Chapter 20: Everett

Chapter 20: Everett

Eight of my packmates had died. Four more were found among the carnage still alive, but barely. They were the ones we recovered first, bringing them back to my house where we laid them down to cling to life under the care of ill-equipped pseudo-healers. Awaiting instruction, all I could think to say to them was to clean up the wounded. They were all wolves, so we couldn’t bring them to the hospital. What could we do, bring them to a vet? I didn’t know.

I barely existed, all day operating like an automaton, trying to cope with the immense loss my pack had taken without thinking myself into a stupor. If I stopped for even a moment, my sense of failure and incompetence would dominate me, but as much as I wanted to just give up, I couldn’t. My pack depended on me to lead them no matter if our days were prosperous or grave. They turned to me for guidance. Too often I found myself grasping hopelessly at words that felt like they weren’t good enough, and I would just push myself to perform some other task, hoping nobody would notice how utterly disoriented I had become. Shock and disbelief had crippled me.

In a pack meeting that afternoon, I gathered my packmates and we mourned for our dead. We gathered the bodies, most of them wolf, and the Mythguard offered to take care of their burials. Usually we sent bodies to the funeral home in Dalesbloom, but I didn’t even want to look in their direction. Thankfully we had a connection to the Gunnison County Police Department, which would make it easier to justify their disappearances, rather than trying to explain it away to humans who would sooner launch an investigation and uncover more than they bargained for. I couldn’t wrap my head around how I would deal with that. I didn’t even know where to begin. I was at a loss. It was hard enough for me to speak, let alone figure out the next step.

Without Taylor, I doubted myself. It occurred to me how much I relied on his stability and support to have such confidence in my leadership. His unwavering loyalty always made me feel like I was making the right decisions, but I wondered now if I had been wrong. Maybe all this time, I’d been unfit to lead. The idea entered my head and wouldn’t leave.

By 3 p.m., I was exhausted, drained of all life and thought. My mother urged me to rest, reassuring me that she could handle the aftermath, which was far more than I had become capable of. Retreating upstairs, I laid on my bed that still smelled of Aislin and closed my eyes, but despite not sleeping all night, my racing mind still kept me awake. I was alone with my thoughts until my phone rang around 6 p.m.

Aislin’s name popped up. A small flutter of relief hit me, then died a second later. I didn’t expect anything from her.

When I answered, I could barely speak. I didn’t know what to say to her, then in the silence, it all came tumbling out. “Dalesbloom attacked. They killed eight of us,” I croaked. As Aislin’s stunned silence stretched on, I continued, “It’s my fault, Ais. I sent Taylor into Dalesbloom to speak with somebody I thought could help us. I thought he knew a good candidate to replace David, or at least, he’d be able to share David’s plans with us. But I was wrong. They caught Taylor. They… they killed him.” I stumbled gracelessly over my words, my tongue like lead. Emotion wrenched its way up my throat, then lodged its claws in the flesh, sticking there like barbed wire. I couldn’t speak around it, couldn’t even breathe. The heat in my face was embarrassing, even though Aislin couldn’t see it, I knew she’d be able to hear the tears that threatened me.

On the other line, Aislin inhaled sharply. “Ev, I’m so sorry,” she said quietly. “I don’t even know what to say. How… Why…?”

“Because I was stupid enough to send Taylor into Dalesbloom,” I repeated.

“Why kill so many?”

“Because they were there and they could. David retaliated against me spying on him. I made a mistake, Ais. I was trying to gain intel so I could help Grandbay prepare for an incoming attack, but it backfired, and now Taylor and seven more of my packmates are dead. I did this.”

“Ev, no,” she hushed. “You didn’t do this. David did this.”

“But I pushed him to do it.”

“You were trying to help us.”

“I never should have done anything.”

Aislin sighed. “Where did you send Taylor? How did you expect to gain intel?”

“I had a bug planted in Hexen Manor. We overheard two Dalesbloom wolves talking about the attack, I thought… if we could contact them… we could learn when and where the attack would happen.”

“Wait, how did you plant a bug?”

I heistated, thinking back to last week when the first mission I sent Taylor on had gotten him badly injured. I should have heeded that warning. “We paid off someone from Rooster Alarms to put it there.”

“And you didn’t think to mention this to us?”

Her needling criticism only harmed me further. I stared absently at my bedroom wall, grappling with a mix of anger and hopelessness. Maybe telling Grandbay about the bug would have somehow been the solution to keeping Taylor alive.

I was silent for long enough that Aislin continued on. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to sound that way. Just… maybe we could have worked together on that.”

Still, I said nothing.

“Sorry,” she said again.

“It’s fine. Look, I just… I have a lot to deal with.” Suddenly, I no longer wanted to talk to her anymore. Or anyone. “Four of my packmates are still in need of care.”

“Let us help,” urged Aislin.

My anger won this time. “What do you expect to do?”

“Something, Ev, anything. We can help.”

“Forget about it! I wouldn’t want you to think I’m just using you,” I muttered.

Aislin’s silence reassured me that I had pretty much hit the nail on the head regarding her assumptions about the text exchange she saw between Sebastian and I. Guilt simmered between us both before I added, “I have to go.”

I barely heard her begin to utter my name before I hung up on her.

Setting the phone down, I buried my face in my hands. It wasn’t like me to be so short-tempered. I didn’t know how to consolidate all the wild emotions raging within me. My packmates still depended on me and I had to help them, but I lingered up in my bedroom a few minutes longer, unable to stomach that I would only be going back downstairs to tell them that I still had no idea what to do.

When I did finally drag my feet down the stairs, everyone looked up at me, expectant of a solution. I peered back at them, my eyes feeling puffy despite having not yet shed any tears. I couldn’t. I wanted to, but pride wouldn’t let me fall apart, not yet. Holding it all back prevented me from speaking as immediately as I wanted to. My voice wrinkled through my throat and reluctantly hit the air. “We need to keep them hydrated,” was all I could think to say. “And warm.”

My packmates looked between one another, obviously expecting more. They thought I would have had a solid plan by now, or that I’d know how to heal our wounded, but I didn’t. My mother spoke quietly to the others, parsing my half-baked command into more thorough instructions.

Ashamed of myself, I walked past them all back outside. The warmth of the sun didn’t register to me. I only felt cold and lost.

Standing out on my front step, I lost track of time before spotting a car rumbling up the long, winding driveway. It hugged the mountainside then appeared from among the trees, a familiar dark grey sedan with four bodies inside slowly coming to a halt beside the three other vehicles parked in front of my house. Out stepped Gavin, Billie, Aislin, and Muriel. I stared at them without words.

“Hey,” Gavin said lowly. “Fuck, man. I’m sorry for what happened. We’re here to help any way we can.”

“I told you I didn’t want your help,” I said rigidly.

They all hesitated to speak and I glanced at Aislin last, who immediately averted her gaze, rubbing the back of her neck.

Muriel stepped up between them. The unicorn met my eye and I felt immediately unworthy of her presence. All my scheming to kidnap this very woman, hand her over to the Mythguard, and deprive Grandbay of the shifter they had grown so fond of—and here she was before me, smiling sadly. “Please let me see them.”

It would only be cruel of me to deny my packmates the help they so desperately needed. With a growl, I briskly turned away and headed back inside with the four Grandbay wolves following. When we re-entered the house, my packmates—and the Mythguard humans that had lingered to offer their support—all looked up at the interlopers and bristled. Then they all collectively seemed to recognize Muriel. Some of them stood. The Mythguard humans approached and I raised my palm to them. “She’s here to help the wounded.”

They fell back in compliance.

As Muriel knelt beside the first of my wounded packmates, Gavin, Aislin, and Billie joined the others. “How can we help? Tell us what to do,” said Gavin.

My mother took the lead and sent them to grab fresh towels and water.

Folding my arms, I watched the unicorn extend her hand to the tattered flesh of my packmate. She recoiled when she nearly touched fresh blood. That’s right—unicorns were especially vulnerable to fresh blood. It was like poison to them. And here she was surrounded by it—the sight, the smell, the sensation. Muriel swallowed hard and closed her eyes, applying her magic with a warm tingle in the air that we could all feel.

Aislin returned with her arms full of towels, handing them out to my packmates. Once her arms were emptied, she glanced up at me. I felt too much all at once to be conscious of my reaction, which was just to stare at her, dead-eyed.

The moment she looked away was when I was finally urged to speak. “Hey,” I said, “can we talk?”

She balled her fists and nodded. We both stepped away and I led her back upstairs. Each step felt like I was slogging through liquid mercury, fighting against the gravity of a black hole. When we reached my bedroom, I shut the door and my shoulders sagged.

Aislin stood a few feet away from me. “Sorry again about all this.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“I mean just… you didn’t deserve to have this happen to Eastpeak. Losing eight packmates to Dalesbloom and the Inkscales. Losing Taylor.”

Slowly shaking my head, I searched for words and struggled.

Her body gravitated closer. I saw her feet first coming into my field of view, then mustered the strength to lift my eyes up to her, flickering over the cute freckles on her cheeks, her half-open mouth, her gaze gentle with sympathy. She looked back at me like she was trying to interpret something about me. I didn’t know what she expected to gain from her analysis, she seemed to have already passed judgment on me long ago.

“I’m sorry for being so angry with you and leaving you in the middle of the night,” Aislin continued. “If I’d stayed, maybe I could have helped protect someone. Or Taylor wouldn’t have had to go out there.”

My throat tightened at the sincerity in her voice. “It’s too late. There’s no going back from what happened.”

“I know, just… I would have helped if I could have.”

“You hate me. Why does it matter?”

Aislin rubbed her arms. “I don’t hate you, Everett.”

“Don’t give me empty reassurances.”

“I left because I saw your messages with Sebastian,” she said. “I’m sorry for snooping, but his most recent text popped up and I was able to guess your passcode.”

Of course. That was exactly what I suspected.

“You know I wasn’t going to give up Muriel. And just because she’s here now, it doesn’t mean the Mythguard are going to take her.”

“No,” I sighed. “They’re not going to take her. She’ll go home with you.”

Aislin stayed silent. We both fought against things we wanted to say and things we felt. As much as it would accomplish everything I’d been planning to just have the Mythguard take Muriel by force, I couldn’t take advantage of their kindness like that. She came of her own volition to help my packmates. I appreciated that beyond words.

“Thank you,” said Aislin.

I didn’t even think I’d have the strength to pursue Muriel anymore. Eastpeak had taken such a huge hit from David, we were all wounded, whether physically, emotionally, or mentally.

She drifted closer still, and her proximity made my heartbeat pick up. The closeness of my fated mate was intoxicating as ever. I was in no state to succumb to her allure, but the way I wanted her now was different than before. I just wanted the relief of touch and to not feel so alone.

Sensing that, she reached out and grazed my arm. Her fingertips were warm enough that I realized I’d been enveloped in cold sweat this entire time. Slowly, I unfolded my arms and pressed my lips together to keep the excess of emotion from spilling out. Aislin met my eyes and must have known everything going on in my mind. Her hands trailed along my arms and up to my shoulders before drawing me into a hug. Although she was smaller than me, the way she strained to completely embrace me was enough. Just knowing that she wanted to hold me, all of me, it was so soothing that the pain wracking my heart immediately subsided. It wasn’t enough to heal me completely, but it was at long last a reprieve from all my loneliness that I shed all the tension in my body and melted into her. I held her body against mine and sunk my face into her shoulder, gradually tightening my grip until I clutched her like she was a lifeline. I needed this so badly.

“It’s okay, Everett. I know you try to hold everyone at arm’s length, but if you want to let me in, I can be here for you. I want to trust you,” she said.

I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed her in. That was what I wanted too, for her to trust me and be here for me. It was just so difficult for me to let anyone in, but Aislin… she was my fated mate. I could let down my walls for her, couldn’t I? For someone to give me the comfort that I craved all this time… I could trust her, too. I had to.

“You don’t have to be alone,” Aislin murmured.

Emotion burned so hot in my face that the wetness in my eyes stung. My shoulders quaked, fractures spreading through my usually stoic façade threatening to erupt with everything that had built up inside me. I couldn’t move for fear of her seeing this side of me that I’d never revealed to anybody else, but I was so broken and low that it was too much.

If anybody had to see me fall apart, I wanted it to be my fated mate.

Aislin just held me and kissed my cheek, granting me the love I’d deprived myself of for so long.