25. Felix

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

felix

“Come on. The carrots, okay. They were a little gross-looking.” I hold out a spoon to Hazel. “But this is yummy. Yummy peas.”

She makes a face that clearly communicates she’s not having it. Making some sounds I’m fairly sure tell me she’s not happy, but she’s still smiling.

“They are soooo good,” I try and then stupidly bring the spoon to my mouth for a taste and nearly lose my dinner right there. “Oh, holy fu—” I look at her wide, amused eyes and stop myself. “Okay, you’re right. Not good.”

Henry chuckles, sitting down next to me on the couch. It’s good to hear him laugh. He’s been a little quiet today. I saw him chatting with Andrew at the end of our shift, and I wonder if maybe that’s why.

But I haven’t wanted to push him on it. “I told you. The girl doesn’t like vegetables. This is so not good.”

I grin and hand Hazel some of the cereal-like treats she loves, giving up on the baby food. “She just doesn’t like cold mush vegetables. She’ll eat the real thing.”

“You sound awfully sure of that.” I lean back against the couch next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. “Well, we’ll just have to find creative ways to get veggies in her diet then. My girl is going to be healthy.”

He turns his face, and I can’t read his expression. I can’t lie and say it doesn’t make me nervous. “I like when you call her your girl.”

Okay, that’s not what I was expecting, especially because his tone doesn’t match his words. It sounds ominous. “She is my girl,” I say boldly, placing my hand on his cheek because both he and I know it’s not technically true, but it sure feels like it is. “I love her, Henry. You know that, right?”

I love you too.

I want to say it so desperately, but I don’t want him to run away. I don’t want him to tell me I don’t because I know I do.

He looks pained, his expression pinched tightly, but he nods. “I know you do.”

I love you too.

My mind screams.

“Did you tell Andrew about Maggie?” My hand drops from his face, and I turn a little more in his direction, but not too much because I don’t want my back completely to Hazel, who’s on the other side of me.

“No. I never mentioned her. Why?”

“Andrew . . .” His eyes search mine, and I guess I was right about something during their conversation throwing him off. “He was telling me his story, but it sure sounded familiar. He swears you didn’t say anything.”

“I didn’t,” I say firmly. I have to admit it hurts that he thinks I would. But I take his hand in mine and implore him to look at me, which he does. “Henry, I’d never tell your secrets to anyone, not even to Andrew. Not even if I thought he could help you with your demons. It’s not my place, and I know that.”

Maybe I lack boundaries in some areas, but not that one. I know when someone trusts you with their truth, that’s a big deal.

I’m worried this is going to turn into a big blowup, maybe one where he leaves, but he shocks me like he’s done so many times and leans in, ghosting his lips over mine. “I love you, Felix. I’m in love with you.”

I gasp. A full-on, totally dramatic gasp. I can’t form words for a moment as he smiles against my lips, not pressing forward and not saying anything else until I finally can. “I love you too.”

He kisses me softly, his fingers sliding through my hair but keeping it chaste since Hazel is right next to me, playing happily with her toys. “I knew deep down you didn’t tell him anything, but there was a moment—”

I stop him. “It’s okay. As long as you talk to me, and now you believe me, it’s okay to have doubt.”

“I shouldn’t ever doubt you, Felix. You’ve never given me a reason to. You aren’t Maggie. I know that. You’re nothing like her.”

I squeeze his hand, loving the way his other one strokes my hair on the back of my head. “But she gave you Hazel. I don’t hate her. No part of me does.” I need him to know that. Maggie will always be Hazel’s mother.

“I do,” he says, his voice cracking, and I see the pain in his eyes. “I hate her every single day. And I know she’s sick, that she doesn’t want to be, but there’s still this part of me that hates her for leaving. Not just me—but for leaving Hazel. I don’t know how she could do that.”

I turn, pulling Hazel onto my lap. She had a toy in her hand and brings it with her, hitting my chest with it over and over, giggling. Yeah . . . I don’t know how anyone could leave her. “She’s sick. Addiction is so damn hard.”

“It was the same, though, when she was sober. She didn’t look at Hazel the same way I did. I could see it.”

I turn to look at him, confusion filling my mind, and then I remember what he said to me. That I see Hazel. He must be thinking the same thing because he leans in and kisses me quickly.

“You see her the same way I do. You did from the beginning, whether you wanted a kid or not. Whether you had experience with babies, it didn’t matter. You researched. You cared.”

“I fell in love,” I finish, and he smiles.

“When you look at her, I see that love. Love I never saw on Maggie’s face, and I know there are plenty of people out there who don’t want kids. Who shouldn’t have kids. I don’t fault her for that.” I can hear the pain in his words, but no judgment.

“But she’s her mother.”

“I’ll always feel guilt for talking her into having Hazel when I knew she didn’t want a baby. But I can’t regret Hazel.” He reaches out and takes his daughter’s hand. She laughs and plays with his fingers as she plays with her toy in her other hand.

“No. You shouldn’t. You shouldn’t feel guilty either, but I guess we can’t help how we feel. You wanted Hazel, but I don’t believe for a moment you forced Maggie to have her. She wanted to love you both, Henry.”

His eyes close momentarily and then open again, joy filtering through his expression when he looks at his daughter. “I don’t want to hate her.”

“You don’t,” I say with certainty. “You could never hate anyone.”

He kisses my cheek softly and pulls back to look at me. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I say easily, relieved because I can finally say it, and I probably will whenever I can. I look at Hazel, who still has some peas on her face and is busy playing and making baby babble. “I love you too, my girl.”

She smiles at me, like she already knows that, and I feel complete in a way I never have before.

“Thank you for trusting me,” I say to Henry, and he takes a deep breath, smiling at me in answer.

Because that’s exactly what he does now.

He trusts me, and there’s no way I’ll ever fuck that up.