35. Chapter 28

Susie stayed with my aunt and uncle to watch the game. I couldn't bring myself to do it. When I said I was leaving, they protested half-heartedly, but no one really tried to stop me. Aunt Marie did, however, send me home with some of the casserole from lunch for fear that I wouldn't feed myself. Hours later, and as my stomach growls loudly, it turns out she was right.

I'm sure I've never intentionally skipped watching one of the Mavericks games or a press conference, but I just couldn't bring myself to watch today. I tried but then quickly changed the channel. My heart can't take seeing Josh.

So, I did everything I could to keep myself busy.

My house is sparkling; I indulged in a guilty pleasure, a Nicholas Cage movie, and watched The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. Sadly, Nick was no help, and I can't call staring at the TV while constantly rounding up my runaway thoughts actually "watching".The credits are running, and I can barely remember anything that happened. I turn off the TV and push myself off the couch, heading into the kitchen to reheat my aunt's casserole. While I'm waiting for the oven to warm, I pick up my phone.

My heart is pounding so hard I swear it will burst out of my chest. But when I look, thankfully, there are no new texts from Josh. The vise around my chest tightens while my stomach drops. I exhale a shaky breath I didn't know I was holding. There's relief and disappointment because I want and don't want to hear from Josh.

I dial Susie's number and put the call on speaker. I carry the phone with me and put it on the counter as I turn to the fridge to pull out the casserole. I put it in the oven and start the timer just as Susie answers.

"Hey," Susie says, and I can hear the smile in her voice.

"Did I interrupt you and Adam talking?" I tease, feeling my lips pull up. I'm excited for my best friend. She deserves a fantastic guy, and Adam is.

"You did," she says with a giggle. "But he had to get on the plane, so it was perfect timing."

"I'm happy for you, Suse."

"I know you are," she responds, and when I don't say anything, she asks. "How are you?"

How am I? I shake my head as I try to figure out how to respond to that simple question that is anything but simple. I lean against the counter and rub my neck.

How am I? I'm numb. Confused. Hurt. But mostly, I'm terrified.

I"m terrified of the change this will bring to everything I've ever known since coming to Pleasant Hollow. I"m terrified of losing my support system. I"m terrified of losing Josh. And If I'm being completely honest with myself, which I'm not, the thought of losing Josh scares me the most.

When did I get so attached to him?

"Brie?" Susie's voice interrupts my thoughts, and I rest my hand on my opposite shoulder and rub, trying to get the kinks out.

"That's the problem," I whisper, my heart feeling like lead and my stomach swirling. "I have so many conflicting emotions that I can't think straight."

"Did you, by chance, watch the press conference?"

"I didn't," I respond. "I couldn't."

"It was really—"

"Susie, please."

"Okay, okay. I'll stop, but I think you should." I can imagine her lifting a hand in the air. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"First, can you pretend that Josh isn't your brother for a little bit?" I bite my lip, feeling foolish for asking the question.

"Easy." She chuckles. "Do you know how often I do that normally?"

"Susie." A laugh escapes me because what she said is true. She does do that. "I'm being serious."

"I am, too."

"Susie, come on." I snort, her happiness is infectious, and I can feel some of the heaviness weighing me down lift a little.

"Ask away, and I promise I'll be as unbiased as possible." She says in her I'm serious tone and I feel my lips lift a bit more.

"Okay." I take a deep breath and exhale, feeling extremely foolish. Agreeing to pretend date Josh was probably the silliest thing I've ever done, and I'm embarrassed. I'm the most rational person I know. I'm the most rational person that most of Pleasant Hollow knows. Rational people don't fake date their best friend's brothers. My mouth feels like it's stuffed with cotton. "What would you do in my situation? If you were me?"

"I'm not sure what you mean. Can you clarify the ‘If I were you' part?" I can hear her holding back a laugh, and I want to kill her.

"Are you really going to make me say this all out loud?" I groan.

"I'm waiting," she sing-songs in response.

"What would you do if you were fake dating someone, and they were caught kissing someone else? If you were me," I spill out. "There, happy now?"

"Very, thank you. Hmmmm." She's tapping her index finger on her chin, I'm positive. It's what she always does whenever she pretends to be serious. I can practically feel her amusement coming through the call. "First, I don't know I would ever fake date someone. And second, I'm pretty sure it was never fake for either you or Josh."

At her response I feel heat moving up my neck. Her response has me squirming in my skin. "This was a hypothetical ‘if it was you' question." I stammer.

"Just listen to me, okay?" She says softly. "You and Josh have always had this seemingly contentious relationship where the both of you were constantly looking for something to pick on. But what you didn't see was what everyone else saw."

My heart is racing at her words. Everyone else saw?

"We all saw just how much fun you both had.You should see how the two of you light up when you're bantering back and forth. Your eyes light up, and your smile becomes brighter. Everything about you glows, Brie." She pauses. "He's the same. When we were in high school, there was a moment when I thought you both had feelings for each other. When I asked, you both denied it. But I didn't believe either of you. As time went on, I wondered if it was going to ever happen, and then Tea Time opened a realm of possibilities. It was glorious!"

I'm frozen as I listen to her words, and I am immediately brought back to the moment in school she asked me that. It was right after Josh caught me in the mask Susie had us trying. He laughed so hard I was utterly mortified and wanted to hide.

"Why do you care what my stupid brother thinks, Brie? It's just Josh!" She looked at me with wide eyes and eyebrows raised. "Wait!!! You like him, don't you?"

My entire body was on fire, and I felt like I had been put under a microscope where my private thoughts were quickly inspected. "WHAT?!" I sputtered. "Are you serious? I don't like Josh. He's a complete idiot."

Of course, I was lying through my teeth; I mean what was not to like about Josh? He has a smile that most women would die to have directed at them. But somehow knowing that Susie knew, even then, makes me wonder how many other secrets my best friend kept from me.

After all these years, I had pushed those feelings down, but getting the opportunity to spend time with Josh alone made me see how much I enjoy his company and how much fun we have together. When it was just the three of us, it was easy to pretend that I had fun because Susie was there.

Have I been pretending not to have feelings for him?Susie's next comment brings me back to what she's saying.

"But watching the two of you ‘pretend' made me realize that you've always been in love with each other. It's obvious to everyone."

But he kissed someone else?!

"As for the kiss," Susie says as if eerily reading my mind, "I don't think for one second that what it looks like is what it is."

"But—"

"However," she interrupts, and I imagine her finger in the air as if to say hold on. "What I believe isn't important. It's what you believe."

She's right; it all comes down to if I trust Josh.

A sharp pain spears my heart. I put my hand on my chest and start to rub it, trying to relieve the burning sensation slowly spreading—fear causing my breath to come faster.

Suddenly, her voice gets soft. "Brie, I know you're afraid. Relationships are scary. Losing people is scary. But are you willing to push away something that could be the best thing you've ever had?"

I let out a shaky breath. My brain is processing the words she's saying, and I can feel that they feel right, but nothing penetrates the armor my heart has put up. The memories of losing my parents flash through my mind. My head moves from right to left as if I have an unconscious tick. I don't know that I can go through that again.

"Suse." I push past the pressure in my throat. "I don't know—"

"Look, I know I totally sound like I'm on team Josh." A strangled chuckle falls from my lips. "And that's not what you asked for, but I know my brother. This behavior would be completely out of character for him."

She's right!My mind screams.

"If this were me," she says. "I would give it a little time. Talk to Josh and see what he says. Maybe talk to Adam or one of the other guys on the team. Watch the press conference. Just don't write him off…yet."

"I'll try," I say, but I feel the lock around my heart closing. The darkness that surrounded me after my parents" death feels like it's closing in again. The pain was unbearable, and I didn't think I would ever laugh, smile or just feel normal again. This situation has a similar feeling, making me want to get as far ahead of it as possible before it catches me.

But doing that means I still lose Josh.

And that's my biggest fear if I take a chance and lose him: pain. If I pull away to protect myself: pain. I let out a huge sigh and wrap my arms around my stomach just as the timer chimes.

"Saved by the bell," I whisper. "Thanks Suse. I'll talk to you later."

"Brie—"

I hang up before she can finish. I turn the oven off and pull the casserole out, but now I've lost my appetite.