Chapter Fifteen

A fter their unexpected, but orgasmic explorations, they each visited their bathrooms to clean up.

As the water ran down his body and the endorphins faded, reality set in. Oh shit.

The concern circulated in his mind as fatigue got the better of him as he toweled off.

Shit. Shit. Shit!

Was this going to be awkward now? Had they destroyed all the groundwork of the past seven weeks?

Shit. What have I done?

As fantastic as they worked together both in and out of the bedroom, Reynolds needed to keep his head straight. He couldn’t ruin it because his dick needed attention. Specifically, her attention. “Breathe, Reynolds. It was consensual. Mutual. And you’re married.”

With his practical mind solidly in place, he exited his bathroom, fully expecting to find Susan somewhere other than naked in his bed. “Susan?”

She pulled back the covers. “Join me?”

A one-time slip up he could excuse, but this? She was habit-forming. If he were a lesser man, he’d take full advantage of this moment. Take her to bed, pull her close. Relish her scent. Her taste. The feel of her around him.

“Reynolds? Did you want to do some more exploring?” Her siren call invisibly pulled him toward her, but he stopped just short of crawling under the covers. Instead, he sat on the edge of the bed and cupped her face before tenderly kissing her. “I’m going to sleep on the futon in Audrey’s room.”

“Wait. What?”

“You need sleep.”

“Yes, but… You okay?” Concern replaced her fiery-eyed lust.

“I’m great.”

She pulled out of his touch. “But…”

“I loved what we did because you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever been with.”

“You can stop right there.”

“Wait. Hear me out.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain anything.” The strain of sadness in her words almost cut him to the quick as she searched for her shirt that had landed somewhere by his bookshelf. She had it on faster than he could stop her.

He caught her by the arm before she left. “Susan.”

She rolled out of his grasp. “What?”

He hated this. He hated they fell into this situation so ass-backward. They couldn’t simply date, mess around, or learn about each other, but they didn’t have that option and never would. “Susan, I want to crawl in that bed with you. Hear you scream my name again.”

“And?” Despite her indifference, her pupils dilated.

He mentally preened at how viscerally she reacted to him. What they just did was beyond his best sex fantasies, but Reynolds wanted more. “I need this, us, to work in every way.”

Her brow furrowed. “I want it to work, too. What do you think I’m doing? I’m here to stay. Why are you pushing me away?”

“That’s not what I mean to do. I promise.”

“Then what do you want? Because I know for sure you want me. That’s obvious. And I want you. We want to be a family with Audrey. The three of us. This isn’t hard.”

As much as he cared about her, the idea of not being a father hurt down to his soul. Long ago, he dreamed of having a large family, big gatherings, a house filled with too many kids to count, but genetics simply didn’t work that way. He accepted that, which put him on this path to be a father of one. Now, the perfect woman wanted to parent with him, and when his thoughts didn’t originate below the belt, more questions popped up than answers. “When you were picturing a family, how many kids did you imagine having?”

Her forehead furrowed. “Why?”

“Just answer the question, Susan. How many?”

Locking her arms across her chest, she clenched her jaw. “Honestly? A bunch.”

For whatever reason, her honest answer calmed him. He approached, resting his hands on her shoulders. “We can’t have a bunch.”

“I get that, and I accept that.” She took a step back as if she planned to bolt for the exit.

“You told me you were fine not having a biological child.”

“And I told you not to ask me about it again.” Tears ran down her face and he tried to understand her.

“Susan. Please tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“Why are you really okay not having a biological child?”

Her bottom lip quivered as her voice cracked. “Why can’t I simply be fine with it? You got a vasectomy to keep from having bio kids. We each made a choice.”

“Because my mother loved the idea of being a parent, but when it wasn’t what she hoped it would be, she bailed.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” She stepped out of his reach, which only frustrated him.

What isn’t she telling me? “This is probably my only chance to be a father. After everything I’ve been through, if this falls through, I won’t try again. My heart can’t take it.”

His confession appeared to soften her angst, but then he screwed it up. “I need this to work for me to be a dad. To be her dad because I know I’d be amazing. And if I have to choose between her and anyone else…” Shit. He did it again. Focused on fatherhood more.

“Ah, I see. This is truly only for the baby.” Disappointment hung thick on her every word. “I get that you want to be a father, but I wouldn’t have entered this lightly if I didn’t want to be a mother. To parent with you .”

“Yes, of course. I didn’t expect any less. But you’re giving up the chance—”

“Reynolds!” She adamantly shook her head, her cheeks pink. “Please stop telling me I’m giving up anything.”

“But, Susan—”

“No. Stop right there! You’ve been at this longer. Had a situation that brought you on this path far before we even knew each other existed.” Even as fire flickered in her eyes, sorrow hid behind her anger. “I want to be a mother. I want to be here. I want this to work, but you’re right. I overstepped when I initiated our exploring expedition. I should have considered how much is at stake here and slowed us down.”

He hated this part of dating or whatever the hell they were doing. The uncertainty, the guessing, the imbalance of emotional practicality versus physical attraction. Holding his hand out to her, he said, “Susan, sit with me.”

When tears fell, she only seemed to be more annoyed. She angrily wiped them away as she sat on the bed. “You don’t have to explain it, Reynolds. I get it.”

“You get what exactly?” It took everything he had not to pull her into his arms and comfort her in every way he knew how.

The fierceness in her response now morphed into insecurity as she pulled her knees to her chest. “It’s stupid.”

“Tell me anyway.” He learned that response from his Audrey because no matter how much you insist something isn’t stupid to you, it could still feel very stupid to them .

Her elegant fingers swept through her hair, allowing it to slowly layer across her shoulders. “I understand about not screwing this up, but part of me thinks if I were sexier—”

“I’m gonna stop you right there.” Frustration got the better of him, sending him to stand. “You’re making me nuts, Susan.”

“The feeling is mutual. Being this close to you all the time, not doing anything, even hugging or any sort of physical affection, it’s not going to work. People need contact. They need touch. And care. Even if it’s simply respectful gestures and great hugs. And kissing.”

“You’re right. I will do better.” And pull the majority of my thoughts above my beltline.

“There’s no denying we’ve got major chemistry after all that amazing… exploring.”

“Even before. Explosive levels of chemistry.” If he had his way, he’d spend every day making her fall apart in the best ways.

All you had to was pull your brain out of your pants.

Keep your hands to yourself.

Not wear sweats.

“I enjoyed the hell out of being near you, but that’s not the only thing making me crazy. The uncertainty of the adoption. What if it doesn’t happen? Where does that leave us?”

She wrapped her arms around herself. “Is that another way of saying I’m not who you want if I’m not a mother? Am I not… enough?”

“What? No!”

The hurt in her voice told him someone said those very words to her. Words meant to cut her down. Wound her.

The mere idea of it boiled Reynolds’s blood. “Susan, you’re more than enough. You’re… you’re…”

“What?” she snapped as though she’d reached the end of her self-assurance rope. “I’m what exactly?”

He pulled her into his arms. “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.”

She began to push him away, but he gently held her close. “I don’t know what everything means. Seems like a lot of pressure.”

He hated himself for inciting her insecurities, but he wanted all of what they could be together. “You’re the most gorgeous, intelligent, fantastic, driven woman I’ve ever met.”

Tilting her head up, she looked him straight in the eyes, as if she were deciding if he was being honest or throwing bullshit. “But I’m not sexy enough—”

“Susan! Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to keep my hands to myself when I’m around you every day?”

“The way you said that, I’d guess about as much as I have trouble keeping my hands off you.” She snorted as if the joke were far funnier in her head.

Tucking his pride away, he pointed to his pants. “There’s a reason I can’t wear sweats or scrubs around you.”

Her eyes darted to his crotch, and she bit her lip, the longing back. “They’re like the sweatpants of truth, then?”

Dammit, why does she have to throw a superhero pun at me right now? As if I couldn’t want the woman more.

After a quick kiss on her forehead, he put space between them. “I’ve had so many dreams about you in my bed. And on the kitchen table. And in that library.”

“Especially in that library. Maybe in the loft?” The corner of her mouth twitched, then spread to a coy smile. “So much room up there.”

“In the shower.” He leaned forward, but then held firm.

A nervous laugh escaped her while she slid down to her side and curled up with one of his pillows, like some beautiful seductress who tempted him far too easily. “Shower’s fun.”

“I don’t know who hurt you before, but everything they said to you was bullshit.” Kneeling next to the bed, he cupped her face. “Please hear me. I need it to work between us.”

“You mean co-parenting effectively? I get it. I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

“No!” The woman could be too practical for her own good. “I want us to be a family.”

“I thought we were.”

“A real family. Not platonic co-parenting. Not married only on paper. Not staring at a calendar family of upcoming events.”

“You mean after the adoption. More than… more than sex?”

“Yes. Sex. Way more than sex.” His heart thudded in his throat at his confession. “And way more sex.”

Her eyes went wide with understanding. “Oh, you’re talking about—about… umm…”

“All of it.”

“All. Of. It.” The lust that swam in Susan’s eyes only moments ago suddenly evaporated.

And fear replaced it.

What just happened? “Susan, are you okay? You look like a scared deer.”

“No, no. I’m fine. Ab-ab-solutely. I hear you. You want all of it, meaning you want all of me.” She wrung her hands.

“That’s usually how it goes.”

“Not usually.”

He sat at the end of the bed. “Talk to me.”

“It’s just the sad backstory of it all, Reynolds. Nothing worth mentioning.”

“Someday you have to tell me all of it.”

“What for? It doesn’t change anything.”

“Because I want to know who to thank.”

Her forehead furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“Who was too fucking stupid to appreciate everything about you. I need to thank those poor, selfish bastards for allowing me to have you in my life. In Audrey’s life.”

A small fuss from the other room.

“Speaking of Audrey.” She rubbed her temples and began to stand. “I’ll get her.”

“I’ve got her. You get some sleep. You’ve got a new job coming up and I’m off for a few days.” He gently kissed her cheek, but before he pulled away, he whispered, “I’m gonna be real clear about this. It’s taking everything I have to not take you up on your offer to crawl back into that bed again. But I want more.”

“Got it. You want the entire happily-ever-after, rom-com story.”

“Every word of it.”