6. Juliet

I haven't beenable to look at Matt.

The few times he's tried to talk to me, I've kept my eyes fixed on the floor and mumbled an excuse to just leave. The shame of that night is so burned into my brain it makes me feel sick every time I think about it. Everyone in the dorm knows what happened and it was so excruciatingly awkward. Gina has been like a bulldog, staring down anyone who made a quip about that night. It's been the week from hell.

But today I'm finally on garden duty, and that makes me happy. Movement and sunshine and fresh air, even if that air is humid and thick. It's exactly what I need.

Unfortunately, Matt is on the garden team as well.

I try not to think about how close he is, focusing on my work instead. I set about weeding, crawling around on my knees in the dirt, plucking one dandelion after another from the garden bed, when someone kneels beside me. I look up and meet Matt's eyes.

"Hey," he says weakly. "Please talk to me."

I sigh, my shoulders slumping as I go back to the weeding. "I don't think there's a whole lot to say."

"I shouldn't have done that the other night, I'm sorry." He hangs his head, and the remorse on his face makes me ache a little.

"I wanted to," I assure him, giving him a weak smile when his eyes lift back to meet mine. "I did. It's been years since I slept with anyone."

He gives a bitter laugh. "That just makes me feel worse. You finally get laid, and it's by someone like me." He shakes his head quickly when he sees me open my mouth to speak. "No no, come on, sorry, I don't want to make you feel bad. You don't need to pity me." He rubs his hands together and looks me over. "Did that feeder hurt you?"

"No, he just made me shower." And asked me my name. Aggressively. It was weirdly humanizing, knowing his name and him knowing mine. I don't like it. I prefer the distance.

Matt sits back on the grass, his arms resting on his raised knees. "I'm really sorry about that night," he says softly, tearing apart a blade of grass in his fingertips. "It was just about as fucked up as it can get."

I look over at him, rocking back onto my knees. "You said your body was screwed because of the drugs?"

He nods. "They fed me viagra, and a whole bunch of other shit, just constantly, so I'd be, you know, able to get all these women pregnant." He looks out across the garden. "So now, even when I'm really turned on, even when I'm with someone who's real hot, my body just…" His gaze moves back to me and he shrugs helplessly. "I hate it. I really like you, you know, as much as I can when I just met you. I wanted to make you feel good, and then it was just over. And then…"

"Yeah, it wasn't great." I spot Silas standing over near the garden shed, his arms crossed over his chest as he watches us. "That feeder is a fucking psycho."

Matt looks over his shoulder. "Sure is." He turns back to face me and gives me a small smile. "I like you, Juliet. I really do. And I'd like to, I don't know, I mean… Maybe we could get to know each other a little, I'd like to at least be your friend."

I return his smile. "I'd like that too. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you, I was just so embarrassed."

"I totally get that, I felt so bad." He reaches over and takes my hand. "This whole situation is so fucked up."

"Yes it is." I sigh.

"You felt good though." His thumb brushes over my knuckles. "You felt really good."

"So did you," I reply, clasping his fingers a little tighter. I feel a twinge at lying, it hadn't really been long enough for me to decide if it was good. But Matt's sweet, and gentle, and he seems to want to get to know me. I hate the glimmer of hope this conversation is igniting inside me. That I'm now thinking that maybe we can find a way to be together, somewhere quiet, where we can take our time, as unlikely as that seems.

The shiver that breaks out over my shoulders tells me Silas is still watching from a distance, and I pull Matt to his feet quickly.

"Come on," I say, grabbing a wheelbarrow and pushing it down the hill, "let's go for a walk." I just know Silas's eyes are following me, like the fucking stalker he is. I just pray he doesn't follow me right now, because I can't take his gaze on me for one more second.

"Where are we going?" Matt asks as we cross the sunny stretch of grass.

"Away from the feeders, away from everyone else." I smile over my shoulder at him. "I come down here sometimes, just to get away. If I grab a wheelbarrow no one asks me any questions."

Matt chuckles. "Clever."

"It's hard to get alone time here." I push the wheelbarrow towards the compost pile. "I miss being alone."

"I was alone a lot at the farm," Matt says, perching on the wooden edge of one of the raised garden beds. "If I wasn't… down in one of the bedrooms with a woman, I was up in my room, alone."

I regard him with sympathy, squinting at him in the bright sunshine. "Did you have a family before all this started?"

He sighs, nodding. "Yeah, hadn't even been married a year when all this started." He leans his elbows on his knees, and I sit down beside him. "She died pretty quick, she was a nurse so she was one of the first in our town to get infected."

"I'm sorry."

"And you?"

"My parents were the first to die in our town," I reply, looking down at my hands. "My mom was a teacher, and she caught it off a student. Took it home to my dad, and they died the next day."

Matt exhales heavily. "I'm so sorry."

I nod. "And then my brother died two weeks later, and that was that. Family gone." I flick my nails together and sigh. "My college was an emergency response center for like 2 months. When the National Guard left, the feeders came. And they brought me here." I turn to look at him, trying to smile. "Why didn't they keep you at the breeding farm?"

He shifts a little, and a flush rises on his cheeks. "Because, well, because of my… issues."

"Oh shit," I say quickly, looking away. "I'm sorry, fuck, it's none of my business."

"No, no, it's OK." He grabs my hand, turning me back to face him. "Really. Don't be sorry. You just wanted to know."

"I'm sorry they did that to you." I hold on to his hand. "You really have 25 kids?"

He laughs bitterly. "Yeah I do, maybe even more, the feeders weren't always clear on what happened, you know, after. I only ever saw two of them, the others, they had the moms moved real fast to other colonies. It's a weird feeling, you know?" He puts his other hand on mine. "I always wanted to be a dad, have kids, have a family. And now I have a bunch of kids, a whole lot of women were pregnant with my kid, and I never got to do any of the things a dad does."

I don't want to say sorry anymore, because it's useless. We're all sorry, we've all lost people we loved. Not one person in this colony has been spared that. We're all united in grief and loss, and it's the worst thing to bind you to other people. So instead of saying sorry, I lean against Matt and welcome his arms around me.

"Goddamn it's hot," he says after a while.

I look around to check that no one's watching us, and then get to my feet. "Come on," I say, holding on to his hand. "I want to show you something."

He chuckles but says nothing, letting me drag him across the lawn towards the tree line. I check one more time over my shoulder to make sure no one has seen us, and then break into a run through the trees.

We wind our way through the foliage, twigs crunching underfoot as we go. It's cool down here, and after a few minutes I hear the bubbling of the stream that runs through the ambling tree roots.

"Hey, this is real pretty." Matt looks up and down the sun-dappled glade, over the water that's rushing past us. "Do you come down here often?"

I kick off my flip-flops and walk into the cool water. "Whenever I get the chance, which isn't very often."

"That's a shame." He kicks his shoes off and follows me into the water. He stands in front of me and smiles sheepishly. "So, I kind of realized I didn't even kiss you before we, you know."

"No, I guess you didn't." I gaze up at him. "Did you still want to kiss me after I didn't talk to you for a whole week?"

"Yeah, I do." His hand brushes over my shoulder. "I like you, a lot. You're not like anyone else I've met, in a really long time."

I give a half-hearted laugh. "I'd want to hope you don't know too many women who get dragged kicking and screaming from your bed and then ghost you for a week."

Matt laughs out loud, and my stomach does a little flip.

"See? I said you were funny." He places two fingers under my chin, tilting my head back.

"Nope, just cynical." My voice had been reduced to something barely above a breath as my eyes dip to his lips and I wait for him to kiss me.

"Cynical, maybe." He smiles. "But pretty cute too."

He lowers his mouth to mine to place a tender kiss on my lips.

My eyes flutter closed as his arm moves around my waist, drawing me closer and deepening the kiss. I put my arms around his neck, and even though it feels so nice, an ache unfurls inside me. I miss being touched. I miss being held. Matt kissing me just brings that all crashing down, so much more than anything that happened in his bed that night.

I'm lonely. I'm never alone, but I never touch anyone. No one ever touches me like this. I'm so fucking starved. We have sunshine and fresh air and food but we don't have life. We don"t have hugs and jokes and date nights, movies and candlelit dinners where one of us tries way too hard.

No wonder I was willing to let Matt fuck me the afternoon I met him. I'm aching, I'm dying for this, for another person to touch me, to stroke my hair, maybe rub my back and trail kisses over my neck.

Matt laughs softly when we part, his arms staying around my waist, holding me close. "You're a good kisser."

"So are you," I reply, leaning my head against his shoulder. "I miss kissing."

"Me too. I miss waking up with someone in my bed. Christ, I even miss cooking. Just putting music on and cooking together."

I sigh, because I miss that too. Life. So much of it I didn"t even get to experience, and being in Matt's arms makes that all feel so much more unfair.

The drone of the siren sounds in the distance, and we're both instantly on alert, Matt's arms holding me tightly for a second as he looks down at me with pure panic etched in his eyes.

"Oh shit," he mutters, and we both break into a run through the trees to head back to the garden.

Not again.

The feeders are ushering everyone back into the buildings, and I see Gina looking around wildly, her hands clutched to her mouth. She spots me running and raises a hand.

"Juliet!" She calls, even as a feeder shoves her forward to keep moving.

"I'm coming! It's OK!"

Feeders sprint past the fence line, guns hanging at their sides. I see Silas with an enormous rifle in his hand, headed for the observation tower. His eyes move to me for a moment, and they're bright red. His face softens for a split second, into something like relief, before hardening back into that mask as he keeps moving.

"Another attack already?" Matt says as we're hurried back to the dorm.

I shake my head. "This hasn't happened in years." Fear freezes my veins. What could this mean? Are the Afflicted getting stronger? Are there just more of them now? I don't know what to think.

The feeders are as anxious as we are, I can see the fear in their faces. Even though the virus isn't deadly for them, they'll still be fucked. The siren wails on and on overhead.

We're almost at the dorm when an explosion tears through the fence at the western end of the compound. I cry out and grab on to Matt. Everyone around us is screaming, and we all watch in terror as a horde of Afflicted begin to flood through the fence. There must be at least 100 of them.

We're fucked. We're going to die now. I'm going to die just like Kaden did, just like my parents, like Matt's wife. It's all over now.

Gunfire erupts, and Matt and I sprint for the nearest building, one of the administration buildings I think. We try the door, but it's locked.

"Fuck." Matt pulls me along behind him as we run for the next building, which is the shower block. That door is locked too. "Goddammit!"

The dorm is too close to the advancing horde of Afflicted, so there's no point trying for there. We can hear them now that the siren has been shut off, their sickening shrieks and groans getting closer, punctuated by gunfire.

"In here!" I pull him into an alcove between the shower block and a storage building. It's hardly good cover, but we can at least attempt to hide and ride this out. I claw onto some tiny hint of optimism, even as dread fills me. We crawl to the very back of the space, behind some black plastic boxes and sit against the wall. Obviously I'm still breathing but my chest is so tight I just feel like I'm suffocating, like I'm drowning in dread that continues to build as gunfire erupts close by. I cover my ears with my hands, and Matt puts an arm around me, some small gesture of comfort even as it feels like death is crawling closer and closer. I bury my face in his shoulder to find he's trembling just as much as I am.

Loud shouts pursue a figure that races past us, the high-pitched buzz of bullets whirring past it matching the sound the figure is making. I hold my breath, hoping it didn't see us, didn't smell us, but with a scream it pounces on the black boxes.

I've never seen one of the Afflicted up close like this before. Its skin is a weird ruddy color, like it has a fever. Blood runs from its eyes. It has no hair, not even any eyebrows. Its mouth hangs open as it looks around, sniffing for us. I clasp my hand to my mouth, stopping myself from crying out and burrowing further under Matt's arm like he's armor.

A bullet smashes into the side of its skull, sending blood and fragments of bone flying. It collapses out of view, but another one comes running from the other direction, sniffing and shrieking, smelling the blood of the one that just exploded in front of us. It has a better view of us, its bloody eyes spotting us immediately. It throws itself onto the black boxes with a shriek, and I scream as its hands flail towards us.

Matt tries to haul me away, but the Afflicted gets a hold of my ankle and starts pulling me towards it. I grab on to Matt's hand, kicking out with my other foot, striking it in the face, but it keeps pulling. Its mottled teeth snap together loudly, its fangs inches from my leg.

I'm going to die, it's going to bite me.

Suddenly there's gunfire, right in front us, echoing off the tin roof above us. The Afflicted doesn't even have time to screech, collapsing soundlessly on my legs, completely limp as its blood cascades over me. I lift my head to meet Silas's blazing red eyes.

His gun remains aimed at the Afflicted for a moment, stepping forward cautiously.

"Don't move." His voice is so low I barely hear the words, but I see him mouth the words, and is he fucking crazy? I don't think I can move. I'm frozen in place. He moves to my side, nudging the Afflicted with his foot. My heart is in my throat. But it doesn't move. It's very clearly dead.

Silas pushes his gun to the side, and hauls the dead creature off my legs like it's nothing. He backs out of the alcove, looking left and right as he takes his weapon back in his hand, then gestures for me and Matt to follow him.

"Come on," he says in a low voice.

I wobble to my feet holding on to Matt, and we stay ducked down as we run after Silas. He takes us to a small green wooden building, throwing open the door and standing aside, his eyes scanning the compound as we go through the door.

He leans in and points to a chemical shower in the corner of the room. "Wash her down," he says to Matt, "and make sure none of the blood gets into her eyes or nose. Put the clothes in there." He points to a yellow biohazard bin on the other side of the room. He slams the door shut and the metallic lock clicks into place behind him.

I'm shaking so badly I can't take my clothes off, so Matt has to do it for me. I stand under the shower, and clench my eyes shut, terrified some of the blood will make its way into my body. I start to cry as the water runs over me, and I slump against the wall.

"It's OK, you're OK," Matt says, over and over. He must be in shock too. His voice is almost vacant. Finally the water runs clear, and I sob with relief that I can't taste blood, or see it, or smell it. Matt turns to get a towel from a steel trolley, and rubs me until my skin is raw. "You're OK." It's all he says, robotically, over and over until his voice seems to give out.

I wrap the towel around myself and sink onto a chair. There's more gunfire in the distance. Matt sits on the floor under the window, his legs stretched out in front of him. I can"t stop fucking shaking. I was so sure I was going to die. And I would have, if it wasn't for… for Silas.

He saved me because I'm his food, it's no different to a farmer saving a cow from drowning even when they know it'll be a cheeseburger in a week. Of course he saved me. I'm an asset, something he needs.

"You OK?" Matt asks after a while.

"Yeah," I say, goosebumps breaking out across my skin. My jaw is chattering. "Just cold." Cold? In shock? Both?

Matt crawls across the floor and checks the steel trolley, finding a set of blue scrubs packed up in plastic. "Here," he says, tearing the packaging open.

I pull the scrubs on, which are a little big, but at least I'm not shivering naked in a towel anymore. I crawl down onto the floor next to Matt, and he puts his arm around me. I'm so numb the gunfire doesn't even make me flinch anymore. We just sit and wait, holding each other.

* * *

I don't knowhow long we sit there, it must be at least two hours.

The screams, shouts and gunfire die down. There's a rushing sound, like flames, and after a while I can smell smoke and something else, something awful. I remain slumped against Matt, my back starting to hurt from sitting on the hard ground, but too scared to move. Footfalls pass the window, shouted commands. Feeders calling for medi packs, stretchers, more fuel.

Matt hasn't said a word. We're both silent, waiting to be told it's safe to come out.

I hear engines starting, and there's the metallic sound of a saw somewhere off in the distance.

The door opens, and Silas looks into the building, glancing around the door to find our spot on the floor. He drops to his knees, and I eye him warily. His uniform is splattered with blood, his hands covered in all kinds of carnage, and his face is full of concern.

"You alright?" He's only looking at me.

"Is it over?"

"It's over."

I nod. "Good."

Silas's brow furrows, his jaw tensing as though he wants to say more. Instead, he gets to his feet, gesturing for us to follow.

My legs feel stiff as we walk across the compound, from sitting curled up against Matt for so long. The feeders are building up bonfires at the far end of the compound, and tractors with large buckets are picking up the bleeding remains of the Afflicted which are scattered everywhere.

Silas escorts us back to the dorm. Matt goes ahead and opens the door, waiting for me to follow him.

I pause and turn to Silas. He's looking down at me with those rusty red eyes, and his face is almost sad.

"Thank you for saving me."

"Any time." His hand moves a little at his side, like he's moving to touch me, but he doesn't. "I told you I'd look out for you, didn"t I?"

I scoff, shaking my head. I don't know what to say. He doesn't mean anything by it. I'm desperate for humanity in a vampire, in a fucking feeder. He doesn't care about me. It doesn't matter that he's looking at me with concern right now. He's a predator, and I'm his food.

Without another word I follow Matt into the dorm, and stop myself from looking over my shoulder to see if Silas is still there, watching me.