Chapter 6

6

Perrie – Age Twenty-Two

“Mmm…fuck, Pez, I love how tight you feel,” Coby moans as he thrusts into me hard and fast while I grip the shelves in front of me so I don’t fall, feeling nothing but empty, which is hilarious if you think about it.

The guy is deep inside me, yet I feel empty….

His grip tightens on my hips, his thrusts quicker, and I know he’s about to come, something I’ve never been able to do. I’ll get wet, the body’s natural instinct, but I’ll never come, instead I’ll go dry.

I’ve screwed three men since that day, including Coby, and none could give me an orgasm.

I think I might be broken….

“Fuck, Perrie, come with me, baby,” he groans as he tilts his hips, but I feel nothing.

No pleasure, no urge to give him what he wants….

I fake moan, not wanting to hurt his feelings, and squeeze my walls on a pulse to make him think I’m coming. He grips my hair but quickly lets it go when I tense, his hands returning to my hips.

Hair gripping and missionary is a hard no, not since….

“Fuck, yes….” He grunts as his thrusts become uneven before he pulls out of me, and I inwardly sigh in relief, knowing he’s now squeezing his member, allowing his cum to fill the condom.

Another rule: no coming inside me, even with a condom, not since….

I stand up straight, righting my panties, before pulling the skirt of my white uniform down. Coby places his forehead against my shoulder, gently moving his hand around my waist.

“Fuck, the day we decided to be friends with benefits was a great fucking day,” he rasps, his breathing uneven, and I hum, not even out of breath.

It is more like benefits without friends.

I check my watch and remind him, “My break is nearly over; I need to get back out front.”

He pulls back, and I turn, smiling at him, trying to hold back the flinch of being this close to a man.

It doesn’t matter how many guys I allow in my body, ensuring they use my rules so I’m the one in control; I still can’t be this close to a man, and I still can’t allow them to make love to me.

My skin itches, and I take a step back. He grins, unaware of my thoughts, and says, “See you in a few days?”

I smile at him. “I’ll be on then.” He groans, and I chuckle and say, “Just find someone at school.”

Something passes through his eyes before he covers it, and I raise a brow and call him out, knowing exactly where his mind has gone, just like with Shaun and Todd.

“This is still only sex, Coby, isn’t it?” I confirm and he sighs, running a hand through his short brown hair.

“What if it wasn’t? It’s been a year, Perrie. Maybe I want more,” he admits, and I drop my head, placing my hands on my hips before I look at him. He shakes his head and denies, “Nah, you’re not breaking up with me.”

I smile sadly. “It can’t be a breakup when we’re not in a relationship.” I run a hand through my hair for a moment, then look back at him and admit, “I’m broken, Coby. I’m not capable of being in a relationship,” he opens his mouth to refute, but I ask, “have you ever wondered why I can only have sex with you when I’m leaning on shelves? Why I never allow you to hold my hair when we’re in the throes of it, or put your body weight on me?” He furrows his brows. “Or how about why I never allow you to come inside me despite wearing a condom?”

His eyes widen with the realization of what I’m trying to say before horror and sadness shine in his hazel eyes, and he whispers, “Perrie….”

I shrug. “Like I said, I’m broken. Goodbye, Coby….”

I walk around him, leave the storage room, and sigh, knowing I’m going to have to find another guy to help try and remove them from inside me.

Everyone I’ve tried with wanted more, and every time I ran.

I know I should seek help, but what’s the point?

Those men ruined me, destroyed me, and the one person I wanted to run to, the person I thought I could count on after Cass left, ignored me and, shockingly enough, he’s probably the only man who could make me feel clean.

I’m all alone.

“Perrie?” I hear when I get back out front, the diner having filled up since my break. I turn to see my mom smiling gently at me in her suit skirt and blouse, looking like she’s just come from work when I know she’s been at home, living off the money I send her every month.

I furrow my brows, seeing the glass door behind her shattered before Andrea steps forward, getting my attention. I narrow my eyes, making her flinch back.

“Perrie, don’t look at her like that. What on earth has gotten into you these past few years? I barely recognize you,” Mom scolds me, and I roll my eyes, not bothering to hide it.

I shake my head and ask, “What are you doing here, Mom? Some people actually have to work,” while purposely ignoring her question.

She’s not stupid; she has to know why I haven’t had anything to do with her. She knows Cassidy told me about what she did to Dad and the fact that I know she was left with nothing, and the fact she is my mom is the only reason I haven’t sold the family home.

She swallows hard, her throat bobbing, puts her dark red hair behind her ear, and whispers, “I wanted to know if you’d come home tonight?”

I scoff, “What, the daughter who looks like your dead husband?” She flinches. “And, what, you had to bring her with you to ask, seriously?”

“Perrie, sweetie,” I flinch at Dad’s nickname for me, hating her for using it to try to sway me. "I just…all I wanted was for my daughter to be home for a meal, especially with Cassidy gone AWOL. Why are you so cold?” she whispers with heartbreak in her voice, but I don’t fall for it.

She made her bed; now she has to lie in it.

“Your mom’s right; you have been acting cold…. When did that happen, Pezza?” Andrea asks.

Probably when I had found out I was pregnant with my rapist’s baby and considered suicide before going to the hospital instead for an abortion, alone, then having to explain to the doctors why I couldn’t continue the pregnancy, refusing their counseling first and feeling guilty the whole time because I couldn’t be brave enough to have the baby , I think to myself while I say aloud, “Probably when I had found out my so-called mother cheated on a man who made her his whole universe all because she got greedy! Oh, and maybe when I realized you used me….”

Mom’s eyes tear up, and I curl my lip at her and Andrea, before turning to the counter to grab my pad and pen. I then walk over to the table full of teens but say over my shoulder, “Don’t let the door hit you on your way out; the glass is broken.”

Prudence, the other waitress, and a high-class patch chaser, chimes in, “Yeah, Acid was real pissed when he slammed the door, smashing it, which was hot to witness.”

I swallow hard but put on a fake smile, knowing full well why he did it. But as far as I’m concerned, he’s not part of my life anymore, we drifted apart when I ruined things, so he has no right to be angry.

He’s the one who knocked me back….

I take the teenagers’ orders without looking to see if Mom and Andrea have gone or if Coby has walked out. Instead, I focus on work while mentally preparing myself for tonight.

“You should have fucking just let me win, bitch!” His voice echoes in my head later that night as I breathe heavily from where I’m crouched, hiding behind the corner where I’ve cut the camera feed at The Fight.

I’ve just won two fights back-to-back, giving me the alibi I need, and now I’m waiting for them .

For four years, I’ve watched them, all while they’ve smirked and looked at my body, hoping to scare me. For four years, I’ve planned my revenge; I’ve trained harder in behind the shuttered doors of Halliwell’s Gym, all while refusing to fight the twins again, making them believe they’ve scared me. But now it’s time to complete the plan, to get my revenge. Once I do this, then there’s no going back, it’ll probably kill the last bit of humanity I have left.

I hear footsteps, and my palms sweat as I grip the knife in my hand. The memory of their hands holding me down while they tore into me hits me—the positive pregnancy test, the guilt for aborting the baby….

I still as Franky whistles, walking past me, oblivious.

“Fuck, Aus, she’s a virgin, or was….”

His voice rings out as I move up behind him before grabbing his arm. He turns with a scowl, and before he can act, his eyes widen as I stab his dick, my gaze pinned to his.

“Should have just fucking taken the loss, bitch,” I sneer in his face and twist the knife, making him gasp. His mouth drops open as I pull the knife out, and he drops to his knees, his breathing heavy.

I look at him coldly before stating, “One down, one to go,” then slowly move back to my hiding place, all while keeping my eyes on his as he cups his junk, coughing in shock.

It doesn’t take long before I hear another set of footsteps before Austin's shocked words, “What the fuck, Franky?” hit me, but before he can run past my hiding place and his brother can speak a word of warning, I step out in front of him, covered in his brother’s blood.

His light green eyes widen as he skids to a stop, and before he can figure out what’s happening, I lunge forward and thrust the knife into his dick.

His eyes widen as he chokes on a gasp, and I smile coldly, “Hello there, Austin, long time no speak….”

He chokes, “P-Perrie….”

I grin. “Bet you wish you’d just left me alone, that your brother didn’t fight me that day, huh?”

His throat bobs as his knees buckle when I twist the knife, “I-I, please….”

“Ah, begging…something I didn’t do when you held me down and allowed your brother to tear away my innocence before raping me yourself.” His eyes widen, tears falling down his cheeks as I twist the knife again. “Tell me, Austin, the baby, do you think it was yours or Franky’s?”

His breathing stutters, shame etching his light green eyes.

“Yeah, one of you got me pregnant when you raped me. Imagine being that child, learning you were the product of that kind of violence.” More tears fall from his eyes, mesmerizing me. “Imagine feeling so conflicted, so guilty, when you know you can’t give birth, that you can’t carry that child, that you’re not brave enough….”

I pull the knife out, and he gasps, falling to his knees as his hands cup his junk, just like his brother did.

I lean down, and I give him a sweet smile as I promise, “If I ever see you again, next time the knife will go into the side of your neck.”

Panic and shame look back at me as I stand and look at his pale brother who stutters, “I-I, I’m s-sorry….”

I curl my lip at him and state, “Say that to the baby I had to abort,” before walking away, not looking back while my heart thunders and bile rises.

I stabbed them. I got my revenge….

When I get outside, I throw the knife in the dumpster before moving behind it to vomit, everything I’ve eaten, which isn’t much, coming back up until I’m dry heaving. Once I know nothing else is coming up, I wipe my mouth before slowly standing and walking to the Mustang, ready to continue the decorating at Halliwell’s Gym.

I’m not sure why I’m doing it, but all I know is that when I’m finished, I’ll either re-open or sell. I’m not in college anymore. I quit after the first semester, not seeing the point, and no one knew. My new friend Natalie, who happens to be married to Piston, believes I transferred schools, and that’s how it needs to stay.

I still have a few more years to get the gym to where it needs to be before I make my decision, but right now, I need a distraction.

Bile hits again when I notice blood on my hands. I quickly grab the rag I have on the passenger seat of my car and wipe my hands, then throw it out of the window as I roar off, feeling alone.

Empty and alone.