Chapter 6

" R elax. Like I said before, she's adjusting," Michael said, inspecting his reflection in the mirror and smoothing his hair.

"Yeah, but by now . . ." Finn muttered.

"What?" Michael asked, picking up a bottle of hair spray and giving his coif a spritz.

"I had hoped that she would feel like it was her home by now. Every time she calls it ‘Finn's house,' my heart breaks a little. The thought of losing her again is unbearable."

"Why don't you just talk to her about it?"

"I can't. Last time, I pushed her before she was ready, made her promise things she wasn't ready to say. I won't make that mistake again. It has to come from her. That's the only way it will feel real to both of us." He sighed heavily and added, "Her side of the closet is mostly empty, and there's a part of me that wonders if it's so she can make a break for it more easily, if she decides she can't do this."

"Ella never struck me as a clotheshorse. She probably doesn't give a shit about that kind of stuff."

"You're right," Finn said. "I'm probably just twisting myself into knots over nothing. Besides, she told me she had some shopping to do this week."

"Well, there you go."

Finn huffed. "It's funny. I couldn't care less about clothes or the Hollywood scene or any of that superficial junk. We're alike in that way. It's something I love about her. I don't know why this has even become something in my mind. It's like I've made it symbolic of something, but it's all just in my imagination."

"You're just a little on edge because of how she dumped you before," Michael said.

"Gee, thanks," Finn said.

"Sorry, that came out wrong. She set a date. That says everything you need to know."

Finn nodded. "You're right. I'm being ridiculous. Actually, she said she can't wait to get married."

"See, there you go. You're golden." Michael smoothed his hair one more time. "I just hope Lauren doesn't get any ideas when we're at your place tomorrow night. You know, about getting married."

"You love her, you live together, you have a kid. You really won't marry her?"

Michael shrugged. "I like to keep my options open."

Finn chuckled and shook his head. "We really are different creatures. There's nothing I want more than to know Ella and I will always be together."

"THANKS FOR COMING WITH ME," Ella said to Marni as they snaked through narrow pathways lined to the ceiling with bolts of fabric on either side. "I'm still learning how to get around in LA. This fabric shop is a gem. Look how beautiful these imported silks are."

"No problem. You're saving me from a meeting with a high-maintenance freelancer. There's nothing like a mid-morning escape from the office to clear one's head. But tell me again, why the hell are you going to all this fuss? In my experience, no relationship is worth it."

"Well, Finn is worth it. Besides, you know how much I enjoy doing this kind of stuff."

"Yeah, but making your own chair cushions or slipcovers or whatever? Isn't that a bit much, even for you?" Marni asked. "The guy lives in a palace. Can't you have one of his minions do this?"

Ella smirked. "I'm meeting his closest friends for the first time, people I may be seeing for the rest of my life. I want it to feel like . . ."

"Like India?" Marni asked sarcastically, gesturing at the bolt of embellished fabric Ella was touching.

"No, I want it to feel like me ." Ella paused and said, "Finn and I are building a life together. I want to bring all of me to it, the best of me. When I meet his friends, I hope we have some fun and really get to know each other. Creating the right atmosphere matters."

"And you're willing to go to the ends of the earth to make that happen?" Marni asked skeptically.

"I'm willing to go the extra mile, or in this case, to a fabric store in Venice Beach."

"Don't you have a book project you're supposed to be developing?"

"I will. Eventually," Ella replied.

"Just don't put your dreams on hold for some guy, even if he is your Prince Charming."

"I'm not. And he's hardly some guy ," Ella retorted.

"I'll give you that. He's a bona fide movie star, and while I never use the word ‘dashing,' it certainly fits the bill in this case."

Ella giggled. "What I meant is that he's the one I love. Love changes things."

"Just don't let it change you," Marni cautioned.

Ella huffed. "I used to be terrified of that. I'm not anymore. We even set the date for our wedding. Actually . . ." Before she could finish her thought, a bolt of fabric caught her eye. "Ooh, that one is perfect!"

THAT AFTERNOON, FINN CAME HOME and saw half a dozen large shopping bags in the living room. He beamed, thinking Ella must have bought some clothes and her side of the closet would no longer be so bare. He followed the noise coming from the kitchen to find every countertop covered with mixing bowls and measuring cups, and Ella and Joyce cheerfully gabbing away. "What's all this?" he asked.

Ella looked up from the dough she was kneading, a streak of flour across her forehead. "Hi, love. We're just prepping things for tomorrow night."

He furrowed his brow in confusion.

"For the dinner party, silly," she explained.

"I thought we were doing a barbecue out back," he said.

"We are." Ella turned to Joyce and said, "Would you mind taking over for me for a minute? I want to show Finn everything I bought." She wiped her hands on a dish towel and took Finn's arm, leading him to the living room. "I've had the busiest couple of days, getting everything ready for tomorrow night."

"But baby, what about your next book? You wanted to start writing. I don't want to take time away from what's important to you."

"Meeting your friends is important to me," she replied. "Look at this incredible fabric. Isn't it stunning? I'm going to use it to create a runner down the center of the table," she said, emptying one of the large bags onto the couch. "Oh, and you have to see the colorful paper lanterns. Joyce said the gardeners can string them up over the table tomorrow," she added, sifting through the bags to find them.

"I don't understand why you bought all of this," he said forcefully.

She turned to him, a mixture of hurt and worry on her face. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "You told me I could use the credit card and . . ."

"No, baby, that's not what I mean. You can use it for absolutely anything you want. I just thought we were hosting a simple barbecue tomorrow night and that we'd have Joyce throw a few steaks on the grill and call it a day."

"When you suggested grilling, I came up with the perfect theme," Ella said, sounding excited again. "I'm calling it ‘Morocco to Monaco.' I love the alliteration. Dinner will be a grilled Moroccan-inspired feast, and for dessert we're making two French tarts, which I figured we could eat around the firepit. Let me show you the takeaway gifts," she continued, rifling through the bags again.

"Ella, I didn't intend for you to do all this work. I . . ."

"Oh, here they are," she said.

"Damn it, Ella! I didn't want any of this! It was supposed to be a simple barbecue!" he snapped.

Ella gasped. "I . . . I . . ." she stuttered as her eyes filled with tears. She would no longer meet his eyes.

"That's not what I meant, baby," Finn said, softening his voice. "I'm sorry. I only meant that I never wanted you to go to all this trouble."

"I need to go help Joyce," she murmured, walking away.

"Ella . . ." he called, but she didn't turn around.

He collapsed onto the couch and dropped his head into his hands, lost in a whirl of shame and remorse.

WHEN ELLA RETURNED TO THE KITCHEN, Joyce was hunched over a recipe book, reading some instructions. "So, it says . . ." She heard Ella sniffle and turned to look. "Oh, Ella, what's wrong, dear?"

"Finn isn't happy," she replied, choking back tears. "I guess he thinks this is all stupid or something."

"Oh, I'm sure he doesn't think that," Joyce said, wrapping her arms around her in a comforting embrace.

Ella hugged her for a long moment, sniffled, and composed herself. "I really should get back to the dough," she muttered, entirely deflated.

"How can I help?" Joyce asked.

A LITTLE WHILE LATER, FINN WENT TO the kitchen looking for Ella so he could properly apologize. He found Joyce cleaning up and asked, "Where's Ella?"

"We finished up for the day, and she said she was tired and wanted to rest."

"Thanks," Finn said, turning to leave.

"Finn?" Joyce called.

"Yes?" he replied, turning to her.

"I may be overstepping, but you once said that nothing was more important to you than Ella's happiness and that we should all do everything we can, and . . ."

"Please, speak freely," he said.

"Today was the happiest I've seen her since she moved here. She was having a ball. She was so excited for you to see everything."

Finn sighed.

"When she came back after speaking with you, she was crying."

He shuddered. "Thank you for telling me, Joyce."

With his head hung and his shoulders slumped, he went upstairs to their bedroom and lightly tapped on the door before letting himself in. Ella was standing at the window, her back to him. "Ella," he said quietly.

She sniffled. "I'm sorry if I'm in your way. I was just coming to take a nap."

"You're not in my way," he said as he approached her. "You could never be in my way." He put his arms around her waist and whispered, "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry."

"Nothing I do pleases you," she said, bursting into tears.

"Oh, baby, that isn't true."

"My clothes, my car, even the way I throw a dinner party," she sputtered in between sobs. "To you, everything I do is wrong. Everything about me is wrong."

"Sweetheart, nothing could be further from the truth. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," Finn said, rubbing her back. "Please, baby. Let me see your eyes."

Ella turned to him, her face red and puffy. He used his thumbs to gently wipe the tears from under her eyes. He cupped her cheeks in his hands and softly said, "I was scared. I was scared out of my mind and I fucked up. I'm so sorry. Please let me try to explain." He guided her to the love seat, and they sat down together. They held each other and he rubbed her back, all the while whispering, "I'm so sorry."

Eventually, she pulled back, looked into his eyes, and said, "I was just trying to make things special for tomorrow night."

"I know, baby," he replied, caressing her cheek. "I panicked, thinking my life might be overtaking yours. I was afraid that if meeting my friends took too much energy, became too inconvenient, took time away from your work, then . . ."

"What?"

"You'd decide it was all too much and you might leave me."

"I would never leave you," she said.

"You already did."

"Oh, Finn." She took a deep breath and said, "That last morning we were together in Sweden, tearing myself out of bed, out of your arms, was the hardest, most agonizing thing I've ever done in my life. I loved you so much. I know I hurt you terribly, and I would give anything to take that away. I'm so sorry. There isn't a day that has passed that I haven't been filled with regret for leaving."

"It was my fault, Ella. It was all my fault."

"Finn, I was scared. It wasn't your fault, it was . . ."

"Baby, I know you've blamed yourself, and I shouldn't have let you. It was my fault. When we met, I didn't tell you I was seeing someone else. Letting you find out secondhand, how could I expect you to trust me after that?" She shook her head, but he stroked her cheek and continued. "I fell in love with you so deeply, so instantly. We had only known each other for a few days when I told you how I felt and asked you to tell me you were mine. Within a matter of weeks, I told you I wanted to marry you and pressured you to uproot your life to be with me. I knew it was a lot for you, but I pressed anyway. So many times, I could see you were trying to tell me it was too much, but I always interrupted you, brushed you off, or tried to steer the conversation back to how much we loved each other. You needed more time, and I should have given it to you. All that pain we both went through was my fault. I'm so sorry."

"Oh, Finn," she whispered, tears in her eyes.

He gently kissed her forehead. "Ella, when I look at you, I see my whole life—all the laughter, the joy, even our children who I already love even though they're only a dream. That's how much you mean to me." Tears slid silently down her cheeks. "When we got back together and you moved here, I promised myself that I would do everything right this time, that I would give you the space to be who you are. When I saw all the effort you're going through for tomorrow night, I thought I had done it again, allowed my life and desires to overtake yours."

She rested her forehead against his and whispered, "I love you so much."

"I love you too. More than anything in the world."

She pulled back and said, "I always loved you, more than I can say. I just wasn't ready then. At the time, I thought it was because some part of me didn't trust you or trust that what we had would last, but it was more than that. It wasn't you I didn't trust, it was me, and maybe even love itself. I was afraid that if I fully gave myself to you, that I'd somehow change, that I'd lose myself. Then if you weren't there one day, I'd be left with nothing. But Finn, that fear is long gone." She touched his cheek. "The truth is, I have no idea what love is like over a lifetime, but I want to find out, and I want to do that with you. I trust what we have, body and soul." He smiled and she continued, "It seems you've forgotten what I told you on the jet, so I'm going to give you a reminder. I choose you. I choose us. Always."

"Oh, baby, I love you so much," he said, kissing her tenderly. "I'm so sorry I raised my voice. I'm so sorry about everything."

"I'll never leave you again. I want to be here with you. But I need to be myself."

"That's what I want too."

"As for the dinner party, it wasn't any trouble at all. When we were in Sweden, I told you how much I love entertaining and about all the get-togethers I used to throw. Your life wasn't overtaking mine. I was trying to bring myself to your life, to our life."

"That's so sweet."

"I know maybe you think the theme is silly, but . . ."

"I don't think that at all," Finn assured her. "I love it."

"It's an icebreaker. It gives people something to talk about and makes it easier to get to know one another."

"How about a date night at home with your future husband? Takeout of your choice, maybe a bubble bath, and you can tell me everything about tomorrow night, like how you came up with the fantastic idea of Morocco to Monaco. What do you say?"

Ella smiled brightly. "I say yes."

THE NEXT DAY, JUST BEFORE THEIR guests were set to arrive at six o'clock, Finn wandered out back, wearing jeans and a black T-shirt. His eyes marveled when he saw the spectacularly set dining table: hot-pink, gold-trimmed slip cushions on each chair, an ornate turquoise-and-gold runner down the center of the table, white plates atop gold chargers with matching gold flatware, beautifully folded emerald-green napkins, bud vases brimming with white flowers, and a sprinkling of glowing votive candles, all beneath a canopy of brightly colored paper lights. He was so captivated by how Ella was present in every detail that he didn't hear her approach.

"Hey, you," she said.

He turned and watched her walk toward him, her turquoise sundress and long spiral curls blowing in the breeze. "You are breathtaking. The table is stunning. Creative, magical, and one of a kind, just like you."

She blushed and gave him a smooch. "Everything is all set in the kitchen. I thought we could have cocktails and chat when everyone arrives. Joyce and her assistant will grill the meats and veggies, and then we can eat."

"Okay, baby."

An hour later, they all sat down to dinner, Finn and Ella at the opposite heads of the table. Their guests were chatting with one another about the eye-catching place settings, admiring every detail.

"I'd like to make a toast," Finn said, raising his wine glass. "To Ella, for creating this very special evening, and to all of you for joining us."

"Cheers!" everyone said.

Ella smiled and said, "Let me explain what's on the table. These round breads are called khobz , and you can use them like pita. Fill it with whatever you like and fold it over like a pocket—there's marinated lamb, beef, chicken, and vegetables. Play around with the sauces; the green is zesty herbs, the red one is spicy, and the white is a yogurt cucumber sauce, which is mild and cooling. There's couscous and salads as well. Dig in."

The guests began piling their plates. "Oh, wow," Carol moaned. "Honey, you have to try the lamb with the green sauce," she said to her husband.

"This bread is killer. I could spend the whole night dipping it in these sauces until I burst," Dan said.

Finn sat back and smiled, unabashed joy on his face.

After taking seconds and thirds, everyone was finally finished eating. Lauren picked up the snow globe behind her place setting and asked, "Ella, what's this?"

"Everyone has a snow globe that represents a different destination—there's Paris, Rome, Shanghai, Bali, Sydney, Tokyo, Abu Dhabi, and Rio de Janeiro. They're your take-home gifts. Check out which one you got. Maybe it will inspire you to think about the places you've visited or to dream up new ideas."

"I got Paris," Lauren said, shaking her snow globe and watching as the sparkles drifted down over the Eiffel Tower. She looked at Michael and said, "I've never been. I can only imagine that it's as wonderful as everyone says."

"Well, maybe we'll have to plan a little trip sometime," he replied, draping his arm around her and kissing her cheek.

Ella smiled at them and said, "It's beautiful and so romantic. You should go. I loved living there."

"How'd you end up there?" Dan asked.

"It was happenstance, I suppose. I was living in New York but itching for a change. My friend Jean invited me to visit him in Paris. He was heading into a divorce, so I went to support him. Fell madly in love with the city—the art, the culture, the energy. We were out to dinner one night with a group of Jean's friends, and one of them mentioned that she was looking to sublet her apartment while she took a job in London. Jean whispered, ‘Ella, ma chérie , you should take it. Paris suits you.' I was getting ready to write four short books about pleasure, each on a different topic. One was going to be about food, and it seemed like if I were going to spend months overeating, Paris would be a good place to do it. So, I moved."

"That's so cool," Lauren said. "I love how you take chances like that and live so freely. I've barely left California."

Ella smiled. "I've always had a bit of wanderlust."

"Do you think you've finally gotten that out of your system?" Michael asked, glancing at Finn out of the corner of his eye.

"I hope not. Finn and I both love to travel. I hope we have a lifetime of grand adventures together. After all, birds build nests but they still fly." She and Finn exchanged a smile, their eyes lingering on each other. After a moment passed, she asked, "So, who else wants to share their snow globe?"

"I got Australia. I've always wanted to go to the Great Barrier Reef for a scuba diving trip. Has anyone ever done that?" Jim asked.

"We did. It's incredible beyond words. If you're going to go, I have some recommendations. We made a few mistakes when we went," Tom said.

"We sure did," Elise chimed in, patting his arm. "For starters, you should actually know how to scuba before you let some random guy take you out on an expedition."

Everyone laughed.

"This one was like, ‘I'm athletic, it's no problem.' He was singing a different tune as he lay on the floor of the boat, thanking the universe that he'd survived."

"Ooh, that reminds me of the time we were in Greece and ended up on this crazy donkey ride because we misread the tour sign," Chuck said. "My back hurt for weeks."

They all cracked up.

"I've always wanted to go to Greece. Were you on the mainland?" Lauren asked.

"We spent most of our time in the Greek Isles, on Santorini. The beaches are everything you'd imagine and more."

"Just don't go to Lesvos," Ella warned. "I tagged along with a friend who got a free trip to speak at a conference. Packed my entire suitcase with bathing suits only to discover it's the only island in Greece without sandy beaches. There were stray dogs everywhere too. We spent most of our time sitting at a little British pub that oddly had the best food on the island. Basically, my brief experience of Greece was eating shepherd's pie and fending off dogs that looked more like coyotes."

Finn laughed so hard he had to hold his stomach, and the others joined in.

The boisterous conversation continued, but all the while, Finn couldn't take his eyes off Ella. Over an hour later, Ella said, "Everyone get comfortable around the firepit while I run to the kitchen to get the dessert. I hope you saved room. We have an almond apricot tart with amaretto whipped cream, and because Finn is a chocoholic, there's also a spicy chocolate tart with cinnamon whipped cream."

Finn grazed Ella's arm as she brushed past him to head inside. The group plopped down into Adirondack chairs. As soon as they were seated, Dan and Jim started clapping. "Dude, she's a goddess," Dan said. "Does she have any single friends exactly like her?" Finn blushed, an irrepressible smile on his face.

The others echoed the sentiments. "You must be the most eligible bachelor in the world and one of the greatest guys we know. We all wondered who would eventually snag you," Carol said. "Ella is fantastic."

"That she is," Finn agreed.

After they said good night to their last guest, who raved that it was the best dinner party he had ever attended, Ella said, "Your friends are great. It was so nice of the gals to invite me to join their book club. Now I have two groups to hang out with."

"Come here, love," Finn said, taking her hand and guiding her upstairs. Once inside their bedroom oasis, he couldn't stop staring at her, his hands on her waist. He looked at her with total adoration, searching for the words to express the depth of what he was feeling. Eventually, he said, "You are spectacular, Ella Sinclair. Who you are, the way you do things, how you make people feel, how you make me feel—it's so very special. I love everything about the life we're creating, and I love you with all my heart."

She kissed him. "Ravage me all night."

THE NEXT MORNING AT brEAKFAST, Ella tapped on the shell of her soft-boiled egg. "There really is something so satisfying about that sound. Do you remember that first breakfast we had together in Sweden?"

"It was the first time we were ever alone. I remember every word," Finn said.

"I told you about the four books I was writing about pleasure, and the idea of oneness I have. You asked if I had considered writing about love."

"You said it was too abstract a concept."

She smiled. "It is, but I've decided to tackle it. It's going to be my next project, a philosophical exploration of love. It'll probably take me forever, but I'm ready for a big challenge."

"That's great, sweetheart."

"I was always afraid of what happens to our identities, to our sense of being whole on our own when we truly love another. Albie knew about my fear and tried to nudge me in the right direction. When we were all leaving Sweden, he told me love is all that matters. He said, ‘Love, Ella. Love.' I've never been able to get those words out of my mind." He smiled and she continued, "Finn, last night I was thinking . . ." Ella was interrupted when her cell phone rang, and she retrieved it from her pocket. "Ah, it's Marni. She's probably calling to see how the dinner went." She answered the call. "Hey, Marni . . . It was perfect. His friends are great . . . Well sure, that's no problem. We can have the meeting at my place." Finn had to catch his breath. He tried to maintain a straight face as Ella finished her call, but he couldn't mask his smile. "Okay, bye," she said.

"Having your next philosophy club meeting here?" he asked.

"Uh-huh. Jade's still having roommate issues. What's that grin for?"

"That was the first time you referred to our home as yours. I'm so happy you're feeling comfortable here."

"Last night was so much fun, and I finally felt like I could truly be myself here. I feel like I belong." He rubbed her hand and she continued, "In fact, before we were interrupted by the phone, I was going to say that the backyard is such a beautiful place to entertain. I was thinking that maybe we should have our wedding here. We could have a tent set up. It would be nice to get married here in our home. What do you think?"

Finn smiled so widely he could barely speak. "That would be perfect."