43. Wren

43

WREN

Blue's Words

Blog Entry #9:

Is it okay to fall in love again after losing someone? Because I can't seem to stop the feelings that he's awakening within me.

When I'm with him, I feel so complete. I feel like I'm whole again, but when I'm without him, I'm reminded of why I'm actually here and how he doesn't know the real reason for my being here.

How do I tell him that our meeting wasn't a coincidence?

How do I admit to everything that I'm hiding from him?

Do I wait? Or do I risk the chance of losing him?

I woke up sore in all the places that had not felt that kind of pain in a long time. It was a good kind of sore, though. One that made me ache in remembrance of last night.

On a yawn, I stretched out my arm to find Mal, but when I came up empty-handed, the upper half of my body immediately shot up. The room was still semi-dark with minimal light pouring in from the windows, but I quickly noticed that Mal wasn't sleeping next to me.

At first, I let my eyes adjust and once I could finally see clearly, I realized he left a sticky note on his pillow.

I then grabbed it.

Went for a run. Don't leave, or I'll come find you and drag you back home. I'll be back soon.

-Mal

My mouth curled into a smile. I loved his possessiveness and his irrational behavior at times, but as I read the note back, the word "home" stood out.

Was he trying to say this was my home too?

Confusion swept through me until finally, a flashback from last night had hit me.

"Move in with me."

He had said it mid-thrust and looking back, I just thought it was a heat-of-the-moment comment. That he didn't really mean it, but now as I sat here going over it in my head, I was beginning to think maybe he did mean it.

That he wanted me here for good.

My hand flew to my chest at the new revelation and I struggled to catch my breath. Guilt and every other awful emotion had swarmed my heart because deep down, there was nothing else in the world I wanted more than to be with him always.

Even on his bad days, I wanted to be the one who pulled him out of the darkness, but I worried that my secrets might be too damaging. That once they were out in the open, he wouldn't want me anymore.

The thought made me sick.

Throwing the note beside me, I quickly got out of the bed for a much-needed breath of fresh air. Finding my pants lying on the floor, I quickly picked them up and stepped into each pant leg. As much as I didn't want to wear jeans right now, I didn't have anything else to wear.

Unless…

Unless I went through Mal's drawers to see what he had for cozy pants. The last thing I wanted to do was snoop around through his things, but I doubt I'd even find anything. So, with hesitant steps, I made my way over to his dresser where I slowly began to pull open the top drawer.

First thing I saw was neatly folded boxers and socks. Everything looked organized, but I should have guessed that it would be when I first saw his home. Mal was a clean freak.

Everything opposite of how he grew up.

Gently, I closed the drawer and opened the one below it. Immediately, my eyes caught onto what appeared to be a journal. Small, brown, and leather, it looked worn, like he had it for years. Curiosity got ahold of me and I grabbed it.

Everything told me not to do it, but my impulsiveness got the best of me.

My hand burned a hole through the leather as I held it out in front of me. Sweat began to build up above my brow and just as I was about to open it, I stopped.

What the fuck am I doing?

A sharp gasp flew past my lips and as if the journal was on fire, I tossed it back into the drawer. Disgust at what I was about to do plagued me. How I could so easily rummage through his personal things and almost read his private words.

My stomach churned violently and I instantly took off for the bathroom.

Couldn't I just have one normal morning waking up at Mal's? Or would I always find some sort of reason to feel guilty?

Once inside, I slammed the door closed behind me and laid both my palms onto the brim of the sink. I locked my fingers around the sides and leaned forward until my head was facing downward and my legs stretched out behind me.

My heart pulsated destructively while my breathing had turned labored.

I had a feeling it wasn't just the journal I was upset about, but the aftermath of emotions that were beginning to arise after last night. Before Mal, Hayes was the last person I had been with and I thought it would remain that way forever.

And in some way, I felt as though by sleeping with Mal, I had officially erased Hayes. That I was no longer his anymore, and the thought terrified me.

Just because you found happiness with another, doesn't mean that a piece of your heart won't always belong to Hayes, my inner thoughts had told me, but I still couldn't stop myself from letting a tear or two fall. I was so caught up in Mal and everything that has happened between us that I never fully accepted the fact that I was letting Hayes go.

But when I thought I could never possibly make room for another person in my life, I went and fell for his best friend.

The one person in the world who I never thought could make me feel this way.

And just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, they did. A soft knocking on the door caused my hands to slip from the sink and quickly brush away the tears that coated my cheeks.

"Doe? You in there?" Mal asked, his tone slightly panicky and off.

I smiled.

"Yeah, I'm in here."

I heard him sigh in relief behind the door.

"You okay?"

I'm okay now that you're here.

"Yes, I'm fine."

There was a pause.

"Can… Can I come in?" His question came off as unsure and hesitant as if I would say no. I figured if he wanted to be in the bathroom, he would just walk in without asking, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

Mal could be a gentleman.

Sweet.

And it completely melted my heart.

"Yeah, of course," I responded, and before I could even finish what I was saying, he stormed inside.

Stopping a few feet in front of me, his concerned eyes looked at me over while my eyes widened from the current state of his semi-nude body.

Does he really go out running like that?

Shirtless and covered in a sheen of sweat, I could barely contain my sudden yearning to pounce on him. I didn't care that he'd just gotten back from running at least five miles and was probably covered head to toe in sweat. He looked too good to be true.

In black athletic shorts, matching running shoes and slicked-back hair that had his finger lines through it, my legs almost gave out just from looking at him.

"What's wrong?" he asked while setting his phone, headphones, and whatever else he had in his pockets onto the sink countertop before coming straight for me. "And don't lie to me because I can see it in your eyes that something is bothering you." He cupped my cheek and dropped a gentle kiss on my forehead.

My eyes clamped shut from the plethora of sensations that small peck on my head gave me. I felt safe, cherished, and so much more than words could describe. All I knew was my doubts, worries, fear, it all vanished the second he appeared.

"Nothing is bothering me, Mal," I reassured while snuggling into his palm. "I'm just happy that you're back."

I thought he would question my response, or at least ask me again what was wrong, but instead he used the pad of his thumb to stroke my cheek.

"How are you feeling this morning? Are you sore at all?"

I nodded.

"A little, but it's nothing I can't handle."

His eyes glazed over and I immediately knew what that look was.

Desire.

"I'll get you some ibuprofen after we shower and hopefully that'll help with the pain."

My brow lifted.

"After we shower?" I chuckled.

Mal grinned.

God, he was beautiful.

"You don't think I plan on showering alone now, do you? Fuck no. I've been thinkin' about getting you naked and wet since I started my run this morning." He pulled his hand away from my cheek and started unlacing the ties on his shoes. "Almost said fuck the run and waited till you woke up to drag you in the shower."

My center throbbed.

"Well, good thing you didn't skip the run. Now I have a good reason to scrub you down thoroughly," I teased, causing his hand to freeze on his other shoe and his gaze to find mine.

"Oh, I was already planning on that, Doe. Along with other things."

I shook my head and watched as he stripped off his last shoe and walked over to the large, tiled shower and turned on the hot water. Soon, steam and a fogginess in the air filled the bathroom.

"Arms up, Doe," he ordered as he took the space in front of me. As the shirt was slowly pulled up over my head, I heard an intake of breath.

But not a good one.

One that was filled with worry.

"Doe…"

I had fucked up majorly. So caught up in the moment, I had forgotten about my scar.

Instantly, I used my arms to cover my chest and on the quick spin of my heel, I turned away from him.

"I… I've had this scar for a while now. Ever since I was little," I confessed and just when I thought he hated the look of it, I felt his hand on the side of my waist twisting me back around.

"Don't turn away from me, Doe," he begged as his eyes sought out my imperfection again. "Let me see all of you."

My watery eyes peered up into his and I saw the sincerity in his expression. I saw just how badly he needed to see my scar and on an exhale, I dropped my arms, revealing the fully healed mark.

His chest puffed out as his eyes roamed over the long scar. Worry flickered in his gaze, but there was also adoration in their depths that had me wanting to jump into his arms.

"What happened, baby?" he asked but I knew if I told him, I would have to tell him everything.

So instead, I lied.

"I had some complications when I was younger, but everything is fine now. It healed nicely for where it is."

I knew he wanted to ask more, but as if realizing that I was hesitant about the topic, he dropped it. Instead, he took a step toward me and placed a finger over the jagged flesh.

It felt strange whenever someone touched it, but he did it so lovingly.

So soft and so caring, I couldn't stop from falling even harder.

His stare collided with mine, then seconds later, he was kneeling down and lowering his head toward my chest where he placed a line of kisses along my scar.

"You're so fucking beautiful, Doe."

He showered my whole chest in kisses then when he finally pulled away, I knew I couldn't go a second longer without being in his arms.

So stripping off the rest of my clothes, along with his, we both stepped into the shower where I was lifted into his broad arms and pressed against the cool tiled wall.

"I need you," I begged under the warm spray of the water as the throbbing tip of his cock teased my entrance.

"I need you too, baby. Always."

I was lowered onto his cock, and he proved to me just how badly he needed me.