Chapter 12

This was so messed up.

I couldn't believe I had a full on panic attack. Like there was snot dribbling out of my nose as I cried kind of freakout I hadn't had in a long time. I leaned my head back in the soft, cushiony, grabby chair and stared up at where Aeson's body vanished into the ceiling. The numb calm that washed through my body should have been an intense relief from the heart rending panic I had been feeling a short while before, but instead I just felt… unsettled.

I didn't want this.

I wanted to be normal.

I wanted to get the rest of my meds from my house before going on the honeymoon. I needed them to stay calm and focus. I needed them so I wouldn't sit around wishing to be normal.

I grew up dreaming about being a star in a movie, wishing I could be as glamorous and gorgeous as the women I saw tap dancing and singing their way across the screen. Everyone always loved them. When they walked down the red carpet people cried out how much they loved them, and the thought of being surrounded by people, all telling me how amazing I was, filled me with a longing that I had never satisfied my entire life.

At that thought, I looked over at the bracelet, peeking out from where the chair was partially encasing my arm again.

"We have docked at the ship," Aeson's voice floated through the ceiling. "It will be a few minutes before we can disembark but you can release your restraints now."

I dug my fingers into the squishy material, searching for the small buttons embedded underneath. I pressed down on them and the chair shrunk away from me, letting me go. I didn't get up. I lifted my wrist bracelet up and tapped on it. A holographic screen projected in the air above my arm about the size of a 15 inch screen. There were a couple of symbols I didn't recognize and hadn't seen before but they were familiar in design. There was one that looked like a miniature picture of my phone itself.

I tapped on it and the screen changed to look exactly like my previous phone screen. I swiped through it, found the bird app, and opened it up. There were thousands upon thousands of notifications; people had tagged me and commented on all of my previous posts. There were direct messages from people on my allowed list and I pulled them up.

That initial gut clenching feeling I felt when I saw how many notifications I had melted when I looked at direct messages. There are a couple I can tell from the first sentence I didn't want to read so I ignored those, but there were several that made it sound like people were genuinely worried about me.

It was then I realized I hadn't posted anything since the disastrous live stream.

I'd recorded the wedding, but it wasn't live. I hadn't even posted a single sentence letting people know that I was OK. It hadn't occurred to me. The initial reactions to the live stream were so negative that I didn't think to say anything else.

I tapped the live stream button.

My face was at an odd angle, and I lifted my wrist to find a better shot. Viewers immediately streamed in and the chat began to fill with questions and exclamations and emojis.

I beamed a smile.

"Hey, Soul Fam!" I crooned. "So glad to see you all! This is just a quick update to let you guys know what's going on and all that. I'm in space. Everything's good. I"m OK. It was all just one big cultural faux pas. I'll give you guys a more in-depth update later so make sure to like and follow, so you can be the first to see the new content I post." I leaned in closer to the camera and dropped my voice down to a fake whisper. "I'm going to give you guys the inside scoop, so stay tuned!"

I ended the stream.

I leaned back in the chair with a sigh. That was about all I could handle for right now. I knew I should be pushing it, releasing new videos left and right and using this temporary fame for its fullest potential, but I just couldn't even. Catching glimpses of the nastier comments was too much.

How was I gonna handle any of this?

I felt like I was running in place on a log that was floating in the water and at any moment I would miss my step and come crashing down. All I needed to do was to be perfect and innocent and sweet and seductive and experienced and completely in control of my every movement and choice that happened to and around me.

What if I was just making everything worse?

I buried my face in my hands.

Even through the numbness that came from the drug, it wasn't able to keep those thoughts away.

Aeson dropped from the ceiling, and I lifted my head from my hands to look up at him.

"We are here." He held out his hand to me. "Please, let me take care of you."

Something cracked inside of me, a small sliver of a fissure, the slight tremor of my heart's warning shake before the quake that could break the infrastructure my self image had been built upon.

I couldn't let go.

I plastered over the cracks with a perfect habit of falseness. I fixed that smile I had practiced in the mirror for hours firmly across my face, making sure the corners of my eyes wrinkled in just enough to display warmth.

"Oh, I'm just fine." I pushed off from the chair. "I'll have a chat with the alien doctor, but you don't need to worry about me. I'm good as gold."

"Gold is an extremely malleable and conductive element." He shifted, moving his body around the circular room to reveal an open door on one side. "You are saying you are highly susceptible to being changed and reformed by your environment?"

I looked at him for a moment. Talking with aliens was a really strange experience.

"I mean, no." I moved towards the door. "I was saying you don't have to worry about me. You don't need to take care of me, I'm a tough cookie. I can just tell this doctor I'm fine, do some quick checks, and we can be on our way."

"It is my privilege as your first and only male to take care of you," he said, moving with me at my pace so he was beside me when we reached the opening. "You experienced a severe distress when we went into space. Whether you are an overbaked dessert or a malleable element, I ask that you please tell the doctor the full truth of what happened. We are not in a rush. We can take as much time as you need. Please."

The last word he said with such a heavy tone, I stopped to look at him again.

Why did he care so much?

He just met me.

At the same time, his words soaked into my outer layers, softening them just a little bit.

"Aeson, seventh son of the seventh clutch of the Tsalu Salintinith Matriarch," a voice sang out from outside the opening, a gorgeous rendition of Aeson's name in dulcet tones. I stepped out into what looked similar to the inside of an airplane hanger if airplanes were parked in outer space with a giant open space where one of the walls should be that looked out to the stars.

I took a quick breath.

Air, still breathing air - I tore my eyes away from the open space to look at two lines of massive, hulking, cat elf alien men all dressed in the same outfit that I could only call soldier on bottom, stripper on top. They were wearing form fitting pants with what was generous to call them open chested vests on top that were nothing more than thin strips of fabric running up and down their sides. They all had fur on their heads, shoulders, backs of arms, and backs, and they all sported long fluffy looking tails. There was a wide variety of colors on display, including one fellow near the back who was bright pink.

The pink one was holding a white square down by his side.

"Jessica Stargazer Nguyen," the dappled granite-colored cat elf marine man in the front called out.

"You said your name was Jessica," Aeson murmured.

"My name is Jessica," I replied, walking down the ramp.

"Welcome to the ship. We will escort the two of you to the human designated medical facility," the granite cat elf continued, wiggling around like a jazz dancer in a modern musical. "I am Kevrar, 13th squad leader in the Emperor's personal guard. Jessica Stargazer Nguyen, we were told you were experiencing medical distress. We have brought a gurney."

"You can call me Jessica," I replied, looking at the soldiers in front of me. I didn't see a gurney anywhere. "I can walk just fine. Just tell me where to go."

"Your name is Jessica Stargazer Nguyen?" Aeson asked. He moved beside me, his huge body sliding sinuously as we walked through the hanger, following Kevrar.

"Well, yes, that's technically my legal name, but that's not what I go by," I said. "I'd prefer if you just call me Jessica."

Aeson fell silent. As we reached a smaller door leading to a corridor into the ship, he lowered himself down so that his upper body was at an angle. The corridor was just too short for him to be lifted up that high. Even though the cat elves didn't seem to be that short, they all towered above me by at least two feet, looking around at them. I guess the cat all elves were all 7 to 8 feet tall; that meant that when Aeson was at his preferred height, he was likely 10 feet. The full length of the tail was at least 6 to 7 times his preferred height. There was just so much of him.

No wonder they sent so many guards to escort us.

Aeson was massive.

He didn't really fit on a ship like this. It certainly didn't look like the vessel was built for species like him in mind. Given the sideways glances the soldiers were giving Aeson, it looked like there was a lot I didn't know about. I knew very little about either of these cultures, and here I was in the middle of them.

It was a strange feeling to realize how different other people were. It shouldn't be that big of a surprise, given that they were aliens and from different planets, but at the same time, knowing something from the outside while still living my comfortable, relatively normal life and knowing something while transplanted and immersed in a unique situation I never been in before was different - it was kind of exciting.

At least, I thought it should feel exciting.

With the Blamex, I didn't really feel much of anything at all. The world was emotionally grey around me. I could tell that thing should be exciting or scary or fun or wonderful, but when it came to the actual emotions, all I felt was a distance shadow of what should be there. It was a good thing for panic, but it sucked for everything else.

"This is the guest human medical facility," Kevrar sang, moving his body in place as if he was on a tiny stage. "The doctor is inside."

The door slid open, and I tried to go inside.

Kevrar stepped in front of Aeson.

"Jessica will see the doctor alone," he sang, his deeper tones holding the edge of a threat.

"She is my mate," Aeson hissed in response. He lifted up higher in the air but stopped when the top of his head hit the ceiling. The spines going down his head and neck lifted outwards, displaying the colorful hood that framed his face. This time instead of a ripple of color, it held a steady shade of red.

"Threat display," my translator echoed as I stared at the color.

"Do not be foolish." Kevrar seemed relaxed, but all his soldiers around him were tense, their full attention focused on Aeson. "You came to us for help. You are welcome to leave without receiving it."

I reached up and put my hand lightly on Aeson's arm.

"Like I said, we'll be done here real quick," I repeated my words from earlier. "I don't even need to go see the doctor. I'm fine if we just leave. We can just go straight to my house."

It didn't help that this whole situation was alien and strange to me. Having my new husband freaked out about me seeing a doctor alone didn't make me feel too great either. What happened when I went to the dentist for a dental cleaning? Was he going to hover over the chair and glare at the dental hygienist?

Or maybe the problem was he didn't feel like the cat elves could be trusted? If that was the case, why did he even bring me here?

Aeson lowered himself down closer to my level, relaxing his hood so it lay flat against him.

"No, I wish for you to take as much time as you need," Aeson replied. "I emotionally reacted because I am worried for you, but I do not wish for my worry to stop you from getting the care that you need. I will go wait in the fitness room. There is something I wish to discuss with these guards anyway. You will call me on your wrist unit when you are done?"

"I will," I replied. I glanced over over at the guards, then back at my new enormous husband. "What do you want to talk to them about?"

"Making sure all your needs are fulfilled," he replied.

Then he put a hand on my back and pushed me through the open door.

"Hey!" I glared at him before the closing door cut us off from each other. "That didn't answer my question at all."

"Welcome, I'm Doctor Lavinsar," a soothing voice sang out from behind me. "I've been informed you experienced medical distress. Your mate transmitted the readings from his ship over to us."

I turned to see a female Norratar standing behind me, a big closed lip smile on her face.

"Will you lay down on my diagnostics table?" she asked, patting a white long slab of a table next to her.

I sat down on it and turned to lay down. The table began to rise in the air until I was lifted up to a position that had to be more comfortable for the doctor. If it had been that height when I walked in, I would have had to climb to get up on it. I turned my head to see her pull a screen out from the side of the table. It was attached with a little arm that let her swivel and lift the screen so it was in the air next to the table.

"Have you eaten anything strange lately?" She glanced away from the screen and back down at me.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She swiveled the screen so I could see it.

It looked like the outline of a human shape laying down, with small blue lines going through the body. There were splotches of color and a scrolling list of text that I couldn't read.

"It looks like you are suffering from imbalances caused by benzodiazepines." She pointed at some of the words on the screen. "Likely from something you have consumed regularly over a long period of time. Your brain chemistry is unbalanced, and your rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath on the ship was likely a withdrawal-induced panic. It may have seemed like a psychological induced attack, but given these readings, it is more likely your body has an addition to a substance you've been taking regularly and triggers an extreme reaction when you run out."

"How…?" I gaped at her. "I've been on this table for a minute. How could you come to a conclusion like that so quickly?"

She gave me a gentle smile.

"Our primary solar system is over 39 light years away from Earth." Her tone was soft, and the notes she sang as she spoke were higher pitched than normal. "Your segment of your species has had its scientific research systematically sabotaged so that you could be developed as a product. Our medical equipment is on par with our spacefaring capabilities."

"Sabotaged?" I asked, sitting up to look at her. "Product? Segment of a species? What are you talking about?"

"Oh, that must not have been released publicly yet." She flicked her ears back. "Well, the information wasn't marked as ship only, so the short answer is your planet has been isolated from the rest of your species for a while. The Human Alliance hadn't been making any efforts to get it back until now that we've seized it. They have a hostile relationship with the Shek'invitali so it all is a bit complicated. I'm not really into politics. It isn't important for getting you better, other than the fact that Earth Human biology is a little bit different from the rest of the humans in the galaxy due to the experimentation. There will be a bunch more details released publically."

"What?" was the only thing I could think of to say.

"Let's focus back on you." Doctor Lavinsar turned the screen back away from me. "Back to my original question - is there anything you've been taking that you think could have caused this biochemical issue?"

My brain was reeling, but if what this doctor said was true, and given the fact that I was sitting in a literal spaceship and had seen all the things happening in the news with the whole ‘alien occupation' thing, taking her at her word that she knew how to help me seemed like a small step rather than a leap in belief. Yes, the Norratar had caused chaos with their planetary takeover, but most of the destruction was to physical properties, and even when they had the initial military conflicts, they had used mostly non-lethal methods.

There still had been some deaths during the initial stages of the takeover, but none of them were civilians.

Most civilian life had gone on as normal so far, just with some strange additions, like free water and energy. There was shifting going on and the economy had gone absolutely bananas, but it wasn't anywhere close to bad unless you considered large corporations losing their grip on low income workers a bad thing.

Not that I was ready to say anything like that publicly.

People who spoke out in favor of the Norratar were often drowned in a sea of hateful comments. It seemed strangely unbalanced. Most of what I heard in person, people were in favor of the results of the occupation, especially since it seemed to be them mostly giving us things. Well, that and destroying the physical infrastructure of specific corporations.

There was one snack and water company that had lost all of its water bottling plants and corporate offices. There had been a clear warning, then a bright light and a loud announcement telling everyone to vacate, then the Norratar had swarmed in and removed the few people who ignored that - then the building was just gone.

It was disconcerting how easily they could destroy things from space… and that included military infrastructure and equipment.

Then the Norratar set up free health clinics and mass distributed their water from air machines and unlimited energy generators and it seemed to be a good thing. Enough of a good thing for me to sign up for the Mated Match service and to make me willing to give this doctor a real chance.

I dug my hand into my purse and pulled out my Blamex.

"This," I said. "I take it for anxiety."

"May I have a portion to analyze?" she asked. I snapped off a segment of the pill bar, and held it out to her.

She tapped the screen and a small tray slid out of it. She took the sample from me and dropped it in the tray and it slid into the back of the screen.

"That is the issue," she nodded. "You take it for mental anxiety, but instead it causes a physical anxiety reaction when you are not on it."

"That's not okay." I frowned. "Why didn't they tell me that? My doctor said the side effects were mild. My panic attacks are not mild."

"Your doctor said it had mild side effects?" Doctor Lavinsar's ears flattened for a brief moment. "This would cause long term damage, including memory loss and disorientation. Suddenly stopping this could cause seizures and can kill you. It is harmful. Without proper medical equipment, that your species doesn't have yet, it would be extremely challenging to taper off of this as it has to be done in very small increments over an extensive period of time."

"I don't know if I want to get off it." I shoved the Blamex back in my purse. "I don't want to feel the way I felt before it. I was stressed out all the time."

"What was your life like before you started it?" she asked.

"Normal stuff. I was auditioning a lot for different roles and working on building my social media presence." I shrugged. It had been pretty stressful, especially when I'd post a picture that I thought was classy and beautiful and the comments I would get would make me feel like I was on a sinking ship. Didn't matter if I wore a shawl or a swimsuit, random strangers just wanted to let me know that looking at me turned them on.

It was easy to take those comments as a compliment, but they were often paired with subtext, microaggressions that I tried not to pay attention to. I was an actress. Being judged by my appearance was all a part of life.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what any of that means," Doctor Lavinsar crooned.

"Lots of people were commenting on the things I did," I replied. "I was being judged a lot. I wasn't making much money and I had to spend a lot on maintaining myself and my appearance to the industry standard. It was stressful."

"Is your life different now?" Doctor Lavinsar asked.

I hesitated.

Then I shook my head.

"If anything, I'd say its more stressful." I lifted my hands and gestured at the spaceship. "I'm in the gaze of the public and they want to know what I'm doing and have opinions about it."

She nodded and turned back to her tablet and tapped on it.

"I can give you something to balance out your biochemistry and fix the problem," she continued to tap on it, her motions in time with her sing-song words so that for a moment, it felt like I was in a surreal musical. Looking at anything the Norratar did always made me feel like that. For a moment, I felt grateful my new husband was a giant snake man who didn't feel the need to wiggle about every time he wanted to say something.

"But unless you deal with the underlying issue, you could find yourself drawn back to the nonfunctional medication and repeat the cycle," she sang.

"How am I supposed to do that?" I crossed my arms. "I'm not quitting acting."

"If you aren't willing to reduce the situations that cause you the stress, you must increase them instead, to an extreme degree." Doctor Lavinsar pulled something off the bottom of the screen and held it out to me. It looked like a thermometer that took your temperature reading when you placed it against your head.

"Extreme degree?" I prodded.

"It doesn't have to be the exact same situation," Doctor Lavisar replied. "You need to put yourself in heightened states of adrenaline and anxiety."

"To get better, you want me to suffer more," I rephrased, my tone flat and bland.

"Exactly." Doctor Lavisar beamed at me. "It will be hard to do that on your own. I've sent your husband and you the recommendations on your wrist units. Please wait to take that biochemical balancer until right before you are ready to begin the immersion therapy. It will work best if you do them together."

I looked at the small thing in my hand and then put it in my purse.

"Don't worry," I replied. "I'll save the self-torture for when I'm ready."

"Oh, you don't have to do it yourself." She smiled. "I can send all the details to your mate. The Atisari are well known for their threat displays, and I'm certain he can help you come up with a plan to make the most of this treatment. Is it alright if I send all the details to him as well?"

My mouth went dry for a moment.

"No, I don't want that," I said, ignoring the fluttering excitement in my chest. "I just met him."

I didn't know him well enough.

I wasn't ready to share that part of me with him.

"I will not send the details to him then," the doctor nodded. "You can always send all the details to him by selecting the ‘share with spouse' option on the file."

She walked over and tapped on my wristband, opening up the screen and navigating to the spot to show me how to do it.

"Thanks, but I'll find another way," I said. "I don't trust him."

Her ears pinned back.

"If you don't trust your mate, you don't have to stay with him." The tone of her song became deeper and more staccato. "I can inform the squadron that is guarding him that you need to be separated permanently. We will get him off the ship immediately and you can stay here before being taken home."

"Oh, no, no, it isn't like that." I lifted my palms up to her and shook my head. "It isn't that I feel like I'm in danger or I want to be somewhere else. It's just that I just met him. I never thought I'd be in an arranged marriage and I wouldn't have said yes to it if I didn't want to give it a go… It's just that humanity didn't even know, publicly at least, that aliens even existed, and now I'm married to one."

She tilted her head to the side.

"His species, the Atisari, are known for their devotion to and care of their mates," she sang. "At least the males are. And I've heard that there is quite a rigorous process for joining the new Mate Matching program that has been set up, so if you were going to stay mated to an Atisari you didn't know well, you are in the best possible position to ensure you have a good one. If your opinion changes on that at all, all you have to do is contact me or anyone else and we will help you separate."

"Thank you, but I'm definitely going to give this a real go," I said. An uncomfortable warm feeling swelling in my chest in knowing I had so much support. It was uncomfortable because it felt so right. It felt so right and I hadn't ever felt this way before. No one had ever told me they would help extract me from a breakup. I didn't feel like I was a weak woman, in any sense of the word, but strength had very little to do with toxic partnerships. My life had held the same brittle awareness that if a guy wanted to, he could easily hurt me if I wanted to leave him. Heck, some men hurt women for not being interested in them at all.

I approached many social situations with men in my life knowing where my exits were. It was necessary in my industry. I had to be friendly and approachable, not a bitch and not a thot. I had to be a temptress virgin who could be hit on and spoken to with aggressive sexual language and I had to brush it off with a laugh and move on with my day.

There had been a tension in my chest in the fact that I was putting myself in the hands of an alien who had a greater access and understanding of technology, who was taking me off my home planet to a secluded location where I didn't have my own personal mode of transportation to get away from.

Sure, I had Caley's number, but what is it that she could do if this went bad?

The doctor's words were a relief.

I had backup.

These Norratar that had taken over our planet actually cared about us. This doctor cared about me as an individual. I was a completely different species to her and she was part of an invasion force that was actively destroying infrastructure on my planet and making wide spread legal reformation that was backed up by strategic military actions.

And she cared to make sure I knew that I had a way out. She cared enough to provide help for my anxiety and panic attacks.

The thought of that brought a prickle of tears to my eyes.

I widened my eyes, letting the air dry them out.

"I appreciate what you're doing for me," I put my thoughts into words. Gratitude was useless if it stayed isolated and unspoken in your head. "Thank you for your care, and thank you for letting me know that if I want to leave my husband, that you will help me."

"That is what we are here for," she sang in a lilting uplifting tone. "We are here to help."

"Why?" I asked

"Babies," she sang back. "We want more babies."

"But I'm not even married to a Norratar," I laughed in shock.

"Oh, but you could be," she sang back. "It is very likely your Atisari mate will audition Norratar males to add to your harem once he has cemented his bond with you. It would be the most sensible move. An Atisari would be very stressed out being the only male in a harem."

"I cant… I'm not…" I stammered. "Are you serious? He would get stressed being monogamous?"

"Oh, most certainly," she replied. "Though he would still be monogamous. It would just be you with multiple males."

"I really don't feel comfortable with that," I replied. "I'm a one woman one… alien… kind of gal. At least I think I am."

She shrugged.

"Perhaps he is strange for an Atisari," she sang. "Though that is something for the two of you to talk about."

"We certainly have a lot to talk about," I murmured.

That small glow of excitement grew. I was learning things about these different species that I'd never heard before. No one on Earth knew about this stuff; it was just me.

I didn't have to worry about no one wanting to hire me when I had this kind of opportunity. My life didn't have to be one of going from audition to audition hoping that someone saw what was special in me and chose me for their project.

I could make my own project.

The streaming services would absolutely eat this stuff up.

All I needed was a crew.