Chapter Fifteen

Ash

" A sh, that was beyond incredible!" Jaxon looks at me, disbelief covering his face.

"Yeah?" Even though I've been playing for years, and I'm confident in my abilities, I always worry someone new won't like my style.

"Are you joking? I know you said you could play guitar and sing, but your musical talent is undeniable. You make playing look effortless, and your voice is stunning. I'm in awe, my god."

"Your compliments are gonna inflate my ego," I mumble, secretly gobbling up every word of praise.

"My friend, go ahead and let that head swell, because you're truly something special." Jaxon shakes his head, a broad smile splayed across his face.

Still, my insecurity flares up. "Do you think everyone else will like it as much as you did?" This will be a new crowd l play for, not the rowdy group I'm used to from Davey's.

"If anyone has the audacity to say something negative about you, I'll personally kick them in the ass!" Jax's declaration has me bursting into laughter, putting a pin in my insecurities for now.

Spending time with Jaxon today has been a lot of fun. Playing ‘ Burning Bridges ' by OneRepublic for him reminded me how much I've missed playing for someone. It's been a while since I've been able to practice, especially after moving in with Gage.

"Has Gage had the chance to hear you perform?"

"Not yet. I wanna surprise him for his birthday."

"Believe me, he's going to be completely blown away when he hears you. Speaking of birthdays, he mentioned that you two share the same birthdate. How awesome is that?"

"Yeah, it's pretty cool. He's been super sweet; said he wants us to celebrate together." I still can't believe he said that—as if it was the most natural thing in the world to include me.

"What's with the frown? Do you not want to?"

"I mean, yeah, but I told him I didn't really celebrate anymore." Great, now he's giving me a sad look; like I ran over a family pet.

"Why don't you celebrate?"

Taking a deep breath, I gathered the courage to tell him. There's something about Jax, just like with Marie, that makes me believe he's a safe person to reveal a little about who I am.

"My mom… she struggles with addiction. Drugs mostly." It kills me to share anything about her with others. It makes me feel vulnerable, like I'm going to be judged not only for having a mom who is an addict, but that people won't understand why I put up with the abuse for so long.

"When my dad left, Mom had to raise me by herself. She worked a couple of jobs, and she ended up involved with a guy who turned out to not be a good one. He got her hooked and then completely took over our lives. Let's just say that the experience of being raised by your mom's abusive partner is far from enjoyable. Along with everything else, birthdays were cast aside and forgotten as their priorities shifted. Birthdays just turned into another day for me."

"I'm sorry to hear about your mom. When you say abusive, do you mean physically or verbally? Not that either of them is okay, far from it."

Sharing with someone that you were used as a punching bag is a conversation that will never be comfortable.

"Both," I whisper as I squirm in the dining room chair, my grip on the guitar still firm.

"God, I'm so sorry, Ash," he says. "Is that how you ended up in Hope?"

"Kind of. I didn't plan on ending up here, but fate had different plans for me after a wrong turn."

"Well, I can relate somewhat to the abusive parents, as my father was one. Remember when I mentioned I had some family stuff going on?" A shadow washes across Jaxon's face as he looks at me.

I nod my head to confirm.

"The verbal abuse from my father centered on his desire for me to inherit his prestigious company, Remmington Spas. It wasn't something I had any interest in. I've always wanted to be a photographer, not part of some cutthroat nine-to-five business. I knew deep down I had to follow my passion, much to my father's disappointment. Refusing to back down, I made the tough decision to cut ties with my family. Now, without them, I find myself happier than I've ever been. And with Max by my side, I've found my forever home in Hope."

Jaxon sounds so positive. Hopefully, in time, the hurt from leaving Mom behind will ease for me.

"I'm glad everything fell into place for you," I murmur, my smile not quite meeting my eyes. Jaxon and Max's relationship is a testament to what I hope to find one day: someone who loves me as much as they love each other.

"Anyway, let's leave our pasts behind us. We have two big birthdays and an opening day coming up to look forward to. I, for one, am with Gage; you definitely need to celebrate."

"I guess you're right."

"Come sit with me, and we can delve into how Gage's eyes light up when he sees you." Jax is comfortably lounging on his sofa, with his legs folded underneath him. His light pink shirt complements his denim shorts.

He's messing with me, I know that; Gage doesn't see me as anything but his housemate. Yes, he's been affectionate toward me, but I know it holds no deeper meaning—it's just how he is. Yet, I can't help but wonder and want to know more about what Jax sees.

"How does he look at me?" I try to act like I'm not bothered or overly curious by turning to place my guitar in its case on the table. The latches on it click closed as I wait for his reply.

"Like you're a snack." His voice carries a hint of amusement as he teases me. "Like he wants to devour you whole. I see the way his whole body language changes when you're around him."

Shit, why does that make me smile? I conceal it from his view, reverting my facial expression to a neutral state before approaching him and taking a seat at the opposite end of the couch. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course you can." He cradles a sofa cushion in his lap.

"You don't need to answer if it's too personal. But... I was wondering when did you, uh, know you were gay? Did you ever think you were maybe bisexual?" I'm filled with anticipation, hoping that I didn't offend him.

"Whoa, you're really hitting me with the deep questions, huh?" he says with a wink.

"Sorry."

"Hey, no need to apologize. I'm open to answering any questions you may have. I'm pleased that you feel like you can talk to me. So... how did I know I was gay? For me, it became clear early on that girls didn't elicit any strong reactions in me - no fluttering heart, no longing to hold their hand. I had no desire whatsoever to kiss them because there was no romantic or lustful connection between us. But the boys... well, they had a way of stirring up all my emotions and igniting a fire in my wildest fantasies. I'd find myself drooling over them, even attending college football games, just to see them chasing a ball around with their muscular bodies and watching the sweat drip down their faces, wishing I could lick it off." Jax chuckles and fans himself for effect.

"So no, I never thought I was bi. I'm one hundred percent gay. I'm all about the sausage." We both laugh.

"How come you wanna know?" He tilts his head, a curious frown wrinkling his brow.

Because I'm confused about why I'm having a reaction to my housemate, who's a guy.

"I'm… I'm not entirely sure, or rather…" Pausing, I take a deep breath, taking a minute to get my nerves under control before I try again. I'm grateful that he seems to understand how difficult this is for me as he waits patiently. "There's been a strange shift in my sexual feelings lately. I've never questioned my sexual orientation, just assuming I was straight without a second thought. I've always been attracted to girls, everything about them, just like how you felt about guys."

Jax just nods and pats my leg, so I keep going.

"So basically, guys don't do it for me. I've never found them attractive, never had thoughts about them, nothing. But something feels different in me lately. I'm finding my thoughts have a mind of their own. I'm thinking about things that I never have before. I'm looking at someone in a new way. It's like I've been living in 2D, and suddenly, my entire world just got an upgrade to 3D and I'm seeing everything from a new perspective. Honestly, it sounds dumb now I'm saying it out loud. Let's forget about it."

With a tender smile, he scoots closer and reaches out to hold my hands, giving them a reassuring squeeze. Jaxon's hands don't evoke any reaction from me; they are just completely ordinary hands. Yet the way Gage held them felt very different.

"Keep going. You've made it this far. We all need someone to help us navigate our jumbled thoughts. Let me be that person for you. I'll be your crazy thought sorter."

"My personal crazy thought sorter!" We both start laughing and then he goes back to being serious.

"Does this recent development have anything to do with the attractive bartender you're currently living with?"

My cheeks burn with such intensity that it feels like they could ignite at any moment.

"I'll interpret those hot pink cheeks as confirmation."

I can't bring myself to look at him.

"There's nothing wrong with liking him, you know."

Looking back up at his calm face, I say, "That's my dilemma. I'm unsure if they're genuine feelings or just my curiosity. All I know is that being around him brings a smile to my face and a fluttery feeling in my stomach. Is that normal? This is unlike anything I've ever experienced. I'm struggling to get my head around any of it."

"All these feelings you're thinking about and feeling are normal. And I can see that you're genuinely confused. It can be rough when you discover new things about yourself. That's why, as your CTS, I'll do my best to help you figure out what exactly you're feeling and what it all means."

Thank heavens for Jaxon.

"First off, you can be whoever you want and like whoever you want. Sexuality doesn't have boundaries, it's fluid and has no rules. Just because you've mostly been into women before doesn't mean you can't start liking men now. Maybe not all guys do it for you, but it's just that one person who makes your heart race."

Wiggling his eyebrows, I know he means Gage, and it makes me smile.

"These days, there are lots of sexualities and labels that people identify with. Some people have one, a few, or none at all. They're meant to help you figure out which ones you connect with the most. Are you familiar with bisexuality?"

"Well, I know it means being interested in both men and women romantically." Never thought it would be me, though.

"How about you look them up online so you can get more information before deciding which ones fit—or don't—and how you feel about it?"

"Sure, that sounds like a great idea. How is it possible that I'm only just starting to feel like this now?"

"You're curious. Maybe being around confident men who are comfortable with themselves in their sexuality has awakened a sense of openness and comfort within you. These dormant feelings could've been waiting for the right person to come along. Who knows, maybe if you were still back home, you would've met someone and had a similar experience there."

Shrugging, I mumble, "I don't know, maybe."

"You're obviously attracted to Gage, judging by your physical response. But it's totally up to you if you want to do something about it—or not. No one else can decide what is right for you except yourself."

Everything he's saying makes perfect sense, confirming my belief that coming to Jax was the right decision. He's done an excellent job of explaining everything and has been understanding without passing judgment on me.

"Discovering and embracing one's sexuality is a journey that varies for everyone. While some may have an instant realization, like the handsome person in front of you!" He gestures to himself, and I can't help but smile.

"Some people need more time, sometimes months or even years, to fully explore and comprehend their own selves. Others have a lightbulb moment where everything suddenly falls into place. There is no right or wrong way."

Simply being able to talk about all this has made me feel significantly better. "Thanks for lending me your ear and treating me with kid gloves instead of making me feel like a fool."

"Hey, we've all experienced an existential crisis at some point. It can be mind-boggling. It's all about how you handle it," he says with a smile. "You've done great so far, and just being able to open up to me is a big step."

"Thanks, I really appreciate all the help."

Getting up, he says, "Why don't I whip up some lunch for us while you get the laptop ready and do some research, and after we've eaten, you can play me some more of your songs?"

He pulls me in for a hug, just like Jace always used to. There are no tingles, no racing heart. Just a hug from a friend. The rest is definitely reserved for Gage.

"Just so you know, I'm holding back right now on teasing you mercilessly about you liking Gage! But being the good friend I am, I'll wait until you've sorted out your feelings."

"Gee thanks, friend ."

"Honestly though, Ash, thanks for trusting me. I feel like a wise owl imparting knowledge to its eager owlet." A warm smile spreads across his face. "Now, go learn, and when I come back, I expect to hear all about what you've found out."