Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Kenzie

Telling Jace I had a date was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. That proves I have feelings for him, as if I needed proof. I know I have feelings for him, but I’m trying really hard not to. That’s why I’m going out with Neal. So I can find someone else to have feelings for, although I don’t think it’ll be that easy. The feelings I have for Jace keep getting stronger. I don’t think they’ll just go away after a date or two with another guy.

“So where are you going?” Jace asks.

“Just out for coffee. We’re meeting at 10.”

“In the morning? That’s an odd time to have a date.”

“I guess, but I think it’s good. It’s been so long since I’ve been on a date, I needed to start small. The whole dinner and a movie thing seemed like too much.” I laugh, but it’s a nervous laugh. I’m uncomfortable telling Jace this, but I shouldn’t be. We’re friends. I should be able to tell him anything.

“Well, I hope it goes well.” He leans away from me and folds his arms over his chest, like he’s shutting me out. Telling him this, I already feel like we’re not as close as we were, and it hurts. I don’t want to lose what I have with Jace, even though I’m not sure what exactly that is.

“How about you?” I scoot back to the end of the couch and turn to face him. “Have you found anyone to date?”

He pauses, then unfolds his arms and says, “Actually, yeah. I met a girl at the gym today.”

“Oh.” I sound surprised, but I shouldn’t be. Jace is super hot. And also sweet, friendly, outgoing, popular. Girls are always checking him out. He’s just never showed interest in any of them. Until now. “So, you, um, like this girl?”

He shrugs. “I’m not sure yet. She seems nice, but I need to get to know her more.”

“When are you going out?”

“We didn’t pick a time. I told her I’d call her.”

“If things go well with Neal, maybe we could double-date.” I don’t know why I suggested that. It’s the worst idea ever! Seeing Jace with another girl? Am I crazy? My heart’s been through enough. I don’t need to add to the pain.

“I’m not really a double-date type of guy,” Jace says with a smile.

I just nod.

“So what do you like so much about this Neal guy?” Jace asks.

“I don’t know yet. It’s like you said. You have to go out with the person a few times before you know if you like them.”

“A few times? Isn’t that breaking our rule?”

“What rule?”

“The rule about no relationships. If you go out with someone three or four times, you’re getting into relationship territory.”

“Not really. It depends on what happens on the date.”

His brows draw together. “Meaning what?”

“Meaning if you spend a whole day together and really hit it off, then go on more long dates that also go well, you might be heading into a relationship. But if you just go for coffee, or maybe dinner, it’s just casual dating. Nothing serious.”

He nods a few times, then his eyes go to mine. “So if you and I had been dating all this time, would we be in a relationship?”

I’m surprised by the question and take a moment to figure out how to answer. I’m confused why he said it, since we know dating each other is a bad idea. But maybe I’m overthinking it.

“Yes,” I say. “Given all the time we’ve spent together, the dinners, the late night talks, I’d say we’d definitely be in a relationship.”

“Except we haven’t done the one thing people do in relationships. The thing that differentiates friends from couples.”

His eyes are still on mine and I feel the tension between us. The kind of tension that makes me have inappropriate dreams about Jace, then wakes me up with an intense desire to sneak in his room and live out those dreams.

“You mean sex,” I blurt out. I’m feeling breathless, either from nerves or arousal or both. We shouldn’t be talking about this. “Sex doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship.”

“True, but if you combine friendship and sex, you have a relationship.”

“Not necessarily. You could be friends who have sex. Friends with benefits.”

“Would you ever do that?”

Why is he asking? Is he suggesting we have sex? Just to see what it’d be like? I’ve actually considered that but then realized it’s a horrible idea.

“No,” I say. “It would ruin the friendship.”

Silence fills the room. We both look away.

Why did he have to ask that? Everything was fine, and now there’s awkward tension in the air like we have no idea where to go from here.

We were supposed to be talking about other people—people we can actually date—not each other.

Unless he’s changed his mind about us. What if he has? What if he wants us to date and see where it goes? My heart jumps at the thought. Being with Jace? Like a real couple? I want that more than anything, but I didn’t think he did.

“Jace, why are you asking me this?”

“Asking you what?” His eyes go to mine.

“Why are you asking hypothetical questions about us dating?” I pause. “Is it because they’re not hypothetical?”

He swallows and looks down at the floor. “I just wondered where we’d be right now if we’d… you know, taken this beyond a friendship.”

“Do you wish we had?”

His head lifts and he looks back at me. “Do you ?”

“I asked you first. Just answer the question.”

My heart’s pounding, waiting for him to tell me he wants us to be a couple. No more pretending we just want to be friends. No more talk about finding someone else. I want him to say that he wants this so we can finally be together.

He gets up, taking the ice cream with him. “This is melting. I need to put it away.”

“Wait.” I follow him to the kitchen. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Kenzie, we’ve already talked about this.” He puts the ice cream in the freezer.

“Not really.”

“Okay, maybe we didn’t talk about it, but I think we agree it’s a bad idea.”

“Which is why I’m surprised you brought it up. I thought maybe you’d changed your mind.”

“Have you ?” he asks going past me to the living room.

I turn and see him picking up the ice cream spoons from the table. Why is he cleaning right now? I’m trying to have a serious discussion, and he’s suddenly interested in picking up the house?

“Stop answering my question with another question,” I tell him as he goes past me again. “Did you change your mind or not?”

He drops the spoons in the sink and turns to me. He’s about to say something, but then looks down and lets out a sigh.

I don’t know what that means. I wish he’d stop stalling and just give me an answer. I know he likes me as more than his roommate. So why doesn’t he tell me that? He just needs to say the words.

He looks up at me. “No.”

“No?” I say, my shoulders slumping.

“I haven’t changed my mind.” He walks out of the kitchen and goes down the hall to his room.

I follow him, catching him before he closes his door. “That’s it? We’re done talking?”

“Kenzie, I’m really tired. It’s been a long day and I really need to sleep. I have an early morning class.”

So I was wrong. He doesn’t want a relationship with me. He wants us to stay friends and not be anything more. But then why was he asking me all those questions? Why did he get my hopes up, only to let me down? He could at least explain himself, but he didn’t, which makes me angry.

I turn and head to my room.

“Kenzie,” I hear him say.

I go in my room and shut the door—hard—letting him know I’m upset and not caring if he’s wondering why. If he can’t figure it out, then let him be confused like I was just now when he made me think he wanted us to be more than friends.

That night, I have more dreams of Jace and me, hotter than any of the ones I had before. It’s really frustrating, and when I wake up, I’m tempted to go in his room and yell at him for making me dream about something I could never have. But he’s already left for class and tonight he has to work. I doubt I’ll even see him today.

I go in the bathroom to take a shower. As I’m getting undressed, I think about what to wear on my date with Neal. Jeans and a sweater? A dress? It’s just coffee and it’s on campus so maybe jeans.

I reach into the shower to get the water going and hear the door open. The door on the other side of the bathroom. The one that goes to Jace’s room. I turn and see him standing there, wearing just his boxer briefs and nothing else.

We stare at each other, not saying anything. Jace’s eyes drop down to my body and I realize I’m naked. Completely naked!

I race to the towel rack, my entire backside exposed to him.

“What are you doing here?” I yell as I fumble to get the towel off the rack.

“I, um…” He doesn’t finish his thought, but I don’t need him to. I need him to leave!

Now covered in a towel, I turn back to Jace. “Why are you still standing there? Can’t you see I’m naked? Why aren’t you at class?”

“It was cancelled.” He rubs his face, then his eyes. He looks like he just woke up, his hair a mess. My eyes drop down and I notice his erection pushing against his boxers. Did he wake up that way, or did seeing me naked do that to him?

“Are you just going to stand there or what?”

“Oh, um, no.” He shakes his head, like he’s trying to shake away his grogginess. “Sorry.” He backs up, then points to the door. “You didn’t follow the rule. Always lock the door.”

“Yeah, great. Wouldn’t want to break the rules.” I roll my eyes, my comment referring to his rule about us not dating, but I doubt that he got it.

“Have fun on your date,” he blurts out, and then finally, he leaves and closes the door.

I lock it, then go get in the shower. I’m so mad at him. Does he really want me to have a good time on this date, or was he being sarcastic? Just yesterday, I would’ve said he didn’t actually mean it. That he didn’t want this date to go well because he didn’t want me being with some other guy. But after last night, I’m thinking he really does want me to move on with someone else. If so, his feelings for me are not the same feelings I have for him, which infuriates me but also makes me sad.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep seeing what I want to see instead of what’s really going on? First with Liam, and now with Jace.

Just before ten, I arrive at the coffee shop wearing dark jeans, short black boots, and a white sweater. I find a seat by the door and check my phone while I wait for Neal.

A girl sits down across from me at the table. “Kenzie?”

“Yeah?” I set my phone down. Do I know this girl? I don’t recognize her.

“I’m Lucy. I’m friends with Neal. He can’t make it today so he sent me here to let you know. He said to tell you he’s really sorry but his car died and he’s waiting to have it towed.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“He would’ve called, but he didn’t have your number.”

“That’s right. I forgot to give it to him.”

She pulls some paper from her backpack. “If you want to give it to me now, I’ll pass it along so he can call you.”

“Why don’t you just give me his and I’ll call him.” I hand her my phone and she puts the number in.

“He’s really sorry,” she says, getting up.

“It’s okay. I understand.” I smile at her. “Thanks for letting me know.”

“No problem.” She smiles back, then gets in line for a coffee.

So my first attempt at dating failed. I was actually looking forward to this now that I know Jace has no interest in me. I still want Jace, but it’s time to move on. I can’t keep waiting for something that’ll never happen.

Getting out my phone, I text Neal, Sorry about the car trouble. Maybe some other time.

He texts back. Could you meet at three today? Same place?

Three is when I usually go home for the day. Jace is done with class at two so he’s home when I get there and we usually talk and hang out before I start studying. But given that I’m annoyed with him and need some space, staying on campus to meet up with Neal sounds like a good idea.

Three works, I text back. See you then.

I’ll be there. I promise!

He clearly feels bad about missing our date, but he doesn’t need to. It’s not his fault, and at least he sent someone to let me know so I wasn’t sitting here waiting forever.

Another text pops up. I’m assuming it’s from Neal but it’s from Jace.

How’s your date going?

Like it’s any of his business? He shouldn’t even be asking. I ignore his text and get in line to order a coffee, then head to class.

At three, I return to the coffee shop and see Neal as soon as I walk in. He looks really nice, wearing black pants and a button-up shirt. Maybe I should’ve dressed up more, but it seemed weird to dress up for coffee.

“Kenzie.” He smiles, then holds his arms out for a hug. I give him a quick hug, then back away. “I’m glad we could make this work today.”

“Yeah, my last class just ended. I usually head home, but it’s good you suggested this. I didn’t feel like going home today.” I realize that sounds bad and say, “Not that that’s the only reason I agreed to meet you here. I just meant… never mind.” I smile to cover up my embarrassment. I didn’t realize until now how bad I am at dating. I’m really out of practice.

“You want to order?” he asks.

“Sure.”

We get our drinks then find a place to sit.

“So any particular reason why you didn’t want to go home?” he says.

I was hoping he wouldn’t ask, but since he did, I say, “Just roommate problems. It’s nothing.”

“Roommates.” He sighs and rolls his eyes. “I’ve had some really bad ones. Freshman year was the worst. I shared a dorm room with a guy who used to leave his nail clippings all over the floor. And he refused to sleep without the sound of this app he had that played train noises.”

“Like the train moving or the horn going off?”

“Both. I don’t think I slept at all that year. And I had to wear shoes in our room to avoid getting his disgusting nail clippings on my feet.”

I laugh. “That’s really gross.”

“I know, right?” He shakes his head. “So what’s the deal with your roommate? Is she too noisy? Does she leave the place a mess?”

“Neither of those. And it’s not a girl. It’s a guy.”

He looks surprised. “You live with a guy?”

“Yeah. I needed a place to stay and he needed a roommate. It’s a long story.”

“I’m not in a hurry.” He leans back in his chair. “Go ahead.”

“I’d rather not talk about it.” I take a sip of my latte. “It’s not a good story for a first date.”

“Have you dated much? Since moving here?”

“No,” I say, not wanting to tell him why.

“I haven’t dated much either.” He looks to the side, then back at me. “I just broke up with my girlfriend. Well, she broke up with me. About three weeks ago. She said things were getting too serious and we needed to date other people. I didn’t agree, but I couldn’t get her to change her mind.”

I hope he doesn’t plan on talking about his ex the whole time.

“So what’s your major?” I ask.

“Engineering. That’s how I met Lena. She’s also studying engineering. And she’s a golfer like me. We have so much in common. I don’t know why she thinks we should date other people.”

“Maybe she just needs to get it out of her system,” I say, realizing he’s not going to stop talking about this anytime soon. “Maybe she’ll date other guys and end up coming back to you.”

“If I knew that for sure, I’d wait for her.”

If he wants her back, then why did he ask me out? To be his therapist for an hour?

“Neal, I think you need more time before you start dating again. Or maybe just give your ex some time. Maybe she’ll change her mind.”

“You really think she will?” he asks, sounding hopeful. “Would a girl change her mind like that?”

“Sure. Girls change their minds all the time. One day she loves you and the next day you’re driving her crazy. That’s totally normal.”

“But she ended things with me. That seems really final.”

“It might be, but it might not. Sometimes a girl just needs time away to get her thoughts straightened out. Maybe things with you were getting too serious and it scared her because she wasn’t ready. A week or two without you might make her see things differently. I’m not saying that will happen but it’s possible.”

He glances down at his phone, then back at me. “So I guess this date was a bad idea.”

“Probably.”

“Sorry. I really was interested in you, but my heart is still with Lena. My friends are telling me to move on, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.”

“I don’t think so either.” I get up, holding my hand out. “Nice meeting you, Neal. Good luck.”

“Thanks.” He stands up, but instead of shaking my hand, he gives me another hug. “You’re a nice person, Kenzie. You’re going to make some guy really happy.”

If only that guy was Jace. I thought I made him happy, and maybe I do, but he still doesn’t want to date me.