Chapter Twenty-Seven

After my shower, I slide on jersey knit pajamas and sit on the edge of my bed. I'm quiet, barely breathing, just in case I miss the sound of pebbles on my window.

He won't come tonight surely.

Well , he did rattle the glass last night just to tell me off. After the touching and the tonguing and the tree situation of an hour ago, the probability of this man begging an audience seems high.

I pull the wrapped towel off my wet hair.

It took a while to get all of the yogurt from my ears, but I'm freshly showered and clean. High school sex-ed made that step seem particularly important. If I wait here, not in the bed, not resting on my pillow, I think I can send a message out to the universe that I'm prepared. Showered and wide awake.

Not that Adam will come. I remember what he said when I told him not to ask me on a date.

Okay, I won't ask anymore.

He stayed true to his word. He touched my hand and kissed me on the dock, but those moments felt inevitable and only occurred days after we'd known each other. We fell into step with me always knowing I held the power to say no, and he'd never pressure or disrespect my decision.

Adam's not a rash, thoughtless man. He and I seeing each other tonight would be reckless. He's bold and adventurous, for sure, but not reckless and neither am I. Whatever award is given to those branded with a scarlet "P" for practical, I should have in spades.

Someone knocks on the door.

"Vee?" Kate asks, still dressed in her game day outfit. "Can I come in?"

I'm awkwardly sitting in silence on the edge of my bed. "Sure," I say, trying to make my body less weird. Be comfortable and no one will guess you're waiting here like a dirty, dirty girl.

She closes the door behind her. Kate paces across the floor in front of my bed while I wait for her to speak.

"What's up Katie?" I finally ask.

She stops and faces me. "What's going on between you and Adam?"

My back stiffens. She can't have seen us in the woods. There are no windows on that side of the house.

"It seemed like you two had this…connection today," she continues, her face scrunching up in disgust.

"No." I try to sound as innocent as possible. "No connection. We're the same age, you know, common ground, maybe?"

"At dinner the other night, he seemed to really dislike you."

"He did," I recall.

"Yesterday he acted like he didn't know or even care to get to know you. I'll be honest –" She pauses. "He was kind of mean about it."

I blink at her relaxed posture, noting that she didn't have to tell me that tidbit. She wanted to. She wanted me to know Adam professed his indifference to me, to have that hurt a little, and that's okay. She's bothered. She's maybe a little hurt, too.

"Yeah. We're not friends," I insist. "I barely know him."

She plays with a crystal on the windowsill and says, "You were dancing together last night."

That's a hard one to explain, but I try.

I say, "He was having an argument with Maggie and needed to get away from the table. I was the only one sitting there, so he asked me to dance as a rouse." I pretend that the memory of it revolts me. "We barely touched each other. It was purely a sacrificial act."

"Vienna, I'm not blind." Her eyes narrow. "You like him."

"Me?" I gawk.

Kate's arms cross and she pops out her hip. I feel like I'm being scolded by my sorority sister. "I know that look when I see it."

Adam has a look. One he gave me years ago, but he didn't give me that look today. Our exchanges today were polite, maybe a little teasing, flipping a page back in time for the sake of reminiscing, but not the look . Even when he had me to himself, our bodies pressed together, the underlying context was need, not emotional attraction.

Not like , like. Certainly not love.

Boy, do I have this way of throwing myself right off the edge of the cliff. I exhale, breathing through the flicker of pain.

I squint at Kate, "No. No, I don't –"

"It's fine." She rolls her eyes. "You're allowed to like him. I understand. I mean, I like him. He's handsome and funny and talented. He's literally the whole package."

I nod along, saying, "Sure, he's those things but I'm not interested in him."

Kate sighs. Her arms fall and she reaches up to take her ponytail out. Her curls shake out. "Okay. Fine. I just want you to know that I've noticed you flirting with him."

Before I can deny this, she adds, "He may have been flirting back a little too, he's a man after all, they can't help themselves. But no matter what, I'm not going to stop pursuing him."

She turns to the mirror on my wall. Her nails drag through her hair. Her confident shoulders sit back, her neck elongated, her eyes carefully assessing her face like she's judging herself in a beauty pageant.

My eyes fall on my stretched-out pajamas and stringy wet hair.

All this time I measured current me against my eighteen-year-old self. I envied her because she entranced him, and I hated her because she let him go. I'm not that girl anymore. I couldn't possibly be enough for Adam now.

I swallow, a pocket of emotion beginning in my old lady throat, and offer, "Katie, you have nothing to worry about with me and Adam."

"If you say so."

"Really. I'm the last kind of girl he could ever be interested in, and he's not my type at all ."

She throws me a look. "He's everybody's type. He's like Ryan Gosling. My grandmother would try to take him from me."

"I'm not into famous musician types," I answer, grappling for anything that would make this conversation end.

Kate spins around and sticks her hands on her hips, exhaling loudly. "Okay, well, I just wanted you to know where my head was. I know he hasn't made a move on me yet, but I'm not giving up."

I nod. "As well you shouldn't."

She pauses. "I love you. I don't want to fight over a boy with you."

"I love you, too," I say slowly, sensing there's more to her statement.

"But I'm not the type to back off to spare someone else's feelings. I always go after what I want."

"And you want Adam," I mutter.

She smiles. "Yeah. I do."

"And I want you to have him!" I stand. I plaster a smile on my face. "You two would be so cute together. Really, front cover of a magazine level adorable." I double down: "I'm not interested in Adam."

She casts her eyes over my body, not quite believing my statement. "Okay," she settles, walking to the door. "Good night."