Chapter Twenty-Four

G randfather Stubbs read through Helen's business proposal. Twice. He did not make a sound. The only thing that she could hear in his office was her own heart beating. At last, he set down the papers.

‘It is a good proposal, Helen. A brilliant idea, in fact, to make reading available to all men and women. My main concern is that it has not been tried before. You could bankrupt your publishing house within a year, if your penny novels are not a success. You also haven't found cheaper paper to produce such novels or proven that it could be a financially viable plan.'

Helen opened her mouth, then closed it. She shook her head. ‘So, you're turning down my business proposal?'

‘I am suggesting that you do more work, before you try to obtain the money from me,' Grandfather said.

Helen shuffled to her feet and grabbed the business proposal that she'd taken three days to write. She wanted to crumple it up and throw it in the fire. She walked to the door, turning the handle.

‘Might I give you some advice, my dear?'

She gritted her teeth and turned on her heel to face him. ‘What?'

Grandfather Stubbs laughed. ‘You've never been any good at hiding your emotions. You're angry with me, but I wouldn't ask more of you if I didn't think that you had it in you to give me.'

‘I hope that's not the advice.'

He chuckled again. ‘It is not... Helen, in business, it is rarely wise to put all of your eggs in one basket. A good business has several sources of income, so that if one does not work out, you can rely on another. Diversification in stocks and offerings is the best way to have a secure company.'

Diversification.

‘If I had a basket of your eggs, I would feed them to Theodosia.'

Grandfather chortled. ‘Your pet snake is welcome to any of my eggs.'

Helen shut the door rather louder than she meant to.

Grandmother Stubbs came towards her, unsmiling. Helen was the least favourite of the grandchildren. Her hair and clothes were never tidy. And her affinity to snakes did not help her prim grandmother like her.

‘What news on your publishing company, Helen? Not that I approve of young ladies owning businesses, of course.'

Shaking her head, she tried to move past her grandmother. But she'd forgotten that in addition to a stony glare, her step-grandmother had an iron-like grip. She got her claws deep into Helen's arm. ‘Tell me what your grandfather said.'

‘I am sure he will tell you himself.'

Grandmother gave her the stare that turned lesser beings to stone. ‘Helen.'

‘He said that my business plan was flawed, because it was based on one unproven idea. He said that I needed to diversify where my money comes from for my company to keep it successful.'

She nodded, slowly. ‘Isn't diversification exactly what a publishing company needs? You read different books than your sisters. I read different books than your grandfather. How could one style or type of book meet all of our needs? It couldn't. You must take your one great idea and make it but a part of your larger plan. No doubt it would be wise to continue many of the things that the publishing house is currently doing.'

‘That's not a bad plan.'

But her grandmother did not release her vice-like grip on Helen's arm. ‘Change for women comes slowly, but it still comes. Do not lose heart. Never give up the fight for your voice to be heard.'

Helen could only gape at her grandmother. ‘You don't approve of Mama's business. I thought you wouldn't want me to own a publishing company.'

‘My stepdaughter has proved that a woman is more than equal to the task. She has gone to her shop and her factory. She has worked among her employees and knows every piece of the process in the manufacturing of her perfume bottles. What do you know of the publishing house?'

‘I've only been there once.'

Her grandmother finally released her arm. ‘Then go back and find out all that you don't know and make another business plan. And don't forget to include the best parts from your first one.'

Impulsively, Helen hugged her grandmother. ‘Thank you.'

Grandmother Stubbs released her, the stern look back on her face. ‘Now what is this I heard about you staring at a young earl on the dance floor and monopolising him? It will not do. No, it will not do at all. You must behave like a proper young lady... Make sure that someone escorts you to the publishing house.'

‘I couldn't go by myself if I tried,' Helen said with a groan. ‘I've got a scheduled nursemaid for every day of the week. Matthew is today's minder.'

Her grandmother nodded in approval. ‘Your mother is nothing if not well organised.'

Helen groaned again.

Matthew met them in the hall. ‘Ready to go yet? I need to pop into Parliament today. There is a vote I must be a part of.'

Nodding, she said, ‘Yes. Thank you for the advice, Grandmother.'

She followed Matthew out the front door and into his carriage. Helen wished that he would have brought his daughter, Susan, with him today. She was by far the more entertaining of the two of them.

‘Will you take me to the publishing house?' Helen asked.

Her elder brother shook his head. ‘I can't today. Perhaps Wick can take you tomorrow. I'm going to have to drop you off at Hampford House.'

She opened her mouth to protest, but then closed it. Her nursemaid was going to leave her home and unattended.

When they arrived at the London house, Matthew got out of the carriage and escorted her inside.

‘Harper, my good man,' he said to the butler. ‘I know that I am asking the impossible, but for the sake of both of our heads, could you keep an eye on the front door and stop this termagant from escaping, should she get into her mind to go for a dip in a lake or on a nature walk?'

Grunting, Helen gave her brother a playful shove to the door. ‘I don't need another keeper.'

Since she couldn't escape, she went to the conservatory at the back of the house. She loved all the greenery and even the animals.

‘Pegleg. Small treasure chest. Pegleg. Small treasure chest,' Mademoiselle Jaune kept repeating as she flew around her head.

Helen sighed. ‘I miss him, too.'

But she could hardly climb over to his garden with his aunt, mother and cousin staying there. One of them might see her and it would cause just the sort of scandal that would make her mother furious.

Helen kneeled and cut off the dead flowers from the tulips. They were a glorious little flower, but their lives were all too short.

Mademoiselle Jaune flapped over her head, before resting on her shoulder. ‘Captain Jason. Captain Jason. Captain Jason.'

‘Aye, aye, Mademoiselle Jaune. I am here and reporting for duty,' Jason said. His voice as familiar as any member of her family.

Helen stood up and turned.

He was smiling. But he was always smiling. Harper must have let him in.

Jason came towards her and surprised her with a brief kiss on her cheek. ‘I have a living now, Helen. I have my own parish! We can marry as soon as the banns are read.'

A shiver of discomfort ran down her spine and she blinked. ‘That's...that's wonderful news. Did the Bishop of London give you one?'

‘Your mother took me to see him herself and he was the most amiable man, Helen. He told me about the struggles and the poverty in the docks and rookeries. But he thinks that I would make a great difference in so many lives.'

She smiled, sadly. ‘I know you will, but, Jason, I don't want to live in London permanently like Matthew and Nancy. One of the reasons why I agreed to marry you was so that I could live in Ashbury near Hampford Castle.'

Jason's smile dimmed slightly. ‘I know. I know, Helen. But the Bishop of London promised me a parish in the country after I have served five years in the slums. He said that he never asks a vicar to stay longer than that, because they begin to despair. That the poverty and violence become too much for even the most zealous of churchmen... I know that it will be hard. Probably the hardest thing that I have ever been called to do. But Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ dined with publicans and prostitutes. He was not above anyone.'

‘I have no doubt that you'll be an incredible light to all in your parish, even those who do not attend your meetings. But I could not live in London all year long. My soul would shrivel up and die.'

He took her hands. ‘Then we must wait five years for marriage, sweetest Helen. I can promise you a healthy country parish nearer to Hampford Castle. One where I can continue to do good and you can commune with nature to your heart's content.'

Helen didn't know what to say. Five years was a long time. The ton would even consider her youth spent at six and twenty years old. Even then, she would be a vicar's wife. The people of his parish would be just as exacting of her behaviour as the beau monde. Everything she said and did would be judged and scrutinised. She was not a perfect lady. She did not want to be.

She moved her hands to the collar of his coat. ‘Kiss me again, Jason. Once more.'

He puckered his lips and pressed them chastely to hers.

It was nice, but Helen felt nothing special.

Opening her own mouth, she tried to coax his rigid lips into the softer, deeper kisses that she'd shared with Mark. The kisses that had turned her blood to liquid fire. But Jason's mouth stayed firmly closed. It wasn't enjoyable at all. Only awkward.

She leaned back. ‘Kissing is better if you open your mouth a little. Relax your lips and gently return the pressure of mine.'

Jason turned as red as a sinner on the Sabbath. ‘We can't kiss like that until we're married. It wouldn't be proper.'

‘Is being proper very important to you?'

‘I love you, Helen. I have always loved you. Since we were children. But we cannot behave like animals. We should not engage in carnal embraces until after we are married.'

Helen stepped back. ‘In five years.'

He held out his hands to her, but she did not take them. ‘It is hard to wait. But it will not be too long and we'll be able to see each other when you come to London for the Season. You might visit oftener now that you've purchased a publishing house. Your mother told me all about it.'

Wrapping her arms around herself, she said, ‘Then you won't mind having a wife who works in business?'

Jason's hands fell to his sides. ‘Not if it gives you purpose and meaning until we are married. I am sure once we have children, you'll want to focus your energies at home, with them.'

Her eyebrows raised. ‘My mother continued to work through childbirth and rearing.'

‘But your mother is not warm like you. Surely you would not wish to ignore your children for your own vanity?'

She shook her head. ‘I never felt ignored. And Mama's company is not about her vanity, it's about her passion. Her talents. Scents and mixtures are what makes her who she is. If she had abandoned it when she bore Wick, she would have only been living half a life. Denying an essential part of herself.'

He no longer smiled. Not even the corners of his lips turned up. ‘I could never deny you anything that you asked for. I love you, Helen. If you wish to continue publishing after we are married, I will not forbid it.'

A tear fell down her cheek. ‘And I love you, Jason. I always have. But I have realised that I am not in love with you and that we would not suit each other in marriage. My parents were right. You want a wife who will be dedicated to her husband and children. A wife who will set an example in your parish to other women. One of obedience and piety... I could never be that wife. I am a wild creature and I have no wish to be tamed and domesticated. To be changed into another animal entirely.'

Jason's jaw clenched. ‘I wouldn't try to tame you. I promise.'

‘But you would be disappointed in me. You would be embarrassed by me. Our love for each other would sour. It is the love of children. The Latin word philia . It is pure and sweet. But we are grown now. I could never be an obedient wife of a churchman and you could not ask it of me... It is better that we part now. You will make an incredible vicar. I know that you will do a great deal of good and I will always consider you one of my dearest friends.'

He gritted his teeth. ‘I should not have looked so high above me. Perhaps God is punishing me for my pride.'

Unclasping the locket, she held it out to him and placed it in his hands. ‘It has our pictures and your lock of hair. Do not give up on your faith or on God. He is not punishing you. For you have shown me that He is the God of love, instead of damnation. Of forgiveness, instead of condemnation. Your love and His will lift hearts wherever you go. But I have always wished to stay at home.'

Jason's hands clenched over the locket, but he didn't speak. He only nodded, as if words were too difficult to form.

‘Goodbye,' Helen said.

He gave Helen one last imploring look, before turning on his heel and leaving the conservatory.

Helen sat down on a bench. She couldn't work on the plants. Her throat felt thick and her mind jumped from memory to memory with Jason. They had played together. Swam together. Been pirates together. Danced together. Grown up together.

Several minutes later, the door to the conservatory opened and her mother walked into the room.

Mama sat down next to Helen on the bench. ‘I saw Jason before he left.'

‘Then you know.'

Her mother nodded. ‘I am so sorry, darling.'

Helen leaned her head on her mother's shoulder. ‘You were right. We are not suited for each other as adults and I would make a terrible vicar's wife. Whether we lived in Ashbury or another parish.'

Mama kissed Helen's forehead. ‘That doesn't mean that I am not sorry for your loss. I know that you loved him.'

She burrowed her head further into her mother's shoulder, nodding. ‘I did love him as a dear friend. But I wasn't in love with him. I've learned there is a difference.'

Mark had explained it to her. But she didn't want him to feel philia towards her either. Or not simply friendship. She also realised, after Jason's lacklustre embrace, that she felt physical desire for Mark. Eros. Touching him was more than about comfort, safety or friendship. It had become a need as real as eating.

But he was an earl.

Mark was everything that she didn't want in a husband. His home was far away from Hampford, all the way in Scotland. And if they married, he would expect her to be his hostess and a pattern card of perfection. Something that she couldn't even pretend to be.

Mama sighed. ‘I hope you know that I was not trying to injure you by introducing Jason to the Bishop of London. I was looking at his best interests. I have always been very fond of him and I wanted to help him in his career.'

‘He's thrilled to have his own parish. The poorer the better and he likes living in the city.'

Her mother softly stroked her hair. ‘Jason has so much love to offer. It would have been a pity for him not to be able to find his own parish. His own people to help. A wife. Someone as dedicated to the work as he is. But your scientific calling is quite different than his religious one.'

Helen sat up, rubbing her eyes. ‘Do you ever regret the time you've spent at Duchess & Company? The energy you've given your company instead of your family?'

Mama shook her head. ‘Not at all. Without my company, I would be a cheetah without spots. It is a part of who I am. Never allow others to define who you are.'

‘Not even the ton ?'

‘Especially not them.'

‘I love you, Mama.'

‘And I love you, Helen. More than you will probably ever know. A mother is only as happy as her saddest child.'

Mantheria.

But Helen didn't say her eldest sister's name.