6. RJ

Chapter six

RJ

" T ake two," I tell myself in the camera on my phone, holding up a peace sign and taking a picture to send to my sister. She knows I'm going to a meet-up for trans people, not the kink aspect of the munch, and she's cheering me on to make new friends since I didn't have any left after Kyle was done.

While I used to share these kinds of pictures live on social media, my ex taught me a healthy dose of privacy is safer. Even if he wasn't the reason I made all my socials private, I'm in the real world now.

The idea is a terrifying one, but my new job has been better than I expected. Ana?s Roux isn't as scary as I imagined—which was all Miranda Priestly from Devil Wears Prada . She's younger than the iconic character and very French, but just as serious about fashion. I'm loving every minute I get to learn from her, even though it hasn't been much yet.

Still, she hasn't insulted my style or asked for anything ridiculous, so I count it as a win. Her assistant, Sarah, is showing me the ropes, knowing I have no clue about Boston's locations or who the big names are outside of who appears in fashion blogs.

Once Sarah read my cover letter, she told me I could be her friend. Everyone at Fantasie Mode is going for the same goal as most in the industry, to be a famous designer like our boss. But I'm not interested in being a household name. I want to be the one helping with sketches, organizing the shows, and feel it all from behind the scenes. Involved, but not in charge.

Ms. Roux picked me for that reason. She wanted an intern she could train to be her second assistant long term. Someone who wouldn't leave to start their own fashion house someday like Sarah plans to. I can't know if I'll stick with her or move on, the prospect of Paris or New York is alluring, but if I continue doing well, I'll get to go to those places with Fantasie Mode .

The bus stops and I see Randy's Diner. A memory of my fear the month before has me bracing myself, but I get off and walk to the other end of the block.

A text from my sister comes in before I can open the door.

Big Sis Jayla

You've got this!

Her dozen or so emojis only half make sense—what is the cat and ghost for? —but they do make me smile. Tucking my phone away into the jeans I opted for, I step into the noisy space.

The neon lights give the diner a warm atmosphere, and I turn to find the host stand unmanned. There's an older guy past it at the window, sipping coffee and reading a real newspaper. A middle-aged woman is serving people at the counter, sharing a laugh with them before turning back to the serving window for an order. One side has a group on laptops, typing with headphones in.

In the back there is a circle of people in booths and tables, and some have name tags. Chatting with CinKitten the past few days helped make my decision to return, and they said name tags were provided for shyer people. They said the munch is casual, open ended for arrival and leaving, and everyone is friendly.

The best part? I don't have to speak if I'm not ready.

"Hi, you look lost. First time at Randy's?" A pink-haired server with an apron and pronoun pin reading: They/he greeted me. "I'm Zo."

"Hi," I squeaked out and glanced towards the group I was pretty sure I wanted. "I think…"

"Randy's Diner is seat yourself, but if you're here for Pancakes and Pronouns, they're in the back with Cin," Zo confirmed and grabbed a menu. "I'll take you back."

Everyone's attention is on someone talking, and I'm grateful there is a free seat at the end of a table next to an occupied booth. I take a marker and a sticker with, " Hi my name is, " writing my name and pronouns in bold red.

"Are you RJ?" A husky but feminine voice catches my attention to my right. I recognize them as the androgynous person I saw the month before in another white collared shirt setting off their tan skin. Their dark hair is shaved on the sides but longer on top, and I sense a calm but dominant energy from them. "I'm Gay, she or they."

"Cin's partner?" I ask, connecting the name to the online profile.

Gay nods and smiles but doesn't continue while the others in the group keep chatting. I swallow hard, remembering she asked a question.

"And yeah," I point to my name tag, "RJ. He, him."

"Nice to meet you RJ." She doesn't hold her hand out or open her arms, and I'm grateful. I'm not a fan of random people touching me.

The person next to Gay is shorter, and they lean around her to greet me, "Oh, hi, RJ. So glad you made it. I'm Cin."

Cin is in a sleeveless black blouse I recognized from Ana?s Roux's summer collection. I know it well, having spent the day cataloging and folding every piece. My shyness evaporates, "Are you wearing Fantasie Mode ?"

"It is," Cin's eyes light up. "How did you know?"

"I just–" I start, then remember my promise to keep certain things to myself. Kinky strangers at a diner don't need to know where I work. "I just graduated with a degree in fashion design in June."

"Finally, someone to talk clothes with," Cin gushes before their attention is pulled to another person. I sit back and listen, only ordering a cup of ice tea on my tiny salary.

"How do you deal with jealousy?" A femme person without a name tag asks. I missed introductions, but I don't mind observing for the first time. "Because I have such a mix of compersion and jealousy every time she goes out with someone else."

"Great question. And I should start by explaining what compersion is. Compersion can be defined as joy for others happiness, but in polyamory, it also means wholeheartedly wanting their happiness." Cin leans forward and I see them make a face of discomfort for a second before it clears. Are they in pain? They didn't mention an injury, but pain is invisible. "Some of us come by compersion naturally, others have to work on feeling it instead of jealousy."

"They're alright," Gay tells me, getting close enough to whisper without interrupting Cin. I wear my feelings on my face, and she must sense my concern. "I promise."

Gay smiles and I wonder if I can find a partner like her. Someone calm and empathetic. She's also hot as hell, with a sexy mix of masculine and feminine. Her profile listed her as a strict but soft Daddy Dom, and I like the sound of it, except I don't want all soft. I crave pain, and a bad relationship hasn't removed the innate desire to serve and hurt for a top.

What I want is a Daddy, and not only as roleplay. I've found myself to be more demiromantic. Where sexual attraction is easy, a relationship takes time. The level of trust to call someone Daddy will take even longer.

"Those negative feelings can also be broken up into jealousy versus envy," Cin continues, gesturing with their hands, their face lit up over the topic. "Envy is wanting what someone else has. Jealousy is feeling like others have what you want."

"How are those different?" Someone named Claude asks from a few seats down.

"With envy, it's often in an admiration or goals way. When you're jealous, you feel threatened over losing your relationship or position with someone else. Envy can be channeled into figuring out what you want. Jealousy can lead to resentment."

"So the goal is to examine your icky feelings of jealousy, figure out what needs you have that aren't being met, and turn the negatives into compersion," Cin concludes.

Interesting. I never explored polyamory, mostly because my only long term partner played up the possessiveness as romance aspect. Cin summed up so much of the parts which always confounded me in a few succinct sentences.

Competence is hot.

Tonight isn't when I'd raise my hand and get answers about all the kinks and desires I want to know more about, but I know Cin is someone I'll be chatting with again. Gay is another I want to be around more.

For the first time in a long while, I am excited for the future. Boston is starting to look like my best decision ever.