9. Clara

Chapter 9

Clara

Ethan gives me another silly gamer shirt to wear and pulls his pajama pants back on. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to think about anything other than what just happened in the shower. It was a life-changing moment. My whole being changed.

We make our way into the kitchen and pull out the things his staff left for us this afternoon. There is fresh cut fruit, sandwiches, pasta salad, and chocolate cake for dessert.

"I asked for the chocolate cake. You said it was your favorite and I wanted to make sure that I had your favorite things on board," he says while kissing my neck.

I don't think we've stopped touching each other. Even when getting dressed, we were practically in each other's laps and Ethan helped me pull on the shirt I'm wearing.

"You're on board, so I already have my favorite thing," I reply honestly. My feelings for this gorgeous man are so deep and so scary. It's too soon to feel so much, but I guess I'm more like my St. James siblings than I thought. Once we know, we know.

Ethan stops his tortuously slow kissing down my chest and lifts me so that I'm sitting on the counter of the kitchen island. We are now eye to eye, and he looks so serious. My stomach drops as I begin to think that maybe he doesn't feel the same way. Maybe this is just fun for him. He's older, more experienced, and there isn't a clear path to a shared future.

"Do you know what you do to me?" he asks, his voice different than I've ever heard from him before. His eyes never waver from mine as he waits for me to answer.

"I guess not," I answer with such trepidation. I'm not sure I want to know the answer if it isn't good. I want to live in my happy bubble for longer.

"You slay me." He stops, shakes his head, and continues, "Not just that. I've never been around someone I feel so comfortable with. I want to tell you everything, but I also just want to sit in a room with you and do nothing."

I inhale, not realizing that I had stopped breathing while waiting for his answer. "I feel the same way. I'm so glad I'm getting to spend this trip with you. I wanted to do it alone, but the last few days with you have shown me that it just needs to be the right person for something to be magical."

Something dims in his eyes for a brief second, but I don't know if I really saw it or if I just imagined it. But then he steps back, and I know that I didn't imagine it. What could have caused a change? I'm afraid to ask.

"We need to eat and there's something we need to talk about." Ethan begins putting food on a plate for me. He's not meeting my eyes and I feel a chill run through my body. How did we go from such a great moment to this?

"Okay, Ethan." It's all I can think to say in response.

He hands me my plate and tells me to head into the movie room he showed me earlier. I remember where it is and make my way there. I pull out my phone and see that I have several messages from my family. I send a quick "I'm alive" text to my brothers and a text to my mom asking her to tell them to give me some space. I shouldn't have to check in every day. I hear the alerts letting me know that my siblings and probably their spouses are responding. It's morning at home, but I'm not in the mood to get into it with any of them right now.

Ethan walks into the room and sits on the other end of the couch I'm sitting on. We aren't touching anymore. A pit starts to form in my stomach. "Lots of texts coming through."

"My family," I say with a weak smile. "I sent them my daily proof of life text."

"It's nice that they worry." Ethan looks me over, opens his mouth, and then closes it.

"What?" The question comes out sharper than I intended, but I'm starting to get a headache, and honestly, my heart hurts.

"I was going to ask if you wanted a big family, but then I thought that's probably not a question you ask a friend on vacation."

There's hurt in his voice, not pettiness, despite how he worded his statement. I think back to the things I've said and try to understand what's happening. Finally, I just ask him.

"Do you think I don't have feelings for you? Do you think I would have given myself to anyone I met on this trip? Anyone I made friends with?" My voice rises with each question. If that is what he thinks of me, I need to get out of here. I start frantically looking for my bag.

"No, I don't think you would do that. I know what we shared was special. It was everything to me."

I'm pulling on the shorts I packed in my bag this morning when I thought I would be spending the whole night on the boat with Ethan. Past me thought this would end very differently.

"What are you doing?" he asks, coming to stand near me.

"I think I need to leave."

"Why? N-no," he stammers.

"I don't understand what's happening. One minute we can't stop touching each other and you're telling me that you find peace being in the same space as me and the next you've turned completely cold. I don't deserve that."

Ethan takes a deep breath and hangs his head. "I'm scared, Clara." He raises his head to look me in the eyes. "I've never felt this way. I'm overthinking every word you say and every move you make. You called me your friend earlier and just now you said it was good to have me on vacation with you."

"Ethan, I'm not trying to friend zone you. I wouldn't have let you touch me like you have been if I wasn't falling in love with you." I freeze. I didn't mean to admit that out loud, but it's too late to take it back.

Ethan looks up at me with hope shining from his eyes and the pit that's been growing in my stomach since he turned cold shrinks to almost nothing.

"Falling in love?" He takes a step closer with each word and wraps me in his arms.

I know there's so much more that needs to be discussed, but being in his arms again feels so good.

"Yes."

"Me too, angel." His lips cover mine and we kiss. This kiss is once again different from any other that came before. I'm amazed that every kiss can feel unique. This gentle, emotion-filled kiss might be my favorite. I feel his passion and maybe even his love for me being poured through the kiss and I try to do the same for him.

He pulls away and puts his forehead against mine. "I'm sorry for acting like a jackass. I'm just crazy about you and it's making me act crazy."

"I'll forgive you – once. I watched two of my brothers fall in love and they did some stupid things too. I guess it's just what the male species does." I shrug and laugh right before Ethan grabs me and throws me over his shoulder. He carries me back over to the couch and sits down with me in his lap. No more opposite sides of the couch for us.

We eat our dinner and start to pick a movie to watch. I remember there was something he wanted to talk about. I'm not sure if it was what we already settled, but I don't want there to be any misunderstandings between us, so I just ask.

"Was there something else you wanted to talk about tonight before we start a movie? I'm probably going to fall asleep."

Ethan coughs and his cheeks turn a little red. Now I want to know what he needs to talk about.

"Oh, yeah." He pauses and turns to me so I'm straddling his waist. "We didn't use any birth control earlier."

Huh. It didn't even enter my mind, which is ridiculous. I grew up in a household with five older brothers. The "no glove, no love" conversation happened many times when I could hear. Not that anyone knew I was listening, but come on – sex talk is cool when you're not supposed to be a part of it.

Ethan is watching my face very closely. Does he think I'm going to freak out?

"It's okay. I trust you and I'm on birth control. I should have told you that when I told you I was a virgin." He begins to shake his head, but I stop him. "Yes, I should have. You've been worried about this, I can tell by your face, and the whole time it wasn't an issue. Scarlett, my brother Knox's wife, made me start taking it before I went on this trip. Mostly to protect myself if something happened, but also in case I met someone and wanted to do what we did." Now I'm the one blushing.

Knox would kill Scarlett if he knew she went to the doctor with me to get birth control, but she convinced me that it was just smart. I didn't think I'd be having sex, so what was the point. She very wisely explained that things happen and if I wasn't ready for the responsibility of a child, then I needed to protect myself. I love that woman.

"Do you feel better now?" I ask Ethan.

"I'm glad that we talked about it, but I was mostly worried about how you were going to feel." His dimples come out when he smiles, and I melt. "The thought of having a baby doesn't scare me. Like, if you hadn't been on anything and we had a baby, I think I would have been happy about that."

I swear if I was hooked to an EKG machine it would show that my heart just skipped a beat. Talk about whiplash. I was just about to leave because I thought he didn't see this as something real and now he's saying he would be okay with an accidental pregnancy?

"Ethan?"

"Yes, honey?"

I stare into his eyes for a good thirty seconds, just looking deep into his ocean-blue eyes, trying to see our future. What will happen between us? Can this relationship last?

"I think you might be a little bit crazy."

"I'm crazy about you."