Chapter 33

Chapter 33

After seeing Anthony, Bridget felt as though her spirit was restored. She imagined that he would be agreeable to her plan, or at least, she hoped. If Bridget had the choice, she would have liked to have been his forever, but if she had none, she would at least want a night of passion. She wanted a night when she could be adored, one single night where she felt like a woman who was loved and desired for something more than her potential to make an heir.

"You know," Mr. Russell said, "I am a little morose that your father told you of my plans to propose. I thought it would be a great secret and that you would be delightfully surprised."

"I shall be delighted nonetheless," Anna said, her lips twitching in amusement. "And I suspect that knowing I intend to accept has not diminished your own delight."

"It has not," he countered, "but I had hoped to make a grand gesture, which you doubtlessly deserve."

"You can still make a grand gesture. In fact, I would argue that you can make an even grander one. After all, you know that I will not reject your proposal, so you do not need to fear the potential humiliation of my refusal."

Mr. Russell's eyes shined with affection. "That is true."

Bridget trailed them, saying nothing. She was thinking about how fortunate it was that her sister would have such a doting husband. An ache twisted in her chest. Bridget was not jealous of her sister, but watching Mr. Russell and Anna was a stark reminder of the closeness that she would never have with her husband, for she could not imagine ever loving the Marquess of Thornton.

"That will be two proposals," Anna said, her concerned gaze turning to Bridget. "I know that our father will be displeased if you refuse, but if you do reject the Marquess of Thornton, I am sure you could…"

Bridget did not know what words her sister left unsaid. Did Anna expect that Bridget would remain unwed, a burden to her already indebted parents?

"The Marquess of Thornton?" Mr. Russell asked. "Do you mean to marry him?"

"He has asked our father for my hand," Bridget said.

She tried not to fidget with her skirts, but she felt uncomfortable with both her sister and Mr. Russell watching her with expressions of such concern and discomfort.

"He is an… older man," Mr. Russell said, with the air of a man who was trying to be tactful.

"He is."

"Bridget does not wish to marry him," Anna said. "Our father insists upon it, though. In return for Bridget's hand, he has agreed to pay all our father's debts."

Mr. Russell furrowed his brow. "How numerous are they?"

"I do not know," Anna replied.

"Perhaps I could pay some of them or offer some guidance," Mr. Russell said.

"No," Bridget said. "No, I cannot ask you to do that. It is not your duty to pay those debts for me."

"But why should it be yours?" Anna asked. "They are not your debts."

"It is my duty as the eldest daughter," Bridget said. "Besides, Mr. Russell will need his money to support your own happiness. You are to begin a life together, and you cannot squander your fortune on me."

"It would not be squandering," Mr. Russell said. "You are to be my sister, and I have a duty to look after you as one."

Bridget drew a shuddering breath. "There is my pride to consider, Mr. Russell. While I do appreciate your kind offer, I will marry Lord Thornton. I have come to peace with my fate."

That was not entirely true. She found herself still thinking about how the pretend courtship might free her of the amorous Marquess of Thornton once and for all. Bridget knew it was a futile hope, for she had already agonized over the situation time and time again, searching for some manner of escape. Still, she found none.

"You cannot marry him," Anna said, coming to an abrupt stop and clasping Bridget's hands in her own. "You must refuse."

Bridget shook her head. "Anna, I cannot. Even if the debts could be paid in some other way, there is still the fact that Lord Thornton is our father's valued business partner. If I refuse to wed him, I could damage that relationship and make matters worse."

"But that would be our father's folly for not managing to clear his debts!" Anna declared.

"He is our father, Anna! How can you say something like that?"

Anna drew in a sharp breath. For a while, they walked in silence. Bridget tried not to think about the uncomfortable quiet between the three of them. She wondered what Mr. Russell must think about them, their indebted father and Bridget's hesitance to marry the man who could solve all their problems.

"It is still unfair for Father to go back on his word," Anna said. "He promised that you could have a love match, and it is cruel of him to deprive you of that."

Bridget sighed. "Let us not talk about it," she said. "It is such a dour topic. We ought to be celebrating because you and Mr. Russell are to wed!"

"I have not even proposed yet," Mr. Russell pointed out. "Who can say how far away the wedding will be?"

"Soon," Anna said.

"Perhaps I will have my new gowns to wear," Bridget replied.

"They look lovely," Anna said. "The blossom, in particular, suits you."

Bridget nodded. She had noticed that blossom suited her when the modiste held the fabric against Bridget's face and noted how the material looked so elegant against the natural rosiness of her cheeks.

"I am excited to see the gown once it is completed," Bridget said. "It is unfortunate that I will not be able to wear it to any of the Season's final events."

She would have liked to have worn the blossom-colored gown to Lady Emily's ball. Then the Duke of Hamilton would have been able to see her dressed in the gown purchased with his own money. Bridget's heart gave a little flutter of the thought. Fate was unkind, though. He would only ever see that gown from across the ballroom. Her chest ached when she thought about staring at him and knowing that she was a wed woman.

It would be torturous, knowing that she could not have him. That was assuming that the Marquess of Thornton allowed her to attend social events, of course. If Bridget was unlucky, Lord Thornton might be a husband who denied her the opportunity to enjoy such occasions. He might insist that she remain at home, enjoying only his company. Bridget knew some man preferred that their wives not venture into social spaces.

"That is a pity," Anna said. Her voice was strange and forced, as though she were uncomfortable discussing such a normal subject.

Bridget supposed that she understood her sister's hesitation. If she had not been so desperate for a distraction, she might have also felt that the change in subjects was inappropriate. As it was, she could find no solution to Lord Thornton's proposed match after weeks of trying, and the more she thought about the future proposal, the more distressed she became. Perhaps it was best not to think of it at all.

At least, she would not think of it until the nighttime when she was alone in her bed and imagining the manner of husband who might lie beside her. Bridget thought of Lord Thornton's hands upon her, insistent and overly eager, and she wanted to vomit.

"I fear that we must part ways," Mr. Russell said, sounding genuinely apologetic. "I have another obligation this evening."

"Oh!" Anna exclaimed. "What is it?"

"A business meeting," he said. "Nothing exciting, I am afraid. I would simply not go, but I fear I must."

They reached the entrance of the park, where Mr. Russell's coach waited for him. Once they ceased walking, Mr. Russell took Anna's hands in his and gazed at her with such affection that Bridget had to look away. She felt as though she were intruding on a private moment, and this thought was soon followed by the realization that she would likely never experience such tender feelings herself.

"I am glad that you accompanied us, my lady," Mr. Russell said, bowing to Bridget.

She forced a smile. "Thank you."

After he departed, Anna sighed longingly. Bridget felt a spark of something like envy, although she was glad that her sister had found a man who loved her.

"Bridget, we must find you a man like Mr. Russell," Anna said. "Do you think that His Grace will be that for you?"

"I do not see how. I have no dowry," she said, "and even if the Duke of Hamilton were willing to wed me without one, there is still the matter of Lord Thornton's feelings and our father's debts."

Anna looked at her sister with pleading eyes. "Why would you not let David intervene? He could ask about our father's debts, at least. Maybe he could help. He is very wealthy."

"Anna, I cannot rely on the charity of your groom-to-be!" Bridget exclaimed. "What would the ton say?"

"The ton would not need to know."

Bridget shook her head. "If I accept the Marquess of Thornton's proposal, it will guarantee that he clears our father's debts, and once Lord Thornton is wed to me, I imagine he will be willing to aid our family in the future."

"David could aid our family."

"But if he does not have to, he should not," Bridget said. "He needs his money to care for you and your family. You will bear him children, Anna. He will need his inheritance to support them as well as you."

"But Bridget, how can I be happy knowing that my joy has been purchased with your misery?"

"You will be," Bridget said. "And I will be happy. I may not love my husband, but I will find other things to bring me joy. I will love our children."

Even if she detested all the activities that were involved in having children.

"That will be enough," she went on. "There are many women who cannot marry the men that they love, and they manage fine. I imagine that I shall be the same."

"You should not have to do that."

"I am the elder sister," Bridget replied. "It is my duty to do that."

"It is unfair."

"That is life," Bridget said.

Anna's face was so soft with understanding that Bridget's own heart ached. Her sister so desperately wanted them both to find their happiness with men that they loved, but that seemed utterly impossible.

"I will be fine," Bridget said. "I promise, dear Anna. Be happy with your husband, and I will find some way to be happy with mine."

"Will you?" Anna asked. "Will you be happy when you wed him? When he lies astride you during the night?"

Bridget shivered in revulsion but forced a pleasant smile. "I will endure, as many women before me."

She was not sure that she could. A small part of her hoped that, if she told Anthony about her plight, he would spirit her away to Gretna Green. That would not solve her problems, and Bridget knew she would feel terribly selfish if she eloped. But it would mean that she would be free of the repulsive Lord Thornton.

Even though the lines between real and play had become blurred in the course of her feigned courtship to Anthony, Bridget felt that she loved him. She could imagine herself being happy with him, and when she thought of sharing her bed with him, Bridget's body reacted in the most pleasant way. Everything inside her grew hot and eager for his touch.

"I believe you," Anna said at last. "And I know that your resolve is as strong as iron. Still, I wish you were not so resigned."

Bridget was not entirely resigned, but she said nothing. She would let Anna believe that she was. Perhaps it was dishonest, but it would be simpler that way—and easier for her sister.