Chapter 18

18

C arter was out of the shower and dressed. The lasagna was out of the oven and cooling. And I was having a minor panic attack. I knew what tonight was and for the first time in my life, I wasn't looking forward to my parents' visit.

"Laney baby, calm down." Carter came up behind me, brushed my hair off my shoulder, and kissed my neck before he wrapped his arms around me.

"I don't want to do this," I told him.

"Everything's gonna be fine. We have to talk to them."

We didn't have to do anything. We could just continue on the way we were. At least until I figured out if this starting over business was going to work.

I'd spent the day trying to convince myself we should put a stop to the madness before more people got hurt, but Mercy's words kept playing in my head. I tried telling myself it was too late for Carter and me and we should learn to just be friends, but that thought made my heart hurt.

I'd even spent time picturing Carter with another woman. Him bringing her to family barbeques, him marrying this pretend woman, having children with her, and I'd actually broken down into tears. The visions were torture. Pure agony. I'd never live through seeing that. I'd have to move away and disconnect with everyone.

Those thoughts brought me to what Carter must've felt when he'd seen me with Steve. If I'd cried at the mere thought of him touching or kissing another woman, I wondered what it was like for him to actually witness it. Then I remembered the times he'd told me in that new bossy tone he'd started taking with me, telling me to never mention another man and I understood why he was behaving the way he was.

"I'm sorry about Steve," I blurted out and Carter went solid.

"Delaney," he warned, his tone immediately taking a hard edge. "Don't."

"I need to."

"Do not go there."

"I have to. I need to explain."

"No, you don't. I told you I don't want to know and I don't. I understand what you were trying to do, but I do not want the details."

"You don't understand."

He stepped back putting distance between us and I turned to face him. I hated the squint in his eyes and the space we now had. Even him pressed against my back stiff as a board was better than the cold I felt when he wasn't touching me.

"I saw him walking in holding your hand. That fucker put himself between me and you. The only person here who doesn't understand is you. You have no clue what it took for me not to rip that asswipe's head off when he stepped in front of you trying to keep me from getting to you. You have no clue what I felt when I saw his arm around you walking you to the orchard. And lastly, watching him kiss you. His fucking lips on my woman. So, no, Delaney, we don't need to talk about jack shit. Leave it alone."

"I didn't know you'd be there."

"No, I guess you didn't. But I knew you'd be there and knew he was coming. I also knew that shit was going to piss me off but what I didn't know until I saw it was it didn't piss me off—it fucking shredded me."

"You knew?"

"Ethan told me."

Well, that explained a lot. I'd known my family had allowed me to walk into that shit show but I hadn't known they'd actually thrown me under the bus and told Carter to be there.

"I went on seven dates with him."

"Stop."

"He'd been asking me for years and I'd always turned him down. I thought I needed to move on and to do that I agreed on a date. He's a nice guy. He knew I was holding back but never pushed me to open up and share. He never even invited me to his place. We went to dinner, to a jazz bar, he took me to Savannah for an art exhibit, and we went rock climbing once. Those were our dates. He called a lot and we'd talk on the phone."

"Please stop."

I ignored his request and continued. I needed to get this out. I needed to clear the air and he had to know the truth. "And I kissed him."

"Delaney," he growled.

"I'd never kissed anyone but you. It was different. Not bad, but it didn't make me feel anything. It wasn't magic. It never went any further. I didn't sleep with him and he'd kept his hands to himself."

"That's enough."

Some of the bite had left his voice but he was still angry.

"He never spent the night. He came into the house once, we sat on the couch and talked but he left. I need you to know everything that happened. Steve's a nice guy and he didn't deserve what I did to him. I feel bad for that and one day I'm going to have to talk to him and tell him. I didn't know I was doing it at the time but I used him. I couldn't have you, I was hurting and lonely and used him to fill my time. That sucks. That's not the type of person I am and I need him to know I'm sorry. I also flat-out lied to him and told him I'd never been in a long-term relationship. I didn't want to bring you into what I thought I was starting with Steve. That was wrong, too.

"I hate thinking about you with the girls in high school. But I can understand. I know what it feels like to love someone so much but you can't be with them and it hurts so damn bad you just want something to dull the ache. I know I wasn't your first. Some of the girls you were with I saw, some I only heard about, but I knew your reputation. Girls talked. And every time I'd hear how good the legendary Carter Lenox was, I wanted to throat punch someone. You were giving other girls what I wanted. And it had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with your time and attention. I wanted to be the one lying next to you. But I understand now what you were doing and why. You were a teenager; we weren't together and it was wrong of me to bring it up. I'm sorry for that."

He was silent for a long time, but his eyes never left mine. I couldn't read his expression, and to be honest it was a little scary. He didn't want to know about Steve and I'd still pushed it on him. But I had to get it all out. He also had to know I was sorry for bringing up the past. Going all the way back to high school had been a low blow and I knew it even as I was bringing it up.

"We should talk about high school."

"No, we shouldn't. I just wanted to apologize."

"You opened the door, Laney. Not only that but you ran through it telling me about Steve. I can't tell you how happy it makes me you didn't fuck him and I know it makes me a dick because you're right, I have slept with other girls. I'm still pleased as shit I'm the only man that's ever touched you. But even if you had, it would kill me but it'd change nothing between us.

"As for high school, I couldn't have you. And, yes, I was a teenage boy and didn't have a clue. I gave into what my body wanted. Doesn't make it right, doesn't excuse it, and I regret you weren't my first. But you are my last and that is what matters to me. What I want you to get is, none of those girls had my time or attention, not in the way you're thinking. There was no mental foreplay and after-sex cuddling. At the risk of me sounding like a monumental dick, and, Laney baby, I know it makes me one, I got off and left. I felt nothing other than a half-ass orgasm and regret."

I winced at his description; it did make him sound like an asshole.

"You don't understand why your brother had warned off every guy in high school. You thought it was because of me, that he had my back and knew how much I was into you. But it wasn't. Your brother knew how guys our age thought and his sister wasn't going to be some asshole's orgasm.

"I'm sorry you saw me kissing Lorraine. But the thing you never knew was, I knew the second you rounded the corner and saw us. It was at a football game, the crowd was cheering, I should've been into the kiss but I wasn't. I felt you approach just like I always did. I didn't need to see you to know you were close. But when I broke the kiss and you looked like someone had slapped you, I took Lorraine home and never touched her again. That kiss you witnessed was the one and only she ever got from me. You want details about the rest, I'll try and remember. But, baby, I hope you don't. Because that is one stroll down memory lane I don't wanna walk and I don't see how it would do any good. But I promised you complete openness and that includes all the regret and ugly shit I've done."

No. I absolutely didn't want to talk about high school and other girls. Just knowing there were others was enough, I didn't want any details. I didn't want to know if there were more than I knew about and really, none of them mattered even if I had been the one to bring it up in an attempt to rub it in his face.

The doorbell rang and I froze.

"We good?" he asked.

I nodded because I was no longer thinking about the past but instead my present situation.

"You want details later?"

"Absolutely not."

"You ready to leave all that shit where it belongs and move forward?"

"Yes."

"Thank fuck. Come here, Laney." I didn't argue or delay. I moved straight to him. His arms went around me, my face to his chest, and he kissed the top of my head. "No matter what, everything's gonna be okay. They love you. I love you. You're safe to say everything you need to and all of us will be here to cushion the fall."

I believed that. My parents loved me and they'd be heartbroken for us, but they'd do everything they could to help me through the pain.

"What about you?"

"What about me?" he returned.

"Are you going to let me cushion the fall?"

His arms spasmed before they squeezed me tight.

"Laney baby, you're doing it. You in my arms is all I need."

My eyes closed and I let his words sift through me. Once we got past the bumps, we were gonna be just fine.

I knew Carter would love me through it.

My mom had tears streaming down her cheeks, my dad had a look of complete devastation.

I'd just finished telling them everything.

Carter had me tucked close just like my dad had my mom.

The look on my mom's face as I told her about the baby and me miscarrying was something I'd never forget. She'd gone from shocked, to hear I'd been pregnant, to tortured when I talked about losing him or her.

Now everyone was speechless and I hated I'd hurt my parents. I'd pushed them away and hadn't turned to them for support. I was close to my mom and I knew she was feeling my deflection as betrayal.

"I'm sorry, Mom."

"What?" The word was hard to hear through her tears. "Sweet girl, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"I should've told you. But I couldn't. It hurt so bad I couldn't talk about it. Even with you."

"We understand." My mom leaned farther into my dad and his arms flexed around her. "You're our Rainbow Baby, Delaney."

"What?"

I had no idea what that was.

"Before you I was pregnant. It was early, very early, but I had all the symptoms. I took a home test. When it was positive, we went to get blood work done. The pregnancy was confirmed. The next week we went back for my first real appointment and there was no heartbeat. We had an ultrasound and we were told I'd miscarried. So we understand. Then I got pregnant with you. You're our Rainbow Baby. A child born after a miscarriage."

"I had no idea," I whispered.

"Can't say you ever get over the loss of a child," my dad croaked.

Oh, shit. Oh, no. My dad had lost his daughter Alesha before he'd met my mom. She'd been stillborn and Alesha's mom had died, too. Something that had marked my dad down to his soul. I hated that he was thinking about them in a painful way.

"Dad." I tried to stop him.

"It's a void that can never be filled. I spent years trying to forget. Years denying I was in pain. Years hiding from anything that resembled a family because the pain was too much. The day you were born, Carter, I bailed. I was scared shitless of you. But Lily refused to let me avoid you for long and set you in my arms and called me Uncle Jasper and I knew I'd lay down my life to protect yours. Your birth started me on a path to healing. Jason coming into my life continued that. But it was only because of Emily and how she loved me that mended what was broken. None of those things, none of my other children fill the void, but all of those things combined fill me in a way that allows me to love the children I've lost and miss them but it is no longer a bleeding gash I hide from.

"Don't let loss stop you from moving on. Don't hide from it. We understand if you don't want the rest of the family to know, but if you open up, I think you'll find a lot of people that will love your baby as much as you do. And I think that will help you. And if nothing else, I think Lily should know."

Love my baby.

"He's right, Laney. We'll both always feel it, the loss of our first child, but together we'll get through it. One day, we'll have our own Rainbow Baby, and he or she will never replace our first—nothing ever will. But that child will be a beautiful testament to our love and your strength. I don't want to keep this a secret. It's gonna hurt, but our child shouldn't be forgotten."

"What?" His comment slammed into my chest. "I don't want to forget."

"I know you don't, that's why I think all of the people who would've loved and protected him should know he existed."

"Could've been a she, Carter."

"Maybe. But thinking on it, I think God would've given us a boy first. Not just so he'd grow up to protect his little sisters but a boy to love his momma the way only a son can. Then you'd give me girls and they'd look at me the way you look at your dad. One day we're gonna have that, Laney. I promise you."

There he was making me more promises. Only this time I didn't protest and fight against the trail of happiness as the vow washed through me.

I embraced it.

I believed it.

One day we'd have it all.

I looked up at Carter, his arm still around me and his eyes mirrored mine. He believed it, too. I wish in that moment, I would've known what life really had in store for us. I would've spent more time memorizing his face. I would've told him then and there how much I loved him. I wouldn't have waited.

But life's a funny thing, even when you think you've learned the fragility of life, you still don't listen.