16. Skylar

16

Skylar

My whole body is shaking. "You want to stop my heart?"

"For a short time." Tan runs a clawed hand through his hair, his tail curling against his leg. "Skylar," he begins, then stops, and when he speaks again, I'm not sure how I feel about the pain and apology in his voice. "You do not have to do this."

"But if I don't, you're going to throw me in the brig, and Quayl sounds like he wants to torture me for information."

"He will have to go through me first."

"I just don't understand. We don't want anything to do with the Mangrel. It's why we have the minefield to begin with. And why we don't cross it. I didn't even know Asheraah existed. Why would I pretend to be one and infiltrate your ship?"

Tan nods, the muscles along his jaw flexing. "I know. It is a terrible thing to ask of you, and if there were another way, I would not. But Quayl is determined. And… his accusation has already infected the crew."

I think again of Quayl's ghost scales, his shadow antennae. The healers said my concussion seemed to have healed when I visited them yesterday morning, but they also said they only have historical records to show what our brains should be doing. It's been five generations since the Asheraah have crossed paths with a live human.

Can I trust them to stop my heart? And restart it without killing me for real?

The thought is terrifying. But Tan is right. I've felt a shift in the crew since my visit to the flight room. Only Tylan and Ehan Janu Yar look at me without suspicion. I need to prove my innocence. "I'll do it. But if I die for good, I'm haunting the hell out of you. "

"And I will let you. You will not die, Sky. I promise. You'll come back to me, or I will follow you across the void."

That shouldn't sound romantic. There's nothing romantic about being dead. Except I've just agreed to stop my heart, so what does this mean to me now?

"When are we going to do this? The sooner the better, I hope." I don't want to spend more time than I have to worrying about it. Forcing a smile, I suggest, "If there's going to be puking, maybe we should get to it before we eat?"

"We can do it whenever you are ready. The healers are waiting."

"Great." My attempt at levity is pitiful. But the idea of my heart stopping and being ‘brought back to life' scares the shit out of me.

"I will not let anything happen to you," Tan says, pressing his lips to the top of my head. "Believe in me."

"I do," I say, and it's the truth. I trust Tan with my life. My spirit. My heart. It's not about trust Tan. It's about the rest of them. But Tan trusts them. They are his crew. His family, from what I have seen. And I will not ask him to choose between me and his family.

Ish. My stomach clenches. So much time has passed, my sister must think I am dead.

If she even made it out of the Titan. The fear I've avoided thinking about rips through me like a hot knife. Is this why Tan has taken so long to ‘figure out' our communication codes? Because he doubted me?

If so, can I trust him with my life? My heart?

I don't want to believe everything Tan and I have shared has been a lie.

"And if I refuse?"

Something in his expression breaks. "Then I will stand by you, even if I lose my place as Raiva and they cast us out in a pod to the stars. Even if I have to fight them all. You are my bokdazi."

Fex.

"What's a bokdazi?"

"My mate of life, heart, and spirit. "

Double fex.

Tan means it. If I force this, he'll ruin his life and abandon everything he's ever worked for and fight every one of his crew to the death or whatever that means. I can't do that.

"Fine. I'll do it." I take his hand. "But you stay with me."

"Beyond the edge of the stars, if need be."

"Then we should go," I say. "Get this over with. I'm supposed to be meeting with Janu Yar to go over the feel of gravity something or other. It's supposed to help me understand your way of navigation."

Tan's earfrills raise as he lowers his brows. "The Ehan Janu believes you can sense this?"

"I don't know. She said it's an experiment." Mostly it involves me sitting in a dark room breathing and ‘expanding my senses.' Aside from a bunch of itches, I haven't sensed much. But I like Janu Yar. She's easy to talk to and easy to be silent with, which is almost better.

We walk together to the healers, hand in hand. They are in a room close to the med bay, a cramped area filled with low benches, and, as I approach, I can hear bubbling water, the splash of liquid against metal, and the sharpness of bitter herbs and antiseptic. The air is heavy with the smells, and the lights are dim.

Behind me, the door slides shut. When I turn, I am greeted by the healer who treated me for my concussion. His green scales are muted in the dim light. His eyes meet mine, and he bows his head. "I regret we must do this. You will be fully sedated for the process, and we will be monitoring your status at all times."

I pull in a breath. I agreed to this for Tan and for myself. I can't make a place here if everyone suspects I'm a monster.

"Thank you, " I say with a nod of my head.

He gestures to a large, white sphere mounted over a cushioned mat. "This is where you will be scanned. You'll be surrounded by the fluid, and when we stop your heart, the nanos will initiate their processes, and the fluid will filter oxygen from the air into your lungs while the machines do what they must."

"Sounds delightful. "

The healer's ear frills flutter as his brow furrows, and I recognize the sarcasm was lost on him. I force a smile. "Faster started, faster done." My smile feels brittle as I sit down and strip my outer layers. "Skinsuit?" I tap at the form fitting fabric.

"It can remain."

That's a relief. Weird how the brain focuses on insignificant things like modesty when approaching the point of death. Even if it's a temporary one. "This is why you always want to wear clean underwear when you're going on a trip," I remember my grandmother saying. "You never know when you might pass. A lady needs to have some dignity."

It hadn't made sense to be then, and it doesn't make sense to be now.

With a deep breath, I walk over and climb onto the table. The material is strange against my skin, a blend of softness and firmness that seems almost alive. I lay back, my limbs heavy with anticipation and fear, as the sides start to come up.

Dozens of tiny pricks pass over my skin, and my years grow heavy. The lead healer waves over a couple of assistants. One is bright green, the other-- !

Fex.

I sit up. The tube hasn't fully locked around me yet. The sudden movement makes the world go spinny, and my stomach lurches.

"Sky!" Tan takes a step towards the table. "What's wrong."

"Not him!" I point. Where'd the white one go? He'd been messing with that weird, glowing box by my shoulder. I blink, turning my head.

My skin is hot now. Burning. My legs are twitching, and I start to hiccup.

"What's wrong with her?" Tan's arm lashes out, and I see him gripping the healer by the neck of his tunic, his lips peeled back in a snarl. "Why does she speak so?"

"Nothing should have happened!"

I start to retch.

"Why is she throwing up?" Tan releases the healer and rushes to my side. The burning is in my throat now, behind my eyes, and my whole body is on fire.

Tan has his arms around me, and the healer is shouting something as the edges of my vision go dark. My skin feels too tight.

Tan shouts something in Asheraah and the healer, his voice tight with panic, shouts something back. Then Tan is pulling me from the half-shut tube, holding me tight to him and whispering. "It's the gel. You're having an allergic reaction, but you will be fine. I swear it."

I shut my eyes, feeling safe in Tan's arms as something else cold pinches at my neck. I tense, or try to. My body feels weak. My skin, my bones, my lungs.

"Sleep. I will not leave you."

A wave of calm washes over me, and the fire in my veins is muted as I drift away.