Somebody To Lean On

I sat there, staring at the small piece of paper while rolling it between my fingers. Everything my mom told me about the notes my father had written practically screamed, “Don’t read me!” yet here I was about to read it anyway. To be fair, I was never one to follow the rules anyway. Pursing my lips, I unfolded the crumpled note slowly, with my head tilted towards the sky.

I am strong enough to handle this, right?

Just as I was about to read the note, a loud screeching of tires on asphalt pierced through my ears, causing me to flinch at the uncomfortable sound. Unintentionally, I gripped the paper, making a fist with my hand. Following the noise that could only be described as nails on a chalkboard, another sound quickly followed. A voice. But not just any voice. A voice I had come to know very well within the last twenty-four hours.

“Autumn!” Lexi yelled. Her cries stole my attention from the disgruntled message I held in my hands. I snapped my neck up and saw Lexi lunging out of a black SUV, still screaming my name. “Autumn, what the fuck?” Lexi angrily raced over to me.

“Lexi, what are you doing here?” I stood up from the stairs abruptly.

“You just took off at the airport; I was worried.” She stared at me with a look of concern on her face.

“Wait, how”d you even find me?” I questioned.

“You told me the name of the church you were going to on the plane,” she explained swiftly before dealing out more questions. “Are you okay? Why did you just leave like that earlier?”

Glancing down at my feet, I took a seat once again on the stairs in front of the church. No one else showed up to the funeral. Just my mom,” I revealed.

Not processing my words fully, she clarified, “None of his other family members came?”

“No.”

“His friends?”

“No.”

“Co-workers?”

“No, Lexi. No one means no one,” I breathed a sigh.

“What time does the funeral start? Is there still time? Did you call them?”

“Lexi, no one’s coming!” I sternly replied, increasing my volume before lowering my voice and repeating, “No one is coming.”

She paused as she let the words sink in. “Well, you showed up, and you are definitely not a nobody,” she consoled.

“I guess.”

“No, I’m serious. You were so scared to come here, but you did it. You made it. That has to count for something.”

Maybe she’s right.

She sat down next to me, and we watched the line of cars as they drove by in front of us. The large black SUV that Lexi had shown up in was parked alongside the curb with Brian and Andrew standing right outside its doors as they tried to give us some semblance of privacy by standing a few feet away.

“Thank you for coming, Lexi,” I said with a sad smile.

“Of course,” she whispered while grabbing my hand absentmindedly. “And I’m sorry nobody else came.”

“The thing is…I’m not,” I confessed, guilt weighing heavy on my chest. Lexi glanced at me and furrowed her brows at my comment. “He was a horrible person. A few hours ago, even I didn”t want to come to his funeral. I can”t blame anyone else for actually following through with something that I just couldn”t.”

“You know, I struggled with going to my father”s funeral too,” Lexi disclosed.

“Really?”

“I was so angry at what he had put my family through…for what he put my mom through. I couldn”t justify going to a funeral for a man who hurt my mother. I never wanted to go, but I felt like it was something I was forced to do,” she sighed. “In the end, I”m glad I ended up going because, even though at the time I hated it, that final goodbye is what helped me forgive him for all his mistakes.”

“I don’t know if I can do that,” I admitted. “I don’t know if I can forgive him.”

“You don”t have to,” Lexi shrugged while squeezing my hands. “For me, forgiving my father is what I needed to move on. If you can move on without having to forgive him, that”s all that matters. You do whatever you need to do so that you can let him go and become whole again.”

I could never forgive him for doing what he did, but maybe I could learn to accept it. If I embraced my past and accepted the truth about what happened, maybe that was how I moved on. Besides, that whole forgive-and-forget thing was a load of bullshit because people couldn’t forget past trauma, and not everyone deserved forgiveness. What happened with my father was a part of my story; it was a part of my truth…and I had to own it.

I looked down at my free hand that wasn”t being held by Lexi and turned my palm upwards, revealing the note my father had written me.

“What”s that?” Lexi inquired. “A note my father wrote me while he was dying,” I admitted. “Turns out he didn”t die of a heart attack like we thought. He had heart failure and refused a transplant. Instead of fighting it or cherishing the time he had left with his family, he decided to move to California and shut everyone out. In the end, he chose to die.”

“Jesus,” Lexi exhaled, shaking her head softly. “I’m so sorry, Autumn.”

“When he knew there was no hope, he wrote everyone letters. My mom said they were filled with spite and hatred. That”s why no one showed up today.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head while letting out a sigh. “I never read my letter because he didn”t have my address, so he sent it to my mom.”

“Are you going to read it? Wait,” she paused. “Maybe you shouldn”t.”

“I have to. I have to so that I can move on.”

“Okay, then fine.” Lexi let go of my hand and stood up.

“What are you doing?”

“Just grabbing something,” she waved while walking down the steps and over to the patch of grass on the right. Crouching down, she started searching for something. When she found it, she walked back over to me.

“Lexi?” I asked as I realized what she held. “What”s that for?”

She held a large rock as she tossed it back and forth between her hands. “Assuming that letter is as bad as the rest of the people in your family said, I give you permission to throw this rock at my car as hard as you can,” she offered while glancing back at the SUV behind her.

A loud gasp came from Andrew as Brian turned his head toward the car and back at us repeatedly in disbelief.

“Lexi, that”s not the best idea,” Andrew warned.

“Shut up, it”s fine,” she hushed him while waving her hand, dismissing his comment. Lexi continued to stare at me and from the corner of my eye, I noticed Andrew quietly creeping up behind her. When he was finally close enough, he reached for the rock, but apparently, Lexi had taken some sort of ninja-karate class because she ricocheted her hand backwards, causing the rock to come into contact with a very sensitive part of Andrew”s body. She whipped her head around, seeing what she had just done. Andrew was hunched over in pain. “Fuck, I am so sorry! I didn”t mean to hit you there!” She put her hand on his back in an act of support. After a few seconds, he stood back up again. Lexi then asked, “Are you okay?”

“Barley,” he mumbled.

“Good,” she smiled. In the blink of an eye, her expression turned sour. “But if you try and take this again, you won”t be.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he growled, biting his tongue as he turned away.

Brian, on the other hand, was having a blast, slapping his knee and cackling heavily at what he had just witnessed. When Andrew made it back to the car, he gave Brian a quick blow to the gut.

Relishing in the lighthearted nature of the moment, I shouted, “Oh!” as I cupped my hands over my mouth. “It”s turning into an MMA match out here.”

“And if you want to throw this rock to continue that, then feel free,” she smiled innocently.

Bursting into laughter, I said, “Lexi, I’m not vandalizing your car!”

“Well, you have the option if you’d like,” she shrugged, placing the rock down on the stairs next to me.

Turning away, Lexi attempted to leave.

I grabbed her hand before she could get too far and yelled, “Oh, no, you don”t! The last thing I need you to do is go off somewhere and find a branch, then tell me to hit Brian with it!”

“What?” Brian exclaimed in a shrill voice, causing Andrew to completely lose it.

“I was just going to give you some privacy,” she laughed.

“Oh!” I smiled at the gesture. “Thanks, but no thanks.”

“Are you asking me to stay with you while you read the note?”

“Is that something you”re comfortable with doing?”

“Of course, Autumn.”

She wasted no time resuming her previous seat next to me. I brought the folded piece of paper onto my lap and grasped it with both hands. Lexi’s hand rubbed small circles on my back. Everything suddenly became real again. The weight I once felt came back.

“I don”t know if I can do this.”

“You can.”