Chapter 31

31

W e'd spent hours in the ER. Laney needed three stitches to close the gash. Unfortunately the cut was jagged so the ER doc wouldn't glue it. Thankfully it was close to her hairline so if any scar was left it wouldn't be noticeable. And I say thankfully, because I didn't want each time Delaney saw the scar for it to bring up something painful.

Every member of our family was outside in the waiting room. My dad, Uncle Levi, Uncle Clark, Ethan, and Nick were the last to arrive. They'd stayed behind at the crime scene. Ethan's one-time partner, Officer Oscar Lorenz, had followed us to the hospital and had graciously waited until Delaney was situated before he'd started his questioning. He'd also been slow and gentle with her as she took us through what happened.

Jasper's face had turned to stone, and only softened when Laney got to the end of her ordeal and was talking about swinging with her eyes closed, hoping she'd make contact. I think he may've muttered, that's my girl , but I couldn't be sure. What I was sure about was we'd gotten damn lucky.

Dana had fired three shots at Jasper's house, one shot into the air, which meant there was one bullet left when they'd been fighting. One last bullet. She'd pointed her gun at me and I'd shot her.

In a quiet moment of self-reflection, I searched my feelings about ending the woman's life and found no remorse. Dana's intent had been clear, she'd meant to cause grave harm to Delaney, and I'd always pick Laney's life over anyone. There was no hesitation, no second-guessing myself, I knew what had to be done and took the shot. And in doing so I saved Laney's life and possibly the life of our child.

After Lorenz left with the standard, don't leave town , Jasper stepped out of the room and Delaney'd peppered me with questions about Dana Lowe, even though she'd heard what I'd told Lorenz, which was everything. She was in disbelief. But, of course, someone as good and kind as Delaney would be shocked. She couldn't fathom the evil some people have in them. It wasn't in her to think the worst of people. She wasn't jagged like I was. Sweet and innocent, that was my Delaney, and I'd go to great measures to make sure she stayed that way.

"Sorry for the long wait," the doctor said, walking into the room. "Your test results are back."

Delaney shifted on the gurney and I picked up her hand and brought it to my mouth and brushed my lips against her battered knuckles.

"And?" Laney impatiently asked.

"Positive. You're pregnant."

Emotion hit my chest, so many emotions I didn't even know existed. Excitement and fear for sure, but then there was a new kind of protectiveness. I had never loved someone so much—sight unseen. It was instant. It was monumental. It was overwhelming.

It's funny how one word could change your life. In a single second everything changed for me.

I was a father and this time I'd be able to hold my child.

Delaney, the girl I fell in love with, the woman who owned my heart, was the mother of my child.

Finally.

My eyes drifted closed and I took a moment to let that settle over me. We did it. We made it.

Laney squeezed my hand and I waited a few beats, still enjoying the beauty that had taken root, the joy that was flowing through me, warming me from the inside out.

I finally opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Delaney's pretty smile. I'd seen it a lot over the years. I could remember all the way back to when I was five and she was two. I could remember when she was ten and I was thirteen. I could remember her middle school graduation, high school, college, and every moment between. We'd been together for every milestone, every celebration, all of the good times, all of the sad. So I'd seen her smiling and happy a ton over the years. But I'd never seen her look like she did now.

This smile was different. Pure joy. Serenity. Full of hope and promise.

Our future.

Delaney and Carter—the way it had always been written. The way it was supposed to be.

"I sent the results to Dr. Butler. You should follow up with her," the doctor said, cutting through my thoughts. "Congratulations. Do you have any questions?"

"Would it be possible for you to send our parents in?" Laney asked.

"Of course. I'm guessing your family is the very large group all pacing the waiting area?" The doctor smiled.

"Yeah. Lenox and Walker, those are the only two we need," I told her.

"Again, congratulations."

The doctor walked out and I looked back at Delaney. With my heart in my throat I said the only thing I could.

"Thank you."

"I think that's what I'm supposed to say to you. You're the one who saved me."

"Not talking about that." I sat down in the chair next to her bed and finally did what I'd wanted to do since the doctor confirmed what we'd suspected, and that was place my hand over her stomach.

There was nothing to feel, no bump, no protruding belly, but I felt it all the same. Under my palm was the most precious gift Laney could ever give me. There was a life growing. A life that Delaney and I made. Together.

"The doctor said you wanted to see us?" The trepidation clear in Emily's voice.

I waited until my dad stepped inside the small ER exam room and looked at all four of them. The best examples of what a parent should be. Two mothers who loved so fiercely, so hard you couldn't miss their devotion to their children. Two men, who were wise, mentors, examples, humble heroes, and ferocious protectors.

Then I glanced back at Delaney. She'd inherited the best of her parents. A woman I was so damn proud to have stand next to me, I was bursting with pride. I knew I didn't deserve her loyalty after the shit I pulled, but I'd spend the rest of my life making it up to her. She'd never regret loving me.

"Everything all right?" my dad asked.

"Yeah," Laney whispered. "You wanna tell them?"

I drew in a deep breath before I announced, "Delaney's having a baby."

This time the tears I saw in my mom's eyes and streaming down Emily's cheeks didn't cause my gut to twist. And when the two men cleared their throats, and held their women close, I knew it wasn't from extreme pain they were feeling for their children.

"It's still early. A lot can—"

"My baby girl's having a baby," Emily whispered, cutting Laney off.

"Mom…"

Emily ignored Delaney and looked at my mom, smiling so huge, so full of happiness that when Laney sniffled, I knew she'd seen it, too.

"We're happy for you both," my dad said.

Jasper was suspiciously quiet, yet he was wearing his thoughts clear as day.

"Dad?" Laney called, but it was me Jasper addressed.

"Gave you thirty days. Would've given you however long you needed to put that smile on my daughter's face. We've all waited a long time to see this. It was worth the wait. Better than I imagined it would feel. Knowing my daughter has a man by her side I respect; one I know will love and protect her better than I can. Now you're givin' me more. Thought the day I gave my daughter to you, I'd be filled with happiness. I was wrong, this isn't happiness, this is goddamn elation. This is all that is right in the world. This is every dream my daughter's ever had come true. You'll learn this soon, but nothing a father wants more than to see his child safe and happy. Could not be more thrilled you are that man for Delaney."

"'Preciate that more than you know," I croaked, overwhelmed by his approval.

"No, Carter, I do know. I know the man you are, the husband you'll be to my daughter, and father to my grandchildren. I know down to my soul you were born for her. No other man would do. Not in my eyes, not in hers."

"Can't even say welcome to the family." My dad laughed. "But, Delaney, I can say Lily and I loved you since the day you were born. Still remember the look on your dad's face when he heard he was having a girl. Sheer panic set in. That was the day your dad understood the meaning of fear. He had a boy, a son, he loved beyond measure, but a baby girl is something different. Suddenly, he understood what vulnerability truly meant. And from then on, I swear he was groomin' my boy to love you. Carter was three. I knew when you fell off your bike when you were ten and Carter carried you home, the way you looked up at him with stars in your eyes, blood drippin' down your boney little legs, it wouldn't have mattered what your dad did, you'd laid claim to my boy. And that's when I knew, he'd be all right. No matter what he did, where he went, the struggles he'd face—you'd be there. And with you by his side, the woman you'd become, I knew he'd have a beautiful life. Know I don't say it enough, but I'm proud of you, Delaney."

"Thank you, Uncle…I mean, Lenox," Laney whispered.

"We're really gonna have to work on that," my mom huffed. "I'm not having my grandbaby hear his mama callin' his grandfather ‘uncle'. Jeez."

The room exploded in laughter and the heavy was gone.

"What? I'm serious." My mom slapped my dad on his chest and he easily caught her hand and held it to his heart.

"I know you are, sweetheart." My dad chuckled.

Jasper's movement caught my attention as he was pulling his phone out of his back pocket.

"Nick?" Then there was a pause. "That fast?" Another wait, then he nodded and continued. "Right. Thanks. I'll let them know."

"Know what?" Dad asked before I could.

"SSA Gonzales personally went to the Lowe residence and spoke to Derek and Dana's parents. They helpfully provided Christmas cards, handwritten letters, and a diary. Gonzales says he's certain Dana wrote the letter and mailed it to Delaney. Something about the letter, line, and formatting being the same but he's sending it to a forensic document examiner to be sure."

"I'm so stupid. I should've—"

"Don't do that. That's lookin' in the past."

"No. It's admitting I was wrong and I shoulda listened to you. You told me there was something wrong with her."

"And I could've been wrong. I could've been acting like an overprotective jerk. And you rightly called me on it. I don't ever want the things I've seen to stifle who you are. I don't want my cynicism to taint the good in you. It's done. It's over. She can never hurt you again. And now we move on. You have an important job to do and mine is to make you safe while you're doin' it. Free to be who you are—my sweet, carefree Laney. You leave the rest to me."

"What's my job?"

"Growing my son."

"That's not a job, you know?"

Her brows pinched together and she looked cute as hell and mildly irritated.

"Laney baby, growin' a Lenox boy in that belly of yours is definitely a full-time job."

"He's not wrong," my mom added. "It's like they suck the life out of you. And then as a reward for going through nine months of them invading your body, they treat you to a lifetime of sleepless nights."

My mom sounded like she was complaining, but she was full of shit.

"Right." Laney giggled.

"Right," my mom returned with a wink.

I glanced down at my woman, and after all she'd been through she was smiling and happy. We were having a baby. Life was good.

And I was gonna be a dad.

Hell, yes!

"What the hell is he doing?"

"Lenox! Take the fucking shot."

"Tell him to get back."

"She's not a threat. She's holding a—"

"He needs to get the fuck back."

The baby squirmed, and in the chaos my focus zeroed in on the sound of the infant's cries.

No fucking choice. I had to. I had one shot to take out the mother and save the infant.

"Carter! Wake up, honey."

"Take the—"

I pulled the trigger but I was too late.

I fucking hesitated too long.

I closed my eyes against the blast but I knew. I let that innocent baby die .

"Carter!"

My eyes came open, unfocused and I blinked against the harsh light.

"Are you okay? You were thrashing around and shouting." The concern in Delaney's voice gutted me.

Goddamn nightmare.

My hands went to my sweat-drenched face and the pressure from my palms digging into my eye sockets did nothing to wipe the visions from my mind.

"Sorry. I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

Laney was sitting up in bed looking down at me with a scowl, apprehension clear as day in her eyes.

"What were you dreaming about?" I started to shake my head but the lines on her forehead deepened and she squeezed my arm. "You need to talk about it. Please don't hide from me."

I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want Delaney to know what I'd done. I didn't want to taint her perfection more than I already had.

With a heavy, disappointed sigh, Laney started to move away.

"My last deployment," I started. "I'm…fuck…Laney."

Delaney scooted down the bed and laid next to me, wrapping herself around me. I wanted to tell her not to touch me, but I'd never get through telling her what happened if I had to look into her pretty blue eyes. I'd rather die a thousand painful deaths than see the disgust.

On an exhale I rushed through the story. Every last fucked up detail. When I was done her tears mingled with the sweat on my chest and rolled over my heart.

"It wasn't your fault," she whispered.

"It is. I hesitated. Four innocent people died that night because of me."

"Four? I thought there was only one Army guy."

"Our baby," I spat the words out and my gut twisted with regret and shame. "A child for a child."

Delaney jerked at my admission and her limbs tightened.

"God didn't take our baby, because the other one died."

"How do—"

"Carter, honey. Derek Lowe killed our baby. Not you. Not me. The universe wasn't punishing you. What happened to that baby is tragic. But you didn't kill that baby, its mother did. I'm so sorry you had to see that. And I'm so sorry the soldier died, but his death isn't your fault either."

I remained silent staring at the ceiling.

"Do you have nightmares often?"

"Not often, but sometimes."

"You've never woken me."

"I can normally wake myself up before it gets bad and get out of bed."

"Don't ever get out of bed again. Don't ever hide them from me."

I nodded even though I knew I would never wake her up so she could share in my misery. Not because I didn't trust her or because I was hiding. Because Delaney would always sleep easy, her dreams were supposed to be filled with happiness and laughter. Not blood and gore. Not my girl.

"Do you think you were dreaming about your deployment because I'm pregnant?"

"Yes," I answered honestly, then decided it was time to tell her one more truth. "The reason why I left the night you told me about losing the baby is because I had the same nightmare that night. You'd fallen asleep in my arms and when I drifted off to sleep, I was back in Afghanistan. It was so real I could taste the dirt and sand. I could smell the stench of death. All I kept thinking about was how I'd screwed up. My hesitation killed that baby—"

"Honey. I know it's going to take time for you to believe it, but nothing you did or didn't do caused us to lose our baby. Nothing, Carter. We're not living in the past. That's what you said. Together we'll work on banishing your nightmares." Her lips brushed against my chest then she settled back down tucked close to my side. "Do you think you can go back to sleep, or should we get up?"

"Let's get some more sleep."

Laney nodded but said no more. She slept and I laid awake. Some of the weight had lifted but the guilt was tattooed on my soul. I hoped she was right and in time I'd learn to forgive myself. With Delaney by my side, I figured I would.