Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Clint

It’s another last day before I go away for four days and four nights at the firehouse. I open the door in the early evening and, of course, it’s Olivia. She’s lovely like she’s always lovely. She wears on her face the look I’ve become accustomed to seeing, the look of resignation. This is more of an addiction for the two of us than anything else. We’re not here to enjoy ourselves but instead, we’re here because neither of us is willing to risk the pain of withdrawal.

But there’s something about this whole thing that just seems really sad to me. Even after something like four months of this, it seems sad. There is no number of orgasms that make it okay. This can’t be good for us. So, even though I’m not happy about saying it, I say, “I think maybe we should just stop all this.”

“Don’t be stupid,” she says quickly. I can hear the near panic in her voice though.

I don’t want to be so close to her so I back up several steps. “This just isn’t a good idea, Olivia,” I say. “We’re just going to be hurt.”

“Stop being such a childish idiot!” she shouts. She has such a snarl on her face, and I don’t know what the hell I should say to her.

I’m pretty sure what I should say to her is most definitely not, “You know, Olivia, you’ve already shown me you’ve got much better things to do with your mouth than to scream at me.”

Wow.

Not only was that a total asshole thing for me to say (so that I sure as hell don’t feel good about saying it) but it hit her like a smack on the face. She screams and launches herself at me. Then, she does something extraordinarily impressive. She controls herself.

See, there’s no way in hell that I’m going to try to protect myself. She either knows that or realizes that attacking me isn’t the right course of action. She stops herself before she reaches me. She looks like she wants to kill me but she stops herself. She says with more restraint than it even seems possible for a human being to possess, “I deserved that.”

“No,” I whisper softly, “no, you didn’t deserve that.”

And then she just crumples to the floor, weeping loudly. I swear it’s one of those moments that you can’t believe without witnessing it. This whole last half hour is tragic and devastating but it’s also hilarious and comical. I guess it all depends on the soundtrack and the camera angles. Hell, I don’t know.

I rush to her and put my arms around her but she cries out, “No! No! No!” as she sobs and weakly tries to push me away. I just don’t know what the hell to do. I mean, I think she needs me to hold her. I’m also not going to ignore a woman crying out, “No!”

So, I just kind of lightly rested my hand on her back and let her cry. It’s almost impossible for me to do nothing else to comfort her. Hell, I guess it would be almost impossible for any guy to watch a woman cry and do nothing but she’s given me no choice in the matter. I can’t just ignore No! on repeat.

But what the fuck am I supposed to do now? How in the world am I supposed to figure out what the hell to do in the first place? So, I kneel there with my hand resting on her back as she cries and she finally leans against my chest so I can hold her. “I’ve hated you for so long,” she whispers, “and I can’t…” She’s just crying softly now, and I don’t know if she’s telling me she can’t hate me any longer or if she can’t stop hating me.

I don’t have any words for her. No, that’s not true. I have a lot of words, but they’re just a jumble in my mind right now and I don’t think this is the time to try to get them sorted out. So, instead, I just pick her up like I might pick up a child and carry her to the couch.

I sit down with her and she leans into me. She’s not crying anymore, but I can feel that something has changed for her. Her entire body is relaxing against me, the tension and aggression, and intensity have evaporated. She feels soft now, delicate.

A deep sigh runs through her. “Clint, I ...” She starts and then, goes quiet again. I feel her shaking and I know that she’s crying again.

“Olivia, it’s okay.”

She starts to shake harder.

I don’t completely understand what is happening with her, but I know what I'm feeling. The bear in me wants to protect her. The bear in me is seeing her as his to protect.

It isn’t something I ever thought I would think in connection to Olivia Morley. What we were doing was like excising demons every time we met, but there always seemed to be new ones to take their place. Everything was angry and demanding.

Now, I’m holding her and yeah, I feel protective. I want to make it better. I feel a softness towards her.

And I am very fucking confused.

I slowly become aware that she’s not shaking and crying anymore. Her breathing is regular and she’s relaxed completely. I gently slide out from beside her and see that, like I guessed, she has fallen asleep. I lie her back down and go to get a blanket from my room.

I cover her with it. Then, I stand there and brush her hair back from her face. I can’t stop staring at her. What am I thinking? What am I doing with this girl? Are we just playing with each other? Some part of me knows that nothing about that thought is possible. This isn’t a game. We both wish it was or wished it was before but it isn’t a game.

I decide to pick up something to eat. I figure Chinese food is a safe bet. It was the one choice she was actually enthusiastic about before. I walk around and collect my jacket, wallet, and keys as quietly as possible, like she’s a baby I don’t want to disturb.

The drive definitely does me some good. About forty-five minutes later, I walk back in the door feeling a little less upended. I’m carrying a big bag of Chinese food from Wu’s Panda Garden.

“Hey.”

I almost jump out of my skin. “Oh hey.”

I look at her and it’s like I’m seeing a new person, and I smile like a fool.

Look, I know that I sound like some dippy romance novel guy right now. Lookie here! The girl has a breakdown and the hero has a major breakthrough and sees that she isn’t just some bitchy privileged brat or something, but that she’s really a gentle soul with too much on her shoulders and now he feels ready to help her carry whatever burden is causing her so much distress, and soooo...

So much bullshit. Utter bullshit.

“Um, I brought dinner back from Wu’s.”

She smiles. “Sounds awesome, thanks.”

I nod. I head to the kitchen and get us some plates and her a fork because she’s no good with chopsticks.I feel like the fact I know that means this isn’t playing a game, right?

I go back to the couch and set things out on the coffee table. It’s really just a giant wood slab that’s been varnished. I made it myself back in the days when I thought of pursuing a more creative life.

“So, I really have to apologize for going looney tunes just then. I’ve just been so in my head and, well, you know.”

I think I do. “It’s nothing to worry about. How’s the beef and broccoli?”

“It’s really good. You definitely know how to pick these places.”

“Why thank you. It’s good to know I have a career to fall back on. Food connoisseur.”

She laughs and it’s the first real laugh from her I think I’ve ever heard. Her whole face lights up and I can’t believe how beautiful she is.

We chat about things in a very lighthearted way. She brings up pets in her childhood and I talk about the worm I made my first pet when I was just three. “I saved it from my dad’s bait bucket when we went fishing. He didn’t know what to do with a kid that didn’t want to put it on the hook and get fishing, but it came back home with us and had a container garden all to itself.”

“So, what did you name it?”

“The one logical name. Wiggler.”

She nods and laughs again. “I see. Well, that beats my story. My first pet was a spider I hid in my room in a cup.”

“A freaking spider? What’s wrong with you, lady?”

“Nothing, nothing, I swear. I have a healthy adult fear of them now, but as a kid, well, yeah. My mom wasn’t too happy when I went running through the house looking for Mr. Spinny after the cup tipped over.”

We both laugh and it’s so natural and sweet, I almost don’t see it for what it is.

But Olivia’s smile shakes a bit. “Well, I better get going.” She looks at me and I feel the need to protect her like a hammer in my chest. She leans in and kisses me softly. Her lips are just a sweet breeze against mine. “Thank you, Clint.”

She heads out before I can even pull myself together enough to walk her to the door.