Autumn

“Autumn,” she hummed back.

“That’s a pretty name.”

Hearing her say my name almost made me believe it. Almost. I hated my name.

“Well, then you can have it,” I frowned.

“You don’t like your name?”

“Autumn symbolizes death.” Every tree, every leaf, every flower would shrivel up and die the moment spring turned to fall.

“It doesn’t have to,” Lexi countered. “I always thought it symbolized rebirth.” She glanced at me hopefully, anticipating that I’d come to the same conclusion.

“Every bad thing that’s ever happened to me has been in autumn.”

“So you think a season is causing all your problems?” She cocked an eyebrow.

“Well, take today as an example.”

“What’s so bad about today?” Lexi questioned. “Besides the fact that it’s the day you got stuck in a bathroom after a surprise earthquake with a total stranger who’s possibly insane, according to the tabloids?”

It wasn’t necessarily the day itself that bothered me, but more so, what would happen on it. Eventually, I would have to attend my dad”s funeral. This was just the first leg of the journey I would need to take to get there. Without warning, the floor rumbled, causing me to sway back and forth. Lexi grasped at the wall, only to be thrown on her side. The lights, once again, began to rattle as the sinks vibrated vigorously. I could almost feel the bile rise in my throat as if I were on a boat, steadily rocking back and forth.

“Another earthquake?” I asked through chattering teeth.

After another thirty seconds, the shaking stopped.

Pulling herself into a sitting position, Lexi sucked in a deep breath before responding. “Probably an aftershock.”

“Is autumn the usual season for earthquakes?” I asked, oblivious to how earthquakes worked.

“There is no usual season,” she explained. “They just, kind of, happen whenever they want to.”

“Oh?” I said, accidentally posing it as more of a question.

If she didn’t know that I hadn’t experienced an earthquake before, I think my dumb question just clued her in.

“Yeah, no blaming autumn on this one,” Lexi expelled a puff of air while flipping her hair out of her face.

“Ha-ha.” I let out a fake laugh.

“What’s so wrong with autumn anyway?”

A loud knock on the door interrupted our conversation and was followed by a man yelling, “Lexi, are you—”

“I’m fine!” Lexi cut him off while rolling her eyes. “Anyway,” she said, directing her attention back to me.

“He’s…” I trailed off while attempting to think of the right word and, admittedly, trying to stall for just a bit longer. “Protective.”

“Very,” she stated. “But you’re not changing the subject that easily. What the hell is your problem with autumn?”

There were so many reasons I couldn’t stand this stupid season.

I was diagnosed with depression in autumn. When I was sixteen, my mother forced me to talk to a therapist. My grades dropped, I wasn’t eating, I shut out all of my friends, I began self-harming…everything in my life just felt empty. I had lost my purpose. After my mom saw the marks on my wrists, she cried for hours, and I cried for years.

Autumn was also when my mom and I were evicted after we couldn’t pay rent. Not many people talked about how hard it was to be raised in a single-parent household. It was more common to hear the parent talk about it, but never the kid. I couldn’t figure out if it was because of some kind of naive mindset or if kids just feared being different, but it fucking sucked at school and it felt so lonely. It’s almost like we all thought we’d be shamed for having one less adult in our lives. After losing the house, we had to move in with my aunt for a few months.

The icing on the cake was the fact that my dad abandoned us in autumn too. Not only did he pack his bags and disappear from our lives during autumn, but it was also the season he died in.

And the most important thing I hated about autumn was how cold it always seemed to get. There was no reason for it to be twenty degrees outside when there wasn’t any snow on the ground.

Even though it pained me to admit, I was a lot like this season that I wholeheartedly despised—both cold and slowly withering. In the end, I think that I just needed an excuse to hate myself.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “Maybe I just want something to hate instead of hating myself.”

“I know it might not mean much, but autumn is my favorite season, so stop talking shit about it,” she laughed.

“No promises.”

Lexi offered a sad smile in response. “Oh, come on. There has to be something you like about autumn.”

“Nope.”

“Fine,” she relented. “Then what do you like about yourself? Tell me about you.”

“Hi, my name is Autumn, and welcome to my TED talk,” I waved. “I like true crime, music is my therapy, and I’m good at crossword puzzles.”

Lexi huffed. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

“Hey, look at that! You managed to figure out the one thing I like about myself. Crazy runs in the family, Lexi.” She rolled her eyes and glared at me. Shrugging at her, I crossed my arms. “That’s all you’re going to get. There’s not much I enjoy about myself.”

“Well, sadly, you are entitled to your wrong opinion.” I scoffed at her boldness. “But I like you, Autumn Blake…so hopefully that counts for something.”