Chapter 24

24

" Y ou call your dad?" I asked Carter when he came into the bedroom.

As soon as everyone had said their tearful goodbyes, Carter had sent me to get ready for bed while he cleaned up and locked up the house.

I'd taken a long hot shower trying to wash away the sadness. The sting of Lily and Honor's tears still too fresh. Lenox's somber stare was one I would never forget. Yet it was Ethan's words I'd replayed over and over again. He loved hard. Always had. Even as a kid, he felt everything deep and was the first one to rush to your side.

Part of why I'd kept my miscarriage a secret was I knew my family would be heartbroken. Not just for Carter and I but for themselves, too. I'd known they'd all feel the loss. I hadn't wanted that for them. But I'd been wrong.

"Yeah." His voice was low and rough, filled with agony.

"Your mom okay?"

"Not even a little bit. Cried all the way home. Dad just put her to bed and he was headed that way himself when we were getting off the phone."

I hated that. Much like my mom, Lily was crushed. Lenox didn't look much better and Ethan had taken it harder than I'd thought. Though he was a Lenox man—therefore I should've expected his reaction.

"I'm sorry, honey," I whispered.

"So am I. But my dad will see her through. I hope you know mom's gonna hover for a while. You know how she gets. She's gonna stick close until she can ascertain you're all right."

"I know. My mom's doing the same."

"You sure you're okay with my mom and yours telling the rest of the family?"

That was something we'd discussed. I didn't want to keep telling the story but everyone needed to know. It may've been the chickenshit thing to do but the one thing I knew was everyone would understand.

"Yeah, after I tell my sisters. I texted Quinn and the twins and asked them over tomorrow for lunch."

"You need me to be here?"

That was pure Carter, he'd leave work and come home and sit by my side when I talked to my sisters if I needed him to.

"No. I'll be okay."

"You sure? I know how hard it is for you to talk about it."

"It was. But I'm finding it a little easier. It helps knowing that others will remember her, too."

"If you change your mind, call me. I'll come home."

"I know you will. Thank you."

"Speaking of my sisters." I started but paused when he pulled his shirt over his head. "We need to talk about Quinn."

"Laney—"

"Don't interrupt me," I snapped. "I should be pissed you pulled that stunt sending her in to do your bidding. But…"

He was down to his boxers and coming toward the bed and I had to get this out of the way.

"But what?" he prompted.

"I'm gonna preface this by saying, you still might not be right."

Carter's face changed and his eyes narrowed. "What happened?"

"Nothing really. I'm sure I'm overthinking this because you've put crazy thoughts in my head, but Natalie was acting a little weird."

"Weird how?"

Carter's voice had taken on a hard edge full of worry and I rushed to explain. "Maybe not weird, but she was being really nosy. It went beyond normal questions. At least I thought so. I know some people lack social grace and don't understand when they're prying but something felt off."

"What was she asking?"

"A lot of questions about Parkside. She even asked if the high school had fitted the front entrance with metal detectors and call boxes. When she noticed I was uncomfortable she told me she was curious because she'd seen on the news how most schools were locked down. And she asked a lot of questions about you. Where you lived, specifically if you lived with me, and she asked what you did for a living."

"What'd you tell her?"

"That we live together and you are a security consultant and expert."

"Good." He smiled, pleased with my answer. "What about the school?"

"I told her that Parkside's security is the best in the state. I was a little freaked out she was asking about the metal detectors, which we don't have. Then she started talking about how much she loved the beach. The Atlantic Ocean, specifically. And how she spent a lot of time near the water because it helped her think. She asked if I liked it, too."

"The Atlantic? Thought she was from Chicago."

"Yeah, that's why I thought it was a little strange. The way she was talking about it, like she visited regularly when she was younger. So I asked her about living in Chicago. And I kid you not, it took her a full minute staring at me for her to understand what I was talking about. When she recovered, she blew it off by saying that was why she left the city and chose Georgia. Because we had great beaches from Virginia down to Florida and she could be at one within a few hours. Individually none of that would give me the creeps but put it all together and it bothered me. I was ready for lunch to be over when Quinn showed up. Her timing was perfect. Natalie wasn't happy for the intrusion, but she masked her irritation quickly."

"Did she mention why she was in Chicago?"

"She said she went to art school there."

"But she's lookin' for retail jobs at the mall?"

Damn, he didn't miss anything. "Yeah."

"Anything else that gave you pause?"

"She asked about my family but dodged the topic of hers. Said she wasn't close with them. But then later she said that her brother had died and she was still heartbroken. When I asked about him, she told me he died in a car accident when she was a kid. Then promptly changed the subject. I understand not wanting to talk about something painful, and going into auto pilot when recalling a bad memory, but the way she was talking was like…I don't know…like she was making it up as she went along. God, I'm going to hell for saying that. But I swear that's what it felt like."

Thankfully Carter didn't rub it in that he could be right, Natalie could be a complete whackjob. But on the other hand, maybe every word she'd told me was true and she was simply lost and all alone in the world and needed a friend. I didn't like thinking poorly about people, but I learned the hardest of ways, that people do bad things.

"I don't want you to—"

"You don't have to say it. If I see her again, I'll avoid her. If she calls, I'll let it go to voicemail and text her with an excuse. I asked her what her last name was. She told me it was Whitefield."

"Thank you," he muttered and hauled me closer to kiss my forehead. "Ready for bed?"

"Yeah, but could you hand me my phone first? I need to add my lunch date with Honor and Carson into my calendar so I don't forget."

"The infamous social calendar." He chuckled before he sobered. "You sure you're all right having lunch with them?"

"Yes. And don't make fun of my calendar. You know I forget things if I don't write them down."

"Babe, you're the only person I know who has three calendars. All of them have the exact same shit written on them."

He handed me my phone off the nightstand and I pulled up my calendar. He was correct, I did have three. My phone, a day planner in my purse, and one hung in my kitchen. He was also accurate that each one was the same. It was a habit I started in college and it's stuck. I needed things in triplicate or I'd forget. I wrote everything down.

"Yeah, well, what can I say? I'm special that way."

"You're something all right." I could hear the humor in his voice. "What did Honor say about…"

I was no longer paying attention to Carter's words, my head was swimming at my idiocy.

Holy shit.

No.

How could I have forgotten?

"What's wrong?"

"Um."

"Laney."

"Shit. I'm not on birth control anymore. I haven't been since…well, I'm just not. I forgot."

"So?"

"So?" My voice was shrill even to my own ears. "I could get pregnant."

"Again, so?"

"No, Carter, I can get pregnant. We've been having unprotected sex for days and my period is due in ten days."

"And?"

"Did you not pay attention in sex ed? Did no one ever tell you about a woman's cycle and when they ovulate? I could be pregnant."

"Babe, I see you're freaked out, but I'm not sure why."

Was he crazy? Why wasn't he freaking out? I was certainly getting ready to hyperventilate. We couldn't have a baby. Not right now. Not when we were still rocky. And what if something happened again? What if I lost another baby?

No. I didn't want another baby. Not now. Not like this. Maybe not ever again.

"We're not married," I said in a lame attempt to hide what was truly bothering me.

"We will be soon."

"What?" I shrieked.

"Yeah, Laney baby, soon we'll be married. So I don't see what the big deal is if you get pregnant now or in a few months from now."

Months, months , now I knew he was nuts.

"So, you're telling me we're getting married. You're not gonna ask me, you just assume my answer is yes."

"Delaney, will you marry me?"

My body went solid and my breath fled. Words I'd waited so long to hear lingered around me and I was pissed.

"No."

"No?"

"Yeah, Carter. No."

"Why not?"

Why not? Well, for starters, as I'd mentioned, I waited for what had felt like my entire life to hear him ask me that question, and I damn well wasn't going to accept his proposal when it was an off-the-cuff question when we were sitting in bed after I'd just talked to his parents, brother, and sister-in-law about us losing our baby. After I'd told him about a woman he'd been warning me about and me admitting he could be right about her being a few cookies short of a dozen. But most especially not after I'd told him I could be pregnant and I didn't know how I felt about that.

But I didn't tell him any of that. Instead I said, "I'm not ready."

"Not ready? Baby, what's really wrong?"

You know the best and worst part of being in love with your best friend? They know you. Well and good. Inside and out. Which brought me to the second best and worst part—they'd call you on your bullshit. That coming from one of your girls—great. They wouldn't let you try and blow sunshine and get to the bottom of whatever ailed you. It coming from the man you were trying to keep a secret from—not great.

Annoying was more like it.

"Let's just go to bed." I handed him my phone and he haphazardly tossed it back on the nightstand and I bit back my irritation for his rough handling of an electronic device that cost more than my damn TV.

"Not until you tell me what's bothering you."

We went into a stare down. I was good at them, I'd had a lot of practice over the years but so had Carter. After a few minutes I broke the silence, proving he was better. Maybe not better, because I was known as the master, perhaps I'd given in because I was tired of holding back. Tired of keeping everything bottled up. It was exhausting keeping secrets.

"I'm not sure how I feel at the possibility I could be pregnant," I whispered, loathing myself for admitting it.

"Baby."

"I don't know if I want kids."

"What?"

I felt that one word straight to my heart. The disbelief. The confusion. It was guttural. And it was thick with accusation.

"We've already lost a lot. Too much. What if it happens again? What if it wasn't Lowe's attack that caused me to miscarry? What if there was just something wrong? What if I can't carry—"

"Don't do that, Laney baby. Don't play the what-if game. It's pointless. All it will do is fuck with your head. Did the doctor tell you there was something you should be worried about?"

"No."

"Then we're not gonna worry about it."

"But…" I trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"When the time comes we'll cross that bridge. Until then we're not gonna worry about it."

"We may've crossed the bridge, Carter. That's not what you're understanding."

Carter rolled, nudged me so I was flat on my back, and rolled again until he was on top of me. He settled between my legs giving me no option but to spread them wide or they'd be pinned under him.

"I hate that you're scared, but I'm happy as fuck you might be pregnant. Don't care that might make me sound like an asshole, but I'm happy. You're not alone anymore. I'm here and not leaving. So when the time comes, and I hope it is now, I'll be standing next to you when you take that test. I'll be there holding your hand when we listen to our baby's heartbeat. Every step. Every day. We're gonna have our Rainbow Baby, Laney. And I know you want that just as much as I do. I know you're afraid, but I promise you I'll never leave your side. Swear it. No matter what, we got this. Together. We'll get through whatever's thrown at us. You and me, just like the way it was always meant to be."

I wasn't alone. No matter what.

How different would it have been if Carter had been home the first time? Would he have stopped me from getting involved in Jason and Mercy's case? Would I have been so preoccupied with my life and Carter that I would've answered their questions but not be nosy and start digging deeper even though they told me not to? Would I have been more excited and less scared?

"You're thinking about the past, baby." Carter pulled me from my thoughts. "Stay with me. Here in the present looking forward toward our future. You and me and however many babies you'll give me. Don't go back there, not to the dark times."

I didn't have a chance to respond.

His mouth landed on mine, his tongue swept in and I was lost in the magic.

Then he did other stuff. Really great stuff and I wasn't thinking about anything other than the way he moved inside of me.

After that I was too exhausted to think of all the what-ifs, and instead I fell asleep thinking that if I was pregnant, it might just be all right—I wasn't alone.