the picture with me, when we both know damn well that I’m the only one out of us two that holds this weakness. Hearing him say this makes me feel like he’s taking away the weight that this has had on me.

I hate to admit it, but the thought enters my mind. That he left out something this important to me, knowing that it would prove his previous point further. His words repeating in my mind from the other night, and how I haven’t experienced any of it . A breakup. Falling in love. Being naked around someone else. And this tips me over the edge to ask the irrational.

“Did you not tell me on purpose?” I ask, my eyes filling with a kind of sadness I’ve never experienced before.

I thought Luca looked pissed when I spilled drinks on him the first day we met. That was nothing compared to how his face looks like right now.

His brows crease so intensely that his skin could snap at any second. “Are you fucking serious?” he says, a hurt appearing in his voice. “I would never intentionally try to put you in an uncomfortable position like this.”

Despite my anger, a small fraction of me feels awful for even suggesting it.

Whoever’s fault this was is irrelevant now. The fact is we’re here. And the point of all of this is to push myself . So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

“You know what, fuck it. I’m doing this.” I turn away from him and start to undo the straps of my heels, wincing at the feeling of the coarse soil beneath my feet.

Luca’s voice immediately softens. “Jasmine.”

I don’t look at him. I’m still facing the water. With no expression, I blankly ask, “Have you ever gone skinny dipping before?”

“Why does that matter?” he says.

I make sure my voice doesn’t crack. “Please just answer my question.”

He sighs. “I have. But it was a while ago, and I don’t really find it all that interesting.”

All I hear from his response is that everyone has done everything except for me .

When I look over and notice how he hasn’t removed any of his clothes, my brows furrow. “You’re not going?”

“No,” he says.

“Why?” I question.

“I don’t want to.”

I almost smile with anger. “So you just don’t want to go with me ?”

He quickly shakes his head. “No.” He stumbles over his words. “That’s not it.”

“Then what is it?” I ask, wanting the truth. His eyes grow heavier as he blinks. But when he takes too long to respond, my voice becomes shakier. “You think I’m a prude, don’t you?”

“Of course I don’t think that,” Luca replies, his chest visibly rising.

Ignoring him, I unzip my dress, letting it fall to the ground. Then my heart breaks a little at the realization that this is how I’m left standing in just my bra and underwear in front of a guy for the first time.

It also pains me to leave my dress in the grass like that with God knows what covering it while I’m in the water. But I need to get over myself. I want to be more like everyone else. This will help me be more like everyone else. More normal .

Luca is the only person here who hasn’t taken off one article of clothing, and this pisses me off even more. “Jasmine, you don’t need to do this,” he reiterates, to my dismay.

I glare at him. “You don’t get to tell me what I need to do.” My eyes continue to sting. “Not after you threw it in my face that I’ve never experienced anything.” I guess I wasn’t over what he said the way I had thought .

His expression falls. “Forget what I said. I didn’t mean any of it, and I already told you that,” he defends .

I turn back toward the shimmering water. My body starts to shake, from the cold but mostly from my weariness. My heart rate follows in severity when my fingers reach under my bra straps. I’ve blocked out all noises from around me. Or so I thought, until Luca’s voice cuts through the night. “Who are you trying to prove yourself to? I promise you no one else cares that much.”

I look at him, only to see he’s focused on the bushes around us. “Myself, Luca.”

The silence is palpable when his eyes now lift to mine. I immediately look away, not wanting to know what I might find in his eyes. Pity? Embarrassment? It would be too much for me to take.

With a million hesitations, I pull down the straps of my bra. My heartbeat is so fast that it just sounds like one extended thud on a loop. My hands continue to shake. A drop of sweat falls from my chest. But I don’t stop. I keep tugging the straps down until my fingers rest right at the top of the padding. I take a deep breath. Close my eyes. And then pull on the fabric.

Then I stop.

I pick up my dress, my shoes, and I run as fast as I’ve ever ran in my entire life.

Luca’s voice echoes from behind me. “Jasmine! Hold on!”

I run even faster.

“Wait,” he pants.

I wouldn’t have exactly stopped, but there’s nowhere else to go now that we’re just a few feet away from his car. I put on my dress, still enraged, with my back still facing him.

I hear him exhale deeply, before he says, “You don’t need to do something that makes you that uncomfortable just to prove something even to yourself.”

Okay. That’s it. I don’t want to hear it anymore.

I turn back around with an anger that’s fully consumed me. “Can you please stop? Just please stop .” He takes a step back as if I’ve pushed him. “Stop trying to make me feel better about everything.”

Luca runs a hand over his face in frustration. “I just didn’t want you to feel bad for not doing something that’s so stupid .”

“You didn’t want me to feel bad?!” I laugh sardonically.

I shake my head through my glaring eyes, making sure I say this slowly.

“Do you know how alienating it feels to not be able to do things that come so naturally to people your age? To feel so terrible watching things happen for everyone around you, while you just sit and watch no matter how fucking hard you’re trying to be like them?”

A tear falls down my cheek. “I trusted you. I told you the most personal thing about myself. I know I didn’t need to. But you didn’t need to use it against me.” I lift up my shoulders. “And now what? You’re trying to suddenly help me feel better about myself?”

He’s frozen. His eyes, his expression, his body. It doesn’t even look like he’s blinked. It’s like he knows I’m still not finished yet.

I know I’ll regret this as soon as I say it. But I’m way past being livid.

“At least Enrique doesn’t pretend to care about me.”

I watch Luca’s jaw clench but don’t stick around to see any other kind of reaction. I immediately turn around and walk toward his car.

I’m not about to take an Uber in the middle of the night by myself no matter how upset I am.

________ _

The car ride back feels ominous. As if we’ve drifted so far away from each other that we’re no longer even on the same planet. Our breathing is the only sound that fills the silence. I hold in the rest of my tears as I stare out the window at the sparkling stars, wishing that’s how far I could actually run away to.

When we finally make it to our floor, I rush to open my door without even a backward glance at Luca.

The only person I want to talk to is my mom, reaching for my phone to dial her number with my increasingly shaky hands. There’s no response . My fingers rest over my dad’s number, remembering how he told me not to call him if anything went wrong on this trip. I still call . One ring. Two rings. Five rings. Nothing .

As the call goes to voicemail, my phone starts buzzing.

“Dad?”

“Jasmine?” my father answers, his voice skeptical. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, is mom with you?” I ask cautiously.

“No, she went to pick up some food.” I hear him clear his throat. “Something happened, didn’t it? The way I told you it would,” he doesn’t even hesitate.

“No, I’m fine,” I quickly reply. “I just wanted to say,” I make sure my voice doesn’t crack, “hi.” I end the call shortly after, before he has the chance to make me feel worse than I already do.

The second I forgot why I was never as adventurous as I hoped to be in my early twenties, I’m reminded of exactly why this decade has played out this way. Because when I make a decision where something remotely goes wrong, I’m made to feel that I should have seen it all coming .

I don’t bother taking off my makeup. Or changing my clothes. I just slump onto the bed as my back shakes, releasing the flood of tears I’ve been holding in. Not just from tonight. But also the ones I’ve held in for years. Making up for past disappointments I never allowed myself to mourn for. The pieces of myself I won’t ever get back.

Every so often you have a moment where everything piles up altogether, and tears that you didn’t know you had in you keep falling and falling as you wonder to yourself, how the fuck did I get here ?

I’m too defeated from this entire evening to even consider what I said to Luca, why I said it, or how it affected him.

Now that I’m facing fears I avoided before, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to push past habits that stem back decades long and extend so deep they’re practically weeds woven into my veins now.

If love is like learning a new language, it could leave you lost, especially when you start learning it 25 years into your life. And that’s exactly how I feel.

Lost.

Who needs someone to break your heart when you keep breaking your own ?