The Descent

The plane started to descend rapidly. The engine whirred, and the sides of the plane began to shake. The picture that seemed so far away came back into view as we got closer and closer to the ground. It wasn’t long until the plane jostled as we landed roughly with a thud. Looking down at my phone, I saw that it was 2:19 p.m., which meant people would be arriving for the viewing of the casket right about now. I unbuckled my seatbelt and kneeled down to retrieve the bag out from underneath the seat. We slowed to a halt as Ashley and Lilly made their way over to the doors to begin unlocking them. Brian and Andrew stood as well and immediately started unloading suitcases. Even Macy appeared from around back, typing away on her phone. I watched as she popped a Bluetooth speaker into her ear and started to make several phone calls. Everyone moved like a well-oiled machine. I walked over to the sofa in the lounge and sat down to put on my sneakers. I cringed at the idea of wearing Converse to my dad’s funeral, but I didn’t have any other choice. Besides, what could he do about it? At least Lexi had let me borrow a dress so I wouldn”t stand out too much.

“So, I guess this is it, huh?” Lexi asked while sitting down next to me.

“It doesn”t have to be.”

“Lexi, we are ready now,” Andrew said while he and Brian stood next to the exit door.

“Hotel check-in is at 4:00 p.m., but if we get there earlier, I can figure out a way to push it up,” Macy said while still looking down at her phone.

Lexi and I stood up and walked over to the exit. It was finally time to go our separate ways…again. The two of us walked down the stairs of the plane, and I couldn’t tell if it was just my imagination playing tricks on me, but it seemed like Lexi was moving slower than usual. Before I turned to leave, I waved at Lilly and Ashley.

“It was nice meeting both of you. Thanks for all your help.”

“Don”t worry; I think we”ll see each other again soon,” Ashley winked before retreating into the main cabin of the plane.

God, I hope she”s right.

“It was nice meeting you too, Autumn,” Lilly said cordially.

Yeah, I definitely offended her with all of my jokes.

She and Ashley seemed to be complete opposites, but somehow, I felt like they complimented each other perfectly. As soon as my foot made contact with the pavement, my phone started vibrating. I pulled my phone out of my back and unlocked the screen. There were multiple text messages from my mom. I was thrust back into reality, and the gravity around me felt so heavy.

Mom: I was so worried! I”m glad you”re okay. I can”t wait to see you. Have a safe flight.

Mom: Also I can”t tell if you”re joking about meeting Lexi Harlow or not…guess I”ll find out in a few hours.

Mom: TEXT ME WHEN YOU LAND.

Mom: I just made it to the church. Have you landed yet?

Mom: Autumn…there’s something I need to tell you. Call me when you get this.

Mom: Hey, have you landed yet? I need to talk to you.

Mom: I can’t believe this is happening. Please call me when you land.

I stopped dead in my tracks, causing Lexi to bump into me from behind.

“Hey!” She shouted before noticing the expression on my face. “Autumn, are you okay?”

I furrowed my brow, reading the messages for the fifth time now.

“I don’t—”

My phone started to ring. When I answered, the sound of my mother”s voice echoed through the phone.

“Autumn,” she said, her words coming out strained. “No one”s coming.”

“What?”

Lexi put her hand on my shoulder.

“It’s just me.” She broke out in a sob.

“You”re not doing this alone, I promise,” I stated firmly. “I’m on the way.” Ending the phone call abruptly, I took a deep breath. Reality had set in. Everything had shifted back into focus. The romantic fairytale I was a part of for the last seven hours had come to an end. No more running from my problems. “I have to go,” I whispered while keeping my head down.

“What? Why?” Lexi asked.

“I’m sorry,” I said solemnly, “I just…I can’t right now. I can’t do this. I have to go.” I took off in the direction of the airport.

I knew my father wasn’t a great man. I could even admit that the reason I hated him for this long was because of all the pain he caused me, but I just never realized everyone else felt the same way too. The fact that no one bothered to show up to his funeral disgusted me.

Or maybe what really disgusted me was the fact I still wanted to skip out on the funeral too.

My father was no saint, but did he deserve this?

I don”t know.

Regardless of the answer, who was I to preach morality when just a few hours ago I was on the fence about going to his funeral anyway? What would’ve happened if I didn’t get on the plane? Would my mom sit in that church alone? Would she blame herself? Would I succumb to the guilt of leaving her there to suffer? Would I resent my dad even more? Would I resent myself?

Consumed by my thoughts, I hadn”t realized that I had made it all the way to the front of the airport. I saw several taxis lining up along the side of the curb. I quickly flagged one down, and just as I was about to get in, a hand grabbed my arm.

“Autumn!” Lexi panted as though she had been chasing after me the whole time. I spun around to face her and noticed Brian and Andrew running in our direction, just a few feet behind her. “What’s wrong?”

“My mom needs me, and I can’t push her away—not again,” I answered with glossy eyes. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

“Please just talk to me!” She yelled while still clutching my arm. I pulled away from her grasp, but she yanked me back again. “Wait—”

But I couldn’t wait, and I couldn’t explain why I felt the need to run away so suddenly. Despite all of the progress and growth that I thought I had made, I took twenty steps back when I decided on my next move.

“Lexi, we were trapped together with no one else around, for fuck sake! Let’s not sit here and pretend we actually give a shit about each other anymore. I could be stuck in a room with an ex-con and convince myself that I had feelings for them.”

“Bullshit!” Lexi spat her words. “I know what you’re doing, Autumn.”

“Get over yourself, Lexi.” I ripped my arm out of her grasp once again and opened the taxi door. “Just forget we ever met.”

“Autumn—” she screamed at me, but it was too late.

I was a ball of emotions, and I couldn’t make sense of any of them. I wanted to be there for my mom, but I was terrified of facing the truth. I wanted to tell Lexi what was going on, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I had problems letting people get too close.

I shouted at the taxi driver as I sat inside the car. “5700 Mountain Avenue, San Diego!” The man looked at me in confusion prompting me to yell again. “Go!”

We sped off down the road while I looked out the rear window, watching as Lexi got smaller and smaller the farther, we got.

The last thing I wanted was for Lexi to hate me, but after pushing her away for the second time since we met, I wondered if that was even possible. The only person to blame was myself. This was my fault, and to no surprise I completely hated myself at that moment. As much as I regretted how I left things, I didn’t regret having to leave, because for all the times I was never there for my mom when she needed me, I had to be there for her now. I guess this time I wasn’t just running away from something; I was also running toward something. It still terrified me that the thing I was running toward happened to be my father’s funeral. I was in such a rush to get somewhere I didn”t even want to be in the first place. Would it be such a bad thing if I missed the funeral? Would it have really mattered if I’d just stayed in Lexi’s arms, pretending that everything was okay?

After all, if you pretend long enough, you start to believe it, right?

Except that”s not how life worked. I knew these words were just another lie I used to tell myself, and it was time I owned up to it. For so long, I had tried to pretend I was fine when I was actually slowly drowning. My grief wouldn’t hold me back any longer. The only way I could move on was to face my father.