Chapter 21

21

AUGUST 15, 1727 FLORIDA COAST

The ship was underway the next morning as I woke up. It was still dark outside as I opened my eyes to face a new day—one that was taking me closer to my old life at Middleburg Plantation. Marcus had insisted I continue to use his alcove bed, while he was sound asleep on the cot in the corner. I lay for a few moments, watching him sleep.

He was on his back, with one hand on his chest and the other above his head.

My conversation with Lewis the day before still echoed through my mind and heart. If I couldn't make a life with Marcus, then what was I doing holding on to this hope? Would it be better if I cast aside my heart's desire and gave myself fully to Lewis? I didn't love him the way I loved Marcus, but I did care for him deeply. Was that enough to make a marriage work? Could I find the same passion and desire I felt for Marcus?

Would I need it?

The truth was that I wanted passion and desire. My heart ached just thinking about it. But Lewis was right. Marcus had no plans on changing his ways. Not for himself, not for his mother, and not for me.

That pained me more than anything else.

Perhaps I should return to Grandfather. There was no guarantee that Marcus's mother was still alive or that she'd want to take in a stranger. The journey to Massachusetts was fraught with risk. If I went back to Middleburg Plantation, I could tell Grandfather that I wanted to make decisions about my life. I had stood up to him once by running away. Perhaps he wouldn't be so quick to force my hand if he believed I would leave again. I didn't miss my life on the plantation or living by his strict rules, but I missed Nanny and some of the other servants who had been with us for years.

Yet, even as I considered what I would do next, the thought of saying goodbye to Marcus made my heart ache with an intensity that took my breath away.

It would be easier to forget about him if I didn't have to see him night and day. Sleeping in the same room. Sharing the same meals. Discussing books, philosophy, and religion. Being so close, I could reach out and touch him, feel his skin against mine, or get lost in the depths of his eyes.

It would be best to return home before it was too late. Face whatever the future held on the plantation instead of the uncertainty of living on a pirate ship.

I had no desire to go back to sleep or lie in bed and feel miserable about Marcus, so I rose as quietly as possible and got dressed.

The sky was starting to lighten as I stepped out of Marcus's cabin to use the head. There was a watch on duty in the crow's nest, but they wouldn't think anything of me going about my business, no matter the hour. I made my way to the stern, behind the captain's cabin, thankful for a bit of privacy.

But before I entered the head, I heard a soft, painful moan, followed by a whimper.

A very feminine whimper.

Whoever was in the head was suffering.

The only people who used the private toilet in this part of the ship were the captain, Marcus, Hawk, Ned, and me. I frowned, trying to make sense of what I was hearing, and then Timothy's conversation filtered through my mind.

Ned.

Another whimper met my ears, and I knew I needed to offer my help, even if it was unwanted. If nothing else, I could summon Dr. Hartville.

I tapped lightly on the door, and the whimpering stopped.

"Ned?" I asked as I slowly opened the door.

"Don't come in here!"

"Are you ill? Do you need help?"

"Stay awa—" But the words were cut off by a cry of pain.

I opened the door all the way and wasn't prepared for what I saw.

Ned was sitting on the floor, in front of the toilet, a pool of blood on the ground. He was in a nightshirt, clutching his abdomen—but it was clear he wasn't a man, after all. Ned was a woman, in the middle of losing a pregnancy.

My mouth parted in surprise as I rushed into the small space and knelt on the ground beside her.

Her face was pinched in pain and sorrow. "You weren't supposed to know." Tears streamed down her face. "No one was supposed to know."

"I'll get Dr. Hartville—"

"No." She grabbed my arm.

"But you're clearly in trouble. All this blood, it can't be good."

"I'm losing the baby," she said as more tears trailed down her cheek. "I didn't want it—was so angry I was pregnant. I waited two months to tell him. He was forcing me to go back to my family in Charleston." She let out a moan as she dropped her chin to her chest, breathing hard. "But I won't need to go home now."

My heart was heavy as I asked, "Captain Zale?"

She sobbed and nodded. "He'll kill you if he learns that you know the truth."

"I won't tell him," I promised.

"He'll know. He knows everything."

"Are you sure I can't summon Dr. Hartville?"

She shook her head. "Edward made me promise that if I stayed on the ship with him, I wouldn't tell anyone I was a woman. They're all superstitious. I've heard them whispering about me. They'll overthrow Edward if they know he allowed me on the ship, and then they'll cast me into the ocean." She wiped her running nose with the back of her arm. "He warned me that this wasn't a good place for me, but I didn't want to live without him. And it's no place for a child, either. He was right. I don't belong here. No one does."

"I'll help you, Ned." I put my hand on her shoulder. "I'll do whatever you need."

Her glossy, miserable eyes met mine. "My name isn't Ned. It's Nadine."

Part of me wanted to tell her that I was also a woman, but I couldn't take that risk. Nadine had always disliked me, and I had no guarantee that if she survived, she would keep the information to herself. Mary's words came back to me from my time in Nassau. How many women were dressed as men, living as pirates on the open water? Surely more than people realized.

Nadine was at the end of the miscarriage, and I assisted her as best as I could, fetching several buckets of water to help her clean herself and the room before the sun crested the horizon and the captain or Marcus woke up. Her nightshirt was ruined, so I went into the corner, out of her sight, and removed my vest and then my shirt. I put my vest on over my binding and helped her into the new shirt, which went down to her knees. After she tossed her ruined shirt over the side of the ship, I offered to help her back to the captain's cabin, but she insisted she return alone. She was pale and weak and could hardly stand, but I couldn't force her to accept my assistance.

I told her I'd see to everyone's breakfast, and for once, she didn't protest.

As I exited the head after Nadine had left, I found Marcus standing outside his cabin door. He frowned when he saw me without my undershirt, and a dozen emotions played across his face in a heartbeat. Surprise, confusion, anger, jealousy, and more.

Had he seen Nadine—who he thought was Ned—leave the head before me?

Without a word, he reentered his cabin, and I followed. I trusted Marcus to know the truth. I wanted him to know the truth. It was too much to keep to myself. Nadine could still be in danger. She needed medical help, preferably from a midwife. I knew of one in Charleston, but I wasn't sure if Captain Zale would allow it.

I closed the door behind me and faced Marcus.

"I was surprised to find you out of your bed before me," he said, confusion on his brow, "and then even more surprised to see Ned leave the head, half-dressed—only to have you follow, without your shirt."

"I know." I nodded, not wanting him to have any more reason to be upset. I quickly explained what had happened, sparing the gruesome details of the miscarriage but sharing the truth.

His mouth parted in shock and his eyes had widened. "Ned is—"

"The captain's mistress."

He blinked a few times and then slipped his hand behind his neck as he paced across the room. "I had no idea. All this time..."

"The mind really does see what it wants," I said.

"There was a wee bairn?"

"She lost it less than thirty minutes ago. She's heartsick and scared."

"I can understand."

"But she'll need some medical attention, and I'm not sure how to approach Captain Zale about it, since we're not supposed to know. And I don't know if she'll be willing to get the help, either. She wouldn't let me send for Dr. Hartville." I watched him, trying to gauge his thoughts. "It would be best to continue to Charleston and get her some treatment."

"Dr. Hartville can't help her?"

"I don't think so. And even if he could, Captain Zale doesn't want him to know she's a woman."

Marcus nodded, still in shock. "I had no idea."

"Neither did I, but I think some of the men were starting to suspect her. Timothy told me as much yesterday."

He rubbed his hand across his forehead. "If the captain learns she miscarried, and doesn't realize she needs medical help, he might return to Florida and keep looking for the Queen's Dowry."

"Then I need to impress upon her how important it is for her to get help. She needs to go to Charleston."

"Aye. We must make haste." He glanced at my bare arms and then went to his chest of clothes and pulled out the shirt I'd borrowed in the past.

He left his cabin, and I quickly put on the shirt, trying to make it work, though it was so large, it was almost impossible. I was able to tuck it in and get my vest back on before I joined him outside the entrance to the captain's outer room.

Nadine had not made it any farther than her cot. She was curled up in a ball on her side. She hadn't even pulled the covers up around her body and was shaking violently from shock.

Marcus and I helped her get under the covers. His gentleness warmed me as he fetched another blanket from Hawk's cot and tucked it around Nadine's body.

"We need to get you to Charleston to see a midwife who can make sure you are safe," I said to Nadine. "You lost a lot of blood."

She shook her head. "Just leave me be."

"Your health and safety are all that matter right now," I told her. "At least let Dr. Hartville help you."

"No one must know about the miscarriage," Nadine said through chattering teeth. "The captain can't find out I told you."

"I won't tell anyone," I promised. "But when we get to Charleston, I will take you to a midwife. I know of one who has been helping women for decades. She can be trusted."

Her wide-eyed gaze shifted to Marcus, as if noticing him for the first time.

"You have nothing to fear," Marcus said, his voice low and soothing. "I won't tell anyone, either."

She looked back at me, her pale face filled with pain and sorrow. "There's someone in Charleston who can help me?"

"Yes. But until we get there, you need to stay in bed and rest. I will see to all your chores. We should be in Charleston in four or five days, and we'll get you help."

Nadine looked too weak to fight, so she simply nodded and closed her eyes.

The day was long and arduous. I was still recovering from diving sickness, so Marcus encouraged me to take naps between meals, but there was too much to do. The captain hadn't seemed concerned about Ned being sick again, and Dr. Hartville hadn't even glanced in her direction as he passed by. She'd been sick on and off the past few weeks, and they must have assumed it was the same illness that had kept her in bed before. I now knew it was morning sickness that had been plaguing her.

I checked on her often, making sure she hadn't started to bleed again or run a fever. I brought her something to eat and drink, though she refused both. She was pale and weak—and so very tired.

After supper, I returned to Marcus's cabin, ready to go to bed early.

I'd been so preoccupied with Nadine's trouble that I hadn't thought much about my own resolve from earlier that morning.

When I returned to Charleston, I had decided to stay.

The sun was low on the horizon when Marcus entered the cabin. I had contemplated going to bed before he came in for the night but had decided it would be best to tell him my plans.

I was sitting on my old cot, wanting him to have his bed again. But the look in his eyes when he saw me sitting there told me he wasn't happy with my decision.

"Why are you not in the other bed?" he asked.

"'Tis yours."

"I gave it to you."

"Until I felt better."

"Nay. 'Tis your bed now."

I didn't want to argue with him, but there was tension between us. It had been building for days, since I had asked him what he planned to do once he delivered me to his mother in Massachusetts. He hadn't responded, telling me all I needed to know. I remained on the cot as he stood by the closed door.

"There's something I need to tell you," I said.

His brown eyes were dark tonight, darker than usual. Whether he was angry about Ned, or about me speaking to Timothy yesterday, or about something else, I wasn't sure. But he carried the weight of whatever was bothering him with stiff shoulders and a slight scowl.

"Will I like what you have to say?" he asked.

"Nay."

He sighed and pulled a chair out from the table.

I rose from the cot and sat across from him, laying my hands in my lap. "I've made a decision."

He watched me without speaking.

My heart begged me to stop, but my mind urged me to continue. "I've decided 'tis best if I return to Middleburg Plantation when we arrive in South Carolina."

Marcus was expressionless as he sat across from me.

I wanted him to protest, to tell me that he had changed his mind. That he was ready to give up pirating and run away to a far-off land where he could change his name and we could live in privacy for the rest of our lives. Together.

But he didn't. Instead, he rose from the table and went to the window. A habit I'd learned meant he was contemplating. Searching.

It gave me hope—until he said, "Aye. 'Tis best."

Those few words broke my heart in two. Marcus wasn't fighting for me. For us. He was going to let me go.

And I would let him.